Introduction
While I consider myself a feminist, or more specifically a liberal feminist in that I believe men and women should have equal opportunities and equal rights in both legal and social contexts, I am troubled by the rhetoric and irrationality flowing from a number of people claiming to speak for the feminist perspective. Many of these people who have decided to take a more forceful and acrimonious approach to gender relations in so doing actually hurt and undermine the status of women. More specifically, the people referenced I would call “faux-feminists” and faux feminism I would define as as the process of blindly trying to promote women to act in a manner similar to men which not only ignores modern realities but has a three prong effect of undermining the true feminist movement, placing women in a worse position (in almost every way), and perhaps worst of all, allows women to be exploited in greater fashion by the male patriarchy. Unfortunately, while faux-feminism has also taken root in not just public life, but private life as well. From Arlie Hochschild to Sheryll Sandberg, it is clear that many women and prominent feminists are advocating for men take on a greater share of responsibilities within the home that were for the most part traditionally undertaken by women without sufficient consideration to certain consequences. Furthermore, this push to both get men to take on a larger share of household responsibilities coupled with efforts to de-stigmatize men who actually take on large portion of domestic responsibilities has led to an unprecedented growth of stay-at-home dads than ever before in both Canada and the United States.[1][2] Couple this with data which demonstrates a lower rate of divorce today despite an initial spike that followed the rapid rise in feminist ideals in the 1970s and 1980s, and one can easily make the case that a men doing a larger share of certain responsibilities within the home has led to a decline in the divorce rate.
Unfortunately, this is simply specious thinking or merely a correlation, and as any student of the social sciences will tell you, a correlation does not mean causation. For example, following this logic one could argue that men taking on a larger share of certain domestic duties is actually directly linked to a variety of 21st century phenomena like the rise in social media, the climate change crisis, or even the fall in polio. As such, a different approach instead of superficially examining two trends is required. In doing so, after actually analyzing more substantive studies, reviewing the opinions of experts in the field, and looking at the long-term effects based on accounts from those actually partaking in this shift, a more detailed examination demonstrates that while there could be correlation found between the push for men to do more housework and more stable marriages, the evidence highlights an entirely different scenario behind not only the falling divorce rate, but long-term consequences of men taking on a traditionally varied domestic skill set. And it is unfortunately not a positive one. I will state from the outset though that as a liberal feminist I would never advocate that all household responsibilities are solely within the domain of women. Quite the contrary, as it is critical that men should and must have important and demanding responsibilities within the home in order for families to function effectively. However, what I am suggesting is that there is a real disconnect between advocating for a certain set of responsibilities to be undertaken by men and the assumption that this undertaking has led to more harmonious relations between men and women, a lower divorce rate, and by extension a greater quality of life for women, men, and their children.
Examining the Correlation
Several sources have highlighted that the rise in feminist ideals has led to not only more stable marriages, but a greater quality of life for women. Without question this is certainly true in some respects, given the availability of more opportunities for women today built on the premise that ensuring equal protection for all members of society under the law can (and does) lead to freer and more expansive choices, greater assurances of high quality education, greater disposable income for women and for their families, more security, and the potential for happier lives. But how has parity helped life within the home?
Given feminism’s success at maximizing opportunities for women at the individual and professional levels, one could assume theoretically that advocating blanket parity within the home would be a great boon for families and married couples. Prominent feminist and businesswoman Sheryl Sandberg has become the champion of this cause and repeatedly asserts that men who take on more of the domestic responsibilities at home are part of more stable families, have happier wives, and even crassly asserts that they also will get more “action” as well[3] (although this latter point has been especially contested by a wide variety of social scientists[4][5]). And while she might be the leading advocate for this cause, it is clearly evident that many people, both feminist and not, have ascribed to this mentality. For proof those who advocate for chore parity highlight that after an initial spike in divorce following the rise in feminism in the 1970s, as feminism has continued to become more prominent and chore parity more accepted within society, the divorce rate has started to fall in recent years.[6]
Beyond the Superficial
While there is indeed a correlation between the rise in feminism and the fall in the divorce rate, as previously stated a correlation with the rise in feminism can be made with a number of things and without greater analytical rigor one could blindly attribute feminism’s prominence to almost anything. As such a different approach instead of superficially examining two trends is a must.
