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Would you hire the kid who mows your lawn to be the head of your landscaping company? How about the person that works the pump at one of your gas stations to be the head of your oil and gas exploration entreprise? The answer is certainly no right, at least not without years of higher education, training and on the job performance evaluation? Unfortunately, for whatever reason this logic does not translate into the world of sports as there seems to be a steadily increasing number of former players in the front office. When it inevitably goes bad, the system is blamed and execs line up to cover their mistakes by point the finger at things like “the minimum draft age”, “the CBA”, the allegation that “small-markets cannot compete” etc. Balderdash!! The real reason so many teams have so many problems is because nepotism and/or favoritism is rampant and you are stuck with a bunch of underqualified people running your multi-million (and in some cases billion) franchises. While there certainly are exceptions like Jerry West and Joe Dumars circa 2003, the vast majority of former players do not possess the skill set necessary to run a sports franchise. Below is a list of the top five.

MAGIC JOHNSON

While Magic Johnson is perhaps best known for his electric on-court performances, no-look passes and jump hooks, his manouevers off-the court have been far less impressive. In fact, Magic’s million dollar smile should be renamed the “billion dollar” smile as many people believe he made his ownership group overpay in their quest to attain the L.A. Dodgers by about a billion dollars. When you add the fact that former owner Frank McCourt still retains about half of the parking lot concession, Magic’s questionable purchase goes from head scratching to mind blowing.

ISIAH THOMAS

Of all the former athletes who have failed in their front office attempts Isiah’s debacle is probably the most publicized of them all. And rightfully so. In his 5 year tenure as President of Basketball Operations/General Manager and coach for the Knicks, “Zeke” was able to compile the second worst record in the league while simultaneously having the league’s highest payroll (2005-06), dealt away several coveted draft picks in talent heavy drafts to Chicago only to acquire Eddy Curry in return and agreed to take on some of the worst contracts in recent history by agreeing to acquire headcases like Zach Randolph and overpaying for bench fodder like Jerome James and Jerrod Jeffries. Couple these atrocities with the heinous publicity and 11.5 million dollars he cost the franchise as result of the sexual harassment lawsuit he provoked, and it is no wonder why the name Isiah Thomas still incites rage amongst many-a-New Yorker.

JOHN ELWAY

On the field John Elway was known as one of the most resilient quarterbacks of all-time and perhaps most notably, for his ability to turn nothing into something. Off the field however, it seems like he is poised to do the exact opposite. After years of mediocrity and being out of the media spotlight, Tim Tebow despite his questionable mechanics, was able to turn it around for the Broncos as he was able to awaken his team’s defense, make the big play when it counted and turned in one of the most talked about NFL seasons in league history with his penchant for winning in the clutch. When the season was over however, despite Tebow’s ability to turn around the franchise in less than year, Elway in almost Judas like fashion turned on Football Jesus and made it his mission to dump Tebow at the first opportunity he got. In fact, Elway’s zeal to get rid of Tebow was so great that all he got for the most talked about player in the NFL, was pennies on the dollar. In fact, all they got from the Jets was a fourth and sixth rounder in exchange for Tebow and a 7^th rounder.

If the handling of the Tebow situation was not enough of an epic blunder on its own, Elway’s choice of replacement for Tebow is poised to be one of the most overpriced mistakes in league history. If Peyton Manning can return to form, few in Denver will ever remember the name Tim Tebow and that will be that. But if the 36 year old Manning who just signed a five-year contract worth $96 million contract with the Broncos and who is a year removed from playing a single down in the NFL due to persistent neck problems has any sort of set-back, you can believe that folks in Denver will be calling for Elway’s job. Its one hit even Elway won’t be able to avoid.

MATT MILLEN

In his playing days Millen was pro-bowl linebacker known for his hard hitting and ability to instill fear on the gridiron. In his job as Detroit Lions CEO and GM however, he was known for his hard headed moves and his ability to instill fear and hatred amongst those in his own fanbase. Even though it might sound like I’m kidding, in truth there is nothing humorous about Millen’s tenure as head of the Lions. Not only was Detroit’s winning percentage the worst ever for a seven year period in the NFL under his leadership (.277), but the Lions inability to win on the road for three full seasons (2001-2003), their notoriously terrible draft selections (which included three bust WR selections taken with their first overall pick) and the infamous (and seemingly impossible) 0-16 season which came to fruition in Millen’s last year, are all reasons why many believe that Millen is possibly the worst front office executive of all time.

The title of worst executive overall however belongs to whomever decided that it was a good idea to give Millen a broadcasting job as a sports analyst after his terrible tenure with the Lions. The only comparison that even comes close to this terrible atrocity is someone actually hiring Bernie Madoff to teach a course on business ethics from his jail cell. That’s it nothing else is close.

