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Archive for June, 2012

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THEY STAY THE SAME: WHAT A RING REALLY MEANS TO LEBRON JAMES

22 Jun

As the seconds ticked down in Game 5 of the NBA finals, the lasting impression of the game was LeBron James and the rest of the Heat celebrating with exuberance along the sidelines. LeBron especially seemed to be revelling in the moment, and if the sports media is to be trusted it was because all of his demons were about to be exorcised. Indeed, the biggest storyline of these Finals, bigger than Miami winning every 50-50 call, Miami’s role players playing out of their minds and James Harden cancerous play, was how all of the things that have dogged LeBron over his 9 year career would be washed away if he won a title. The King’s lack of ring, his late-game let downs, his dubious “decision” to come to Miami and the public score heaped on him since that decision, would all be a memory if he could win 16 games in the post-season. But were they really going to be? By examining each of the items tormenting the LeBron James legacy it would appear that ones skeletons don’t disappear from the closet all that easily.

No Championships: This is the easiest criteria to evaluate as the player touted for 9 long years as being the NBA’s best player finally has a championship. And as LeBron James states, “Its about damn time!” I mean seriously how much longer was the public going to have to sit back and listen to the sports media and the marketing gurus go on and on about a guy being the best in the game, yet after 9 years and every possible advantage afforded him he still has no championship? Instead of being the King, Lebron was starting to look more like the Emperor with no clothes. Fortunately for LeBron (and his brand of course), this particular monkey is finally off his back.

The Inability to Close Late: Aside from his lack of rings, LeBron’s lack of play in the clutch was easily the biggest knock against him. And it was certainly warranted. In recent memory alone, the Cavs were throttled by the Magic when they were pegged to win the Crown in 2009, he disappeared in the infamous series against the Celtics in 2010, he had the worst drop off for any star player in playoff history in last year’s Finals against Dallas, he had a huge choke job after Kobe Bryant called him out in this year’s All-Star game and all of the countless times he deferred to other Heat players in big game moments all season are all prime examples. However, to his credit, mid way through the Indiana series this year a change seemed to be happening with LeBron and by game 6 of the Boston series he had flipped a switch and turned into an incredible force. And while Chris Bosh’s return and the unbelievable play of Miami’s role players certainly were big factors in Miami’s championship run, LeBron James played out of his mind basketball for at least the final 7 games of the playoffs and that is undeniable. Will this performance completely erase all of his unfulfilled MVP seasons and disappearing acts over the last 9 years? Probably not, but in the what-have-you-done-for-me-lately culture in which we live his critics will surely be satisfied in the interim.

The decision to come to Miami: When LeBron choose not to re-sign with his hometown  team the Cleveland Cavaliers, the decision to do so was undeniably met with scorn and criticism across the board. And while LeBron’s camp could not understand how overnight his image had changed, it was obviously the dubious circumstances around the decision and “The Decision” which sparked the backlash. However, backlash for the traitorous maneouver aside, there was also something about the reason behind leaving which did not resonate well with people both inside and outside the NBA(past greats like Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson and Larry Bird for example could not believe a star player could ever do such a thing). However, in making the choice to leave LeBron was not only jumping ship on his franchise, he was doing so for the purpose of joining up with other two other top 15 players so that they would be placed in the best position to win a championship. Add to this the fact that LeBron was willing to leave his team and join and join an Alpha-Dog player on his turf (i.e. Dwayne Wade in Miami) and suddenly the King looked like nothing more than a conniving side-kick.

All of this however is of course nothing new, and while this scenario has been talked about countless times, it is worth remembering because in my opinion nothing actually changes in relation to it now that LeBron has won a title. Why you ask? Well because while the popular notion being floated around now remains that winning a title will somehow validate LeBron’s decision to play in Miami, it actually changes nothing about the manner in which LeBron chose to abandon his home team in Cleveland, underhandedly took the short cut in order to win a title and basically go from being regarded as the top player in the NBA to a guy willing to play second fiddle on someone else’s  team.  In sum, while the plan worked to fruition and LeBron got his ring, the criticisms with respect to his decision, “The Decision” and his inability to win without help all remain in tact, and in large part validated.

Winning will alleviate the Public Scorn: While I can at least understand the rationale behind why winning would slay the previous demons listed (although again I do not agree with the third), LeBron winning a title and somehow winning over the masses that hate him is a theory I will never understand. However, for whatever reason the mainstream media has been peddling the idea that if LeBron James were to win a title, that the public would somehow forget their misgivings about him and welcome him with open arms (And they have been peddling this idea hard!).  My question to those who perpetuate this notion is when has anyone hated by the masses who managed to succeed in the very manner feared by the general public ever been successful in winning them back? Has this ever happened in the real world let alone the sporting world? For example, when O.J. Simpson was acquitted of murder, it is not as if the members of the public who loathed him were suddenly going to be happy about the fact he got off, forgive him and then embrace him. And while of course LeBron’s actions in no way even remotely compare to the seriousness of the charges Simpson faced, both LeBron and O.J. had a similarly large polarizing effect on the general populace. If that analogy is too much of stretch, bringing the argument back to the sporting level, when A-Rod finally won his ring, it is not as if the people who did not like him before suddenly began to like him after he won a ring, rather both camps remained relatively constant with the only difference being that A-rod had won a ring and the general knock on him was removed. And thus it remains the same with LeBron. Therefore, the only way LeBron, or anyone in the public eye for that matter who  wants to get the scorn of the public off of them, can successfully do so is by finding a way to successfully change something fundamental about themselves that helped to cause the ire in the first place.

Say what you will about Western Society, but it will always root for the person who honestly works hard and the person who keeps trying their best despite the odds. It is an inescapable fact that is woven into the very fabric of our society and demonstrated over and over in every medium imaginable. Therefore, when LeBron James decided to defect his franchise in Cleveland, he violated these sacred tenets and it is for this reason that no matter what he does or how many championships he wins in Miami he will never be able to ingratiate himself back to the masses and will always be burdened by it.

