Ok here’s how it stands, I just finished editing the massive 9000 word entry on why “sports journalists are bad for sports journalism and sports overall”, and I still have my creative juices flowing. As such I am going to attempt to tackle all of the headlines from the World of sports that I missed during my 6 week or so absence. However, given that its already after 4 and I promised my friend Ryan that I would try to keep the next entry short I have decided to make this a “Twitter” and “Haiku” inspired entry. What does that mean, well my opinions will be limited to 140 characters and/or a Haiku poem. Should be fun, lets get started…
I fully know I will go over the 140 character limited but what the Hell…
Given that 4 o’clock on the day I wished to complete this has come and gone, and the fact that I got distracted (happens easy), this entry was completed on July 18, 2011 (a week or so after my 9000 word opus)….
DALLAS MAVERICKS WINNING THE 2011 NBA CROWN
TWITTER:
Congrats to Dirk and the gang for an improbable and amazing playoff run that culminated in a championship for the city of Dallas. Hopefully the Cowboys can follow suit.
HAIKU ON DIRK:
Great Job by Great Guy
Stayed Classy and Won Title Right Way
Cuban Buy Him a Jet
HAIKU ON CUBAN:
In Your Face David Stern
How You Love Me Now Ross Perot?
Time to Start Holler-ing(again)
MIAMI HEAT LOSING THE 2011 NBA CROWN
TWITTER:
I can’t believe those clowns in Miami did it again, what a bunch of clowns. That team is just talk and tears. Gabrielle Union might look it, but Karma is the real bitch.
HAIKU ON LEBRON:
Payback is a Bitch
Why You Stab Hometown in Back
You Still Ringless Fool
HAIKU ON BOSH (EVA PERON INSPIRED):
Don’t Cry For Me Bosh
Truth Is You Left Toronto
Keep Your Distance Loser
HAIKU ON WADE:
Wrong Guys Signed in Miami
You Guys Only Play Three Quarters
Bosh for Dwight Howard
HAIKU ON ERIK SPOLESTRA:
Valient Effort Guy
Pat Reilly Breathing Down Your Neck
Match Tie with Pink Slip
BOSTON BRUINS WIN 2011 STANLEY CUP
TWITTER:
While I don’t like the City of Boston winning another title because their fans are obnoxious enough as it is, this team earned it through guts and determination. Riding their goalie like Seattle Slew didn’t hurt either.
HAIKU ON BOSTON:
Congrats on Winning
Don’t Get Too Happy About It
Boston Fans Forget with Sox
HAIKU ON VANCOUVER:
Luongo Choked Hard
Why do you Trash own City huh?
Tax Hike Coming for Mess
NADAL BEATING FEDERER AT FRENCH OPEN
TWITTER:
Congrats to Nadal for finding a way to beat the greatest player of all-time again. Federer is still competitive for his age and will still win a couple more majors, but needs at least one over Nadal.
HAIKU ON NADAL:
Do not be too happy
You Look Like Guy From Bachelor-ette
Djokavic Rising
HAIKU ON FEDERER:
You Still the Greatest
Must find a Way To beat Nadal
Cool Guy Paint You Quick – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRxGihSUNEs
TIGER WOODS WITHDRAWING FROM GOLF AND BRITISH OPEN
TWITTER:
Cry me a fucken river Tiger Woods, you were done a year prior to your shameful Thanksgiving Day wife beatdown/accident. You are a selfish, arrogant, phony and I couldn’t care less if you play again, so quit making statements to get headlines.
HAIKU ON TIGER WOODS:
Nobody Likes You
Its All Over, Take Like a Man
Time to take Poison Pill
HAIKU ON ELIN WOODS:
Thank You For Taking Stand
GIrls Now Walking Out the Door
Maria is Next
SUMMER MOVIES
TWITTER:
I have said it before and I will say it again, this is the worst crop of summer movies I can ever recall and is more than likely the worst crop of summer movies in history. So this is how movie executives repay consumers after the financial crisis of 2008 when they headed to they re-discovered their love of movies and crammed the theatres???!??? THIS IS HOW??? When last year’s movies were out I thought that was the worst crop ever and that movie execs could not slap the viewing audience in the face any harder, but alas last year at least had ‘Inception’, some quality original ideas and put a cap on the crappy superhero franchises, but this year, Crap City, Population the entire movie going public. However, while I hope that this is the bottom of the barrel and that things can only get better from here, given this recent terrible trend I could be wrong. I will therefore stop hating here, and can only hope that the execs wake up, come up with some original ideas, put to bed these terrible superhero movies, can the terrible sequels no one wants and for God’s Sake quit greenlighting projects with Adam Sandler and Kevin James.
