SEATTLE V. CLEVELAND (3 v. 6, yes sadly that was the true score)
If you heard about this game I am sorry that this stinker even had to be processed by your ear drums, however my true apologies lie with anyone else who had to watch this game. Why did I? Well one of my starting fantasy back, Peyton Hills, was have his vag rejuvenation surgery and so I was forced to play his back-up to see how we would do in Hillis’ stead. While it was a relatively solid performance by Hardesty (the aforementioned Hillis back-up) in that he went 95 yards on 33 carries the game itself was atrocious, the watching of which is a fate I would wish on no one and was probably the worst football game I’ve seen since the infamous “mud-bowl” where the score ended up being 3-0. And don’t get me wrong I love defense as much as the next person, but this wasn’t a defensive showcase, this was just an awful team v. awful team trademark crap-tastique performance.
ATLANTA v. DETROIT (23 v. 16)
In the battle of perennial hype up team v. newcomer hype up team (or as George Washington Duke would put, it old lion against new lion…except here both lions are only kings of the hype of jungle), Atlanta trying to stay the course and turn around their already disappointing season (relax Atlanta, its not even the playoffs yet) when they took on the Lions at Ford Field. The result? A back and forth contest which saw Atlanta, despite their defense doing all they could to blow the game, come out and ride Michael Turner to victory. If this game teaches us anything thing is that while the youth might have the physical gifts, experience trumps all…at least when it comes to being a hype up team that will always lose to any legitimate contender and disappoint their fan-base when they expect it least.
Houston v. Tennessee (41 v. 7)
Ouch, I actually thought Houston was in for a close game, especially with the Titans coming off the bye. I guess I must have forgot that their quarterback is a 167 years old, they lost their best WR, and Chris Johnson is still drinking Banana Daquris in witness protection. But even with those factors, given Houston’s lack of Andre Johnson, Shaub’s chronic streaky play and that they were playing on the road, I never would have guessed that they would have ran over Tennessee the way they did. Either Chris Johnson pulls a Christmas Day Grinch move, has his heart grow three sizes and he returns Tennessee’s check so they can go out and get some play-makers or the Titans are in for an up and down next few seasons that will inevitably end badly and at least two more players chucking their equipment in the stands, flipped-birds galore and some more punched out strip club owners.
Denver v. Miami (18 v. 15)
While the Bible-Belt and other fundamental Christians across America will have you believe that Tim Tebow’s come back over Miami was some kind of divine miracle, I like to think of it more as a mathematical certainty. I’m sorry but when you have a team that is winless, plays terrible, starts a player that’s goal is to get thrown out by halftime, has the worst home losing streak in the game and a coach that’s filling out his unemployment and/or W2s on the sidelines during the game the outcome here is merely the summed result of all these factors. In fact, the only miracle was that Miami was even leading at any point during this game. Even the 0-16 Lions from a couple years back showed way more grit then this Dolphins team. This team is the sports equivalent of the Wizard of Oz’s loveable Tin-Man except that they aren’t lovable and there are 52 of them. I here they went out and signed J.P. Losman this week, and wow if that isn’t the biggest white flag of the season I don’t know what is. They might as well have Tony Sparano playing QB, God knows he isn’t working out as coach.
SAN DIEGO v. NY JETS (21 v. 27)
I keep waiting for Philip Rivers and the Chargers (but mainly Philip Rivers because he’s my fantasy QB) to turn it around and show me that they are capable of winning a game without their opposing team losing it to them. Yes I know even with this loss the team is 4-2, but they look terrible and are totally out of sync and the team they fielded last year that missed the playoffs, looked much more impressive then this squad. I don’t know what’s wrong with Rivers and the offense, but if they don’t get their act together they will find themselves bounced from the playoffs early in the best case scenario and in the worst case scenario KC rallies and they finish third in the division behind the Raiders and KC and thus miss the playoffs completely. Again I’m hoping they turn it around because of Rivers, but if you are actually a San Diego fan you have some serious cause for concern despite the record. This team is the NFL equivalent of Nicolai Valuev and no one with any sense can have any fairth in them at this point.
Chi-town v. Tampa Bay (24-18)
If you figured that Tampa can’t win anywhere except home and that this game was being played in London and thus bet hard against them, congrats, I hope you won money like me. Unfortunately the only person who seems to be out of money right now is Matt Forte, who is the most spectacular RB in the game right now, outplayed his current contract 6 games ago and is basically playing hard until he gets hurt so that the Bears can give him the shaft financially (or in the case he’s really hurt bad, show him the door). I know it goes against everything the NFL stands for, but if I was Forte I would sit my ass on the bench and refuse to play until I got a fair deal with some serious guaranteed money. Yes this might be considered dirty to do once the season starts, but if Forte gets hurts he is going to get pennies on the dollar for what he is worth to his team right now and is the BS-one-way media going who will no doubt turn on him if he were to get hurt be there with a check? Are the fans? Are the fantasy owners? The answer is plain and simple, no. The Bears as a franshise especially do not give two shits about loyalty or being fair which is why they cut Tommy Harris when he complained about playing time and his deal and asked for a trade, which is why they refuse to pay Lance Briggs what he deserves and which is why they are refusing to pay Forte his due despite the fact that he accounts for over 50% of their offensive plays. No fuck that, if I’m Forte I sit because I’ve already given the Bears fantastic value for their money since I have come in the league and are the main reason for their success over the years, at least on the offensive side of the ball given their suspect QB-ing and non-existant WRs. PAY ME OR I SIT.