I therefore submit that the only way LeBron will ever be able to exercise all of his demons remains the same today as it did the second after he announced his intention to bolt to Miami and it has nothing to do with winning championships. For LeBron James the only path to restoring his legacy and winning back the public is for him to return to the franchise he abandoned and do all he can to finish what he started.  It is that simple. No amount of money, no amount of titles, no amount of press, no amount of MVP awards no amount of anything else will ever work for him.

Whether or not the Prodigal Son actually fulfills this prophecy and returns to Cleveland however is anyone’s guess.

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THE WORST MONEY EVER WON..

21 Jun

Bet details for ticket number  22408****-*:

Bet Type: Future
Bet Status: Win
Risk/To Win Amount: 80.00 / 184.00 (CAD)
Date Accepted: 2-December-2011
Time Accepted: 2:38:59 PM (Pacific)
Amount Paid: 264.00
Description NBA Futures
Team to Win NBA Title 2011-12
Will the Miami Heat Win the 2011-12 Title?
Yes   3.300
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FUTURE CALL LIST: PART 1

14 Jun

Many of my readers have asked repeatedly for it, so here it is without delay. Obviously I doubt I will hit on all of them, but I heard as gambler you are doing well if you can hit at over 54%, I feel confident I will hit on at least 70% of the following…

Enjoy..AND PLEASE REMEMBER THAT THIS ENTRY IS CONSTRUED FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!! IT IS MEANT TO BE HUMOURS AND A SATIRICAL TAKE ON PRESENT SOCIETY!!!

THINGS THAT WILL COME TO PASS AFTER JUNE 14, 2012

-Although I missed out on the initial Apple gravy train, Apple will hit $1000.00 dollars a share in the near future. With the iPhone 5 dropping soon, kids going back to school, Blackberry in turmoil, the launch of a new iPad things look gravy for Apple so buy ASAP and don’t be irked by the day-to-day swings. The next two quarters should be large for Apple.

-Buy up all the Liquor Stocks you can. I have watch the market for the last year and can tell you that one of the most resilient assets to hold or liquor stocks like Diego and Budweiser (DEO and BUD). Although the market is rollercoastering what do people need in good time and bad? ALCOHOL. Somebody will always be celebrating or drinking there sorrows away, either way you’re a winner.

-With the baby-boomers getting up there, the only safer bet then them watching the news 24/7 is them needing more pharmaceutical drugs. So be smart and grab some Pfizer, Johnson and Johnson and Proctor and Gamble while you can.

-If you can get Lionsgate stock (the film company) anywhere in the 11 dollar range buy it a shit load of it and hold it until the conclusion of this Hunger Games craze.

-GOOGLE!! Now initially I had Google outperforming APPLE and reaching $1000.00 a share first, however a couple of things have since irked my confidence. Google’s odd proposed stock-split, its suspect diversification into things like self-driving cars (which could be a big hit, I know I will buy one), increased competition from Apple with respect to its navigation programs, increased competition from Yahoo with Yahoo’s picture based search engines and the increasingly difficult task of managing advertisements on mobile devices (a problem for Google since the majority of its revenue comes from ads), are all reasons to be weary of Google. None the less, in an information age where the internet is everything and Google (for the time being at least) is the internet, feel confident that Google will hit $800.00 a share at some point in the medium future. If you want to be smart wait for the proposed split and then buy it up like a biscuit in a bowl full of Gofer gravy.

-Lindsay Lohan’s death is on the horizon. I feel bad because the girl has talent, but way too many factors are working against her (i.e. jail, drug and alcohol abuse problems, bad parents, the press stalking her relentless, questionable finances, the shame of being relegated to do life time etc.) and so it is only a matter of time. I don’t know how what the ramifications are with respect to this latest Porsche crashing incident, but you can believe they won’t be good.  Also, WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING STILL GETTING BEHIND THE WHEEL OF ANY MOTOR VEHICLE???? You have a fucking assistant, let that schmuck drive!!!

-Tila Tequila’s death is also on the horizon, probably a lot sooner then Lohan’s

-Charlie Sheen will tragically die within the next 5 years.

-This will be a big year for Leonardo DiCaprio. Depending on how Gatsby goes he might win his long overdue Oscar this year.

-The film Rock of Ages will tank miserably.

-The film That’s My Boy will do well enough that Adam Sandler will continue to be allowed to make movies. God I hate the movie industry.

-The movie industry will wonder why receipts are down despite the fact that they have pumped out nothing but terrible un-funny comedies (see above), monotonous sequels and comic-franchise reboots.

-The flop of Jon Carter will only inspire movie studios to “stick to what works” and pump out the same old crap. GOD I HATE THE MOVIE INDUSTRY!!!!!!

-Taylor Lautner will come out as Gay

-Jason Derullo will come out as Gay

-Missy Elliot will come out as Gay/Lesbian

-Hugh Jackman will continue to live as a straight man despite being Gay

-Rhianna and Chris Brown will get back together (if they are not already)

-If the Miami Heat lose another NBA final, Erik Spolestra will be fired quicker then you can say Pat Riley

-If Miami loses again, expect at least one of the big three to be moved

-The only way the public forgives Lebron James and gets behind him again is if he somehow goes back to Cleveland

-Mike Brown will be fired as Lakers coach either after this season on next

-Larry Brown has a good chance of replacing Mike Brown as Lakers coach

-Phil Jackson will be named coach of the New York Knicks

-Amar’e Stoudamire will not last 2 more seasons with the Knicks

-Mikel Pokarvovs (sp?) of the New Jersey/Brooklyn Nets will be a spectacular failure as the Russian will soon lose complete interest in the venture.

-The Bulls roster as is will never compete for a championship despite their regular season runs. Either Derrick Rose will continue to disappoint come playoff time or they will need an established big man who can work the paint (both offensively and defensively).

-Dwight Howard has (mercifully) played his last season in Orlando

-Peyton Manning’s tenure in Denver will be largely disappointing

-The Jags will regret not landing Tim Tebow. Either that or it was there plan all along to get the hell out of Jacksonville.

