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After another not-so-great outing at the local ‘sino I found myself rightfully angry with myself for making the same bone-headed blunders I swore I would never make again. These blunders however, are not what you think, as they have they have nothing to do with how I play my hands at the table. Rather these mistakes are violations of basic tenets I have crafted for myself about how I should comport myself within the environment of the casino.

After having been playing since I was 18, and despite the fact that I still consider myself “up” in the long-run (due to some major luck at the Caribbean stud table..I have luckily won  all the prizes save the Royal Flush), these rules have been crafted from years of pain. I hope that you will take these lessons to heart as I hope to now that they are somewhat codified..

Enjoy and PLEASE GAME RESPONSIBLY

THE RULES

1. NEVER PLAY AT A TABLE WITH A GIRL DEALER- NEVER EVER EVER, it is not just that I have some superstition against girl dealers, but there is also real science/logic behind why you shouldn’t. Girl dealers attract low-lifes, drunks and basically people who don’t know how to play and just want to run their mouths and try to run some lame-ass game rather than follow basic strategy or basic common sense. So in sum, if she’s got tits, she ain’t paying out chips. STAY AWAY.

1. IF THE TABLE HAS BAD ENERGY OR YOU ARE NOT FEELING IT, LEAVE TABLE- never listen to people who say each hand is independent or that there is no higher power at work at the gaming table. These people are wrong and if you look at their stacks have done in the long-run following the atheist approach to gambling you will see that I’m right. Just like sports energy and momentum is everything, so if the table is packed with douche bags, or everyone is expecting to lose or people are pissed off, do yourself a favour and get up and move to another table. Unlike your spouse you are not married to any table and should feel free to leave at anytime. Casino’s get you by getting you to stay when you don’t want  to be there, so get up and walk at any time.

1. AS SOON AS SOMEONE MAKES A BONEHEAD MOVE, LEAVE TABLE- I cannot underscore this enough, if a player makes a stupid head scratching call like hitting a13 or higher against a bust-card, splitting tens, splitting 5s, doubling 12 against 6s (YES I HAVE SEEN ALL OF THESE>>>AND MORE!!! L) do yourself a favor and get yourself the fuck out of there as fast as possible. Yes I can even concede to even the atheist of gambling that the cards are independent (well actually I don’t agree with this, fuck that every card counts), over time these bad plays add up and they will only increasingly happen when you need them to happen the least (i.e. when you’ve got 20s and/or the dealer has 5 or 6 and you get dirtied by that guys’ stupidity.

1. NEVER CUT THE DECK- Best case scenario is the deck will go well, but more likely is it will go bad and you will spend the entire shoe feeling guilty and have to weather storm of bad looks and comments like “who cut that shoe” from other players.  Plus for whatever reason I just have had bad luck with it, its like putting your hands on a conference trophy, it jinxes you or something.

1. NEVER PLAY AT A SUSPICIOUSLY EMPTY TABLE- I know how it is even though the casino is packed and you and your friends are desperately looking for a table and you see one empty in the distance, inviting you…but still you must not go. Because just like an oasis in the barren chaos, it will most likely turn out to be a mirage. Ok enough with the metaphors, that table is empty for a reason, the dealer most likely just got through pounding everyone’s dick in and the cards are still messed. STAY AWAY.

1. ALWAYS TIP THE DRINK GIRL- its just Karma. The gambling Gods will not reward you with good cards if you can’t spare a 50 cent piece or a buck to the poor person who has to hump the drink-cart.

1. ALWAYS TIP THE DEALER IF ITS GOING GOOD- cards can change in an instant, you need all the positive energy you can get, even if its from the guy handling the cards. So if its going good tip, again its Karma, but a lot of times unless he’s a dick the dealer will pull for you because like you he’s also working for the man (and more likely than not you are too). So if he rewards you, you do the same..its just good business.

1. IF YOU’RE DOWN AND MIRACULOUSLY RALLY BACK TO EVEN, LEAVE GAMING HOUSE- we’ve all been there, down a ton after a bad night, but than suddenly the cards turn and you go on a hot run packed with splits that can’t miss and double downs that turn into 21s. You get back to even on the night, and think “how much further can I push this?” Well the simple answer is don’t. If the gambling Gods were merciful enough to let you get back to even, or even plus your food and drink expenses on the night, take it as a sign of their good will and get the hell outta there.  If you push it its like spitting in their face with your ungracious saliva and the last thing the Gambling Gods is to be spat at.