MICHAEL JORDAN

In his playing days everyone wanted to be like Mike. He was able to sell out arenas (even baseball stadiums when he tried his hand at triple AAA ball), rake in millions in endorsements, was beloved the World over and was universally acclaimed as being the greatest basketball player of all time. In fact it has been 14 years since Michael Jordan played a meaningful basketball game (I only count his tenure with the Chicago Bulls as meaningful) and yet he is still brought up daily by the media and still sells millions of dollars each year in sports apparel with his longtime relationship with Nike.

Unfortunately, not all aspects of the basketball world have gone well for Jordan over the years, especially since his third retirement. And while his hall-of-fame induction speech might make the list, in the big picture sense what has perhaps hurt Jordan and his invincible image the most emanates from his front office position with the Washington Wizards and his subsequent move to buy the Charlotte Bobcats and his ineptitude as an owner/decision maker on that front which have completely run the team into the ground.   With respect to the former, two words sum up his job with the Wizards; Kwame Brown, a pick so terrible that the Wizard rewarded Jordan by severing all ties with him after he came out of retirement to play two seasons with them.  With regards to the latter, well what else is there left to say really? Not only did his team just post the worst winning percentage in league history (.106), but questionable picks which include (but are not limited to) Bismack Biyombo, Kemba Walker and Adam Morrison, the firing of Hall of Fame coach Larry Brown and the revolving door policy of acquiring and then releasing mid-level talent like Stephen Jackson, Raymond Felton, Gerald Wallace and Correy Maggette are all reasons why Jordan needs to seriously second guess his decision to be part of any front office ever again. He might have been known as Air-Jordan on the court, but off it, the only term that accurately sums him up his performance as an executive is Air-Head.

Although teams are not allowed to formally sign their free-agent acquisitions until later this week, it has indeed been a wild offseason this year in the NBA. While some teams can look forward to improved rosters barring a potential signee pulling the ‘Carlos Boozer’, in the zero-sum game that is the NBA, obviously other teams will have a much grimmer outlook after July 11^th.

WINNERS

New Jersey Brooklyn Nets

When the Nets executed the deal that dealt Derrick Favors, Devin Harris two first-round draft picks and cash to Utah in exchange for Deron Williams last year , a lot of people scratched their heads (especially considering the way Williams had essentially cost the long time and well respected coach Jerry Sloan his job). When it was announced that Williams was dealt without any assurances that he would remain with the Nets past July 2012, a lot of people (myself included) thought the Nets had executed one of the worst deals in recent NBA history.

Fortunately for the Nets, a lot of things played out well for them. First, they played their last game in New Jersey and had a lot of hype around them with the move to Brooklyn. After that, despite their suspect season they were able to sign Gerald Wallace to a long term deal (which undid the suspect move of dealing away the sixth pick in the 2012 loaded draft to get him from Portland) and decided to make the bold move of taking on Joe Johnson’s massive contract. While the latter move is somewhat suspect given Johnson’s playoff performance the last couple of years, if Deron Williams is to be believe it was a stroke of genius in that it enabled the Nets to coax their prize from Utah into signing a long-time extension to remain with the team.

In the end, although their pay-roll is relatively now relatively high, the Nets now have a starting 5 that includes 3 All-stars, a solid rebounder and double-double machine in Kris Humphries (who is probably staying put given his impending child support obligations) and a 7 foot up and coming centre in Brook Lopez who can be a real force if he ever learns to rebound.

Solid haul for New Jersey all around.

Los Angeles Lakers

When David Stern decided to arbitrarily void the now infamous 3 team Chris Paul trade last year, he not only redefined the word conflict-of-interest, but he destroyed any chance for the Lakers to fill a major void on their roster with one of the best PGs in the game. While the movehad reprocussions for the Lakers all season, most notably in the offseason when stop-gap solution Ramon Sessions imploded in the playoffs, things started to look up for the Lakers when word started to spread that Steve Nash would join their squad.

Although Nash nearing the end of his playing days, the Lakers are getting a perennial all-star, two-time MVP and one of the best PGs in the NBA who still has a lot of gas left in the tank despite his advanced age. Therefore, clearly while Nash is not the longterm solution to the Lakers point guard problem, for the next three years he will be a huge addition to the back court alongside Kobe Bryant, and if Bynum’s knee holds they could  be poised to make a deep playoff run.

Oklahoma City Thunder

While their most recent playoff run did not end the way they wanted it too, James Harden’s terrible play might have actually done them some favours in the long-run. Given Harden’s terrible play it is now far less likely that other teams around the league will be lining up to toss max money his way and as such, OKC can potentially sign him to a long term deal for a lot less money. This of course leaves more money to help sign other guys.

