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I hope you have enjoyed my last entries on ‘Sex and the City’ and my 2011 NFL Fantasy picks, but now I feel it is time to get back to my roots, catch-up on the sports and pop culture doings of the last couple of months and pound out a late August quick hits entry.
Enjoy, and stay tuned on entries focusing on the un-funniest and funniest people in Hollywood, Karma in the Sports, and why we should not aspire to “be like Mike (Michael Jordan)”…

CHRIS JOHNSON’S HOLDOUT

From the outset I would like you to know that I am all for players holding out for a better paid day/more financial security in the NFL. Unlike the NBA which somehow guarantees lengthy contracts despite the far less likelihood of injury compared to hockey or football (which means the only reason a player doesn’t live up to their potential is if they got lazy or old quick/lost their abilities overnight), the NFL practically exploits their players by having almost bare bones rookie contracts (unless you are top first round pick), shorter deals on average, and allows teams to cut players whether or not the player has lived up to their potential and stop paying them on the spot (players do have guaranteed money but that money is rationed out at the top of the talent pool thinner then Vince Carter’s pain threshold).

That being said however, my sentiments and compassion for the average player do not transcend in the case of Chris Johnson. Why you ask? Well despite the fact that he is underpaid due to the fact that he is still relatively new to the NFL, his team has already offered to compensate him for his talents by making him the highest paid running back in the entire league, yet inexplicably this is not good enough for Mr. Johnson. This is made all the more perplexing given the fact that Johnson, while near the top, is not a leader or close to it in any major running back benchmark.

Chris Johnson Rushing, 2010 Season
Total NFL Rank
Yards 1,364 4th
Rushes 316 6th
TD 11 T-6th
YPG 85.3 7th
Yds per rush 4.3 19th

After examining the numbers it is pretty clear that not only should Johnson be elated to be getting a contract like the one he has been offered, but if he truly wants to be paid like a “top-playmaker” he has a lot of work to do in terms of his on-field performance. My advice therefore to Mr. Johnson is to take the top running back deal, be happy that you even got that, step your game up, inspire your team into a couple of more wins and maybe, just maybe you’ll get the deal you’re looking for.

STEVIE WILLIAMS

A couple of weeks ago when Tiger Woods’ fired his caddie of 12 years or so because Tiger felt it was time for a change, many in the sports world felt bad for his caddie Stevie Williams and also felt that Williams was being made a scapegoat for Woods’ chronically stinky performances of late. However, when Williams caddied for the winner of the 2011 WGC-Bridgestone Invitational Adam Scott a couple of weeks later, he was predictably thrust into the spotlight with seemingly endless questions about how good it felt to be in the winner’s circle after getting dumped by Woods and if he felt there was some kind of karmic retribution for what happened. The aftermath of this was that the majority of sports journalists (who still have deep ties and fondness for Woods), felt that Williams was overstepping his bounds and that as a caddie he had no right to express his opinion, that he should not feel happy about proving that he was not the problem in the Woods-Williams duo (and thereby totally exposing and deflating Woods’ attempted scapegoat) and that somehow because he had made about 9 million dollars off Woods’ tour wins, that he should keep his mouth shut and be more grateful for all Woods’ did for him.

I am not one of those people.

I am of the opinion that Williams had every right to engrain in everyone’s mind that he not only was terminated by Woods’ without merit, that the manner in which did it was cowardly and weak given the amount of time they had spent together(i.e. over the telephone like he was getting dumped by one of the Jonas Brothers) and that his ability to help guide players and turn them into winners was intact. And while yes I will concede that he perhaps went a little overboard in terms of taking the spotlight off Scott’s victory, but exposing lies and fixing one’s reputation is worth a lot in any profession, even if you are “only” a golf caddie. Good Job Stevie Will.

JAMES HARRISON

Why of why does this blowhard still make headlines??!? Hasn’t the media realized that this guy is a total headcase and total media whore and will say and do anything for attention no matter how stupid. However, the worst thing about Harrison’s rants isn’t that people still take him seriously despite the ludicrous and desperate things he says, its that everytime he goes overboard with one of his rants, a couple of days later he comes back like a whiny dog with its tail between his legs, says he’s sorry and begs for forgiveness. Seriously for a guy who is 6 feet tall and 242 pounds Harrison really needs to grow some balls because I have no problem with someone shooting their mouth if they believe in something, but to do so and come back time and time again like a whiny little bitch and say you’re sorry is indefensible. My advice to Harrison is therefore to either a) grow some balls b) not shoot your mouth off c) find a less pathetic way to say you’re sorry or d) actually stick to your word for once, retire and the fuck out of the NFL because I am tired of hearing you act all big and bad and then cry like a girl. MAN UP HARRISON

Finally, to the media who cover this guy it is also time for you to man up and decide to either stop covering this guy and his tantrums or call him out for shooting his mouth off and then acting like a baby. MAN UP NFL MEDIA

RANDY MOSS RETIRES

They say when this come to an end, that they don’t go out with a bang but rather go out with a whimper. And in the case of Randy Moss’ this statement could not be a more accurate description of the man’s career.
When Randy came into the NFL, he exploded onto the scene and made sure that everyone, especially teams like my beloved Dallas Cowboys who passed on him, knew that he was a force to reckoned with and the best WR in the NFL. At least that’s how he started. However, after a few seasons into the NFL Randy seemed to not care anymore and aside from his brief resurgence with the Patriots, seemed to steadily decline as team after team got tired of his antics and he was bounced from team to team, until being bounced out of the league after no team would even pick him off the waiver wire in 2010 or sign him as a free agent in 2011 (and why would they after the bloodbaths he left in his last two stops in Minnesota and Tennasse). And in the end that was that, Randy Moss was gone and officially announced his retirement after no one wanted him on their roster.

His legacy? Well talent-wise he will still make the Hall of Fame and be one of the best receivers who ever played the WR position without question. As player however, his legacy is far more grave, and his lack of effort, bad attitude , inconsistency and overall lack of heart will have him go down as one of the worst teammates and headcases the NFL has ever known.

Last year while Randy was still putting up numbers I wrote an article which not only compared him to T.O. but illustrated exactly why T.O. was a much more valuable player and would leave a better legacy then Moss because of Moss’ mental state and effort. It is more true than ever It is enclosed here…
Mid- October Quick Hits: Randy Moss, Gilbert Arenas and Brett Favre how I loathe thee and thy selfish ways…

Ohh and while I was looking I found this article on Jerome Harrison I also wrote which is also more true than ever (half way down after the NBA FANTASY PREVIEW)…
FANTASY NBA PREVIEW…

NBA PLAYERS PLAYING OVERSEAS

I am so annoyed that this tired story keeps making the rotation and keeps popping up day after day now that the NBA work stoppage is in full swing. I should correct myself however, and change the word story to rampant speculation because that’s all it is given that no player of quality is ever going to play overseas no matter how long the lockout lasts. Do people really think that Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, Derrick Rose, Dwight Howard or even Lebron are really going to risk serious injury or damage to their careers to play in an unknown environment, where their competition is sketchy, the fans are sketchy and their method of payment/timely payments are also sketchy as fuck?? Never!! Not even Shaq would play under these chaotic conditions if it was a wheelchair league (which coincidently the only way anyone is going to get Shaq on the court for more then 25 minutes).

My proposal to the sports media is therefore this, you may broadcast variations of this tired story 24/7 on every sports outlet you like, you can come outside my house with a megaphone and shout that day’s player speculation for weeks on end, you can kick me in my nuts on the way out of my house in the morning and tell me about all the rumours of guys going overseas, you can essentially do whatever you want and blather on as much as you want IF…and I mean if…even ONE top 15 NBA player signs overseas.
Until then please shut up and move on to a real sports related story.

JETER’s 3000th HIT

I have no idea how this was even news worthy and followed for weeks on end. The all-time hits leader Pete Rose, who still mysterious is not in the Hall of Fame, despite the Commissioner rolling out the red carpet to all the roided up players who inflated stats for decades, has 4256 hits and thus 3000 hits is a totally insignificant and meaningless number in relation. I don’t even want to talk about this anymore, let me know when Jeter crosses 4150 hits.

