HUNDYSPOT.COM

After another not-so-great outing at the local ‘sino I found myself rightfully angry with myself for making the same bone-headed blunders I swore I would never make again. These blunders however, are not what you think, as they have they have nothing to do with how I play my hands at the table. Rather these mistakes are violations of basic tenets I have crafted for myself about how I should comport myself within the environment of the casino.

After having been playing since I was 18, and despite the fact that I still consider myself “up” in the long-run (due to some major luck at the Caribbean stud table..I have luckily won  all the prizes save the Royal Flush), these rules have been crafted from years of pain. I hope that you will take these lessons to heart as I hope to now that they are somewhat codified..

Enjoy and PLEASE GAME RESPONSIBLY

THE RULES

1. NEVER PLAY AT A TABLE WITH A GIRL DEALER- NEVER EVER EVER, it is not just that I have some superstition against girl dealers, but there is also real science/logic behind why you shouldn’t. Girl dealers attract low-lifes, drunks and basically people who don’t know how to play and just want to run their mouths and try to run some lame-ass game rather than follow basic strategy or basic common sense. So in sum, if she’s got chips, she ain’t paying out chips. STAY AWAY.

1. IF THE TABLE HAS BAD ENERGY OR YOU ARE NOT FEELING IT, LEAVE TABLE- never listen to people who say each hand is independent or that there is no higher power at work at the gaming table. These people are wrong and if you look at their stacks have done in the long-run following the atheist approach to gambling you will see that I’m right. Just like sports energy and momentum is everything, so if the table is packed with douche bags, or everyone is expecting to lose or people are pissed off, do yourself a favour and get up and move to another table. Unlike your spouse you are not married to any table and should feel free to leave at anytime. Casino’s get you by getting you to stay when you don’t want  to be there, so get up and walk at any time.

1. AS SOON AS SOMEONE MAKES A BONEHEAD MOVE, LEAVE TABLE- I cannot underscore this enough, if a player makes a stupid head scratching call like hitting a13 or higher against a bust-card, splitting tens, splitting 5s, doubling 12 against 6s (YES I HAVE SEEN ALL OF THESE>>>AND MORE!!! L) do yourself a favor and get yourself the fuck out of there as fast as possible. Yes I can even concede to even the atheist of gambling that the cards are independent (well actually I don’t agree with this, fuck that every card counts), over time these bad plays add up and they will only increasingly happen when you need them to happen the least (i.e. when you’ve got 20s and/or the dealer has 5 or 6 and you get dirtied by that guys’ stupidity.

1. NEVER CUT THE DECK- Best case scenario is the deck will go well, but more likely is it will go bad and you will spend the entire shoe feeling guilty and have to weather storm of bad looks and comments like “who cut that shoe” from other players.  Plus for whatever reason I just have had bad luck with it, its like putting your hands on a conference trophy, it jinxes you or something.

1. NEVER PLAY AT A SUSPICIOUSLY EMPTY TABLE- I know how it is even though the casino is packed and you and your friends are desperately looking for a table and you see one empty in the distance, inviting you…but still you must not go. Because just like an oasis in the barren chaos, it will most likely turn out to be a mirage. Ok enough with the metaphors, that table is empty for a reason, the dealer most likely just got through pounding everyone’s dick in and the cards are still messed. STAY AWAY.

1. ALWAYS TIP THE DRINK GIRL- its just Karma. The gambling Gods will not reward you with good cards if you can’t spare a 50 cent piece or a buck to the poor person who has to hump the drink-cart.

1. ALWAYS TIP THE DEALER IF ITS GOING GOOD- cards can change in an instant, you need all the positive energy you can get, even if its from the guy handling the cards. So if its going good tip, again its Karma, but a lot of times unless he’s a dick the dealer will pull for you because like you he’s also working for the man (and more likely than not you are too). So if he rewards you, you do the same..its just good business.

1. IF YOU’RE DOWN AND MIRACULOUSLY RALLY BACK TO EVEN, LEAVE GAMING HOUSE- we’ve all been there, down a ton after a bad night, but than suddenly the cards turn and you go on a hot run packed with splits that can’t miss and double downs that turn into 21s. You get back to even on the night, and think “how much further can I push this?” Well the simple answer is don’t. If the gambling Gods were merciful enough to let you get back to even, or even plus your food and drink expenses on the night, take it as a sign of their good will and get the hell outta there.  If you push it its like spitting in their face with your ungracious saliva and the last thing the Gambling Gods is to be spat at.