Other positives for the Thunder this offseason include the theft of Perry Jones with the 28^th pick (who would have been a top-ten pick if not for some health issues) and the low risk high reward signing of Hasheem Thabeet, the former number two overall pick from 2009.

New Orleans Hornets

Whether or not you choose to believe the conspiracy theorists is a matter of choice, but the New Orleans Hornets have quickly put together an impressive young roster who can potentially rival the Thunder and Heat for titles in the not too distant future. In addition, to getting franchise changer and number one overall pick Anthony Davis, the Hornets snagged explosive shooting guard Austin Rivers at ten, still have the rights to Eric Gordon and are on the verge of acquiring 3 point specialist (and solid rebounder) Ryan Anderson from the Magic. Add to this the dumping of Rashard Lewis’ Albatross contract and the acquisition of Anthony Davis’ former Kentucky teammate Darius Miller at 46 and the future is bright indeed for the Hornets.

LOSERS

Dallas Mavericks

When it comes to the Dallas Mavericks I honestly do not know which is the bigger shock, winning the title in 2011 or their decision to not put any effort into defending their title in 2012. It was a bold move by the Mavericks to not reward their championship pieces by ensuring that they stayed in Dallas longterm and instead hoard thier money to make a run at some of the big names in 2012 free agency. And while they say that fortunes favor the bold, in this case things could not have gone worse for the Mavericks. Not only are Tyson Chandler, Jason Kidd and Jason Terry now long gone, but now that Deron Williams decided to re-sign with the Nets, their master plan of signing Deron Williams to be the future of the franchise seems to have gone up in smoke. Couple this with the fact that free agents seem to be avoiding Dallas like the plague since their decision to forgo any attempt to defend their title, and the future looks bleak for a team that won the title just a year ago.

Toronto Raptors

When you pursue a highly sought after free-agent and he ends up turning you down, that is life. But when that free-agent turns down the opportunity to play for his home country, be the star of your franchise and 11 million dollars, that is pretty telling. When Steve Nash turned down the opportunity to play for the Raptors he was making a statement which was that the Raptors are so poorly run right now that he would rather play somewhere else for a whole lot less than be associated professional basketball in Toronto. Ouch. Add to this that the Raptors seem to have overpaid yet again for a role player in Landry Fields and they drafted a guy who many experts thought was taken twenty spots too high in Terence Ross and Toronto fans are in for another long season. If Austin Rivers or Andre Drummond turn out to have successful NBA careers it is only right that Toronto’s front office brass be made accountable for this latest debacle.

Dwight Howard

If Dwight Howard really is Superman I am guessing his Krytonite is not only limited to success in the playoffs, but common sense as well. Unless Dwight Howard is on a mission to take the title of least liked NBA player away from LeBron James, people in Dwight’s camp need to hold an intervention on his behalf because he is on the fast track to killing his career on and off the court. With respect to the latter it is tough to see people lining up to hand a petulant Dwight Howard millions of dollars to be associated with their brands when the public’s disdain for him is reaching ever higher by the day. And as for on the court, well his actions speak for himself. Since becoming with the idea of leaving the Magic Howard has demanded a trade, undemanded a trade, demanded a trade, signed a one year extension, demanded a trade again and then demanded the trade be made to only the Brookyln Nets. Couple this with the fact that he has not only gotten the Coach and the team’s longtime GM fired, but accused his own team of blackmail, and you get the picture why mnay people have turned on Dwight Howard and actually want the Magic to dump him on some basement dweller like the Bobcats or the Kings.

Unfortunately, in the current state of “me-first” basketball, it looks like there is still a strong chance that Dwight Howard will get his wish and not only be traded from the Magic, but dealt to the Nets with a lucrative long-term deal to boot. I don’t know why NBA GMs are going out of their teams to let 8 franchises rule the league for years to come, but it makes you what happened to the new CBA’s promise of protecting small market franchises. I guess in the end the lesson is that its hard to protect the little guy when he is not willing to protect himself.

As the seconds ticked down in Game 5 of the NBA finals, the lasting impression of the game was LeBron James and the rest of the Heat celebrating with exuberance along the sidelines. LeBron especially seemed to be revelling in the moment, and if the sports media is to be trusted it was because all of his demons were about to be exorcised. Indeed, the biggest storyline of these Finals, bigger than Miami winning every 50-50 call, Miami’s role players playing out of their minds and James Harden cancerous play, was how all of the things that have dogged LeBron over his 9 year career would be washed away if he won a title. The King’s lack of ring, his late-game let downs, his dubious “decision” to come to Miami and the public score heaped on him since that decision, would all be a memory if he could win 16 games in the post-season. But were they really going to be? By examining each of the items tormenting the LeBron James legacy it would appear that ones skeletons don’t disappear from the closet all that easily.