-Adrian Peterson will be finished as a running back within 2 seasons.

-Terrel Owens will die under tragic circumstances. Feel bad for the guy, he had tremendous talent but could never hold it in check under the medias’ bear-baiting to find and keep a home in the NFL.

-Robert Griffen 3 will be a spectacular failing in the NFL

-The Patriots will beat the Tennesse Titans in Week 1. BET THE HOUSE ON IT

-The Dallas Cowboys will lose to the Giants in Week 1.

-The Patriots winning after a loss and Dallas losing any big game it needs to win shall continue to be the safest bets in sports unless Dallas’ secondary has a miraculous shift. Claiborne might be the spark.

-Despite losing in week 1 Dallas will go on to have a good season.

-The Toronto Maple Leafs sign Robert Luongo.

-Wilmer Valderamma will continue to score with chicks way out of his league and only cement his status as this generation’s Scott Baio

-Taylor Swift will finally get called out for her dubious relationships (see Taylor Lautner, John Mayer) and lose the fake victim status she accrued when Kanye West rushed the stage

-Taylor Swift will make an album about it that will sound the exact same as all of her albums and all of her songs.

-The Miss World, Miss America, Miss Universe or whatever else pagents that are run by Donald Trump will either be exposed as frauds or the scandal will force Donald Trump to give up ownership. Trump will be sad as he will lose control of something he truly covets, a breeding ground for potential mistresses.

-The next big trend in music will be producing songs that were meant to sound like they belong in the 80s.

-Bill Hader will be officially recognized at the funniest man alive (long overdue by the way)

-Dark Knight Rises will be a massive hit, but will miss the mark set by Dark Knight

-Megan Fox’s career is over.

-Brooklyn Decker will come to her senses and leave perennial loser Andy Roddick.

-The marriage of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban will not last.

-Serena Williams will lose her standing as sports media darling and she will become the most disliked athlete in professional sports.

-Tiger Woods will no more then one more major.

-Reality T.V. will undergo a tough phase due to the oversaturation of the medium (especially with this recent wave of knocks like the Choice, Glasshouse etc.). Even ratings heavyweight American Idol will continue to suffer. Score one for the Golden Age of television.

-Despite the re-vamp of Simon Cowell’s X-factor it will remain a disappointment.

-Despite the support of TBS ratings for Conan O’Brien’s talk show will continue to dwindle until he is embarrassingly cancelled.

-Jay Leno will remain the undisputed king of late-night (Ryan that one’s for you).

-David Stern will finally release his dubious grip on the NBA and finally resign under mounting pressure for his debacles.

-Someone will die as a result of an on ice injury in hockey in the near future. Months of coverage by the sports media will follow.

-Ditto as the above for professional football.

-Carly Rae Jespen (or whatever her name is ) will displace Tom Cochrane as the greatest Canadian one hit wonder ever. Unless of course she sadly “goes slutty” and moves to the United States.

-People Magazine will come under fire for being racist due to it never selecting a minority as its ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ (only one time in the publication’s history has the title gone to a non-white).

-Despite the recent swirl over head injuries in the NFL the game might change to accommodate more precautions, but will not lose any interest by audiences. Furthermore, the recent worry that athletes will be deterred from playing football thereby leading to some kind of shortage on the supply side will be a non-factor given  the massive talent pool in the United States and Canada. Somehow Bill Simmons and Malcolm Gladwell talked about each of these issues as problems but did not make the link.

-The Office will be mercifully cancelled by NBC (about 3 years too late).

-The overuse of Sheldon Cooper on CBS’s Big Bang Theory will lead to audience exhaustion and cause an early end to the show.

-Oprah Winfrey’s OWN television network will continue to disappoint leading to its dismemberment. A return to her old program is possible.

-Every solo project undertaken by the members of ‘Jersey Shore’ will fail miserably.

-Barrack Obama wins re-election as President barring some massive scandal

-In Canada (where I am from) the ruling Conservative Party will continue to rule until the two prominent left wing parties, the NDP and the Liberals, amalgamate.

-The four evil masters of the Media Universe, Adam Sandler, Howard Stern, Seth Macfarlane and the phoniest man in show business Ryan Seacrest will continue to put out terrible projects that will rake in millions in undeserved income until the populace realizes that these guys are talentless, shallow hacks who don’t deserve anything!! I can’t wait for that day, but I can feel it coming!! Bring on the media revolution!!!

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RULES OF THE GAMING HOUSE-PART 1 AND PART 2

08 Jun

After another not-so-great outing at the local ‘sino I found myself rightfully angry with myself for making the same bone-headed blunders I swore I would never make again. These blunders however, are not what you think, as they have they have nothing to do with how I play my hands at the table. Rather these mistakes are violations of basic tenets I have crafted for myself about how I should comport myself within the environment of the casino.

After having been playing since I was 18, and despite the fact that I still consider myself “up” in the long-run (due to some major luck at the Caribbean stud table..I have luckily won  all the prizes save the Royal Flush), these rules have been crafted from years of pain. I hope that you will take these lessons to heart as I hope to now that they are somewhat codified..

Enjoy and PLEASE GAME RESPONSIBLY

THE RULES

  1. NEVER PLAY AT A TABLE WITH A GIRL DEALER- NEVER EVER EVER, it is not just that I have some superstition against girl dealers, but there is also real science/logic behind why you shouldn’t. Girl dealers attract low-lifes, drunks and basically people who don’t know how to play and just want to run their mouths and try to run some lame-ass game rather than follow basic strategy or basic common sense. So in sum, if she’s got chips, she ain’t paying out chips. STAY AWAY.