1. DON’T KEEP THE UP-BET UP-ED AFTER A PUSH- while I always advise to play with the same denominations, occationally after your 17 beats the dealer hand that was showing the 10 you might feel frisky and wanna up your bet by 5or ten dollars. And while there’s nothing wrong with that, if you are dealt a hand that pushes against a deal (20 and the deal get 20) or a painful push against a deal (you’ve got 19 and the dealer works his 6 into a 19), IMMEDIATELY LOWER YOUR BET BACK!!!! I have been gambling since I was 18 (so about 13 years now) and I have never seen a victory come after this kind of push. Be smart and do the Paul Pierce step back and fire away only with your previous regular bet.

1. 10.   FOLLOW BASIC STRATEGY TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY- Basic strategy is what it is, it’s the mathematically best way to play the percentages at blackjack developed by a bunch of nerds at M.I.T long ago. And while I like to play with feel in terms of my environment and the way I bet sometimes, it’s important to still put yourself in the best position to win, which is of course by following the numbers…and of course who knows the numbers better than a bunch of M.I.T. nerds. So do yourself a favour and memorize basic strategy or failing that get a little chart to prop down next to you or don’t be afraid to ask the dealer to ask the pit-boss to check his chart, they are there standing around getting paid so they might as well be good for something. HOWEVER, even if you don’t wish to follow-basic strategy to the tee on the toss up hands(I myself have the fatal flaw of not remembering whether to hit the 12 against three or the 13 against the two…don’t try and tell me it is just something I will never know…please), the key is playing consistently, so if you never hit that particular hand, just remember to never hit it ever. EVER!!!

1. 11.   NEVER COUNT YOUR MONEY/WINNINGS WHILE PLAYING- to do this is akin to laughing at the gambling goods for all the money you have stolen from them. If you must count do so while the cards are being changed or you are on a break, but never at the table. If you do decide to do it anyway, you will be brought back to Earth and quickly have no chips to count. That is a sad quick count indeed.

1. 12.   NEVER PLAY WITH A TIME CRUNCH- Not only is this true if you are supposed to be somewhere or meeting someone in the near future, but is ESPECIALLY TRUE if someone like your spouse or girlfriend is waiting for you in the Casino. If you are playing with a looming deadline or forcing your significant other  to have to wait longer, you will only become frantic and make erratic moves you would otherwise not make. And as bad as the negative consequences that come from frantic play are, they pale in comparison to the bad karma you bring in but trying to eek out a couple of extra hands despite your pre-determined commitments, or worse pissing off your loved ones. As such take a tip, if you have some place to be in the near future and/or someone is waiting on you, cut your play take a minute to grab a drink (or grab them a drink) and leave early.

1. 13.   NEVER PLAY ON PACKED NIGHT- This one is easier said then done especially when you have made plans and gotten dressed up for a night at the casino. Who wants to go all the way there, get food, watch everyone play and then not play yourself right? However, as tough as it is resist the urge as packed nights (usually Friday and Saturday) means higher table minimums and longer waits for games you want which causes you to want to stay at the table even if its not going good. My advice therefore is that if it’s a packed nights, take in the sights, grab some drinks, grab some food and only gamble with smaller amounts at games that aren’t usually so packed and your money lasts longer (i.e. Paigow).

1. 14.   NEVER TRY AND GAME AT THE END OF A NIGHT OUT- I know its tempting, the bar is closing, your still having a great time ballin’ out with your friends, you want the night to keep going and you figure, “hey the Casino is open 24hrs?” BAD IDEA. If you want the night to keep going, grab some food, find an after hours spot, go back to your friend’s house…hell even ringing doorbells is a more constructive activity then attempting to end a night out on a good note with the Casino. I have done this more times than I can remember and it has only worked out once (on a New Years’ a couple years back). ONCE. I don’t know what it is that makes the nights end badly at the Casino, but it never works out. Oh wait, I know exactly why it doesn’t work out….

1. 15.   NEVER PLAY WHILE INTOXICATED- I may not know much in this life, but if I know one thing for absolute certainty it is that ALCOHOL AND GAMBLING DO NOT MIX. And I am not even talking about games like poker that require your constant attention and your ability to hide your emotions, even in games like black jack when all you are doing is following basic strategy while playing (or at least you should be), your play is significantly compromised. Why you ask? Well with alcohol lowering your inhabitions you will find yourself wildly changing your bets, staying at crappy tables with bad players and even winding up at tables with, gulp, girl dealers. So do yourself a favor if you are hammered stick to the bar or hand your wallet off to someone else and watch them play…or pull an Iverson and urinate in a trash can. Believe me,  you and your wallet will thank me.