1. DON’T KEEP THE UP-BET UP-ED AFTER A PUSH- while I always advise to play with the same denominations, occationally after your 17 beats the dealer hand that was showing the 10 you might feel frisky and wanna up your bet by 5or ten dollars. And while there’s nothing wrong with that, if you are dealt a hand that pushes against a deal (20 and the deal get 20) or a painful push against a deal (you’ve got 19 and the dealer works his 6 into a 19), IMMEDIATELY LOWER YOUR BET BACK!!!! I have been gambling since I was 18 (so about 13 years now) and I have never seen a victory come after this kind of push. Be smart and do the Paul Pierce step back and fire away only with your previous regular bet.

1. 10.   FOLLOW BASIC STRATEGY TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY- Basic strategy is what it is, it’s the mathematically best way to play the percentages at blackjack developed by a bunch of nerds at M.I.T long ago. And while I like to play with feel in terms of my environment and the way I bet sometimes, it’s important to still put yourself in the best position to win, which is of course by following the numbers…and of course who knows the numbers better than a bunch of M.I.T. nerds. So do yourself a favour and memorize basic strategy or failing that get a little chart to prop down next to you or don’t be afraid to ask the dealer to ask the pit-boss to check his chart, they are there standing around getting paid so they might as well be good for something. HOWEVER, even if you don’t wish to follow-basic strategy to the tee on the toss up hands(I myself have the fatal flaw of not remembering whether to hit the 12 against three or the 13 against the two…don’t try and tell me it is just something I will never know…please), the key is playing consistently, so if you never hit that particular hand, just remember to never hit it ever. EVER!!!

1. 11.   NEVER COUNT YOUR MONEY/WINNINGS WHILE PLAYING- to do this is akin to laughing at the gambling goods for all the money you have stolen from them. If you must count do so while the cards are being changed or you are on a break, but never at the table. If you do decide to do it anyway, you will be brought back to Earth and quickly have no chips to count. That is a sad quick count indeed.

1. 12.   NEVER PLAY WITH A TIME CRUNCH- Not only is this true if you are supposed to be somewhere or meeting someone in the near future, but is ESPECIALLY TRUE if someone like your spouse or girlfriend is waiting for you in the Casino. If you are playing with a looming deadline or forcing your significant other  to have to wait longer, you will only become frantic and make erratic moves you would otherwise not make. And as bad as the negative consequences that come from frantic play are, they pale in comparison to the bad karma you bring in but trying to eek out a couple of extra hands despite your pre-determined commitments, or worse pissing off your loved ones. As such take a tip, if you have some place to be in the near future and/or someone is waiting on you, cut your play take a minute to grab a drink (or grab them a drink) and leave early.

1. 13.   NEVER PLAY ON PACKED NIGHT- This one is easier said then done especially when you have made plans and gotten dressed up for a night at the casino. Who wants to go all the way there, get food, watch everyone play and then not play yourself right? However, as tough as it is resist the urge as packed nights (usually Friday and Saturday) means higher table minimums and longer waits for games you want which causes you to want to stay at the table even if its not going good. My advice therefore is that if it’s a packed nights, take in the sights, grab some drinks, grab some food and only gamble with smaller amounts at games that aren’t usually so packed and your money lasts longer (i.e. Paigow).

1. 14.   NEVER TRY AND GAME AT THE END OF A NIGHT OUT- I know its tempting, the bar is closing, your still having a great time ballin’ out with your friends, you want the night to keep going and you figure, “hey the Casino is open 24hrs?” BAD IDEA. If you want the night to keep going, grab some food, find an after hours spot, go back to your friend’s house…hell even ringing doorbells is a more constructive activity then attempting to end a night out on a good note with the Casino. I have done this more times than I can remember and it has only worked out once (on a New Years’ a couple years back). ONCE. I don’t know what it is that makes the nights end badly at the Casino, but it never works out. Oh wait, I know exactly why it doesn’t work out….

1. 15.   NEVER PLAY WHILE INTOXICATED- I may not know much in this life, but if I know one thing for absolute certainty it is that ALCOHOL AND GAMBLING DO NOT MIX. And I am not even talking about games like poker that require your constant attention and your ability to hide your emotions, even in games like black jack when all you are doing is following basic strategy while playing (or at least you should be), your play is significantly compromised. Why you ask? Well with alcohol lowering your inhabitions you will find yourself wildly changing your bets, staying at crappy tables with bad players and even winding up at tables with, gulp, girl dealers. So do yourself a favor if you are hammered stick to the bar or hand your wallet off to someone else and watch them play…or pull an Iverson and urinate in a trash can. Believe me,  you and your wallet will thank me.