Many of my readers have asked repeatedly for it, so here it is without delay. Obviously I doubt I will hit on all of them, but I heard as gambler you are doing well if you can hit at over 54%, I feel confident I will hit on at least 70% of the following…
Enjoy..AND PLEASE REMEMBER THAT THIS ENTRY IS CONSTRUED FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!! IT IS MEANT TO BE HUMOURS AND A SATIRICAL TAKE ON PRESENT SOCIETY!!!
THINGS THAT WILL COME TO PASS AFTER JUNE 14, 2012
-Although I missed out on the initial Apple gravy train, Apple will hit $1000.00 dollars a share in the near future. With the iPhone 5 dropping soon, kids going back to school, Blackberry in turmoil, the launch of a new iPad things look gravy for Apple so buy ASAP and don’t be irked by the day-to-day swings. The next two quarters should be large for Apple.
-Buy up all the Liquor Stocks you can. I have watch the market for the last year and can tell you that one of the most resilient assets to hold or liquor stocks like Diego and Budweiser (DEO and BUD). Although the market is rollercoastering what do people need in good time and bad? ALCOHOL. Somebody will always be celebrating or drinking there sorrows away, either way you’re a winner.
-With the baby-boomers getting up there, the only safer bet then them watching the news 24/7 is them needing more pharmaceutical drugs. So be smart and grab some Pfizer, Johnson and Johnson and Proctor and Gamble while you can.
-If you can get Lionsgate stock (the film company) anywhere in the 11 dollar range buy it a shit load of it and hold it until the conclusion of this Hunger Games craze.
-GOOGLE!! Now initially I had Google outperforming APPLE and reaching $1000.00 a share first, however a couple of things have since irked my confidence. Google’s odd proposed stock-split, its suspect diversification into things like self-driving cars (which could be a big hit, I know I will buy one), increased competition from Apple with respect to its navigation programs, increased competition from Yahoo with Yahoo’s picture based search engines and the increasingly difficult task of managing advertisements on mobile devices (a problem for Google since the majority of its revenue comes from ads), are all reasons to be weary of Google. None the less, in an information age where the internet is everything and Google (for the time being at least) is the internet, feel confident that Google will hit $800.00 a share at some point in the medium future. If you want to be smart wait for the proposed split and then buy it up like a biscuit in a bowl full of Gofer gravy.
-Lindsay Lohan’s death is on the horizon. I feel bad because the girl has talent, but way too many factors are working against her (i.e. jail, drug and alcohol abuse problems, bad parents, the press stalking her relentless, questionable finances, the shame of being relegated to do life time etc.) and so it is only a matter of time. I don’t know how what the ramifications are with respect to this latest Porsche crashing incident, but you can believe they won’t be good. Also, WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING STILL GETTING BEHIND THE WHEEL OF ANY MOTOR VEHICLE???? You have a fucking assistant, let that schmuck drive!!!
-Tila Tequila’s death is also on the horizon, probably a lot sooner then Lohan’s
-Charlie Sheen will tragically die within the next 5 years.
-This will be a big year for Leonardo DiCaprio. Depending on how Gatsby goes he might win his long overdue Oscar this year.
-The film Rock of Ages will tank miserably.
-The film That’s My Boy will do well enough that Adam Sandler will continue to be allowed to make movies. God I hate the movie industry.
-The movie industry will wonder why receipts are down despite the fact that they have pumped out nothing but terrible un-funny comedies (see above), monotonous sequels and comic-franchise reboots.
-The flop of Jon Carter will only inspire movie studios to “stick to what works” and pump out the same old crap. GOD I HATE THE MOVIE INDUSTRY!!!!!!
-Taylor Lautner will come out as Gay
-Jason Derullo will come out as Gay
-Missy Elliot will come out as Gay/Lesbian
-Hugh Jackman will continue to live as a straight man despite being Gay
-Rhianna and Chris Brown will get back together (if they are not already)
-If the Miami Heat lose another NBA final, Erik Spolestra will be fired quicker then you can say Pat Riley
-If Miami loses again, expect at least one of the big three to be moved
-The only way the public forgives Lebron James and gets behind him again is if he somehow goes back to Cleveland
-Mike Brown will be fired as Lakers coach either after this season on next
-Larry Brown has a good chance of replacing Mike Brown as Lakers coach
-Phil Jackson will be named coach of the New York Knicks
-Amar’e Stoudamire will not last 2 more seasons with the Knicks
-Mikel Pokarvovs (sp?) of the New Jersey/Brooklyn Nets will be a spectacular failure as the Russian will soon lose complete interest in the venture.
-The Bulls roster as is will never compete for a championship despite their regular season runs. Either Derrick Rose will continue to disappoint come playoff time or they will need an established big man who can work the paint (both offensively and defensively).
