I hope you have enjoyed my last entries on ‘Sex and the City’ and my 2011 NFL Fantasy picks, but now I feel it is time to get back to my roots, catch-up on the sports and pop culture doings of the last couple of months and pound out a late August quick hits entry.
Enjoy, and stay tuned on entries focusing on the un-funniest and funniest people in Hollywood, Karma in the Sports, and why we should not aspire to “be like Mike (Michael Jordan)”…
CHRIS JOHNSON’S HOLDOUT
From the outset I would like you to know that I am all for players holding out for a better paid day/more financial security in the NFL. Unlike the NBA which somehow guarantees lengthy contracts despite the far less likelihood of injury compared to hockey or football (which means the only reason a player doesn’t live up to their potential is if they got lazy or old quick/lost their abilities overnight), the NFL practically exploits their players by having almost bare bones rookie contracts (unless you are top first round pick), shorter deals on average, and allows teams to cut players whether or not the player has lived up to their potential and stop paying them on the spot (players do have guaranteed money but that money is rationed out at the top of the talent pool thinner then Vince Carter’s pain threshold).
That being said however, my sentiments and compassion for the average player do not transcend in the case of Chris Johnson. Why you ask? Well despite the fact that he is underpaid due to the fact that he is still relatively new to the NFL, his team has already offered to compensate him for his talents by making him the highest paid running back in the entire league, yet inexplicably this is not good enough for Mr. Johnson. This is made all the more perplexing given the fact that Johnson, while near the top, is not a leader or close to it in any major running back benchmark.
Chris Johnson Rushing, 2010 Season
Total NFL Rank
Yards 1,364 4th
Rushes 316 6th
TD 11 T-6th
YPG 85.3 7th
Yds per rush 4.3 19th
After examining the numbers it is pretty clear that not only should Johnson be elated to be getting a contract like the one he has been offered, but if he truly wants to be paid like a “top-playmaker” he has a lot of work to do in terms of his on-field performance. My advice therefore to Mr. Johnson is to take the top running back deal, be happy that you even got that, step your game up, inspire your team into a couple of more wins and maybe, just maybe you’ll get the deal you’re looking for.
STEVIE WILLIAMS
A couple of weeks ago when Tiger Woods’ fired his caddie of 12 years or so because Tiger felt it was time for a change, many in the sports world felt bad for his caddie Stevie Williams and also felt that Williams was being made a scapegoat for Woods’ chronically stinky performances of late. However, when Williams caddied for the winner of the 2011 WGC-Bridgestone Invitational Adam Scott a couple of weeks later, he was predictably thrust into the spotlight with seemingly endless questions about how good it felt to be in the winner’s circle after getting dumped by Woods and if he felt there was some kind of karmic retribution for what happened. The aftermath of this was that the majority of sports journalists (who still have deep ties and fondness for Woods), felt that Williams was overstepping his bounds and that as a caddie he had no right to express his opinion, that he should not feel happy about proving that he was not the problem in the Woods-Williams duo (and thereby totally exposing and deflating Woods’ attempted scapegoat) and that somehow because he had made about 9 million dollars off Woods’ tour wins, that he should keep his mouth shut and be more grateful for all Woods’ did for him.
I am not one of those people.
I am of the opinion that Williams had every right to engrain in everyone’s mind that he not only was terminated by Woods’ without merit, that the manner in which did it was cowardly and weak given the amount of time they had spent together(i.e. over the telephone like he was getting dumped by one of the Jonas Brothers) and that his ability to help guide players and turn them into winners was intact. And while yes I will concede that he perhaps went a little overboard in terms of taking the spotlight off Scott’s victory, but exposing lies and fixing one’s reputation is worth a lot in any profession, even if you are “only” a golf caddie. Good Job Stevie Will.
JAMES HARRISON
Why of why does this blowhard still make headlines??!? Hasn’t the media realized that this guy is a total headcase and total media whore and will say and do anything for attention no matter how stupid. However, the worst thing about Harrison’s rants isn’t that people still take him seriously despite the ludicrous and desperate things he says, its that everytime he goes overboard with one of his rants, a couple of days later he comes back like a whiny dog with its tail between his legs, says he’s sorry and begs for forgiveness. Seriously for a guy who is 6 feet tall and 242 pounds Harrison really needs to grow some balls because I have no problem with someone shooting their mouth if they believe in something, but to do so and come back time and time again like a whiny little bitch and say you’re sorry is indefensible. My advice to Harrison is therefore to either a) grow some balls b) not shoot your mouth off c) find a less pathetic way to say you’re sorry or d) actually stick to your word for once, retire and the fuck out of the NFL because I am tired of hearing you act all big and bad and then cry like a girl. MAN UP HARRISON
Finally, to the media who cover this guy it is also time for you to man up and decide to either stop covering this guy and his tantrums or call him out for shooting his mouth off and then acting like a baby. MAN UP NFL MEDIA
RANDY MOSS RETIRES
They say when this come to an end, that they don’t go out with a bang but rather go out with a whimper. And in the case of Randy Moss’ this statement could not be a more accurate description of the man’s career.