OHIO STATE, THE UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI, USC…WHO IS NEXT TO FALL

Dear NCAA, how do you still not have a stipend which allows football programs to provide college athletes from disadvantaged backgrounds(or even advantaged backgrounds) a sum of money which is not even the tiniest of drop in the Hoover Dam sized bucket in terms of money these programs rake in off the backs of their slaves student athletes?? How many programs are going to have to go through these pathetic scandals and programs will you let be destroyed until you wake up and realize that the only way to fix the problems you have in your system is to offer players a nominal stipend to keep them away from taking payoffs??

I know it is only a matter of time before the NCAA wakes the hell up and adopts the stipend system, but to have to hear about big-time program after big time program being ‘exposed’ after they win National Championships, the money is safe and secure and their players are already in the NFL and/or out of their control is annoying as fuck.

Please NCAA wake up and fix this now before you give the guys on PTI a heart attack and/or another heart attack in some cases.

DAP OF THE WEEK(MONTH)-EAGLES

While some teams did not do much once the NFL resumed and they were let of the free agency leash, others like the Philadelphia Eagles did. While I hate giving the Eagles any sort of dap due to them being in the same division as my beloved Cowboys, the Eagles did so much across the board, and did it so well, that they not only filled the holes they had, but made them points of strength (like Bart said in the episode where Homer joins the Robot Fighting League, “their weakness is now their strongest point”). From Jenkins, to Ronnie Brown to the last minute theft signing of Nmandi Asomugha I was left scratching my head wondering how a team with so many weapons and with the new hard salary cap, were able to sign so many studs at so many different positions? The answer is a mix of guys leaving money on the table, explosive weapons still under rookie contracts (i.e. DeSean Jackson) and Eagles management do great work in (establishing flexible and favorable contracts all along their roster) and out (selling players on the idea that Philadelphia with Vick at the helm is the place to be)of the executive offices.

I will conclude this point by stating, that while I do not think the Eagles will win the Superbowl or even Rep the NFC (because Vick is still way to erratic, has look terrible in preseason and it is still my firm contention that a team based around a “mobile” quarterback can never win a Superbowl), they have put themselves in a position to win a bunch of ballgames, and be both headlines and highlight worthy all-season. Dap

DOUCHE OF THE WEEK(MONTH)-THE FAMILY BLACK SHEEP

I would like to now step away from the sporting world, and talk about something that in my opinion does not garner nearly as much attention as it should, yet is as annoying and burdensome as many of the other problems many of us face on a regular basis, the family black sheep.

Throughout human history from Charles Adams (son of President John Adams) to Pauline Bonaparte (sister of Napoleon Bonaparte) to Louis Phillipe of France (brother of Louis the XIV) to the Bush twins, history is full of embarrassments and disappointments family’s have shamefully have had to endure. However, it is my contention that these mortifying individuals actually come in two groups each of which should actually deserve different amounts of hate and disgust from one’s family.

The first group are what I like to call the well-intentioned, but poor performing black sheep. These type of sheep are those that which to achieve the level of fame and success as the other member(s) of their family, but sadly due to a lack of talent, intelligence and/or charisma end up falling far short. Prominent examples of these types of black sheep are Frank Stallone, LaToya Jackson, Roger Clinton, any Baldwin not named Alec etc. However, because it is tough to follow in the large footsteps of the one talented and trailblazing sibling, we forgive these well meaning goofs for their desperate and embarrassing gafs because they do not intentionally set out to make themselves or their accomplished family members look stupid.

The other group/classification however is much worse and what I like to call the annoying and parasitic black sheep. These types of black sheep are the type that have looked at the enormous shadow that their one successful sibling and/or other well performing family members have cast, realized that they themselves are bitter, talentless and probably too ugly as fuck to do anything for themselves and have set upon creating havoc and destroying any good name, respect or happiness their parents or other members of their family have achieved for themselves because they figured if I’m lonely, bitter and unhappy maybe I can do the easy and malicious thing and make everyone else around me and/or connected to me too. This type of person really is pathetic and weak, and while you wish to ignore them and just let them just destroy themselves on their own, you can’t help but cast your thoughts on them because of the harm they are doing to your family as a whole or the epicenter of harm they create for their immediate family (you know if this person is a cousin or something and not connected to you directly). And while you might wish to lash out at them, put them in their place and/or take them out back and whoop them until they get some sense about them, this type of parasite often has a safety net which often manifests itself as a very kind aunt, uncle or some other kindhearted family member who already has the burden of dealing with this monstrosity day-to-day that you do not wish to make things harder for them by dealing with a now whinny and beatdown parasitic black sheep. It is a Catch 22 in every possible way.

So what’s the solution??

Well the solution to deal with these parasitic black sheep or Rosies as I like to call them(because they are just as fat and annoying as Rosie O’Donnell, but often because they are so desperate for attention they will claim to be gay or pull some other hail mary stunt when no other attention grasping mechanism works for them. Not that their is anything wrong with being gay, but their is something very wrong about faking being gay just for attention) is not an easy one. It involves getting every member of your family together who is tired and/or aware of their desperate and pathetic antics, have a frank and rationale discussion on what to do about Rosie, and then encircle the parasite when their safety net is not looking and tell them flat out what a disgrace they are, that they best change ASAP even for their own good cause you can only be lonely and bitter for so long, and then collectively shun them until they implement some positive steps to prove to the family that they are even worthy of being part of said family.

Therefore it is not enough for those in a family to sit back and watch a Rosie destroy themselves or those closest to them and pray for a miracle that the fat lonely Rosie one day change, no as a family they must collectively stand up, say enough is enough and take progressive steps like the ones I have outlined that are forceful and really get through to the black sheep because like the old adage goes, “you can sheer a sheep many times, but skin them only once.”
I wish all of you well in dispelling with your Rosie’s once and for all.

P.S. sorry for all the spelling and grammer mistakes but I have a job, responsibilities and a life, I don’t have all the time in the World to endlessly edit.

My apologies for getting these picks up, but I have been absolutely swamped of late. The following are my fantasy football picks for the 2011 NFL Season and I have divided each skill position into both the players overall rank (i.e. what position they will finish the year) and the a value rank (if you are doing an auction league the player that will give you the most bang for your buck). I have also included some of my sleepers and busts for the year.

Enjoy and Please Gamble Responsibly…

QB

Aaron Rodgers

Tom Brady

Phillip Rivers

Drew Brees

Tony Romo

Peyton Manning

Michael Vick

Matt Ryan

Michael Vick

Ben Rothlesburger (sp?)

Matt Shaub

Joe Flacco

Josh Frreman

Matt Cassel

Value QB

P. Rivers

T. Romo

T. Brady

A. Rodgers

P. Manning

D. Brees

M. Ryan

B. Rothlesberger (sp?)

M. Vick

J. Flacco

M. Shaub

M. Cassel

J. Freeman

RB

Adrian Peterson

Chris Johnson

MJD

Arian Foster

Rashard Mendenhall

Ray Rice

Michael Turner

Peyton Hillis

Jamal Charles

Darren McFadden

Matt Forte

Frank Gore

Lesean McCoy

Steven Jackson

Ahmad Bradshaw

Lagerette Blount

Value RB

Peterson

MJD

C. Johnson

Mendenhall

Turner

Foster

Rice

Gore

Hillis

S. Jackson

M. Forte

D. McFadden

L. Blount

WR

Andre Johnson

Calvin Johnson

Roddy White

Reggie Wayne

Larry Fitzgerald

DeSean Jackson

Greg Jennings

Dez Bryant

Miles Austin

Vincent Jackson

Dwayne Bowe

Marques Colston

Steve Johnson

Wes Welker

Chad Johnson (Ocho Cinco)

Brandon Llyod

Mike Williams (Pit)

M. Williams (TB)

Hakeem Nicks

Santonio Holmes

Plaxico Buress

Percy Harvin

Anquan Boldin

Sidney Rice

Value WR

Calvin

White

Wayne

AJohnson

D. Jackson

Bryant

V. Jackson

Jennings

Fitzgerald

Austin

Welker

S. Johnson

B. Marshal

P. Harvin

H. Nicks

M. Williams (Pit)

M. Williams (TB)

Plax

Holmes

Rice

Boldin

Ocho Cino

TE

Gates

Whitten

Clark (higher if Peyton not out)

Vernon Davis

Jermichael Finley (sp?)

Mercedes Lewis

Rob Gronkowski (sp?)