 

  1. IF THE TABLE HAS BAD ENERGY OR YOU ARE NOT FEELING IT, LEAVE TABLE- never listen to people who say each hand is independent or that there is no higher power at work at the gaming table. These people are wrong and if you look at their stacks have done in the long-run following the atheist approach to gambling you will see that I’m right. Just like sports energy and momentum is everything, so if the table is packed with douche bags, or everyone is expecting to lose or people are pissed off, do yourself a favour and get up and move to another table. Unlike your spouse you are not married to any table and should feel free to leave at anytime. Casino’s get you by getting you to stay when you don’t want  to be there, so get up and walk at any time.

 

  1. AS SOON AS SOMEONE MAKES A BONEHEAD MOVE, LEAVE TABLE- I cannot underscore this enough, if a player makes a stupid head scratching call like hitting a13 or higher against a bust-card, splitting tens, splitting 5s, doubling 12 against 6s (YES I HAVE SEEN ALL OF THESE>>>AND MORE!!! L) do yourself a favor and get yourself the fuck out of there as fast as possible. Yes I can even concede to even the atheist of gambling that the cards are independent (well actually I don’t agree with this, fuck that every card counts), over time these bad plays add up and they will only increasingly happen when you need them to happen the least (i.e. when you’ve got 20s and/or the dealer has 5 or 6 and you get dirtied by that guys’ stupidity.

 

  1. NEVER CUT THE DECK- Best case scenario is the deck will go well, but more likely is it will go bad and you will spend the entire shoe feeling guilty and have to weather storm of bad looks and comments like “who cut that shoe” from other players.  Plus for whatever reason I just have had bad luck with it, its like putting your hands on a conference trophy, it jinxes you or something.

 

  1. NEVER PLAY AT A SUSPICIOUSLY EMPTY TABLE- I know how it is even though the casino is packed and you and your friends are desperately looking for a table and you see one empty in the distance, inviting you…but still you must not go. Because just like an oasis in the barren chaos, it will most likely turn out to be a mirage. Ok enough with the metaphors, that table is empty for a reason, the dealer most likely just got through pounding everyone’s dick in and the cards are still messed. STAY AWAY.

 

  1. ALWAYS TIP THE DRINK GIRL- its just Karma. The gambling Gods will not reward you with good cards if you can’t spare a 50 cent piece or a buck to the poor person who has to hump the drink-cart.

 

  1. ALWAYS TIP THE DEALER IF ITS GOING GOOD- cards can change in an instant, you need all the positive energy you can get, even if its from the guy handling the cards. So if its going good tip, again its Karma, but a lot of times unless he’s a dick the dealer will pull for you because like you he’s also working for the man (and more likely than not you are too). So if he rewards you, you do the same..its just good business.

 

  1. IF YOU’RE DOWN AND MIRACULOUSLY RALLY BACK TO EVEN, LEAVE GAMING HOUSE- we’ve all been there, down a ton after a bad night, but than suddenly the cards turn and you go on a hot run packed with splits that can’t miss and double downs that turn into 21s. You get back to even on the night, and think “how much further can I push this?” Well the simple answer is don’t. If the gambling Gods were merciful enough to let you get back to even, or even plus your food and drink expenses on the night, take it as a sign of their good will and get the hell outta there.  If you push it its like spitting in their face with your ungracious saliva and the last thing the Gambling Gods is to be spat at.

 

  1. DON’T KEEP THE UP-BET UP-ED AFTER A PUSH- while I always advise to play with the same denominations, occationally after your 17 beats the dealer hand that was showing the 10 you might feel frisky and wanna up your bet by 5or ten dollars. And while there’s nothing wrong with that, if you are dealt a hand that pushes against a deal (20 and the deal get 20) or a painful push against a deal (you’ve got 19 and the dealer works his 6 into a 19), IMMEDIATELY LOWER YOUR BET BACK!!!! I have been gambling since I was 18 (so about 13 years now) and I have never seen a victory come after this kind of push. Be smart and do the Paul Pierce step back and fire away only with your previous regular bet.

 

  1. 10.   FOLLOW BASIC STRATEGY TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY- Basic strategy is what it is, it’s the mathematically best way to play the percentages at blackjack developed by a bunch of nerds at M.I.T long ago. And while I like to play with feel in terms of my environment and the way I bet sometimes, it’s important to still put yourself in the best position to win, which is of course by following the numbers…and of course who knows the numbers better than a bunch of M.I.T. nerds. So do yourself a favour and memorize basic strategy or failing that get a little chart to prop down next to you or don’t be afraid to ask the dealer to ask the pit-boss to check his chart, they are there standing around getting paid so they might as well be good for something. HOWEVER, even if you don’t wish to follow-basic strategy to the tee on the toss up hands(I myself have the fatal flaw of not remembering whether to hit the 12 against three or the 13 against the two…don’t try and tell me it is just something I will never know…please), the key is playing consistently, so if you never hit that particular hand, just remember to never hit it ever. EVER!!!

 

  1. 11.   NEVER COUNT YOUR MONEY/WINNINGS WHILE PLAYING- to do this is akin to laughing at the gambling goods for all the money you have stolen from them. If you must count do so while the cards are being changed or you are on a break, but never at the table. If you do decide to do it anyway, you will be brought back to Earth and quickly have no chips to count. That is a sad quick count indeed.

 

  1. 12.   NEVER PLAY WITH A TIME CRUNCH- Not only is this true if you are supposed to be somewhere or meeting someone in the near future, but is ESPECIALLY TRUE if someone like your spouse or girlfriend is waiting for you in the Casino. If you are playing with a looming deadline or forcing your significant other  to have to wait longer, you will only become frantic and make erratic moves you would otherwise not make. And as bad as the negative consequences that come from frantic play are, they pale in comparison to the bad karma you bring in but trying to eek out a couple of extra hands despite your pre-determined commitments, or worse pissing off your loved ones. As such take a tip, if you have some place to be in the near future and/or someone is waiting on you, cut your play take a minute to grab a drink (or grab them a drink) and leave early.