If the idea that feminism’s rise is has been beneficial to marriage, one should really start their examination with the marriage rate as opposed to the divorce rate. Doing so however leads to a crushing blow for the premise behind the aforementioned correlation given that the marriage rate over the last 25 years has not only fallen, but fallen far more dramatically than the divorce rate.[7][8][9] As such, a more relevant correlation seems to indicate that the rise in feminism or at the very least some feminist ideals has actually been detrimental to the institution of marriage in that it seems to be hampering their production. And while again it is true that the divorce rate is falling, when factoring in the marriage rate it would appear that there are far fewer sustained marriages net than ever, and as such one could easily make an argument that the rise in feminism has actually been a detriment to the institution of marriage. Moreover to reconcile both realities (decline in divorce rate and the even bigger decline in the marriage rate) one could actually argue that instead of feminist ideals leading to a fall in the divorce rate, what is happening is that the divorce rate is actually falling because it is riding a positive wave due to traditional couples who still choose to get married while less-traditional couples are satisfied to simply cohabitate together. However, in fairness if one is going to dismiss one correlation for lack of causal evidence one should be prepared to do the same for others as well. Plus, as a feminist I want to know if chore parity within the home is actually good for families.
While Sandberg and others of her ilk must be thrilled with data that suggests a rise with respect to men being more active within the home and the number stay-at-home dad’s at an all-time high, there are plenty of reasons for you to frown. This is because several experts are now beginning to publish evidence which runs counter to this increasingly common change in traditional domestic practices, particularly as they pertain to the stay-at-home dad.[10] First, although many feminists pride themselves on advocating how men taking on more expansive chore list is a good thing for marriages, the evidence stands in firm opposition. For example, a recent study found that the divorce rate among couples who shared housework equally was 50 percent higher than other couples who had a more traditional arrangement.[11][12] Although this statistic is jarring enough, it would appear that the stay-at-home dad who does so by either by choice or because of circumstance is at an even greater detriment.[13] Not only does the evidence suggest that stay-at-home dads are much more likely to divorce, but a recent Harvard study confirmed that men who do not work outside of the home full-time are part of marriages that are one-third more likely to end in divorce.[14][15]
If the idea that men should take on a more active role at home is a positive for marriage, how can this be true? While some would argue that this is because men who have taken the lead on the domestic front often feel emasculated and are more likely to take out their feelings of lost manhood via cruel and destructive choices like adultery and substance abuse[16][17]. After engaging one-on-one with numerous spouses it appears a prominent London based family attorney who has dealt with scores of divorcing couples adds another valuable piece of the puzzle. According to Vanessa Lloyd-Platt one of the leading segments of divorce is women who are married to stay-at-home dads who initiate divorce proceedings.[18] Although many have made similar comments in reference to this result, her direct evidence based summary is quite eye-opening as after a few months of this increasingly prevalent arrangement she concludes that, “the novelty of having a beta male who does the dishes wears off… They just don’t find subservient guys sexy – and so they look to alpha males in the workplace.”[19] In another piece for the Dailymail she elaborates on this position:
“The honeymoon period lasts for six to 12 months then the woman starts to feel resentful when she comes home and Dad is watching TV with the kids and the house is a tip… There is also a sense of embarrassment among many women when their friends find out their men are full-time dads, which they hate…Bottom line is, they don’t respect their other half any more. If they don’t respect him, they don’t fancy him — and it’s a slippery slope…I also know of house husbands who were dealt the cruelest blow of all: their wife, no longer turned on by their man-about-the-house, ran off with a dashing alpha-male colleague.”[20]
Although Ms. Llyod-Platt’s account is sobering enough, it would appear that the rest of this picture can ironically be filled in quite astutely by ‘feminist’ Hanna Rosin. As Rosin highlights in her wildly acrimonious work on gender relations entitled Men are Obsolete (which appears to be an uninspired derivative of her work The End of Men) she finds that in relation to men who take the lead on the domestic front these men are in essence “the new ball and chain”[21] and that there is less incentive to stay with a man (particularly one with low socioeconomic status) that does not work in the traditional sense:
The working class feels the end of men the most, as men lose their jobs and lose their will to be fathers, and women do everything alone, creating a virtual matriarchy in the parts of the country that used to be bastions of good old macho country music style values. Why don’t these women marry or live with the fathers of their children? As many a woman told me, “He’d be just another mouth to feed.”[22]
So whether seen a “beta-male”, “ball and chain”, or “another mouth to feed” it would appear that life is not all its cracked up to be for men, like the stay at home dad, who have actually followed through on radical feminist demands and taken on a more varied set of responsibilities at home. In addition, by Rosin’s own admission she finds other dire repercussions, particularly for children, directly related to this new-age scenario as well:
The situation today is not, as (sociologist Kathryn) Edin likes to say, a “feminist nirvana.” The phenomenon of children being born to unmarried parents “has spread to barrios and trailer parks and rural areas and small towns,” Edin says, and it is creeping up the class ladder. After staying steady for a while, the portion of American children born to unmarried parents jumped to 40 percent in the past few years. Many of their mothers are struggling financially; the most successful are working and going to school and hustling to feed the children, and then falling asleep in the elevator of the community college.[23]
While Rosin appears to gloss over many of these findings in her work given the amount of time she devotes elsewhere, in addition to the aforementioned she further finds that while overall women on an individual level have more opportunities than ever before, the (sociological) changes that have allowed this to happen have come at the expense of everyone; men, women children, and families as a whole.[24] As such, this type of result which can and has flowed from blanket chore parity is neither balanced nor desirable, and radical feminists like Rosin who advocate for this type of scorched earth approach to gender relations should be weary of the consequences.