Zach Miller

Brandon Pettigrew

Owen Daniels

Tony Gonzalez

Chris Cooley

Value TE

J. Whitten

A. Gates

V. Davis

D. Clark

J. Finley

Mercedes Lewis

Rob Gronkowski (sp?)

Zach Miller

Brandon Pettigrew

Owen Daniels

Tony Gonzalez

Chris Cooley

SLEEPERS

Cedric Benson

Ryan Fitzpatrick

Ryan Grant

Sam Bradford

Matt Stafford

Monterio Hardesty

Jerome Harrison

Jacoby Ford

Nate Washington (esp if Britt’s out long)

Roy Williams

Kyle Orton

Super Sleeprers (seriously, how do the Jags, Bengals, Rams or any other scrub team short on receivers sign these guys…even for the press)

Terrel Owens

Randy Moss

BUSTS

Donovan F. McNabb

Any Giants WRs

Deion Branch

Jacob Tamme (or any Colt if Peyton can’t get on the field)

Cam Newton

Tim Tebow

Anquan Boldin (slight bust)

Jahvid Best

Steve Smith (Carolina one especially)

Sidney Rice (esp. for the price)

Mike Williams (at least one of them)

Michael Vick

 MY FANTASY TEAM

In case anyone is interested, the following is my fantasy team. As usual I tried to put the most value in the air, but luckily for me while were over bidding for guys like Hakeem Nicks and Mike Vick I was lucky enough to put my money into a quality ground game as well. Feels like a good year (even better than last year when I was far an way the best team in the league with a perfect record and the league high in points until sadly Tony Romo and Antonio Gates went down…things were never the same although I ended up 4^th out of 14 still and second in points).

QB –P. Rivers

WR1- V. Jackson

WR2- D. Bryant

WR3- Wes Welker

RB1-Ahmad Bradshaw

RB2-Peyton Hillis

TE- Jason Whitten

K-Mason Crosby

D-Jon Beason (although I am probably swapping him out due to injury)

D-Clay Matthews

DB-Yeriimiah Bell (sp?)

DL-Jared Allen

Bench1-Nate Washington

Bench2-Roy Helu-

Bench 3-Tashard Choice

Bench 4-Montario Hardesty

Bench 5-Ryan Fitzpatrick

Lastly, I also joined a $25.00 loaded salary league on www.rosterdoc.com, and once the season has begun I’ll post my players…

Enjoy the Season

INTRO:

I first formed about this show back in undergrad, when a friend of mine asked, “have you seen this show ‘Sex and the City’? There’s this girl on it that is like ‘if you drink your cum I’ll drink it too’”, and so naturally I had to tune in and had to see what the hell he was talking about and whether something so (entertainingly) vile was allowed to be on T.V. Well I did tune and learned two very important things, 1) that HBO can show and do whatever they want (and good on them, especially with results like ‘the Sopranos’ and ‘the Wire’) and 2) that this vile cum drinking episode was actually a pretty good metaphor for the whole show in that the show itself is so vile and repulsive that you keep tuning in to watch to see how much lower it could go (and believe me it did go pretty low).

While I only started watching the show in its 5^th season, I was able to watch the entire series via Bravo (a TV station in Canada which showed these episodes un-cut) and while I have to admit it was sort of entertaining, it was so in the repulsive and vile in the way stated above, that it was sort of like a horrible freak or car crash. However unlike a freak or car crash, the show was not grotesque simply because of what was displayed visually (although some close-ups of Sarah Jessica Parker were tough to stomach), but because of the various underlying messages sent to the viewing audience which served up heavy helpings of crass materialism, poor financial choices, men-driven/dependant existences, how to overreact to the most meaningless things in life and low moral character and choices. And while single men everywhere and women with low self-esteem will rejoice in one of the shows central themes which is that it is ‘fabulous’ to sleep around, the show which in my opinion is actually a bible and/or template on how to live one’s life for many women and as such is actually very dangerous to the overall happiness and well-being to any of the impressionable viewers watching it (many of whom or underage…or just old and clueless).

In order to illustrate my point, I have decided to examine some of the more notable quotes from the show and expose the true dangers which lie within these supposedly humorous and lighthearted quips. Lastly I would like to reiterate that while I get and do accept the defence thrown around from many pieces of art, that “it is only entertainment” and that the creators must bare no responsibility for its social impacts, I must vehemently disagree that this show is mere fluff entertainment due to the mysteriously high number of women who model themselves after this lifestyle (or who’s lifestyles the show perhaps is emulating), who view this as an actual depiction of the contemporary women and/or the women who might know better but let this crap seep into their sub-conscious. Confused people everywhere this is for you…ENJOY….

 QUOTE 1:

Carrie: The only thing that I have ever successfully made in the kitchen is a mess. And several little fires.

Carrie: Are you kidding me, I use my oven for storage.

COMMENTARY:

One of the most consistent things I noticed about this show is how often these women go out to eat in fancy restaurants and how none of them appear to be able to cook for themselves or others in the least. And before I get attacked by feminist assassins, I would like to boldly state that it is not a woman’s job to cook, but rather that both man and woman should equally be able to provide sustainance for their family… both! However, going back to the quotes and underlying message above, it would appear that not only is it ok not to be able to cook, but that in this day and age it is more than acceptable given the ‘fabulous’ eating out options available all over their ‘fabulous’ city. Well bubbleheads behind SATC I can tell you that it is not alright for someone to not be able to know how to prepare homecooked meals and fend for themselves, let alone their families. Sorry. In this day and age where North Americans are undergoing one of the most difficult financial times they have ever faced (caused largely by people succumbing to the materialistic messages they are bombarded with daily and thus spending more than they can afford to), it is time for people who are not multi-millionaires to scale back and make sensible financial decisions which include savings and wise investment of all that you can (and even the multi-millionaires to do the same lest they want to end up like the Pratts or one of the many broke-ass ‘Real Housewives of BLANK’).

Furthermore, even if North Americans for the most part didn’t have to watch their pocketbooks the way they do now given the market and general financial condition, isn’t it nice to not only be able to cook for yourself and not take in all the poisons food additives, preservatives and grease that comes from most outside food, but to be able to do so for your children and family as well??!? And don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with eating out once in a while or even a couple times a week because it is a good bonding experience for couples, relief for families an adventure for children (and to be honest I personally like it very much), but this should obviously be done in moderation, not only because of financial reasons, but health reasons as well.

So Carrie and friends, less time with the power brunches and witty puns and a little more time at the grocery store and stove top perhaps (and again fake feminists, for themselves not husbands)?

 QUOTE 2:

Carrie: I’ve spent $40,000 on shoes and I have no place to live? I will literally be the old woman who lived in her shoes!

Carrie: Samantha, you owe me $300.00 for that pillow

Miranda : I don´t invest anymore, it´s too volatile

Carrie : Exactly! I like my money right where I can see it… hanging in my closet!

COMMENTARY:

Similar to the above in that how is there such an emphasis given on empty, materialistic, soul substituting gestures when people are better off using that money (even in good financial times) saving and building for their futures. I get that buying can be fun sometimes (although over paying for anything, especially a 300 dollar pillow, is retarded with any amount of money) as it something new and perhaps exciting, but I just wished that this show even once emphasized that shallow materialism and the constant want for more is not the answer to deeper emotional problems which cause this behaviour to manifest and take shape in the first place. Not only that but this reckless behaviour has been proven both on this stupid show and in real life that it leads to way more complicated problems down the road in terms of bankruptcy/poverty/being destitute in the future…unless of course you can marry rich in which case that’s just ‘fabulous’.

QUOTE 3:

Charlotte: Do you think I’m a whore?
Miranda: Well, you have had a decent amount of bone in you.
Charlotte: This is bad, nobody wants to marry a whore.

COMMENTARY:

While on the surface this quote does not provide much insight due to the fact that nobody does in fact want to marry a whore, it does provide some insight into a bigger problem going on to today, which is the rise of the ‘undercover ho’. The character of Charlotte on the show, who pretends to be mystified and down on her whore status, is actually supposed to the good girl prude on the show, the voice of reason, the eternal romantic, the one girl with standards and morals etc. However, on the show, just like all too often in real life, this type of girl who pretends to be the good girl, who pretends to be naive, acts all shocked and disgusted at everyone else’s sexual escapades is actually a dirty little hypocrite who gets down on the reg. and is ready to ‘rock and roll’ with the best of them.  Some of this good girl’s good deeds include: cheating on her husband, only dating rich guys, having sex on the first date multiple times (despite claiming over and over that its wrong for women to do that), hoping into the bed of her divorce lawyer shortly after splitting on her husband, lying to the men she dates, prostituting herself for goods and services (i.e. the shoe fetish guy) etc.