 

  1. 13.   NEVER PLAY ON PACKED NIGHT- This one is easier said then done especially when you have made plans and gotten dressed up for a night at the casino. Who wants to go all the way there, get food, watch everyone play and then not play yourself right? However, as tough as it is resist the urge as packed nights (usually Friday and Saturday) means higher table minimums and longer waits for games you want which causes you to want to stay at the table even if its not going good. My advice therefore is that if it’s a packed nights, take in the sights, grab some drinks, grab some food and only gamble with smaller amounts at games that aren’t usually so packed and your money lasts longer (i.e. Paigow).

 

  1. 14.   NEVER TRY AND GAME AT THE END OF A NIGHT OUT- I know its tempting, the bar is closing, your still having a great time ballin’ out with your friends, you want the night to keep going and you figure, “hey the Casino is open 24hrs?” BAD IDEA. If you want the night to keep going, grab some food, find an after hours spot, go back to your friend’s house…hell even ringing doorbells is a more constructive activity then attempting to end a night out on a good note with the Casino. I have done this more times than I can remember and it has only worked out once (on a New Years’ a couple years back). ONCE. I don’t know what it is that makes the nights end badly at the Casino, but it never works out. Oh wait, I know exactly why it doesn’t work out….

 

  1. 15.   NEVER PLAY WHILE INTOXICATED- I may not know much in this life, but if I know one thing for absolute certainty it is that ALCOHOL AND GAMBLING DO NOT MIX. And I am not even talking about games like poker that require your constant attention and your ability to hide your emotions, even in games like black jack when all you are doing is following basic strategy while playing (or at least you should be), your play is significantly compromised. Why you ask? Well with alcohol lowering your inhabitions you will find yourself wildly changing your bets, staying at crappy tables with bad players and even winding up at tables with, gulp, girl dealers. So do yourself a favor if you are hammered stick to the bar or hand your wallet off to someone else and watch them play…or pull an Iverson and urinate in a trash can. Believe me,  you and your wallet will thank me.

 

  1. 16.   EAT!!!!- One of the worst things you can do as a player is gamble on an empty stomach because not only will you become tired, but you’ll become agitated, impatient and start playing more aggressively than you would otherwise. My advice is that you if you start to feel that hunger coming on, take a break when the cards start to cool a bit and head to the buffet or restaurant and eat hearty (not too hearty cause the last thing you want is to feel slow when important calls need to be made at the table).

 

  1. 17.   BEWARE THE COOLER!- We’ve all been there, the table is going well, everyone is happy, winning and there is enough energy at the table to power Vegas (or at least a small fan) for two days. And then it happens, your dealer who is paying off like crazy gets that icy tap on his shoulder. When the dealer change occurs one of two things happens, the dealer will either burn one card or continue to deal the deck as is, but either way THE CARDS CHANGE!! Don’t ask me where the logic is with respect to the latter, but it happens (either because people play differently out of fear with the dealer or the icy dealer somehow manages to freeze time and change all the cards in the shoe). My advice therefore, is don’t necessary leave when the new dealer arrives, but play ultra conservative (i.e. don’t up your bet) and watch what happens. If it gets frosty in hurry grab your chips, wish everyone at the table luck, give a stern fist shake to the dealer and get the hell out of dodge.

 

  1. 18.   KNOW WHEN ITS YOUR NIGHT AND WHEN IT IS NOT- Really this rule should have been number one because if you can understand it and have the discipline to understand it you will save yourself a lot of pain and a lot of coin. Why? Well if you are anything like me you will know within the first 5-7 hands if you are going to be up on the night. If those hands go well, you are in for a good night. If however they go bad and you find yourself getting beaten on winning hands and/or the dealer is a picaso when it comes to turning 6s into 21s (the ol’ 6,5,5,5 is the worst), then do the smart thing and bet small for the rest of the night, or better yet chalk it up to being a bad night. Trust me it is better to quit while you’re ahead, then making repeated trips to your wallet and/or the bank machine and losing badly (and yes I meant to write that, leaving down only a little is ahead compared to being down much more). In sum, knowing when to hold them and knowing when to fold them, is not just applicable to the cards in your hand, but rather some nights on the whole.

 

  1. 19.   ASK PERMISSION BEFORE JUMPING ONTO A HOT TABLE- If you are looking for a spot to play and you see a table having a good time and winning large DO NOT just jump in because there’s an empty seat. Respect the game and respect the other players at the table. If the shoe is beefy, ask the players if it is ok that you join, this will not only maintain the good vibes at the table, but will not make you feel bad should the cards take a turn for the worse. If the shoe is almost done, don’t’ even ask, just let the players who are a run play on and wait for the next shoe to enter in. In sum, the gambling gods will appreciate your courtesy, Karma will be on your side and the players at the table will appreciate you. Running afoul of all three of these will result in a greed laced downward spiral and certain doom.

 

  1. 20.   BEWARE OF JUMPERS- Unfortunately not everyone follows rule 19, so you have to keep your guard up for people looking to get in quick and ride your table’s coat tails. And sometimes there is no harm in this, but if this quick entrants, turn into quick exitors after winning  a hand or two there could be problems. Cards change and nothing changes cards quicker then people jumping in playing a one or two hands and bouncing out. As such, unless you play at a table which protects against mid-shoe entries (and usually this is reserved for high stakes tables) you have must keep a constant vigil on not only what’s in front of you, but what’s behind you as well (a difficult task, but no one said gambling was easy). As such I would recommend keeping an eye on all those who troll around your table, especially the high school/university kids thrilled to win 20 dollars, and keep your guard up. If they suddenly pop in and you can tell they are holding a light stack and/or goof-offs who likely don’t know how to play you can either ask them to please wait a few hands or just sit out and wait for them to leave. Worst case scenario they will win or lose 20-40 dollars and be on their way.