1. 16.   EAT!!!!- One of the worst things you can do as a player is gamble on an empty stomach because not only will you become tired, but you’ll become agitated, impatient and start playing more aggressively than you would otherwise. My advice is that you if you start to feel that hunger coming on, take a break when the cards start to cool a bit and head to the buffet or restaurant and eat hearty (not too hearty cause the last thing you want is to feel slow when important calls need to be made at the table).

1. 17.   BEWARE THE COOLER!- We’ve all been there, the table is going well, everyone is happy, winning and there is enough energy at the table to power Vegas (or at least a small fan) for two days. And then it happens, your dealer who is paying off like crazy gets that icy tap on his shoulder. When the dealer change occurs one of two things happens, the dealer will either burn one card or continue to deal the deck as is, but either way THE CARDS CHANGE!! Don’t ask me where the logic is with respect to the latter, but it happens (either because people play differently out of fear with the dealer or the icy dealer somehow manages to freeze time and change all the cards in the shoe). My advice therefore, is don’t necessary leave when the new dealer arrives, but play ultra conservative (i.e. don’t up your bet) and watch what happens. If it gets frosty in hurry grab your chips, wish everyone at the table luck, give a stern fist shake to the dealer and get the hell out of dodge.

1. 18.   KNOW WHEN ITS YOUR NIGHT AND WHEN IT IS NOT- Really this rule should have been number one because if you can understand it and have the discipline to understand it you will save yourself a lot of pain and a lot of coin. Why? Well if you are anything like me you will know within the first 5-7 hands if you are going to be up on the night. If those hands go well, you are in for a good night. If however they go bad and you find yourself getting beaten on winning hands and/or the dealer is a picaso when it comes to turning 6s into 21s (the ol’ 6,5,5,5 is the worst), then do the smart thing and bet small for the rest of the night, or better yet chalk it up to being a bad night. Trust me it is better to quit while you’re ahead, then making repeated trips to your wallet and/or the bank machine and losing badly (and yes I meant to write that, leaving down only a little is ahead compared to being down much more). In sum, knowing when to hold them and knowing when to fold them, is not just applicable to the cards in your hand, but rather some nights on the whole.

1. 19.   ASK PERMISSION BEFORE JUMPING ONTO A HOT TABLE- If you are looking for a spot to play and you see a table having a good time and winning large DO NOT just jump in because there’s an empty seat. Respect the game and respect the other players at the table. If the shoe is beefy, ask the players if it is ok that you join, this will not only maintain the good vibes at the table, but will not make you feel bad should the cards take a turn for the worse. If the shoe is almost done, don’t’ even ask, just let the players who are a run play on and wait for the next shoe to enter in. In sum, the gambling gods will appreciate your courtesy, Karma will be on your side and the players at the table will appreciate you. Running afoul of all three of these will result in a greed laced downward spiral and certain doom.

1. 20.   BEWARE OF JUMPERS- Unfortunately not everyone follows rule 19, so you have to keep your guard up for people looking to get in quick and ride your table’s coat tails. And sometimes there is no harm in this, but if this quick entrants, turn into quick exitors after winning  a hand or two there could be problems. Cards change and nothing changes cards quicker then people jumping in playing a one or two hands and bouncing out. As such, unless you play at a table which protects against mid-shoe entries (and usually this is reserved for high stakes tables) you have must keep a constant vigil on not only what’s in front of you, but what’s behind you as well (a difficult task, but no one said gambling was easy). As such I would recommend keeping an eye on all those who troll around your table, especially the high school/university kids thrilled to win 20 dollars, and keep your guard up. If they suddenly pop in and you can tell they are holding a light stack and/or goof-offs who likely don’t know how to play you can either ask them to please wait a few hands or just sit out and wait for them to leave. Worst case scenario they will win or lose 20-40 dollars and be on their way.

1. 21.   WASH YOUR HANDS- What do you get when you mix the excitement of gambling, free drinks at the table, biological needs and people with questionable hygene practices together? You get urine soaked chips. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen dudes rushing out of the bathroom after they take a  piss at the Casino without washing there hands. It’s like the bathroom is on fire and they cannot take a second to douse themselves with some hot water and soap. It is downright nasty, no other way to put it. To help alleviate this problem, which is certainly a health hazard if you mulitiple all the trips to the bathroom by the number of times your chips have changed hands, Casino’s have even started installing Purell stations but still people blow past these like yellow lights. I have no idea what is causing to check their hygene at the door, but please people WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS!! And if you watch someone leave the bathroom without doing so (at the Casino or otherwise) chase these people out of the bathroom and exclaim for all to hear that “THIS SICKO DID NOT WASH HIS DAMN HANDS!!!!” Shame is a terrific motivator, maybe even the best.