So for the record while I have no problem with the frequency with which women want to have sex if they so chose, or how they wish themselves portrayed, because every woman has the right to do what they want…what I do have a problem with is woman who pretend to be one thing but in actuality are totally the opposite and then have the nerve to chastise others from their high skanky horse.

In short, undercover ho be gone.

QUOTE 4:

Miranda: Ah, it’s Skipper, I told him I was here. And he insisted on picking me up, but he’s not supposed to be here till 11!
Carrie: Oh! He’s like a sweet little seal pup.
Miranda: That you sometimes want to club.

COMMENTARY:

With respect to men and women today and their behaviour, there seems to be a disturbing trend growing that I have noticed for a while now. What is this trend you ask? Well it appears that for whatever reason men are becoming more like women, and women are becoming more like men…at least from a traditional roles perspective. Is there anything wrong with this? Well not necessarily, men could stand to be more sensitive and attentive overall and it is very much welcomed if women are more career oriented and assertive. However, a warning should go out to all men today and that is if you are too nice, too attentive, too emotional and/or too accommodating to any woman, especially an overly new age aggressive, you will find yourself on the curb within a matter of weeks, picking up and sorting your belongings while your girl is out looking for a new man (if she has not found one already). Period. I know it might sound harsh, but from what I can observe this formula is more sound then gravity. So remember men and women out there:

over nice guy + woman = woman walking all over man + dumped sad man=end relationship

QUOTE 5:

Carrie: If you’re a thirty something woman living in Manhattan, and you refuse to settle and you’re sexually active, it’s inevitable that you’ll rack up a certain number of partners, but how many men is too many men? Are we simple romantically challenged, or, are we sluts?

Carrie : We had such a fantastic connection. Then he leaves me money. I don’t understand. What exactly about me screams “whore”?

Miranda : Besides the thousand dollars on the end table?

Carrie : I can’t be hemmed in by rules. I go with my emotions.

Samantha : Carrie, you can’t date your fuck buddy.

Aidan: I just want to try to sleep with somebody I care about. I really think I can care about you. It’s only been a week and a half, don’t people date anymore?

Miranda: You both got excited, and you went for it. Stop blaming yourself.
Carrie: Oh, I don’t blame myself. I blame the dress. The dress!

COMMENTARY:

While there were numerous things about this show that really didn’t sit well with me (hence this list), in general the indifferent way sex was portrayed on the show, and how these women essentially equated having sex with various people with using the toilet (i.e. a human function to be completed without though) is definitely at the top of the list. And again while most single men and confused women everywhere rejoice, especially given how much easier messages like these make it to get people into bed, is this really how we want people to interpret having a meaningful connection with someone? Is this truly the road to happiness? I think not.

The glorification of emotionless sex is probably one of the biggest problems facing society today and I have no doubt that it is one of the chief reasons why so many people today are unhappy. How can I prove this? Well look around, all the images that are seen with respect to the icons of casual sex and getting down with as many partners as possible, Hugh Hefner, Charlie Sheen, Deion Sanders (at least the old Deion), Mike Tyson (at least the old Mike), Wilt Chamberlain, Lindsay Lohan, or the countless other give-it-up playmates/models/actresses/pop-stars like her, the girls in real life who emulate the Sex and the City lifestyle, the rock stars who brag about their conquests (and who 90% are clinically depressed and/or attempt suicide), the regular guys who are in your ear about how many girls they banged, are any of them truly happy?? For real happy? I have racked my brain and cannot think of one person who lives this kind of lifestyle and is truly happy at the end of the day…and I’ll bet you can’t either and I guess that’s how I can prove my point.

So while I do not judge, if you want to get down and do your thing, I’m happy for you…play on playa right?…but two things should be kept in mind a) the people who you think and are portrayed living this type of lifestyle are never happy, or a least in the end never happy because the actually lose much more of themselves in the process in terms of their mental health and self worth then they ever gain by getting it on with randoms and b) they only have themselves to blame…and not the dress.

 QUOTE 6:

Carrie: When I first moved to New York and I was totally broke, sometimes I would buy Vogue instead of dinner. I felt it fed me more.

Carrie: How did he die?

Miranda : Heart attack. At the gym.

Carrie : See? This is why I don’t work out.

Carrie: It’s all total bull s**t. What is wrong with cigarettes?
Stanford: Nothing, they’re fabulous!

COMMENTARY:

So let me get this straight this Sex and the City, not only do you want to help erode a generation and a half of women by eroding their minds with the idea that random sex and shallow materialism is fantastic, nay, ‘fabulous’,  but you also want to destroy their bodies by promoting the idea that meals can be skipped (or that eating out is the way to go), phsycial exercise outside of the bedroom is not needed and that its ‘fabulous’?

Sorry City folks, that’s BS, wrong, dangerous and you know it.

QUOTE 7:

Charlotte: “How do the moms who have no help do it?”
Miranda: “I have no f***ing idea.”

COMMENTARY:

Now please do not get me wrong, being a stay at home mom (especially if you are a single mom) is possibly one of the toughest jobs in the World even if you cannot technically classify it as a job given the fact that you do not get paid. This task is all the more difficult given the number of kids one has, their respective bratty-ness level and their respective demanding activities. Therefore, in no way am I under-appreciating the level of difficulty inherent in being a stay at home mom or even a stay at home dad…as long as there is no help and/or hired help.

If however a parent has help, and especially if it is a lot of help like the rich women depicted in this show have and their real-life counter parts have, I’m sorry but you need to shut the fuck up and not complain. Like seriously, shut the fuck up. Why? Well if you are this breed of ‘stay at home mom’ and you do not work, do not clean the house, do not prepare meals, do not watch over your kids, do not take your children to their activities etc. then other then fucking your husband (or wife depending on who is working) what exactly are you contributing to your family?? I always find it fascinating when this breed of spouse is dumped/cheated on/replaced and then wonder why this happened to them and why their spouse wanted to get rid of them…ITS BECAUSE YOU DO NOTHING!!

Therefore, to the women or men with massive amounts of help, whose biggest daily challenges are baking cupcakes in expensive outfits and throwing a fuck to their spouses here and there just to keep busy or feel like they are ‘contributing’, and still complain about how tough it is you really need to shut the hell up because you have no idea what it really means to run a household and raise your children because someone else is doing it for you.

Before I move on, I would just like to add that I also find it strangely fascinating and kind of sad that much of the time these rich, bubbleheaded, WASP-y type people who have 1, 2 and 3 poor, hard working immigrant people looking after their kids and family while they sit back and do nothing with passion other then complain, are often the same people who are staunch Republicans or other Right Wingers who desperately shout for anti-immigration legislation, stricter border security, etc. the deportation of aliens. What happens if or when they get their way?? Don’t they realize that they then might have to do something around the house??? Something to think about…

QUOTE 8:

Samantha : Well, let’s just say it: you won.

Carrie : Was there a contest?

Samantha : Oh please! There’s always a contest with an ex. It’s called “who will die miserable.”

COMMENTARY: True Dat. No Arguments here.

 QUOTE 9:

Carrie: Women come to New York for the two L’s: Labels and Love.

COMMENTARY:

I am so sick of hearing about all this hype about New York, ohh new York is the best city in the World, how hard it is to survive in a town like New York, although you will never own a yard or a car how this is so much to see and do in New York…please such BS. Yes I will concede that there is a certain electricity about New York that you can only find in really big cities around the World, but really other than that what does it have? New York for all its cracked up to be is just a pretentious, materialistic, over-priced, crowded, dirty, mean-spirited city built and currently run by poor immigrants to serve as the stomping grounds for the rats on Wallstreet, do-nothing socialites, idiot sons/trust fun babies, over-compensating nouveau riche, the fashion world who try to sell their over priced goods to these fat cats, overrated and underperforming sports franchises (except the Yankees who despite being overpaid, do win on occasion), terrible sports media, east coast celebs and of course, love-lorn single women with disposable income trying to land a rich guy…oh wait maybe it is the perfect setting for this show! 