 

  1. 21.   WASH YOUR HANDS- What do you get when you mix the excitement of gambling, free drinks at the table, biological needs and people with questionable hygene practices together? You get urine soaked chips. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen dudes rushing out of the bathroom after they take a  piss at the Casino without washing there hands. It’s like the bathroom is on fire and they cannot take a second to douse themselves with some hot water and soap. It is downright nasty, no other way to put it. To help alleviate this problem, which is certainly a health hazard if you mulitiple all the trips to the bathroom by the number of times your chips have changed hands, Casino’s have even started installing Purell stations but still people blow past these like yellow lights. I have no idea what is causing to check their hygene at the door, but please people WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS!! And if you watch someone leave the bathroom without doing so (at the Casino or otherwise) chase these people out of the bathroom and exclaim for all to hear that “THIS SICKO DID NOT WASH HIS DAMN HANDS!!!!” Shame is a terrific motivator, maybe even the best.

 

  1. 22.   SPREAD THE WEALTH- When you win a big hand in some statisiscally against the way manner, do yourself a favor and spread some of these winnings around. And while I am not advocating do things and day to day hands, but if you say, hit a big jackpot, win a big prize at Carribean stud (4 of a kind or higher), make some crazy coin at let it ride poker etc. , show your gratitude by helping out the less fortunate around (and in so doing paying tribute to the gambling gods). And while you might be one of those people who thinks its an empty gesture, I can assure you that you are mistaken. For example, when I hit a four of kind in Caribbean Stud a couple of years ago I got paid about 1000 dollars. Of that thousand I paid 25 dollars to each of my fellow players. By doing this I was not only paying it forward, but showing my gratitude for such a fortuitous event. Last year my luck at Carribean Stud continue  straight flush about a year ago in Caribbean Stud it paid out about 7700 dollars and I immediately paid each of my players 50 dollars a piece. Were the two events 100% connected, probably not, but it felt good too do it, and like most things in life Karma probably had a big hand in it. Furthermore, last week I was beside a guy who hit 3 7s of the same suit in blackjack which paid him a cool 5Gs and you know what happened? He immediately paid everyone at the table 50 bucks each. What goes around comes around..one way or another. And while the doubters doubt I promise you Karma is a more surer law than gravity…especially at the gaming house.

 

  1. 23.   DON’T BE AFRAID TO TELL A MORON THEY ARE PLAYING BADLY- While this point may seem to go against everything I have peppered I this entry about Karma, it actually really doesn’t. At least this is the way I figure it because in a way calling someone out and telling them they are making terrible play is actually a benevolent act in the long run. How you say? Well by cluing this current moron onto the fact that they are playing moronically, you are hopefully saving said moron from losing many of his moronic dollars in the future. Furthermore, speaking up against stupidity will also help save the rest of your table from a dude whose play is costing them money as well and help them to confront someone they might not be able to themselves. Its like being a modern day Rosa Parks or the white girl from the Help who writes that book, because stupidity no matter its form must be boldly confronted head on.

 

  1. 24.   PLAY GAMES YOU KNOW (OR AT THE VERY LEAST AREN”T AFRAID TO ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT)- Occasionally you will see a group of people laughing, having a great time, winning big stacks and think, “wow that looks like fun.” But before you do make sure you are at least somewhat familiar with how the game works  before you do. I know this make seem like an obvious thing to preach but I remember there are times when I have seen people think Aces are low and muck their hands (poker), forfeit their winnings because they did not place their cards in the appropriate places (paigow), bust on hands they should not have hit (black jack) and attempt to play because a group of Asian were betting their life savings on and it seemed like a sure thing to join in (Bakarat). In sum then, please save yourself some coin and only play games you at least have a working knowledge of. However if you are deadest on trying something new without how to play, at least make sure you are comfortable enough to ask the dealer how to play then hand. I myself still ask the dealer what the house way is in Paigow (although I often play against said house way).

 

  1. 25.   REMEMBER IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN- I know when you’re getting pissed at dealers, losing it on fellow players, trying to avoid contracting E-bola in the bathroom and getting dirtied on hands you are supposed to  win that’s it hard to remember what going to the casino is all about, having fun. Its not about making money, well at least serious money, because if you want to do that there are wayyy easier and surer ways to do that (buying APPLE, GOOGLE and then selling them every time they go up 10% is an example). Unless you are a person who considers gambling their profession AND are consistently good at it (this second aspect is often overlooked), there is no reason for you to be betting huge sums of money and/or getting super pissed when you lose. As such if you are going to the Casino consider it a night out playing fun and engaging activities, no your limits  and stop when it stops being fun and/or you have reach your limits. That’s it. That’s what gambling should be about. If you can do that I promise you will have nothing but positive memories about your gambling experiences….until of course some moron decides to double down his 12 against a six and pulls the dealer’s break card. Then it’s on!!

 

BONUS RULE- NEVER PLAY WITH WINNINGS-  Say you start one day with 200 and turn that 200 into 400. Whatever you do DO NOT start your next casino adventure with 400!!!! Instead throw that two hundred into the bank, buy stock, buy your girl something nice or even burn it for warmth, but never ever play with money you consider “winnings” as it will only compromise your judgment, cause you to play in spots you do not want to and be the catalyst that causes you to lose the entire amount of money (in this case 200 start and 200 profit). I therefore emplore with every fibre of my being not to play with so-called winnings as losing it is a mathematical and universal certainty.

See You At the Tables…..

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THAT’S ALL I CAN STAND I CAN’T STANDS NO MORE: A REPLY TO RICK REILLY..

07 Jun

A few days ago, mysteriously still employed sportswritter Rick Reilly composed a piece about why Lebron James doesn’t deserve public scorn as he is in Reilly’s estimation a “Selfless Hoops Genius.” The piece made me want to throw up and although I do not wish for you to throw up as well it can be found here (PLEASE USE CAUTION AFTER CLICKING)  http://espn.go.com/espn/story/_/id/8011587/lebron-being-lebron. After choking back the last few drops of my vomit, I calmly (or as calmly as I could) composed a reply to Reilly’s terrible piece and I have attached it here..

Enjoy..

Hello Rick,

I just read your LeBron column and could not have been more disappointed. While I am usually disappointed after reading your work, today’s piece was particularly un-funny and ignorant.