-Dwight Howard has (mercifully) played his last season in Orlando
-Peyton Manning’s tenure in Denver will be largely disappointing
-The Jags will regret not landing Tim Tebow. Either that or it was there plan all along to get the hell out of Jacksonville.
-Adrian Peterson will be finished as a running back within 2 seasons.
-Terrel Owens will die under tragic circumstances. Feel bad for the guy, he had tremendous talent but could never hold it in check under the medias’ bear-baiting to find and keep a home in the NFL.
-Robert Griffen 3 will be a spectacular failing in the NFL
-The Patriots will beat the Tennesse Titans in Week 1. BET THE HOUSE ON IT
-The Dallas Cowboys will lose to the Giants in Week 1.
-The Patriots winning after a loss and Dallas losing any big game it needs to win shall continue to be the safest bets in sports unless Dallas’ secondary has a miraculous shift. Claiborne might be the spark.
-Despite losing in week 1 Dallas will go on to have a good season.
-The Toronto Maple Leafs sign Robert Luongo.
-Wilmer Valderamma will continue to score with chicks way out of his league and only cement his status as this generation’s Scott Baio
-Taylor Swift will finally get called out for her dubious relationships (see Taylor Lautner, John Mayer) and lose the fake victim status she accrued when Kanye West rushed the stage
-Taylor Swift will make an album about it that will sound the exact same as all of her albums and all of her songs.
-The Miss World, Miss America, Miss Universe or whatever else pagents that are run by Donald Trump will either be exposed as frauds or the scandal will force Donald Trump to give up ownership. Trump will be sad as he will lose control of something he truly covets, a breeding ground for potential mistresses.
-The next big trend in music will be producing songs that were meant to sound like they belong in the 80s.
-Bill Hader will be officially recognized at the funniest man alive (long overdue by the way)
-Dark Knight Rises will be a massive hit, but will miss the mark set by Dark Knight
-Megan Fox’s career is over.
-Brooklyn Decker will come to her senses and leave perennial loser Andy Roddick.
-The marriage of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban will not last.
-Serena Williams will lose her standing as sports media darling and she will become the most disliked athlete in professional sports.
-Tiger Woods will no more then one more major.
-Reality T.V. will undergo a tough phase due to the oversaturation of the medium (especially with this recent wave of knocks like the Choice, Glasshouse etc.). Even ratings heavyweight American Idol will continue to suffer. Score one for the Golden Age of television.
-Despite the re-vamp of Simon Cowell’s X-factor it will remain a disappointment.
-Despite the support of TBS ratings for Conan O’Brien’s talk show will continue to dwindle until he is embarrassingly cancelled.
-Jay Leno will remain the undisputed king of late-night (Ryan that one’s for you).
-David Stern will finally release his dubious grip on the NBA and finally resign under mounting pressure for his debacles.
-Someone will die as a result of an on ice injury in hockey in the near future. Months of coverage by the sports media will follow.
-Ditto as the above for professional football.
-Carly Rae Jespen (or whatever her name is ) will displace Tom Cochrane as the greatest Canadian one hit wonder ever. Unless of course she sadly “goes slutty” and moves to the United States.
-People Magazine will come under fire for being racist due to it never selecting a minority as its ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ (only one time in the publication’s history has the title gone to a non-white).
-Despite the recent swirl over head injuries in the NFL the game might change to accommodate more precautions, but will not lose any interest by audiences. Furthermore, the recent worry that athletes will be deterred from playing football thereby leading to some kind of shortage on the supply side will be a non-factor given the massive talent pool in the United States and Canada. Somehow Bill Simmons and Malcolm Gladwell talked about each of these issues as problems but did not make the link.
-The Office will be mercifully cancelled by NBC (about 3 years too late).
-The overuse of Sheldon Cooper on CBS’s Big Bang Theory will lead to audience exhaustion and cause an early end to the show.
-Oprah Winfrey’s OWN television network will continue to disappoint leading to its dismemberment. A return to her old program is possible.
-Every solo project undertaken by the members of ‘Jersey Shore’ will fail miserably.
-Barrack Obama wins re-election as President barring some massive scandal
-In Canada (where I am from) the ruling Conservative Party will continue to rule until the two prominent left wing parties, the NDP and the Liberals, amalgamate.
-The four evil masters of the Media Universe, Adam Sandler, Howard Stern, Seth Macfarlane and the phoniest man in show business Ryan Seacrest will continue to put out terrible projects that will rake in millions in undeserved income until the populace realizes that these guys are talentless, shallow hacks who don’t deserve anything!! I can’t wait for that day, but I can feel it coming!! Bring on the media revolution!!!