P.S. While I will give New York credit for the fantastic quality and variety of food it offers, unfortunately just like anything else in New York much of the good stuff is overpriced (and hence unattainable by most) and there is of course no where to park your car.

QUOTE 10:

Miranda : I don’t talk to Steve about my work.

Carrie : And he doesn’t mind?

Miranda : I think he prefers it that way.

Charlotte : Everyone needs a man. That’s why I rent. If you own and he still rents, then the power structure is all off. It’s emasculating. Men don’t want a woman who’s too self-sufficient.

COMMENTARY:

This was a show about strong, independent, free thinking women right? Right??… RIGHT???

QUOTE 11:

Samantha: All that bull s**t you spout about not sleeping with men right away, actually, paid off. I mean if I’d f**ked James already, who knows where we’d be……

 After Sex…

 Miranda: Don’t beat yourself up, you had certain expectations, and your disappointed.
Samantha: Why? Why? Why does he have a small d**k? I really like him.
Miranda: I thought you loved him?
Samantha: Well..shrugs shoulders

Charlotte: Well, I wanted to save myself until we got married.
Carrie: But, sweetie, you’re not a virgin.
Charlotte: Well, I am in this relationship, and I think it’s romantic.
Samantha: Yeah, it’s romantic, until he can’t figure out where to put it in. Honey, what if he’s terrible?

 After Sex…

Woman: Oh, what a beautiful wedding ring! Where’s your husband?
Charlotte: Oh, um, he’s not here. We’re actually taking some time apart. We’re separated – not legally separated, nothing legal, oh God no! We’re just taking some time to figure things out. We got married really fast – love at first sight, didn’t think it through. So now we’re talking and trying to figure out what he – actually, we, he and I – really want. We love each other so much but that doesn’t always mean a marriage is working does it? No, it does not. We had some problems. In the bedroom. but it was more about the fact that we got married so fast. So, now we’re just talking and trying to figure things out – just talking, nothing physical. I think it’s better if we just talk. So we are talking until we figure it all out. So, no, he’s not here.

COMMENTARY:

Just for a bit of context, the above two stanzas if you will, involve two of the women on the show (the overt ho and the undercover ho) and relate to two of the few instances on the show as whole when the women didn’t drop their panties and actually decided to wait for a change and wait to make it special with the guys they liked.

Well as you can see from the disasterous results that ensued (when guy having a tiny schlong and another not being able to keep schlong up), that the message is loud and clear; Women if you wait to sleep with a guy you can be sorely disappointed, so it is therefore best to drop those panties and sleep with him right away. Waiting to make it special, getting to know someone or have self worth?? Pffff  no…tis always better to have dropped those panties and lost then to never have dropped them at all.

QUOTE 12:

Miranda: Magda I have a mother already, she lives in Philadelphia

COMMENTARY:

One of the strangest things about this show, other than the fact that Sarah Jessica Parker could somehow land all the rich, professional guys she does despite looking like something that was yanked out of a drain half the time (seriously she has to be one of the most contrasting ‘two-faces’ ever, and although her ‘good face’ isn’t really that good, when juxtaposed with her bad leathery-big moled, dishevelled bad face she looks passable), is the fact that these women seem to exist within a vacuum of irresponsible being. What do I mean? Well while they do have the four of them as friends, their work contacts (well the two of them that actually do work) and of course the men they are currently sleeping with, the women seem to have no real long lasting personal relationships with anyone except those that exist within their narrow selfish world.

For example in terms of Family, only Charlotte (the ‘undercover ho’) has a brother that appears on screen over the show’s entire 6 season and 80 episode plus run, and he only has a minor role in 1 episode. And other then Miranda’s mom who she eludes to in the quote above when she chastises her maid for trying to organized her life, and who dies suddenly which forces the gals of NY to go to Philadelphia for the funeral, there is no reference ever to any real world, long lasting personal relationships for any of these women (other than of course the four of the them and the others I mentioned above). How can this be??!? Are we expected to accept the notion that it is possible that people today have no connections to the past whether it be family, friends, former classmates or anyone?? Well really what seems to be transpiring and the message being conveyed is that today’s woman (or man) has no time or interest in maintaining, let alone cultivating, relationships with family and relationships past because in today’s world the focus must be on oneself first in foremost as we cannot afford the burdens of dealing with the people who have nurtured and supported us from the beginning and the only ones (family especially) who truly care about our welfare. All in all its nothing more than further strengthening of today’s pathetic and selfish “Do-You” maxim which seems to be taking root everywhere.

It really is puzzling why people who only do for themselves are so confused as to why they are so unhappy, lonely and un-fulfilled (which sadly is far too many people). Don’t they get that “Do-You” does not work and is one of the main reasons why millions of people are so miserable today because in order to feel good you have to do for others??

Well if they don’t know, now they know.

QUOTE 13:

Mr. Big = Real Name John

COMMENTARY:

One of the most disappointing things about this show was that for all the guys that were banged by these 4 women, and yes there were a lot of them, there were only a couple that were actually non-white. In fact there were only two black men ever featured in some relationship capacity during the series’ entire run and none of them were attached to the main character or around for long. I repeat THAT’S IT! So what’s the message? Well the obvious message is that despite the over hundred cookie cutter white guys that were collectively banged on the show (many of which were ugly as fuck), only two minorities were worthy of depiction with these women who seem to get with everyone except any minorities save two hugely successful black guys. As for the subliminal message, well sadly it is that white women should not be hooking up with or wasting their time on minorities because they do not mesh with white women or mainstream society either on the show or in real-life…unless in the rare exception they are super well off, then its passable and somewhat ‘fabulous.”  

Am I going too far in my assessment and being too hard on ‘Sex and the City’ in this respect? Well I will admit that it is not entirely the fault of ‘Sex and the City’ because this depiction of white people being the only acceptable standard of beauty, relationships and depiction on stage and screen is everywhere, from People magazine and their Sexiest Man Alive/Most Beautiful Person, to the trashy Bacehor/Bachelorette programs, to the overwhelming majority of leading men and ladies in Hollywood, to the models depicted in print and electronic media too etc. etc. So in this regard it is perhaps too harsh to place the entire exclusion of minorities from the prominent depictions of Western society, but for a show that claimed to be a progressive take on how four women interact in a metropolitan and minority heavy environment, the show could have done a much better job of promoting the diversity of Black, Oriental, South East Asian and Hispanic peoples instead of only having them around as waiters, bus-boys, cab-drivers, store clerks, nail salon employees or hotdog vendors. A much better job.     

And of course, if anyone still doubts the racist undertones of the show, all you have to do is rent and be one of the few people who watched ‘Sex and the City 2’ and view how these supposedly metropolitan and progressive women interact in a different, but still affluent, culture.

QUOTE 14:

Carrie: Everything before ‘I love you’ just doesn’t count.

COMMENTARY:

Perhaps the most stupid and dangerous line/message on the whole show. 

The context of this line is that the main character Carrie gets into an argument with her boyfriend at the time (who she eventually marries), and instead of doing the mature thing, decides to pick a fight with him, makes a scene, storms off and goes home with a bartender with the intent of sleeping with him, and hence cheating on said boyfriend. Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it, the two of them were so drunk that they were unable to perform that night (although plenty of making out and intent to bang was at hand) and the boyfriend calls to apologize for not saying ‘I love you’ soon enough which is what caused the whole tantrum and cheat-fest to begin with. The main character Carrie, instead of doing the honorable thing by confessing her unfaithful behavior, rationalizes what happened and quenches her guilt by convincing herself that it is ok to cheat and betray the person you are with because the words ‘I love you’ have yet to be uttered.

This line is yet another example of how a show that claims to empower women and cast them in a positive light, actually does the opposite by providing a blueprint for a selfish, destructive, and immoral existence illustrated in this instance with the lighthearted and totally unrealistic image of betrayal.

In sum, in an age where more and more people are cheating on their partner and doing so in such a flippant, unconscious manner, this show and its casual message that cheating is ok, and that even if you get/caught or confess everything will always work out in the end, is terrible, irresponsible and does nothing to highlight the fact that the rise in cheating is proportional with the rise in unhappiness. But hey, maybe I’m just not ‘fabulous’…

QUOTE 15:

Carrie: It’s like the riddle of the Sphinx. Why are there so many great unmarried women, and no great unmarried men?

Peter Mason, Toxic Bachelor: There’s not one woman in New York who hasn’t turned down ten wonderful guys because they were too short or too fat or too poor.