However, surely there must be a way to achieve a fair and equal balance where neither sex is exploited by the other and from which families can have a firm foundation that ensures the best possible future for both parents and their kids? Fortunately there does appear to be one.
Interpreting the Data and Future Considerations
Although there is certainly a correlation between feminism’s rise in prominence and the current fall in the divorce rate, an analytical examination into more telling statistics and testimonials reveals that as it pertains to more expansive set of duties within the home, the current push for men to take on a varied role at home does not lead to greater stability between couples. In fact the data suggests quite the opposite in that women and men who deviate too dramatically from traditional responsibilities within the home tend to marry less and divorce at a much higher rate than couples who do not. Although there remains great enthusiasm about a different arrangement, and while it should be stated that experts do highlight that couples who formalize their responsibilities early on in their relationships and stick to these commitments can significantly reduce friction,[25][26] the evidence overwhelmingly suggests that the majority of people experience a spike in dissatisfaction and conflict after a relatively short period of time not only when men take a greater hand at domestic duties, but especially when women become the primary (and/or sole) breadwinner as well. Are there couples who genuinely can make their marriage work when there is a large shift away from traditional responsibilities? Absolutely, however again, the data demonstrates that they are in a distinct minority and that this is still not the case for the majority of people.
While we as a society still appear to be firmly in favor (at least practically) of the traditional status quo in terms of male-female dynamics at home, does this mean that this will always be the case? While primordialists might say yes, as a constructivist I would say no as there may be enough of a shift in circumstance to facilitate a real change beyond the current state of affairs or the failed prophecies from many contemporary feminists.
However, even if a domestic paradigm shift never materializes within the home and women still continue to perform a larger portion of certain domestic responsibilities,[27] this does not necessarily mean female oppression or that an unfair dynamic must currently be transpiring within most families. For instance, while it is true that in order for most modern marriages to work that women in essence must become super-women, especially if it is their desire to have full-time careers and balancing work and home becomes incredibly demanding, this does not excuse men or produce a situation where they are absolved from responsibilities beyond their own careers as well. In essence that means that men can and should become super-human too because in truth, no healthy marriage can be sustained where one party is solely career focused and contributing nothing else to the household or home-life beyond some antiquated expectation of simply bringing home the bacon and then having their spouse cater solely to them, their career or their other needs. However, reconciling this fact with the fact that men taking on a more varied set of responsibilities within the home can be detrimental is still very much possible. In fact, the solution is also fairly obvious if looking at a male-female dynamics through the right lens and understanding the notion of complimentary but equal. Equal does not, and rationally cannot, mean the precise division of one specific responsibility or even a set of particular responsibilities, but rather in the domestic context should refer to a fair distribution of individual inputs. For example, in this case where both partners work, if a woman spends X amount of time and energy on traditional domestic duties within the home (meal preparation, laundry, dishwashing etc.) and a man spends the same X amount of time and energy on other domestic duties (lawn care, cleaning vehicles, exterior home finishing, dealing with service providers/paying bills etc.) no rational person can say that this is not a fair arrangement or an unequal distribution of responsibilities. As such, even under the most stereotypical labels that see women as being the compassionate, loving, caregivers for the family while the men the leaders, providers, protectors for the family this is not necessarily oppressive or unhealthy dynamic provided each person is inputting relatively similar time and effort contributions into the relationship.
