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NY JETS v. Denver (13-17)

Well it looks like Jesus is a football fan, that or Mark Sanchez is an unreliable-playoffs only (if and when they get there) QB. For whatever reason I tend to believe the latter, given that Mark Sanchez looks brutal this season and the way he was throwing the ball Thursday night would make my little sister jealous (N.B. I don’t have a sister). But seriously I hate to go against the pro-Tebow, religious fanatics who are all about this guy, but things have a way of starting hot, and then ending badly in Denver. Does anyone remember Josh McDaniels? Brandon Marshall?? Jay Cutler??? My advice on this whole Tebow thing is to take a book from the page of Parcells and put away the anointing oils until he has played at least 24 games, that or gets his completion percentage above 58%.

On a final note I would just like to say that I throw up in my mouth a little bit every time I think about the the way the religiousness of Tebow is being played out for hype and profit. The man’s religion and beliefs make him no more a better QB then the next, so I think his faith needs to stop being pimped. When Thursday Night Football closed with him on his knees in a prayer circle I threw up in my mouth a lot.

Jacksonville v. Cleveland (10-14)

Yes, thank you Jacksonville for not being able to score from the goaline in 4 tries. Your pathetic play won me 25 bucks. And thank you Peyton Hillis for showing all of us that vaginal rejuvenation surgery is a slow and painful process.

Carolina v. Detroit (35-49)

Alright Cam Newton you are officially starting to piss me off. Not only is your over-hype machine almost as bad as Tebow’s (at least he wins), but you insist on doing the superman every time you score a touchdown despite the  fact that you find new and creative ways to blow games every week???!? Please take a lesson from Nate Burleson (and his fantastic TD celebration) and zip up that shirt until your team is above .500. Andy Dalton is far and away the rookie of the year this year, because unlike Newton throwing interceptions is not his Kryptonite. And you’re not even close to being Superman Newton, win three games in a row and then talk…ok there’s my snap ‘n rant of the day.

Tampa Bay v. Green Bay (26-35)

Green Bay won a squeaker here as Tampa Bay (predictably) collapsed at the end of a big game. Although I would put the closeness of this game (if a 9 point differential is close) more on Green Bay playing sub-par (for them at least), then TB playing well. Big game against Detroit coming up this week, but I suspect they win another close one.

Buffalo v. Miami (8-35)

I guess the Vegas bookies knew something I didn’t because everything pointed to a huge Buffalo loss in this one. Well everything except the fact that Ryan Fitzpatrick just got paid, and in the era of just-got-paid-itis, I guess this downturn in performance was to be expected (what it do Chris Johnson, Albert Haynesworth, Rashard Lewis, Jamarcus Russell, Roy Williams etc.). But to get thrashed this badly again, wow they must have been paying Fitz in Hope Diamonds. Miami plays Dallas in a big game on Thursday and I don’t know what to expect from the refuse-to-die-Zombie-coach Tony Sparano, but Dallas has been playing well and has the playmaker edge (with Miami having none except Yeremiah Bell on Defense), so I would have to give the nod to the Cowboys.

Oakland v. Minnesota (27-21)

Carson Palmer and the Raiders get a second straight win as they beat down the Vikings. Don’t be fooled by the score, this one was over quickly (and at -1 only I hope those of you who bet on the Raiders were happy). More bad news for the Vikings? They lost Adrian Peterson for perhaps the next month. Toby Gerhart you got the juice now.

Dallas v. Washington (27-24 OT)

This one had all the makings of a classic Dallas loss, riding a wave coming-in, had your fans excited again, your pass defense was solid for the last couple weeks, meaning a fall was to be expected on the horizon, you were the favorite…but no, Dallas refused to lose and won a much need game to pull them into the top spot in the NFC East. I was happy as a Cowboys fan, but if Gano’s 52 yard kick had been a little more to the right, the story would have been very different…or the same, I don’t know, but the Cowboys would have lost a game they should have won. Matt McBriar I put the closeness of this game on you, punting is supposed to be one of this team’s best traits, so step your game up playa.

Cincinnati v. Baltimore (24-31)

Predictable win for the Ravens even without Ray Lewis. Look I believe that Andy Dalton is an incredible talent, but until they win a game against a real opponent they will always be atop the list of pretender teams for me, well them and Atlanta.

Seattle v. St.Louis (24-7)

Wow, way to blow a winnable game at home St. Louis. In case you didn’t hear the Colts won the suck for Luck sweepstakes 3 weeks ago.

Arizona v. San Fran (7-23)

Fahhhhhhhhhh-Q why didn’t I bet this game. I must have totally overlooked it when I was going over the week 11 spreads. At home v.Arizona and their out of nowhere QB with no running game and even less defense???!????? I demand a full investigation into how I missed it because this was a cash cow waiting to get drained.

Tennessee v. Atlanta (16-23)

Exactly as predicted. Well at least according to Vegas given that the line on this one was -6.