COMMENTARY:

Question asked. Question Answered.

QUOTE 16:

Carrie : I’m someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.

COMMENTARY:

I remember watching this scene and saying to myself, “YOU SELFISH OVER-DRAMATIC TWO-TIMING SKANK YOU HAD REAL LOVE A TON OF TIMES ON THE SHOW ONLY TO WIPE YOUR ASS WITH IT AND TOSS IT AWAY EVERY TIME.” Ok these might not have been my exact words when I saw it the first time around, but the more I thought about it and thought about how many women today sadly have this same take when of course they also chuck love, the potential for love or a great relationship, that definitely became my prevailing sentiment over time. So my advice to both men and women who have let go of great people in one way or another or are willing to do so because over some flimsy excuse, please for your own sake remember three things; think about what really makes you happy, don’t always think the grass is green on the other side because while it is incredibly easy to destroy something, real love and someone who cares about you is incredibly hard to find, and of course karma is a bitch, so if you’re flippant about people and relationships…

QUOTE 17:

Big: “We are adults without children, we can design our lives the way we want.”
Carrie: “So you’re telling me that you want two days off a week from me?”
Big: “You know so that I can watch TV, do all of the sh*t that bugs you.”

Carrie: “Is this because I am a b*tch wife who nags you?”

COMMENTARY:

While man today is more technical advanced than he has ever been, and equipped with more gadgets, machines and amenities then he knows what to do with, it has actually never been tougher to get by today, be genuinely happy and be at peace. Think about it, has there ever been more pressure and tougher do things like get an  education,  attain peace of mind, to raise your children right, pay your bills, resist destructive images that bombard you daily, to get a good job/career, look out for your family and friends and of course find and maintain a healthy relationship. I am no expert per se, but it seems to me that life is so tough enough as it is, that if you are lucky and able to find balance and find someone who makes you happy, that genuinely cares about you, is there for you and the both of you really love each other, that maybe, just maybe that that should be enough. I know that in this day and age, the message is to expect perfection and always want more, and maybe that is a great thing to pursue and hammer out in terms of money, career, security, education etc., but I think it is tremendously important to remember that people are not perfect, and thus to have this type of relentless pursuit for something better and always wanting for more, is perhaps one of the very reason people and relationships are riddled with so many problems today and have no patience and understanding when it comes to their partner or home life. And in no way am I advocating that people “settle” in terms of the people they end up with, but if you are lucky enough to find the type of person I described in the previous paragraph, that is in no way, shape or form settling especially in this day and age.

Lastly, while it is important to remember that everybody has something or a few things they can improve upon and that these things can often be annoying to another person (especially if you see this person everyday), I really think it is important to remember that attempting to badger someone (man or woman) into your mould is going to only result in one of two scenarios. The first is that the person eventually is hounded into submission, but bares resentment towards you which in turn adds a layer of hostility and resentment on your relationship, which of course over time can help to crush your relationship into nothing. The other is that the person refuses to be hounded into submission causing resentment by both parties to the relationship, layers of hostility and resentment are added that much quicker and of course the relationship is destined to crash that much quicker. That’s it. There are your only scenarios. Well I shouldn’t say that, if you really feel that something needs to fundamentally change you could in a calm, understanding and kind-hearted manner attempt to bring it to your partner’s attention, explain why it is important, and if you don’t hound them regularly they can possibly and depending on how reasonable the request heed what you are saying, but do remember even this is no guarantee for the results sought.

In sum then, be happy with what you have especially if it is good to you, only seek change if really necessary and can make you both stronger and happier. And again this day and age is tough enough as it is, use the time you have wisely and appreciate every moment.

CONCLUSION:

It really is funny how things work out sometimes because when I started this entry ‘Sex and the City’ as a television show had been off the air for about 7 years (even though the last movie only came out last year). But just yesterday it was announced that the show was about to be brought back, and thus the entry is actually quite timely and more apt than ever. I would thus implore every one, man or woman, who think this bubbleheaded, dangerous, shallow and materialistic drivel should serve as any kind of inspiration to please remember that the only people who have gained something positive from this show are the cast and crew who lined their pockets from promoting this crap at your expense and the expense of anyone else naive/impressionable/misguided enough to buy into it.

If you really are looking for some kind of message on how to be happy, it is not going to come from watching this slop. If you really want happiness in life and are someone who is looking for real love, the answer is simple, value yourself, do for others and try to make those around you happy, reciprocate the genuine care and love you do receive and take lessons from the few people you know that who have the real love and happiness you wish to emulate. That’s it, it is the key to happiness and it is actually fabulous.

A few days ago Bill Simmons’ new website Grantland, offered up an explanation for why the combined efforts of Indiana Jones (a.k.a. Harrison Ford) and James Bond (a.k.a. Daniel Craig) were not enough to vanquish the most formidable of movie foes known as “the Bomb.” I sent this explanation in the form of an article entitled ‘Bomb Shelter: Why Did Cowboys and Aliens Fail?’ written by Andy Greenwald and Lane Brown http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/31772/bomb-shelter-why-did-cowboys-aliens-fail to my movie buff friend Ryan so he could be kept abreast of the doings-a-transpiring in the world of movies. Sufficed to say he was unimpressed.

His disappointed spawned a two hate-fest (which was joined by our friend Flem/Michael Fleming on the second day when he decided to e-mail pics of the new Batman movie) that consisted of among other things why the movie industry today sucks, why the current state of journalism sucks, why Harrison Ford is over-the-hill, why despite his over-the-hill-ness Ford still makes movies, the myth that Harrison Ford is the greatest actor of all time etc.

Looking back on the entire chain and on the advice of my friend Ryan, I have decided to post the chain in its entirety. Enjoy, and remember the opinions expressed are those of e-mail chain participants and not, as my friend Ryan so eloquently puts it, of the ‘brain dead hacks’ who pull the strings today’s movie industry.

DAY 1

SAMIR (ME) SAYS:

Check this article http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/31772/bomb-shelter-why-did-cowboys-aliens-fail

RYAN SAYS:

That was a TERRIBLE article. It made me mad to read.

First, the premise of asking the retards (agents/producers) who consistently make these awful decisions why people just like them made an awful decision is flawed from the get go. It’s just like whoever decided to hire Matt Millen to talk to me about football. These producers/publicists/agents are only capable of thinking within their preconceived notions of how to make a “successful” movie. This is immediately evident from their reasoning: “the movie had stars, but not big enough stars”, “we based it on a comic book, but not a popular enough comic book”, “it had 20 producers, we should have kept it to only 9″, “it should have been 3D”. Are you kidding me? Such junk. Exactly the thinking that churns out the same crap over and over. Total inability to think outside the box.

Also, nice job calling out Harrison Ford for not having a “non-Indy action hit” in over a decade. The man is 70+ fucking years old! How about Hollywood tries making good, original movies with talented young actors, instead of giving me movies based on toys staring Cam Gicandet or trying to warm over successful films/franchises from 20 years ago?

Of the reasons they list, only #10 matters.

SAMIR SAYS:

Oh ry, you are way too hard to please…

I agree with what you’re saying in theoryy…but in theory communism works…

That being said who knows these could be the hollywood guys who greenlit inception and hangover…we can’t assume they are all matt millens…

Also I liked the ford rip…he flies way to far under the radar for his crappy performances…if he got ripped consistently he wouldn’t have fans like flem on his jock and the ability to keep making craptatic non-classics….

RYAN SAYS:

My compliment on the Ford rip was meant as sarcasm. Only these Hollywood minds could expect a 70-year-old to be the star of an action film.

And these producers/publicists/agents are the same one who said before the release of Inception that *it* would be a flop! It only got anything because of Nolan’s deal with WB for the next Batman. And The Hangover *wasn’t* greenlit – Todd Philips had to finance it himself, because the studios “knew” you couldn’t make money with an R rated comedy. Of course, now you get a slew of copy-cat R rated films because stupid studio-types misattribute the success to the rating itself, and not the fact that the film was, you know, good. Judging a piece of work on its subjective merits is beyond their comprehension – they need metrics and demographics and cross-promotional synergies.

I’m telling you: Matt Millens, the whole lot of them. And I can’t understand why anyone would think that I would want to hear the opinion of someone who demonstrably has no idea what they’re talking about.