As such, while society (Western or not) might not be ready to embrace a shift in traditional roles and responsibility at home, this does not necessarily render domestic male-female dynamics unequitable or anti-women, especially if chore parity is derived from a complementary but equal base. In fact, if one accepts the premise that the institution of marriage is a strengthening and happiness agent[28] for both men and women with respect to emotional support, security, and is a solid position from which to raise happy and well-adjusted children,[29] then cultivating relationships premised on equal time and energy inputs is a dynamic one that is not only theoretically sound and practically equitable, but is actually very feminist as well.
Bibliography
“Study finds ‘significant’ spike in number of stay-at-home dads in Canada: ‘Men had to step up’” Online: National Post, 2015, available at:
“Why being a stay at home dad is the quickest way to kill your sex life (and can even lead wives to stray)” Online: Dailymail UK, 2012, available at:
“Growing Number of Dads Home with the Kids” Online: Pew Research Center, 2014, available at:
http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/06/05/growing-number-of-dads-home-with-the-kids/
“Choreplay: if men want more sex, they should do the laundry first” Online: The Telegraph, 2015, available at:
“Men Who Do More Housework Have Less Sex” Online: Scientific American, 2013, available at: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-who-do-housework-have-less-sex/
‘’Men who do less housework have more sex’ Online: The Telegraph, 2014, available at:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/relationships/11284963/Men-who-do-less-housework-have-more-sex.html
“The Divorce Surge Is Over, but the Myth Lives On” Online: New York Times, 2014, available at:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/02/upshot/the-divorce-surge-is-over-but-the-myth-lives-on.html
“Record Share of Americans Have Never Married” Online: Pew Research Center, 2014, available at:
http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/09/24/record-share-of-americans-have-never-married/
“National Marriage and Divorce Rate Trends” Online: Centres for Disease Control, 2015, available at:
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nvss/marriage_divorce_tables.htm
“U.S. marriage rate hits new low and may continue to decline” Online: Deseret News, 2015, available at:
“Couples who share the housework are more likely to divorce, study finds” Online: The Telegraph, 2012, available at: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/9572187/Couples-who-share-the-housework-are-more-likely-to-divorce-study-finds.html
“Divorce Rates: Couples Who Share Housework Run Higher Risk Of Divorce” Online: Huffington Post, 2012, available at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/28/divorce-rates-couples-who_n_1923623.html
“Don’t Blame Divorce on Money. Ask: Did the Husband Have a Job?” Online: Bloomberg, 2016, available at:
“The REAL reason modern marriages end: Women more likely to divorce stay-at-home dads who fail to live up to breadwinner stereotype” Online: Dailymail UK, 2016, available at:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3710922/The-REAL-reason-modern-marriages-end-Women-likely-divorce-stay-home-dads-fail-live-breadwinner-stereotype.html#ixzz4N5sdE55A
“Men are Obsolete” Online: Time, 2014, available at:
http://time.com/179/men-are-obsolete/
“The End of Men” Online: The Atlantic, 2010, available at:
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2010/07/the-end-of-men/308135/
“The Difference Between a Happy Marriage and Miserable One: Chores” Online: The Atlantic, 2013, available at:
“Divorced, deceased parents linked to kids’ smoking and drinking” Online: CNN, 2016, available:
http://www.cnn.com/2016/10/10/health/absent-parents-blamed-for-kids-behavior-embargoed/
“Men who earn less than their women are more likely to cheat”, Cornell University, 2010, available at:
http://www.news.cornell.edu/stories/2010/08/men-more-likely-cheat-higher-earning-women
“The Downside of Being a Stay-At-Home Dad?” Online: Huffington Post, 2012, available at:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/do-stayathome-dads-cheat_b_1859860.html
“Don’t Let Your Husband Be a Stay-At-Home Dad” Online: Time, 2014, available at:
http://time.com/89992/dont-let-your-husband-be-a-stay-at-home-dad/?xid=emailshare
“It’s a Man’s World, and It Always Will Be” Online: Time, 2013, available at:
http://ideas.time.com/2013/12/16/its-a-mans-world-and-it-always-will-be/
“Is Feminism Destroying the Institution of Marriage?” Online: Telegraph UK, Online, 2015, available at:
“Want marriage to last? Share the housework: Report reveals couples who both do the chores are more likely to stay together” Online: Dailymail UK, 2014, available at:
“Stay-at-Home Dads Likely to Divorce” Online: International Business Times, 2011, available at: http://www.ibtimes.com/stay-home-dads-likely-divorce-297541
“Cleaning: The Final Feminist Frontier” Online: New Republic, 2013, available at: https://newrepublic.com/article/112693/112693
[1] “Study finds ‘significant’ spike in number of stay-at-home dads in Canada: ‘Men had to step up’” Online: National Post, 2015, available at:
[2]“Growing Number of Dads Home with the Kids” Online: Pew Research Center, 2014, available at:
http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/06/05/growing-number-of-dads-home-with-the-kids/
[3]“Choreplay: if men want more sex, they should do the laundry first” Online: The Telegraph, 2015, available at:
[4] “Men Who Do More Housework Have Less Sex” Online: Scientific American, 2013, available at: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-who-do-housework-have-less-sex/
[5] ‘Men who do less housework have more sex’ Online: The Telegraph, 2014, available at:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/relationships/11284963/Men-who-do-less-housework-have-more-sex.html
[6] “The Divorce Surge Is Over, but the Myth Lives On” Online: New York Times, 2014, available at:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/02/upshot/the-divorce-surge-is-over-but-the-myth-lives-on.html
[7] “Record Share of Americans Have Never Married” Online: Pew Research Center, 2014, available at:
http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/09/24/record-share-of-americans-have-never-married/
[8] “National Marriage and Divorce Rate Trends” Online: Centres for Disease Control, 2015, available at:
[9]“U.S. marriage rate hits new low and may continue to decline” Online: Deseret News, 2015, available at:
[10] “Don’t Let Your Husband Be a Stay-At-Home Dad” Online: Time, 2014, available at:
http://time.com/89992/dont-let-your-husband-be-a-stay-at-home-dad/?xid=emailshare
[11]“Couples who share the housework are more likely to divorce, study finds” Online: The Telegraph, 2012, available at: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/9572187/Couples-who-share-the-housework-are-more-likely-to-divorce-study-finds.html
[12] “Divorce Rates: Couples Who Share Housework Run Higher Risk Of Divorce” Online: Huffington Post, 2012, available at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/28/divorce-rates-couples-who_n_1923623.html
[13] “Stay-at-Home Dads Likely to Divorce” Online: International Business Times, 2011, available at: http://www.ibtimes.com/stay-home-dads-likely-divorce-297541
[14]“Don’t Blame Divorce on Money. Ask: Did the Husband Have a Job?” Online: Bloomberg, 2016, available at:
[15] “The REAL reason modern marriages end: Women more likely to divorce stay-at-home dads who fail to live up to breadwinner stereotype” Online: Dailymail UK, 2016, available at:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3710922/The-REAL-reason-modern-marriages-end-Women-likely-divorce-stay-home-dads-fail-live-breadwinner-stereotype.html#ixzz4N5sdE55A
[16] “Men who earn less than their women are more likely to cheat”, Cornell University, 2010, available at:
http://www.news.cornell.edu/stories/2010/08/men-more-likely-cheat-higher-earning-women
[17] “The Downside of Being a Stay-At-Home Dad?” Online: Huffington Post, 2012, available at:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/do-stayathome-dads-cheat_b_1859860.html
[18] “Is Feminism Destroying the Institution of Marriage?” Online: Telegraph UK, Online, 2015, available at:
[19] Ibid.
[20] “Why being a stay at home dad is the quickest way to kill your sex life (and can even lead wives to stray)” Online: Dailymail UK, 2012, available at:
[21] “ Men are Obsolete” Online: Time, 2014, available at:
[22] Ibid.
[23] “The End of Men” Online: The Atlantic, 2010, available at:
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2010/07/the-end-of-men/308135/
[24] Ibid.
[25] “The Difference Between a Happy Marriage and Miserable One: Chores” Online: The Atlantic, 2013, available at: http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/03/the-difference-between-a-happy-marriage-and-miserable-one-chores/273615/
[26] “Want marriage to last? Share the housework: Report reveals couples who both do the chores are more likely to stay together” Online: Dailymail UK, 2014, available at:
[27] “Cleaning: The Final Feminist Frontier” Online: New Republic, 2013, available at: https://newrepublic.com/article/112693/112693
[28] “Is Feminism Destroying the Institution of Marriage?” Online: Telegraph UK, Online, 2015, available at:
[29] “Divorced, deceased parents linked to kids’ smoking and drinking” Online: CNN, 2016, available:
http://www.cnn.com/2016/10/10/health/absent-parents-blamed-for-kids-behavior-embargoed/