HAIKU ON ADAM SANDLER:
How You Suck So Hard?
How Do Your Bad Films Get Made?
Do You Blow For Work?
HAIKU ON MICHAEL BAY:
C-G-I not Good
If You Aren’t Worst I Die Now
You’re on Speilberg’s Jock
SUMMER TELEVISION
TWITTER:
While the state of movies is probably the crappiest they have ever been, if you are a television enthusiast you should be pretty happy with the state of television today, even in the summer. I say this because while crap like the Real Housewives of BLANK, Keeping Up With Kardashians, The Bachelorette etc. continue to be a staple on the air, South Park, Parks and Recreation and of course one of the greatest shows of all-time, Breaking Bad (making its long anticipated premiere on July 17th) have all fought the good fight against crappy tv and set the stage for a quality summer of television programming (networks have also been doing a good job with the selection of quality movies they have chosen to make the summer rotations). Taking it a step further, the summer of television is actually a pretty good illustration of the state of television overall given that yes there is certainly some of the shittiest, non-sensical bullshit on the air, but simultaneously television is also showcasing some of the best television shows in the history of the medium, both in drama and comedy (i.e. Breaking Bad, South Park , Mad Men, Community, Parks and Recreation, Curb Your Enthusiasm etc.). So while things might be stinking royal down at the ol’ cinema hall, television is doing a more than adequate job ensuring there is enough good programming to balance out the effects of the Bullshit Housewives of Blank, lame-ass America’s Got Talent and whatever crap NBC has going (other than Jay Leno who is still sensational…)
HAIKU ON BREAKING BAD:
Best Show on T.V.
Best Show in all History ?
Should End this Season
HAIKU ON REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BLANK:
How I Hate You So
Shallow Hoes Can’t Tell Me Nothing
All Them Bankrupt Now
THE ESPY’S
TWITTER:
While the baseball player in the unitard was mildly amusing during the lackluster months of sports when hockey, basketball and football are all on hiatus and with baseball and golf being more boring than dirt, the show was ruined for me when attention whore Serena Williams got her way and got way more headlines then she deserved (as usual). Not only did her whorish, dragqueen inspired fashion sense continue to grab headlines but she was some how nominated for best championship performance and won best female tennis player despite not winning a major in the last year and being ranked 175th in the World. If she isn’t the most un-deservingly slurped athlete on the planet right now (especially since the careers of Tiger Woods and Brett Favre have gone the way of the Dodo) then I don’t believe in or know anything.
HAIKU ON SERENA WILLIAMS:
You Not Beyonce
Let Your Court Play Do Talking
Put (Tasteful) Clothes on Please
DAP OF THE WEEK- RACHEL UCHITEL
TWITTER:
While this girl will always have a special place in my heart for helping to expose one of the greatest hoaxes of all-time (i.e. Tiger Woods’ fake as persona and universal media suck), but she has now even returned part of Tiger Woods’ hush money to him(although this might have been done heavy handedly and against her wishes) and decided to take on her own former lawyer, annoying busy-body and opportunist Gloria Allred. Who says home-wreckers can’t do the right thing here and there?
HAIKU ON RACHEL UCHITEL:
Loves Rich Married Men
Have you Slept with Everybody?
Screwing Allred Next
DOUCHE OF THE WEEK-JENNIFER LOPEZ
TWITTER:
If you have ever looked up the word ungrateful in the dictionary, you have been sure to find a picture of Jennifer Lopez…or at least you should. Now before I really get into this entry, I would like to announce that I decide to make Ms. Lopez this week’s douche before news broke that she was getting divorced from Marc Anthony. The reason I selected Lopez as this week’s douche was because news broke last week that she was on the fence about returning to American Idol for next season despite that show overpaying her and giving her a fresh start/career re-launch when her career was in the toilet. I was shocked, and if any of the people reading this entry, read my entry last year when it was announced just how much she was making you will really get where I’m coming from.
To bite the hand that feeds you is one thing, but to spit in the face and push down the stairs those that rescued you and put you back on top is quite another. In fact it is utterly douche worthy.
As a side note I will offer 3-1 that she some how gets back with Sean Diddy Combs now that she has gotten a taste for the limelight back and is looking to wrestle the spotlight away from other fame whores like Serena Williams, Khloe Kardashian, Heidi Montag or anyone else that gets in her way.
HAIKU ON JENNIFER LOPEZ:
You Are Cold Blooded
Took the Cash and then Bolted
On To the Next One (Project and Husband I guess)