/end rant

SAMIR SAYS:

Wow you’re pretty fired up today…gotta take the coloured chalk out of the accenture board room…

but ya don’t get me wrong hollywood execs are still dopes in suits…but I thought the article gave ford some heat and popped flems bubble that that shit movie would be good

End communication

Also did you check the new wordpress blog layout? Now I just have to link the new name to that blog
RYAN SAYS:

Yah, looked good – now let’s just see some more content. Hell, you could pretty much copy/paste this email chain for a nice easy post. (SAMIR SAYS: YES YES …it was a, lazy and easy way to post)

SAMIR SAYS:

Ya I was juuust gonna say why don’t you submit a why I hate movies feature by ryan furlong…you’ll be the first guest writer

RYAN SAYS:

Come on now, I like movies. Even terrible movies. In fact, I’ll probably like Cowboys & Aliens. I did when it was first released as Vikings & Aliens a few years ago (under the title Outlander).

What I hate is the braindead, race to the bottom, lowest common denominator approach to making movies that Hollywood employs, and how the reasoning for the failure of Cowboys & Aliens, as outlined in that article basically amounted to “we didn’t go low enough”. Seriously, one of their “solutions” to making the movie more successful was “put a hot chick on the poster”. These people are idiots, and their worthless analysis does not deserve a pulpit.

/seriously, end rant

DAY 2

FLEM SAYS:

http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1429716736/rg1920637440 (PHOTOS FROM DKR)

SAMIR SAYS:

Did ry send you that article about cowboys and aliens and why it bombed that I asked him to forward to you?? We both thought it was solidly discussion worthy…

FLEM SAYS:

he did not….it still might get to 100M$. From where I’m sitting, the ads and trailers sucked, except for maybe the first one.

RYAN SAYS:

Sam is full of shit, as per usual. The article was slop.

FLEM SAYS:

Before even reading it – How is it Harrison Ford’s fault? He was barely in the ads it was all Daniel Craig and Olivia Wilde. If anything, film makers need to play him up. It’s as if they don’t realize that they have THE BIGGEST MOVIE STAR OF ALL TIME in their movie and they shove him to second billing.

SAMIR SAYS:

Whatt??? I said you didn’t like it and I thought it through ford some much needed heat…(He veracity of that is 100 percent accurate…

RYAN SAYS:

Sent my email before seeing your last. That one was accurate. The asking me to forward to Flem and my considering it discussion worthy were not accurate.

FLEM SAYS:

Have either of you SEEN the movie?

RYAN SAYS:

My problem was with the terrible article, not the movie.

RYAN SAYS:

Which, no, I have not seen.

SAMIR SAYS (TO FLEM):

You should read the article for the ford heat alone…theywerent saying it was all his fault, but they said he’s over the hill, unlikable and hasn’t made a good movie in 15 years…I also think eddie murphy or samuel l jackson by gross are the biggest stars of all time.

FLEM SAYS:

I just read it. Point 3 and 4 are pretty valid and I want to reiterate my “crappy ads” point. None of them made me say “Wow, that looks cool” and I’m the guy who wants the Ford man to be back on top more than anyone – even Harrison Ford himself if the article is to be believed.

Anyway, he is almost 70 now, so I’m not sure why people are slagging him with “outside of his big hits, he hasn’t had any hits!”. It’s not like Connery, Sly, or Arnie are doing it at advanced ages. But I guess the biggest movie star of all time be held to a higher standard.

GIVE ME BACK MY FAMILY!!!!! – Haha, classic. (THIS IS WHEN WE ADDED HARRISON FORD QUOTES)

RYAN SAYS:
I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK!!

FLEM SAYS:

I SAID NO CAMELS! – BTW according to box office mojo, Ford is #3 all time behind Hanks and Murphy. But strip out animated voiceover roles and Ford is EASILY #1.

SAMIR SAYS:

First of all Arnie and Sly ARE still getting it done with the expendables and its no doubt sequel…plus arnie was the governor…and sly also have rocky 6 and rambo 4…

No ford does not take nearrrly as much heat as he should…he phones in performances worse then al pacino and liam neeson combined…

GET OFF MY PLANE..

FLEM SAYS:

Uh excuse me, but only one of those movies scrapped to 100M and the others didn’t come close. Cowboys and Aliens will easily outgross all of them. What you should have cited was Spy Kids 3D, but even that was 2003….GET OFF MY PLANE!!

SAMIR SAYS:

That’s because animation with sound is before ford’s time….although I hear he’s being courted as guest animator for the sequel to steam boat mickey…

THERE WAS A MAN IN MY HOUSE WITH ONE ARM…

SAMIR SAYS:

I already used get off my plane…also rocky 6, and rambo 4 didn’t have the budgets or advertising dollars that cowboys and aliens did…for it to pass 100 million when it cost with advertising over 400 million makes it a massive bust..

I BELONG IN A MUSEUM or IT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM…

FLEM SAYS:

Rambo did not even make it’s production budget back and the Expendables barely did before advertising. Apparently he has a voice role in “Zookeeper” So you can hang your hat on that, although he’s obviously riding Kevin James’ coat tails.

JAKE, THERE’S A SNAKE IN THE PLANE!

SAMIR SAYS:

I’m not sure what ur argument is here…cowboys and aliens stands to lose over 300 million and was crushed by the smurfs…if for was the biggest movie star of all time and with the budget and promotion they had it should never have tanked that bad…but alas…ford’s appeal today is that bad…he’s the human version of howard the duck…no one wants to see him

ALRIGHT KID YOU’RE ALL CLEAR

FLEM SAYS:

First of all it beat the smurfs on opening weekend. Second, let’s see what the final worldwide gross is before you declare it a bust.Third, the listed budget is 163M$, not this magic $400M you keep citing, so it has an excellent chance of turning a profit. Fourth, the Smurfs are a worldwide icon, and cheesy kids movies in 3d are a fucking golden goose. Fifth I beat you to that quote, and sixth……

LUKE, WE’RE GOING TO HAVE COMPANY!!!

SAMIR SAYS:

The premise for many of your arguments is as empty as Harrison Ford’s (Oscar) trophy case…

1) It just squeaked by the Smurfs and the Smurfs suck so that should have been an absolute crush
2) It is a bust no matter what because…
3) It does need 400-500 million to break even because…

The Studios (DreamWorks, Imagine, Reliance, Relativity, and Universal)
“First of all, Cowboys & Aliens isn’t a HUGE flop,” says our producer. “The movie cost $165 million, and they’ll spend another $150 million to market it worldwide. So it probably needs to do $400 [million] to $500 million to break even. In this insane marketplace, where even unwatchable action movies make a fortune overseas, it’s conceivable.”

4) The Smurfs are a world wide icon really???!? I thought Harrison Ford is the greatest actor of all time…
5) Yes you did beat me to that quote, I guess he does not have nearly as many memorable quotes as we thought because he sucks
6)……

THATS THE CUP OF A CARPENTER…

FLEM SAYS:

you can’t break a sentence into 2 and call it 2 points.

MOLA RAM…PREPARE TO MEET KALI…IN HELL!

FLEM (GETTING DESPERATE) SAYS:

Well Ford should sign up to do “The Dark Knight Returns” he’d be great as a grumpy old guy who kicks ass.

SAMIR SAYS:

Maybe he can play Alfred’s dad…

NO TICKET

FLEM SAYS:

How Dare you…….

YOU’RE ALL CLEAR KID, NOW LET’S BLOW THIS THING AND GO HOME

And there you have it, two days of hate, slacking at work, slamming Hollywood execs, and much more. Although it was a great time, what I think I will take away most is the love…..and the Harrison Ford hate.

Ok here’s how it stands, I just finished editing the massive 9000 word entry on why “sports journalists are bad for sports journalism and sports overall”, and I still have my creative juices flowing. As such I am going to attempt to tackle all of the headlines from the World of sports that I missed during my 6 week or so absence. However, given that its already after 4 and I promised my friend Ryan that I would try to keep the next entry short I have decided to make this a “Twitter” and “Haiku” inspired entry. What does that mean, well my opinions will be limited to 140 characters and/or a Haiku poem. Should be fun, lets get started…

I fully know I will go over the 140 character limited but what the Hell…

Given that 4 o’clock on the day I wished to complete this has come and gone, and the fact that I got distracted (happens easy), this entry was completed on July 18, 2011 (a week or so after my 9000 word opus)….