1. 22.   SPREAD THE WEALTH- When you win a big hand in some statisiscally against the way manner, do yourself a favor and spread some of these winnings around. And while I am not advocating do things and day to day hands, but if you say, hit a big jackpot, win a big prize at Carribean stud (4 of a kind or higher), make some crazy coin at let it ride poker etc. , show your gratitude by helping out the less fortunate around (and in so doing paying tribute to the gambling gods). And while you might be one of those people who thinks its an empty gesture, I can assure you that you are mistaken. For example, when I hit a four of kind in Caribbean Stud a couple of years ago I got paid about 1000 dollars. Of that thousand I paid 25 dollars to each of my fellow players. By doing this I was not only paying it forward, but showing my gratitude for such a fortuitous event. Last year my luck at Carribean Stud continue  straight flush about a year ago in Caribbean Stud it paid out about 7700 dollars and I immediately paid each of my players 50 dollars a piece. Were the two events 100% connected, probably not, but it felt good too do it, and like most things in life Karma probably had a big hand in it. Furthermore, last week I was beside a guy who hit 3 7s of the same suit in blackjack which paid him a cool 5Gs and you know what happened? He immediately paid everyone at the table 50 bucks each. What goes around comes around..one way or another. And while the doubters doubt I promise you Karma is a more surer law than gravity…especially at the gaming house.

1. 23.   DON’T BE AFRAID TO TELL A MORON THEY ARE PLAYING BADLY- While this point may seem to go against everything I have peppered I this entry about Karma, it actually really doesn’t. At least this is the way I figure it because in a way calling someone out and telling them they are making terrible play is actually a benevolent act in the long run. How you say? Well by cluing this current moron onto the fact that they are playing moronically, you are hopefully saving said moron from losing many of his moronic dollars in the future. Furthermore, speaking up against stupidity will also help save the rest of your table from a dude whose play is costing them money as well and help them to confront someone they might not be able to themselves. Its like being a modern day Rosa Parks or the white girl from the Help who writes that book, because stupidity no matter its form must be boldly confronted head on.

1. 24.   PLAY GAMES YOU KNOW (OR AT THE VERY LEAST AREN”T AFRAID TO ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT)- Occasionally you will see a group of people laughing, having a great time, winning big stacks and think, “wow that looks like fun.” But before you do make sure you are at least somewhat familiar with how the game works  before you do. I know this make seem like an obvious thing to preach but I remember there are times when I have seen people think Aces are low and muck their hands (poker), forfeit their winnings because they did not place their cards in the appropriate places (paigow), bust on hands they should not have hit (black jack) and attempt to play because a group of Asian were betting their life savings on and it seemed like a sure thing to join in (Bakarat). In sum then, please save yourself some coin and only play games you at least have a working knowledge of. However if you are deadest on trying something new without how to play, at least make sure you are comfortable enough to ask the dealer how to play then hand. I myself still ask the dealer what the house way is in Paigow (although I often play against said house way).

1. 25.   REMEMBER IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN- I know when you’re getting pissed at dealers, losing it on fellow players, trying to avoid contracting E-bola in the bathroom and getting dirtied on hands you are supposed to  win that’s it hard to remember what going to the casino is all about, having fun. Its not about making money, well at least serious money, because if you want to do that there are wayyy easier and surer ways to do that (buying APPLE, GOOGLE and then selling them every time they go up 10% is an example). Unless you are a person who considers gambling their profession AND are consistently good at it (this second aspect is often overlooked), there is no reason for you to be betting huge sums of money and/or getting super pissed when you lose. As such if you are going to the Casino consider it a night out playing fun and engaging activities, no your limits  and stop when it stops being fun and/or you have reach your limits. That’s it. That’s what gambling should be about. If you can do that I promise you will have nothing but positive memories about your gambling experiences….until of course some moron decides to double down his 12 against a six and pulls the dealer’s break card. Then it’s on!!

BONUS RULE- NEVER PLAY WITH WINNINGS-  Say you start one day with 200 and turn that 200 into 400. Whatever you do DO NOT start your next casino adventure with 400!!!! Instead throw that two hundred into the bank, buy stock, buy your girl something nice or even burn it for warmth, but never ever play with money you consider “winnings” as it will only compromise your judgment, cause you to play in spots you do not want to and be the catalyst that causes you to lose the entire amount of money (in this case 200 start and 200 profit). I therefore emplore with every fibre of my being not to play with so-called winnings as losing it is a mathematical and universal certainty.

See You At the Tables…..