WASHINGTON v. CAROLINA (20 v. 33)
The Redskins not only continue their slide down the standings (which is fine by me because I am a Cowboys fan), but they also continue to lose their best offensive players. And while their team’s best offensive players aren’t stars to begin with, they have worked well together this year to out-shoot everyone’s expectations…at least until now. And while out-shooting expectations is hard enough, losing your starting RB, your starting and best WR, your starting and former pro-bowl TE and having your former starting QB who is a joke to begin with , turning into an even bigger one, well I mean no team can overcome that (especially again if you’re playing over your head to begin with).
KC v. Oakland (28 v. 20)
Another ouch game. I never knew a team could be so impressive one week and so unimpressive the next. Yes I know in a game where your QBs combine to throw 6 picks is a recipe for disaster, but to not even get 3 points on the Chiefs at home is downright disgraceful. Hopefully for the Raiders McFadden gets on the field soon, their young receiving core continues to improve and Carson Palmer remembers how to play football again, but until then the good times in Oakland are finished.
Pittsburgh v. Arizona (32 v. 20)
If you bet on Pittsburgh in this one I bet you’re happy. If you bet on Arizona I bet you are not. Ok enough, but seriously the line in this game couldn’t have been high enough because Arizona stinks. In fact they just don’t stink, they wreak. Pittsburgh who is in playoff mode already after a slow start has come on hard and they absolutely rolled over Arizona. I don’t care what the score says these teams are nowhere near as close both in terms of this game and going forward as franchises. I don’t know what Arizona was thinking getting rid of Leinhart because at least they would have had a young guy cutting his teeth in a system he knows. Kolb is brutal and I’m shocked Larry Fitzgerald hasn’t joined Chris Johnson in witness protection with the crap they have been giving him over the last while. Poor Larry….but wait, no nevermind, I just remember they also handed him a 125 million dollar plus contract as well. For that money they could have Chris Johnson take a dump on Larry and he should still smile and call it ice cream…although his team still is a pile of shit. Beanie’s gone for a while too I hear so, I hope they got their winter tires on.
St. Louis v. Dallas (7 v. 34)
Even though I am a huge Cowboys fan I thought the line going into this game was entirely too high. At +13 I thought the Rams were a lock to cover the spread given the fact that Dallas’ defensive back can’t cover anybody, they blow leads like you or I blow our nose and they have an eleven game streak in which their games have been decided by 4 points or less. In the end? Streak begone! How did the Cowboys crush the Rams and the corresponding spread? Well much like the Joker’s pharmaceutical products (the Jack Nicholson one), it was a combination of things that made them lethal. First, the Rams who are bad enough, were playing without Sam Bradford and Danny Aremndola (gone for the season) plus Steven Jackson was banged up (as usual). In addition, Dallas played shut down defense the entire game (I can’t believe I just wrote that) and didn’t even let St. Louis score a meaningless touchdown to close the game (If these trends continue, ehhhhh…..). However, the biggest thing going for the Cowboys was Demarrco Murray and the explosive and setting game he had. I actually managed to benefit form this performance because of Peyton Hillis’ aforementioned vaginal rejuvenation surgery, Felix Jones who was out with injury (thank goodness) and my zero confidence in Tashard Choice. Dallas finally after many seasons now, seemed to have a competent running game which they can not only use to run up the score (pun intended), but also to take the pressure off Tony Romo and run out the clock when they are ahead (pun intended also). Although I like Felix Jones because he is a Cowboy after all, I hope Dallas keeps him on the bench as long as possible and really give Demarco Murray a legitimate shot. It was a long and painful search to find replacements for Troy Aikman and Michael Irvin (in Tony Romo and Dez Bryant respectively), hopefully now they’ve finally found one for Emmitt Smith.
Green Bay v. Minny (33 v. 27)
While I was shocked Dallas covered the spread, I was more shocked that Green Bay didn’t. This game although on the road, was waiting for them to continue their streak of blowing out opponent. However, much to the dismay of myself and other gamblers, the Vikings actually showed some signs of life now that the human mole Donovan McNabb was removed from their posterior. Hopefully, Green Bay can get back to their winning ways after the bye because daddy needs a new pair of everything.
Indy v. New Orleans.
The beating of the year without question. The silver lining for the Colts? Well they can pull a San Antonio, and snake Andrew Luck in this year’s draft and have their franchise set for the next 15 years (of course ala the Spurs and Tim Duncan). Can they do it? I don’t know but I’m gonna find out (Rounders is still too pimp and has taken over the all-time guy movie crown from Scarface).
Baltimore v. Jax
Wow and in the upset of the week Baltimore loses to Jacksonville. I don’t know what’s wrong with Ray Lewis’ squad, but if he doesn’t find a way for his team to be more consistent and stop getting beat by these terrible teams he is going to end up eating egg noodles and ketchup like an average nobody and live the rest of his life as schnook (I am sorry Rounders but I forgot about my beloved Goodfellas).
WEEK 8 PICKS
GOLD: Dallas + 3.5 over Philly in Philly. This is a total statement game for Dallas and Philly like Asante says, is a pure fantasy team with less chemistry then Johnny Depp and Angelina in their cash grab Tourist movie a few months back. Even if Philly eeks out a win it won’t be for 4 or more.
SILVER: Detroit -3 over Broncos in Denver. As over hyped as Detroit is, no way they lose three in a row and to Denver, the spread is low and Denver just won a miracle game against Miami, no way they pull off another big win.
Bronze: Washington +6 v. the Bills. Although the Skins are going downhill fast they should still have enough players and good coaching to beat the Bills, who appear to know the jig is up on their Cinderella season, and if they don’t, well no offense but they are not beating the Skins who still have a solid defense by more than 6..but I have been wrong before so please gamble responsibly.