When Randy came into the NFL, he exploded onto the scene and made sure that everyone, especially teams like my beloved Dallas Cowboys who passed on him, knew that he was a force to reckoned with and the best WR in the NFL. At least that’s how he started. However, after a few seasons into the NFL Randy seemed to not care anymore and aside from his brief resurgence with the Patriots, seemed to steadily decline as team after team got tired of his antics and he was bounced from team to team, until being bounced out of the league after no team would even pick him off the waiver wire in 2010 or sign him as a free agent in 2011 (and why would they after the bloodbaths he left in his last two stops in Minnesota and Tennasse). And in the end that was that, Randy Moss was gone and officially announced his retirement after no one wanted him on their roster.
His legacy? Well talent-wise he will still make the Hall of Fame and be one of the best receivers who ever played the WR position without question. As player however, his legacy is far more grave, and his lack of effort, bad attitude , inconsistency and overall lack of heart will have him go down as one of the worst teammates and headcases the NFL has ever known.
Last year while Randy was still putting up numbers I wrote an article which not only compared him to T.O. but illustrated exactly why T.O. was a much more valuable player and would leave a better legacy then Moss because of Moss’ mental state and effort. It is more true than ever It is enclosed here…
Mid- October Quick Hits: Randy Moss, Gilbert Arenas and Brett Favre how I loathe thee and thy selfish ways…
Ohh and while I was looking I found this article on Jerome Harrison I also wrote which is also more true than ever (half way down after the NBA FANTASY PREVIEW)…
FANTASY NBA PREVIEW…
NBA PLAYERS PLAYING OVERSEAS
I am so annoyed that this tired story keeps making the rotation and keeps popping up day after day now that the NBA work stoppage is in full swing. I should correct myself however, and change the word story to rampant speculation because that’s all it is given that no player of quality is ever going to play overseas no matter how long the lockout lasts. Do people really think that Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, Derrick Rose, Dwight Howard or even Lebron are really going to risk serious injury or damage to their careers to play in an unknown environment, where their competition is sketchy, the fans are sketchy and their method of payment/timely payments are also sketchy as fuck?? Never!! Not even Shaq would play under these chaotic conditions if it was a wheelchair league (which coincidently the only way anyone is going to get Shaq on the court for more then 25 minutes).
My proposal to the sports media is therefore this, you may broadcast variations of this tired story 24/7 on every sports outlet you like, you can come outside my house with a megaphone and shout that day’s player speculation for weeks on end, you can kick me in my nuts on the way out of my house in the morning and tell me about all the rumours of guys going overseas, you can essentially do whatever you want and blather on as much as you want IF…and I mean if…even ONE top 15 NBA player signs overseas.
Until then please shut up and move on to a real sports related story.
JETER’s 3000th HIT
I have no idea how this was even news worthy and followed for weeks on end. The all-time hits leader Pete Rose, who still mysterious is not in the Hall of Fame, despite the Commissioner rolling out the red carpet to all the roided up players who inflated stats for decades, has 4256 hits and thus 3000 hits is a totally insignificant and meaningless number in relation. I don’t even want to talk about this anymore, let me know when Jeter crosses 4150 hits.
OHIO STATE, THE UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI, USC…WHO IS NEXT TO FALL
Dear NCAA, how do you still not have a stipend which allows football programs to provide college athletes from disadvantaged backgrounds(or even advantaged backgrounds) a sum of money which is not even the tiniest of drop in the Hoover Dam sized bucket in terms of money these programs rake in off the backs of their slaves student athletes?? How many programs are going to have to go through these pathetic scandals and programs will you let be destroyed until you wake up and realize that the only way to fix the problems you have in your system is to offer players a nominal stipend to keep them away from taking payoffs??
I know it is only a matter of time before the NCAA wakes the hell up and adopts the stipend system, but to have to hear about big-time program after big time program being ‘exposed’ after they win National Championships, the money is safe and secure and their players are already in the NFL and/or out of their control is annoying as fuck.
Please NCAA wake up and fix this now before you give the guys on PTI a heart attack and/or another heart attack in some cases.