San Diego v. Chicago (20-31)

Didn’t I tell you that Phillip Rivers and the Chargers looked terrible this season????????????? Didn’t I tell you this at 4-1???????????????? Look I might not know a lot of things but I know fantasy football, and when I have a player and he looks terrible I know that team is doomed (if he’s their key guy). So even when Rivers had the Chargers at 4-1 I knew it was only a matter of time before this team Enron-ed (hey look new word), and collapsed the hopes of their fans and the season. If this team misses the playoffs look for Norv Turner to join Jim Caldwell and Leslie Frazier on the employment line by the end of the season. Speaking of certainties, you can be sure that with Cutler being down and out in Beverly Hills with that thumb injury and gone for the season (most likely) that Bears will be hat in hand on Kyle Orton’s doorstep. He’s going to one of the Bears, KC or Houston…believe that.

Philly v. Giants (17-10)

Without Michael Vick, Jeremy Maclin and a good humoured Desean Jackson the Eagles managed to gut out a win against the Giants. Is this game surprising? Well yes and no. Yes because the Eagles were able to win without all those aforementioned factors, but no because the Giants have a (recent) history of blowing games later in the season despite their hot start. Here’s hoping my beloved Cowboys can cash in on said history and gut out the NFC East crown.

KC v. New England (3-34)

NO. SURPRISES. HERE. Anybody who bet on KC, to quote my favorite (albeit somewhat unfunny) cat Garfield, should be dragged into the street and shot (seriously how was this a catchphrase for children’s programming???).

Speaking of Garfield and his fantastic holiday specials of which I am reminded, HAPPY THANKSGIVING AND HOLIDAY SEASON TO ALL

PICKS

Bronze- Green Bay over Detroit (-6)- the spread’s a little higher than I thought after a somewhat luckluster performance against the Bucs, but GB should still cover

Silver- Dallas over Miami (-7)-If this turns into a high scoring game I don’t know where Miami gets the points from, unless its on defense.

Gold-New England over Philly (-3)- I have no idea how this spread is only at-3 even if Philly is at home and off a big win, but the Patriots should win this won and cover the spread too.

NFL WEEK 9 and 10 THOUGHTS AND WEEK 11 PICKS

My apologies for being MIA for the last couple of weeks but I was busy getting married. Due to time constraints and the fact that weeks 9 and 10 are probably a distant memory I will only cover select games over these periods (my apologies to anyone from Cleveland, Jacksonville, Buffalo, KC or Indy).

To the recaps….

Week 9

Seattle v. Dallas (13 v. 23)

Dallas climbed was back from the gutter (and brought someone with them-Simpsons Reference) as they beat up on the Seahawks at home to get back to .500. While this was a solid win for my beloved Cowboys, I am sorry to say the stink from the shilacking they took at the hands of the Eagles is still there as that loss was downright embarrassing.

Miami v. KC (31-3)

Easily the upset of the week. I know KC is one of my 4 all-time hype up teams and no one should ever have faith in them, but seriously to get beat down by Miami at home? Really? Pathetic. This loss was especially sour for me as I stupidly bet on KC. I really need to learn how to take my own advice.

Cleveland v. Houston (12-30)

Cleveland suuuucccks. Seriously. I don’t care that Indy is 0 and whatever, I have watched a few Cleveland games this year and they are the worst team in football. Peyton Hillis’ vaginal rejuvenation surgery cannot come soon enough and until it does, this team will remain crappy and heartless.

NY Giants v. New England (24-20)

Eli Manning must have a voodoo doll of Tom Brady and/or Bill Belichek in his house and must stick it day and night with needles. You would think that the Patriots who lost the single most defining SuperBowl any team has ever lost would be ready and go and take it to the Giants every time they played, even 50 years from now. But no, the Patriots allowed the Giants to hang around and AGAIN let Eli Manning steal the game from them in the closing seconds. This was a huge loss for the Patriots not only because of the reasons aforementioned, but it is significant because it was their first loss at home in 30 games and first back-to-back loss since I can remember. Game of the year for the Patriots next week.

Green Bay v. San Diego (45-38)

Big time shootout in a game featuring two of the NFL’s favorites, but of course at the end of it Phillip Rivers was just left with his dick in his hands. I have called out Phillip Rivers all season, stating that even though the Chargers had a good record (one time at 4-1) that this was all smoke and mirrors because his play was atrocious. And again what happens? Rivers might have had a good fantasy day, but he stunk it up on the field throwing picks at the absolute worst time. Rivers man up!!

Chic ago v. Philly (30 v. 24)

I cannot believe that a team that was 2 games under .500 was getting -9 against a team that two games over .500 that has solid defense, a super solid run game and the best special teams in all of football. I hope for your sake then, that you took this opportunity like I did and bet hard against the Eagles. I do not know how Andy Reid can be so dominant after bye weeks and so terrible in defining games season after season. I don’t know what’s wrong in Philly, but I am pissed that the Cowboys had to play them after their bye. Wait what am I saying of course I know what’s wrong in Philly…

-Vick is suffering for Chris Johnson Disease a.k.a. Got Paid Syndrome, and after the single best season of his life has gone back to the normal overrated Michael Vick we love and loathe, i.e. injury prone, questionable passing, worst time interceptions, not finishing in the red zone etc.