DALLAS MAVERICKS WINNING THE 2011 NBA CROWN

TWITTER:

Congrats to Dirk and the gang for an improbable and amazing playoff run that culminated in a championship for the city of Dallas. Hopefully the Cowboys can follow suit.

HAIKU ON DIRK:

Great Job by Great Guy

Stayed Classy and Won Title Right Way

Cuban Buy Him a Jet

HAIKU ON CUBAN:

In Your Face David Stern

How You Love Me Now Ross Perot?

Time to Start Holler-ing(again)

MIAMI HEAT LOSING THE 2011 NBA CROWN

TWITTER:

I can’t believe those clowns in Miami did it again, what a bunch of clowns. That team is just talk and tears. Gabrielle Union might look it, but Karma is the real bitch.

HAIKU ON LEBRON:

Payback is a Bitch

Why You Stab Hometown in Back

You Still Ringless Fool

HAIKU ON BOSH (EVA PERON INSPIRED):

Don’t Cry For Me Bosh

Truth Is You Left Toronto

Keep Your Distance Loser

HAIKU ON WADE:

Wrong Guys Signed in Miami

You Guys Only Play Three Quarters

Bosh for Dwight Howard

HAIKU ON ERIK SPOLESTRA:

Valient Effort Guy

Pat Reilly Breathing Down Your Neck

Match Tie with Pink Slip

BOSTON BRUINS WIN 2011 STANLEY CUP

TWITTER:

While I don’t like the City of Boston winning another title because their fans are obnoxious enough as it is, this team earned it through guts and determination. Riding their goalie like Seattle Slew didn’t hurt either.

HAIKU ON BOSTON:

Congrats on Winning

Don’t Get Too Happy About It

Boston Fans Forget with Sox

HAIKU ON VANCOUVER:

Luongo Choked Hard

Why do you Trash own City huh?

Tax Hike Coming for Mess

NADAL BEATING FEDERER AT FRENCH OPEN

TWITTER:

Congrats to Nadal for finding a way to beat the greatest player of all-time again. Federer is still competitive for his age and will still win a couple more majors, but needs at least one over Nadal.

HAIKU ON NADAL:

Do not be too happy

You Look Like Guy From Bachelor-ette

Djokavic Rising

HAIKU ON FEDERER:

You Still the Greatest

Must find a Way To beat Nadal

Cool Guy Paint You Quick – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRxGihSUNEs

TIGER WOODS  WITHDRAWING FROM GOLF AND BRITISH OPEN

TWITTER:

Cry me a fucken river Tiger Woods, you were done a year prior to your shameful Thanksgiving Day wife beatdown/accident. You are a selfish, arrogant, phony and I couldn’t care less if you play again, so quit making statements to get headlines.

HAIKU ON TIGER WOODS:

Nobody Likes You

Its All Over, Take Like a Man

Time to take Poison Pill

HAIKU ON ELIN WOODS:

Thank You For Taking Stand

GIrls Now Walking Out the Door

Maria is Next

SUMMER MOVIES

TWITTER:

I have said it before and I will say it again, this is the worst crop of summer movies I can ever recall and is more than likely the worst crop of summer movies in history. So this is how movie executives repay consumers after the financial crisis of 2008 when they headed to they re-discovered their love of movies and crammed the theatres???!??? THIS IS HOW??? When last year’s movies were out I thought that was the worst crop ever and that movie execs could not slap the viewing audience in the face any harder, but alas last year at least had ‘Inception’, some quality original ideas and put a cap on the crappy superhero franchises, but this year, Crap City, Population the entire movie going public. However, while I hope that this is the bottom of the barrel and that things can only get better from here, given this recent terrible trend I could be wrong. I will therefore stop hating here, and can only hope that the execs wake up, come up with some original ideas, put to bed these terrible superhero movies, can the terrible sequels no one wants and for God’s Sake quit greenlighting projects with Adam Sandler and Kevin James.

HAIKU ON ADAM SANDLER:

How You Suck So Hard?

How Do Your Bad Films Get Made?

Do You Blow For Work?

HAIKU ON MICHAEL BAY:

C-G-I not Good

If You Aren’t Worst I Die Now

You’re on Speilberg’s Jock

SUMMER TELEVISION

TWITTER:

While the state of movies is probably the crappiest they have ever been, if you are a television enthusiast you should be pretty happy with the state of television today, even in the summer. I say this because while crap like the Real Housewives of BLANK, Keeping Up With Kardashians, The Bachelorette etc. continue to be a staple on the air, South Park, Parks and Recreation and of course one of the greatest shows of all-time, Breaking Bad (making its long anticipated premiere on July 17^th) have all fought the good fight against crappy tv and set the stage for a quality summer of television programming (networks have also been doing a good job with the selection of quality movies they have chosen to make the summer rotations). Taking it a step further, the summer of television is actually a pretty good illustration of the state of television overall given that yes there is certainly some of the shittiest, non-sensical bullshit on the air, but simultaneously television is also showcasing some of the best television shows in the history of the medium, both in drama and comedy (i.e. Breaking Bad, South Park , Mad Men, Community, Parks and Recreation, Curb Your Enthusiasm etc.). So while things might be stinking royal down at the ol’ cinema hall, television is doing a more than adequate job ensuring there is enough good programming to balance out the effects of the Bullshit Housewives of Blank, lame-ass America’s Got Talent and whatever crap NBC has going (other than Jay Leno who is still sensational…)

HAIKU ON BREAKING BAD:

Best Show on T.V.

Best Show in all History ?

Should End this Season

HAIKU ON REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BLANK:

How I Hate You So

Shallow Hoes Can’t Tell Me Nothing

All Them Bankrupt Now

THE ESPY’S

TWITTER:

While the baseball player in the unitard was mildly amusing during the lackluster months of sports when hockey, basketball and football are all on hiatus and with baseball and golf being more boring than dirt, the show was ruined for me when attention whore Serena Williams got her way and got way more headlines then she deserved (as usual). Not only did her whorish, dragqueen inspired fashion sense continue to grab headlines but she was some how nominated for best championship performance and won best female tennis player despite not winning a major in the last year and being ranked 175^th in the World. If she isn’t the most un-deservingly slurped athlete on the planet right now (especially since the careers of Tiger Woods and Brett Favre have gone the way of the Dodo) then I don’t believe in or know anything.

HAIKU ON SERENA WILLIAMS:

You Not Beyonce

Let Your Court Play Do Talking

 Put (Tasteful) Clothes on Please

DAP OF THE WEEK- RACHEL UCHITEL

TWITTER:

While this girl will always have a special place in my heart for helping to expose one of the greatest hoaxes of all-time (i.e. Tiger Woods’ fake as persona and universal media suck), but she has now even returned part of Tiger Woods’ hush money to him(although this might have been done heavy handedly and against her wishes) and decided to take on her own former lawyer, annoying busy-body and opportunist Gloria Allred. Who says home-wreckers can’t do the right thing here and there?

HAIKU ON RACHEL UCHITEL:

Loves Rich Married Men

Have you Slept with Everybody?

Screwing Allred Next

DOUCHE OF THE WEEK-JENNIFER LOPEZ

TWITTER:

If you have ever looked up the word ungrateful in the dictionary, you have been sure to find a picture of Jennifer Lopez…or at least you should. Now before I really get into this entry, I would like to announce that I decide to make Ms. Lopez this week’s douche before news broke that she was getting divorced from Marc Anthony. The reason I selected Lopez as this week’s douche was because news broke last week that she was on the fence about returning to American Idol for next season despite that show overpaying her and giving her a fresh start/career re-launch when her career was in the toilet. I was shocked, and if any of the people reading this entry, read my entry last year when it was announced just how much she was making you will really get where I’m coming from.

To bite the hand that feeds you is one thing, but to spit in the face and push down the stairs those that rescued you and put you back on top is quite another. In fact it is utterly douche worthy.

As a side note I will offer 3-1 that she some how gets back with Sean Diddy Combs now that she has gotten a taste for the limelight back and is looking to wrestle the spotlight away from other fame whores like Serena Williams, Khloe Kardashian, Heidi Montag or anyone else that gets in her way.

HAIKU ON JENNIFER LOPEZ:

You Are Cold Blooded

Took the Cash and then Bolted

On To the Next One (Project and Husband I guess)