It was un-funny because as usual you are out of touch with what ESPN’s main demographic finds humourous. You are the type of writer one’s grandmother might have found funny years ago find funny but no one under the age of 40 will find you slightly amusing (I suspect this is why one is not allowed to leave comments below your work, while J.A. Adande and Jackie McMullan pieces are freely available for comment). But that is you and has been for some time.

Your ignorance today however, is what really sets this piece apart from your already disappointing body of work. First of all, the only reason you and other members of your profession are all over LeBron James is because you’re (excuse my language) “Star Fuckers” and because LeBron gives you access you want to gloss over his on-court achievements (or lack their-of) and his off-court behaviour  (plus you and your bosses don’t want to pen the truth about LeBron for fear of a blackout similar to when Jordan blacked out SI for telling him to bag it).

The fact remains that people do not like LeBron for no reason, because there are plenty of reasons not to. He is selfish, spoiled ingrate who abandoned his fans/fanbase to take the coward’s way out and tried to find the short cut to winning a championship. And while you are correct in your statement that everyone has the right to do so, what really troubles fans is not just that he did this in the most obnoxious way, but that you and your peers continue to annoint him as the king of basketball. Not only has LeBron not won a title in 9 years despite being given every advantage from both the media and GMs who fall over backwards to cater to this guy, but he is not even one of the top two basketball players playing the game right now, so why the hype?

Because Kobe Bryant’s accolades and tenaciousness speak for themselves, I will make the case for why Kevin Durant is better player and a leader both on and off the court.

Kevin Durant is not only younger then Lebron, but is putting up numbers at a much higher clip then Lebron ever did (save assists and steals) so from a statistical stand point alone he is the better ball player. With respect to on court leadership, despite being much younger than LeBron he has been able to work with what his team has assembled around him and has brought his team to the cusp of beating what you and the rest of the mainsteam media were dubbing the greatest team of all time just a week ago, so here too he is the superior ball player. And finally with respect to being a leader off the court, well his actions speak for themselves. He inspires his teammates, takes less money to be true to his endorsements, and quietly shows gratitude to the team and fanbase that made him a star by signing a long-term deal when he didn’t have to. That is what being a superstar is all about, it takes that kind of leadership Mr. Reilly.

So while you and your peers might continue to spin stories about giving Lebron a break and why does the public hate him so, well part of the reason has to do with you. You continue to spin unoriginal falsehoods about the “King of Basketball” while paying tribute to him in the form of MVP trophies and the like, despite the facts.

Win or lose Kevin Durant is the superior basketball player(and of course Kobe Bryant already is), but if he wins a ring this year there should be no debate. Usually the general public is chastized for allowing bogus things to go unchecked (i.e. Howard Stern, Family Guy, Adam Sandler, Your Columns), but in this case they have got it absolutely right.

Stop trying to cram Lebron James down our throats.

Samir

www.hundyspot.com

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RULES OF THE GAMING HOUSE-PART 1

05 Jun

After another not-so-great outing at the local ‘sino I found myself rightfully angry with myself for making the same bone-headed blunders I swore I would never make again. These blunders however, are not what you think, as they have they have nothing to do with how I play my hands at the table. Rather these mistakes are violations of basic tenets I have crafted for myself about how I should comport myself within the environment of the casino.

After having been playing since I was 18, and despite the fact that I still consider myself “up” in the long-run (due to some major luck at the Caribbean stud table..I have luckily won  all the prizes save the Royal Flush), these rules have been crafted from years of pain. I hope that you will take these lessons to heart as I hope to now that they are somewhat codified..

Enjoy and PLEASE GAME RESPONSIBLY

THE RULES

  1. NEVER PLAY AT A TABLE WITH A GIRL DEALER- NEVER EVER EVER, it is not just that I have some superstition against girl dealers, but there is also real science/logic behind why you shouldn’t. Girl dealers attract low-lifes, drunks and basically people who don’t know how to play and just want to run their mouths and try to run some lame-ass game rather than follow basic strategy or basic common sense. So in sum, if she’s got tits, she ain’t paying out chips. STAY AWAY.

 

  1. IF THE TABLE HAS BAD ENERGY OR YOU ARE NOT FEELING IT, LEAVE TABLE- never listen to people who say each hand is independent or that there is no higher power at work at the gaming table. These people are wrong and if you look at their stacks have done in the long-run following the atheist approach to gambling you will see that I’m right. Just like sports energy and momentum is everything, so if the table is packed with douche bags, or everyone is expecting to lose or people are pissed off, do yourself a favour and get up and move to another table. Unlike your spouse you are not married to any table and should feel free to leave at anytime. Casino’s get you by getting you to stay when you don’t want  to be there, so get up and walk at any time.

 

  1. AS SOON AS SOMEONE MAKES A BONEHEAD MOVE, LEAVE TABLE- I cannot underscore this enough, if a player makes a stupid head scratching call like hitting a13 or higher against a bust-card, splitting tens, splitting 5s, doubling 12 against 6s (YES I HAVE SEEN ALL OF THESE>>>AND MORE!!! L) do yourself a favor and get yourself the fuck out of there as fast as possible. Yes I can even concede to even the atheist of gambling that the cards are independent (well actually I don’t agree with this, fuck that every card counts), over time these bad plays add up and they will only increasingly happen when you need them to happen the least (i.e. when you’ve got 20s and/or the dealer has 5 or 6 and you get dirtied by that guys’ stupidity.

 

  1. NEVER CUT THE DECK- Best case scenario is the deck will go well, but more likely is it will go bad and you will spend the entire shoe feeling guilty and have to weather storm of bad looks and comments like “who cut that shoe” from other players.  Plus for whatever reason I just have had bad luck with it, its like putting your hands on a conference trophy, it jinxes you or something.

 

  1. NEVER PLAY AT A SUSPICIOUSLY EMPTY TABLE- I know how it is even though the casino is packed and you and your friends are desperately looking for a table and you see one empty in the distance, inviting you…but still you must not go. Because just like an oasis in the barren chaos, it will most likely turn out to be a mirage. Ok enough with the metaphors, that table is empty for a reason, the dealer most likely just got through pounding everyone’s dick in and the cards are still messed. STAY AWAY.