-Reid is the worst game manager in all of football and has been for a while

-Asante Samuel is still pissed at getting sent to the bottom of the corner pecking order and is taking it out on Philly by not playing anywhere close to his Pro-Bowl caliber days

-Nobody fears Nmandi Asomugha, and while he does have some picks a lot of big plays are being lit up on him

-for the 12 straight season (or more) the Eagles still don’t have a power rusher who they can rely on in crucial situations.

-Their passrushers while playing good are not playing anywhere near the pre-season expectations

-Ronnie Brown is a moron

WEEK 10

Oakland v. San Diego (24 – 17)

And the smoke and mirror show continues in San Diego, although now its more like the Wizard of Oz and the whole flawed system has been exposed. Rivers is a shell of the QB he has been the last few seasons and had 2 picks a fumble and six sacks in this game. Ouch, no team can win with that kind of performance. The AFC West is up for grabs but no team seems to want it..its like the Deena (Jersey Shore), Courtney Love or Tara Reid of the NFL.

Pittsburg v. Cincy (24-17)

Nice bounce back for the Steelers, although I do not know how this game was this competitive. Either the Steelers are still in some kind of SuperBowl hangover this season, or the Bengals are for real. I shudder to think it’s the latter and even though the Bengals have quietly assembled a good record and Andy Dalton who to this point is the Anti-Cam Newton (i.e. not flashy but gets the job done) I still would not bet on them beating them beating any quality team week to week. They have some tools, but are a ways away from being elite.

Buffalo v. Dallas (7-44)

Ok maybbbbbbbbe the stink is starting to fade off them a little since that Philly loss, but only a little. I hope they keep piling up the wins against these beatable teams, but I want to see one season defining win against  a real opponent before I get my hopes up again (the Giants would be an excellent place to start). Can the Cowboys win the NFC East? I don’t know, but in the coming weeks I’m gonna find out (yes, yes I know I use that Rounders quote way too much). In sum there is plenty to feel good about if you are a Cowboys fan, Romo healthy and not making bone-headed plays, WRs stepping up even with Miles Austin out, Demarcus Ware remains a beast as does Jason Witten and DeMarrco Murray looks super solid and is putting up some eye popping numbers (knock-wood). My chiefs concerns is the secondary, as I still have no confidence in it…and of course Felix Jones needs to be given his walking papers ASAP.

Washington v. Miami (9 v. 20)

Did Miami just win a game at home???!!??? Did Miami just win two in a row????!??????? Bet hard against them in their next game.

Baltimore v. Seattle (17 v. 22)

In the upset of the week the Ravens lose a cupcake game a week after beating the Steelers for the second time this season! WTF Ravens? After you beat the Steelers last week people pre-maturely ejaculated and called you the most complete team in the AFC and this is how you repay them?? For shame.  And while I was never one of these people due to Flacco’s questionable throws this year, if you are a Ravens fan or tolerate them because your girl likes Michael Oher because of the blindside (like me), you had better hope they find a way to fix Flacco before seasons’ end because their window closes this year, or next at the latest.

Detroit v. Chicago (13- 37)

Detroit What? At this point it should be more like Detroit Who, because their stock is faling faster then Netflix and RIM…although I probably shouldn’t laugh at that.

New England v. NY Jets (37-16)

If you have watched the Patriots for any extended period over the last decade you knew this was coming. No way does this team lose 3 in a row no matter how bad their defense is and no way do they lose a meaningful game that is not in the playoffs. I hope you bet and cleaned up on this game like I did, because anyone who actually thought that betting the Jets as favorite should have their head examined and be relieved of their money post haste anyway.

Minnesota v. Green Bay (7 v. 45)

Ouch!

WEEK 11 PICKS

OK There are some juicy lines out there this week so let me get right to the picks…

GOLD PICK- Buffalo v. Miami (+1 Buffalo)

This is maybe the lock of the season after, the Patriots line last week. Miami might have won 2 in a row but they are a terrible team, and a terrible home team, playing a desperate and much better Buffalo team looking to get back on track with a vengeance.

SILVER PICK- Oakland v. Minnesota (-1 Oakland)

I have no idea how in the world Oakland is only favored by 1. Minnesota just showed how crappy they really are, and the Raiders, now that Palmer has settled in are poised to make a run in the AFC West. I know it’s a situation where one team is coming off a brutal loss and one an amazing win so maybe handicappers think the teams are closer, but they are not. Oakland should (knock-wood) take this game no problem.

BRONZE PICK-St. Louis v. Seattle (-1 St. Louis)

I know the Seahawks upset the Ravens and have a better record than the Rams, but Seattle has only one game on the road this season (against the Giants). And even though that win was big, Seattle has had much trouble historically playing outside of Seattle. On top of that Bradford is back, seems to have solid chemistry with Brandon Lloyd and Steven Jackson is playing his brains out even though he’s on a bad team . So even though both teams are bad, St. Louis is at home, has more playmakers and should be able to win this game.

BONUS PICKS

Detroit v. Carolina (-7 Detroit), Jets v. Broncos (-6 Jets), Jacksonville v. Cleveland (-1 Cleveland)