DAP OF THE WEEK(MONTH)-EAGLES
While some teams did not do much once the NFL resumed and they were let of the free agency leash, others like the Philadelphia Eagles did. While I hate giving the Eagles any sort of dap due to them being in the same division as my beloved Cowboys, the Eagles did so much across the board, and did it so well, that they not only filled the holes they had, but made them points of strength (like Bart said in the episode where Homer joins the Robot Fighting League, “their weakness is now their strongest point”). From Jenkins, to Ronnie Brown to the last minute theft signing of Nmandi Asomugha I was left scratching my head wondering how a team with so many weapons and with the new hard salary cap, were able to sign so many studs at so many different positions? The answer is a mix of guys leaving money on the table, explosive weapons still under rookie contracts (i.e. DeSean Jackson) and Eagles management do great work in (establishing flexible and favorable contracts all along their roster) and out (selling players on the idea that Philadelphia with Vick at the helm is the place to be)of the executive offices.
I will conclude this point by stating, that while I do not think the Eagles will win the Superbowl or even Rep the NFC (because Vick is still way to erratic, has look terrible in preseason and it is still my firm contention that a team based around a “mobile” quarterback can never win a Superbowl), they have put themselves in a position to win a bunch of ballgames, and be both headlines and highlight worthy all-season. Dap
DOUCHE OF THE WEEK(MONTH)-THE FAMILY BLACK SHEEP
I would like to now step away from the sporting world, and talk about something that in my opinion does not garner nearly as much attention as it should, yet is as annoying and burdensome as many of the other problems many of us face on a regular basis, the family black sheep.
Throughout human history from Charles Adams (son of President John Adams) to Pauline Bonaparte (sister of Napoleon Bonaparte) to Louis Phillipe of France (brother of Louis the XIV) to the Bush twins, history is full of embarrassments and disappointments family’s have shamefully have had to endure. However, it is my contention that these mortifying individuals actually come in two groups each of which should actually deserve different amounts of hate and disgust from one’s family.
The first group are what I like to call the well-intentioned, but poor performing black sheep. These type of sheep are those that which to achieve the level of fame and success as the other member(s) of their family, but sadly due to a lack of talent, intelligence and/or charisma end up falling far short. Prominent examples of these types of black sheep are Frank Stallone, LaToya Jackson, Roger Clinton, any Baldwin not named Alec etc. However, because it is tough to follow in the large footsteps of the one talented and trailblazing sibling, we forgive these well meaning goofs for their desperate and embarrassing gafs because they do not intentionally set out to make themselves or their accomplished family members look stupid.
The other group/classification however is much worse and what I like to call the annoying and parasitic black sheep. These types of black sheep are the type that have looked at the enormous shadow that their one successful sibling and/or other well performing family members have cast, realized that they themselves are bitter, talentless and probably too ugly as fuck to do anything for themselves and have set upon creating havoc and destroying any good name, respect or happiness their parents or other members of their family have achieved for themselves because they figured if I’m lonely, bitter and unhappy maybe I can do the easy and malicious thing and make everyone else around me and/or connected to me too. This type of person really is pathetic and weak, and while you wish to ignore them and just let them just destroy themselves on their own, you can’t help but cast your thoughts on them because of the harm they are doing to your family as a whole or the epicenter of harm they create for their immediate family (you know if this person is a cousin or something and not connected to you directly). And while you might wish to lash out at them, put them in their place and/or take them out back and whoop them until they get some sense about them, this type of parasite often has a safety net which often manifests itself as a very kind aunt, uncle or some other kindhearted family member who already has the burden of dealing with this monstrosity day-to-day that you do not wish to make things harder for them by dealing with a now whinny and beatdown parasitic black sheep. It is a Catch 22 in every possible way.
So what’s the solution??
Well the solution to deal with these parasitic black sheep or Rosies as I like to call them(because they are just as fat and annoying as Rosie O’Donnell, but often because they are so desperate for attention they will claim to be gay or pull some other hail mary stunt when no other attention grasping mechanism works for them. Not that their is anything wrong with being gay, but their is something very wrong about faking being gay just for attention) is not an easy one. It involves getting every member of your family together who is tired and/or aware of their desperate and pathetic antics, have a frank and rationale discussion on what to do about Rosie, and then encircle the parasite when their safety net is not looking and tell them flat out what a disgrace they are, that they best change ASAP even for their own good cause you can only be lonely and bitter for so long, and then collectively shun them until they implement some positive steps to prove to the family that they are even worthy of being part of said family.
Therefore it is not enough for those in a family to sit back and watch a Rosie destroy themselves or those closest to them and pray for a miracle that the fat lonely Rosie one day change, no as a family they must collectively stand up, say enough is enough and take progressive steps like the ones I have outlined that are forceful and really get through to the black sheep because like the old adage goes, “you can sheer a sheep many times, but skin them only once.”
I wish all of you well in dispelling with your Rosie’s once and for all.
P.S. sorry for all the spelling and grammer mistakes but I have a job, responsibilities and a life, I don’t have all the time in the World to endlessly edit. 