 

  1. ALWAYS TIP THE DRINK GIRL- its just Karma. The gambling Gods will not reward you with good cards if you can’t spare a 50 cent piece or a buck to the poor person who has to hump the drink-cart.

 

  1. ALWAYS TIP THE DEALER IF ITS GOING GOOD- cards can change in an instant, you need all the positive energy you can get, even if its from the guy handling the cards. So if its going good tip, again its Karma, but a lot of times unless he’s a dick the dealer will pull for you because like you he’s also working for the man (and more likely than not you are too). So if he rewards you, you do the same..its just good business.

 

  1. IF YOU’RE DOWN AND MIRACULOUSLY RALLY BACK TO EVEN, LEAVE GAMING HOUSE- we’ve all been there, down a ton after a bad night, but than suddenly the cards turn and you go on a hot run packed with splits that can’t miss and double downs that turn into 21s. You get back to even on the night, and think “how much further can I push this?” Well the simple answer is don’t. If the gambling Gods were merciful enough to let you get back to even, or even plus your food and drink expenses on the night, take it as a sign of their good will and get the hell outta there.  If you push it its like spitting in their face with your ungracious saliva and the last thing the Gambling Gods is to be spat at.

 

  1. DON’T KEEP THE UP-BET UP-ED AFTER A PUSH- while I always advise to play with the same denominations, occationally after your 17 beats the dealer hand that was showing the 10 you might feel frisky and wanna up your bet by 5or ten dollars. And while there’s nothing wrong with that, if you are dealt a hand that pushes against a deal (20 and the deal get 20) or a painful push against a deal (you’ve got 19 and the dealer works his 6 into a 19), IMMEDIATELY LOWER YOUR BET BACK!!!! I have been gambling since I was 18 (so about 13 years now) and I have never seen a victory come after this kind of push. Be smart and do the Paul Pierce step back and fire away only with your previous regular bet.

 

  1. 10.   FOLLOW BASIC STRATEGY TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY- Basic strategy is what it is, it’s the mathematically best way to play the percentages at blackjack developed by a bunch of nerds at M.I.T long ago. And while I like to play with feel in terms of my environment and the way I bet sometimes, it’s important to still put yourself in the best position to win, which is of course by following the numbers…and of course who knows the numbers better than a bunch of M.I.T. nerds. So do yourself a favour and memorize basic strategy or failing that get a little chart to prop down next to you or don’t be afraid to ask the dealer to ask the pit-boss to check his chart, they are there standing around getting paid so they might as well be good for something. HOWEVER, even if you don’t wish to follow-basic strategy to the tee on the toss up hands(I myself have the fatal flaw of not remembering whether to hit the 12 against three or the 13 against the two…don’t try and tell me it is just something I will never know…please), the key is playing consistently, so if you never hit that particular hand, just remember to never hit it ever. EVER!!!

 

  1. 11.   NEVER COUNT YOUR MONEY/WINNINGS WHILE PLAYING- to do this is akin to laughing at the gambling goods for all the money you have stolen from them. If you must count do so while the cards are being changed or you are on a break, but never at the table. If you do decide to do it anyway, you will be brought back to Earth and quickly have no chips to count. That is a sad quick count indeed.

 

  1. 12.   NEVER PLAY WITH A TIME CRUNCH- Not only is this true if you are supposed to be somewhere or meeting someone in the near future, but is ESPECIALLY TRUE if someone like your spouse or girlfriend is waiting for you in the Casino. If you are playing with a looming deadline or forcing your significant other  to have to wait longer, you will only become frantic and make erratic moves you would otherwise not make. And as bad as the negative consequences that come from frantic play are, they pale in comparison to the bad karma you bring in but trying to eek out a couple of extra hands despite your pre-determined commitments, or worse pissing off your loved ones. As such take a tip, if you have some place to be in the near future and/or someone is waiting on you, cut your play take a minute to grab a drink (or grab them a drink) and leave early.

 

  1. 13.   NEVER PLAY ON PACKED NIGHT- This one is easier said then done especially when you have made plans and gotten dressed up for a night at the casino. Who wants to go all the way there, get food, watch everyone play and then not play yourself right? However, as tough as it is resist the urge as packed nights (usually Friday and Saturday) means higher table minimums and longer waits for games you want which causes you to want to stay at the table even if its not going good. My advice therefore is that if it’s a packed nights, take in the sights, grab some drinks, grab some food and only gamble with smaller amounts at games that aren’t usually so packed and your money lasts longer (i.e. Paigow).

 

  1. 14.   NEVER TRY AND GAME AT THE END OF A NIGHT OUT- I know its tempting, the bar is closing, your still having a great time ballin’ out with your friends, you want the night to keep going and you figure, “hey the Casino is open 24hrs?” BAD IDEA. If you want the night to keep going, grab some food, find an after hours spot, go back to your friend’s house…hell even ringing doorbells is a more constructive activity then attempting to end a night out on a good note with the Casino. I have done this more times than I can remember and it has only worked out once (on a New Years’ a couple years back). ONCE. I don’t know what it is that makes the nights end badly at the Casino, but it never works out. Oh wait, I know exactly why it doesn’t work out….

 

  1. 15.   NEVER PLAY WHILE INTOXICATED- I may not know much in this life, but if I know one thing for absolute certainty it is that ALCOHOL AND GAMBLING DO NOT MIX. And I am not even talking about games like poker that require your constant attention and your ability to hide your emotions, even in games like black jack when all you are doing is following basic strategy while playing (or at least you should be), your play is significantly compromised. Why you ask? Well with alcohol lowering your inhabitions you will find yourself wildly changing your bets, staying at crappy tables with bad players and even winding up at tables with, gulp, girl dealers. So do yourself a favor if you are hammered stick to the bar or hand your wallet off to someone else and watch them play…or pull an Iverson and urinate in a trash can. Believe me,  you and your wallet will thank me.

 

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