No Championships: This is the easiest criteria to evaluate as the player touted for 9 long years as being the NBA’s best player finally has a championship. And as LeBron James states, “Its about damn time!” I mean seriously how much longer was the public going to have to sit back and listen to the sports media and the marketing gurus go on and on about a guy being the best in the game, yet after 9 years and every possible advantage afforded him he still has no championship? Instead of being the King, Lebron was starting to look more like the Emperor with no clothes. Fortunately for LeBron (and his brand of course), this particular monkey is finally off his back.

The Inability to Close Late: Aside from his lack of rings, LeBron’s lack of play in the clutch was easily the biggest knock against him. And it was certainly warranted. In recent memory alone, the Cavs were throttled by the Magic when they were pegged to win the Crown in 2009, he disappeared in the infamous series against the Celtics in 2010, he had the worst drop off for any star player in playoff history in last year’s Finals against Dallas, he had a huge choke job after Kobe Bryant called him out in this year’s All-Star game and all of the countless times he deferred to other Heat players in big game moments all season are all prime examples. However, to his credit, mid way through the Indiana series this year a change seemed to be happening with LeBron and by game 6 of the Boston series he had flipped a switch and turned into an incredible force. And while Chris Bosh’s return and the unbelievable play of Miami’s role players certainly were big factors in Miami’s championship run, LeBron James played out of his mind basketball for at least the final 7 games of the playoffs and that is undeniable. Will this performance completely erase all of his unfulfilled MVP seasons and disappearing acts over the last 9 years? Probably not, but in the what-have-you-done-for-me-lately culture in which we live his critics will surely be satisfied in the interim.

The decision to come to Miami: When LeBron choose not to re-sign with his hometown  team the Cleveland Cavaliers, the decision to do so was undeniably met with scorn and criticism across the board. And while LeBron’s camp could not understand how overnight his image had changed, it was obviously the dubious circumstances around the decision and “The Decision” which sparked the backlash. However, backlash for the traitorous maneouver aside, there was also something about the reason behind leaving which did not resonate well with people both inside and outside the NBA(past greats like Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson and Larry Bird for example could not believe a star player could ever do such a thing). However, in making the choice to leave LeBron was not only jumping ship on his franchise, he was doing so for the purpose of joining up with other two other top 15 players so that they would be placed in the best position to win a championship. Add to this the fact that LeBron was willing to leave his team and join and join an Alpha-Dog player on his turf (i.e. Dwayne Wade in Miami) and suddenly the King looked like nothing more than a conniving side-kick.

All of this however is of course nothing new, and while this scenario has been talked about countless times, it is worth remembering because in my opinion nothing actually changes in relation to it now that LeBron has won a title. Why you ask? Well because while the popular notion being floated around now remains that winning a title will somehow validate LeBron’s decision to play in Miami, it actually changes nothing about the manner in which LeBron chose to abandon his home team in Cleveland, underhandedly took the short cut in order to win a title and basically go from being regarded as the top player in the NBA to a guy willing to play second fiddle on someone else’s  team.  In sum, while the plan worked to fruition and LeBron got his ring, the criticisms with respect to his decision, “The Decision” and his inability to win without help all remain in tact, and in large part validated.

Winning will alleviate the Public Scorn: While I can at least understand the rationale behind why winning would slay the previous demons listed (although again I do not agree with the third), LeBron winning a title and somehow winning over the masses that hate him is a theory I will never understand. However, for whatever reason the mainstream media has been peddling the idea that if LeBron James were to win a title, that the public would somehow forget their misgivings about him and welcome him with open arms (And they have been peddling this idea hard!).  My question to those who perpetuate this notion is when has anyone hated by the masses who managed to succeed in the very manner feared by the general public ever been successful in winning them back? Has this ever happened in the real world let alone the sporting world? For example, when O.J. Simpson was acquitted of murder, it is not as if the members of the public who loathed him were suddenly going to be happy about the fact he got off, forgive him and then embrace him. And while of course LeBron’s actions in no way even remotely compare to the seriousness of the charges Simpson faced, both LeBron and O.J. had a similarly large polarizing effect on the general populace. If that analogy is too much of stretch, bringing the argument back to the sporting level, when A-Rod finally won his ring, it is not as if the people who did not like him before suddenly began to like him after he won a ring, rather both camps remained relatively constant with the only difference being that A-rod had won a ring and the general knock on him was removed. And thus it remains the same with LeBron. Therefore, the only way LeBron, or anyone in the public eye for that matter who  wants to get the scorn of the public off of them, can successfully do so is by finding a way to successfully change something fundamental about themselves that helped to cause the ire in the first place.

Say what you will about Western Society, but it will always root for the person who honestly works hard and the person who keeps trying their best despite the odds. It is an inescapable fact that is woven into the very fabric of our society and demonstrated over and over in every medium imaginable. Therefore, when LeBron James decided to defect his franchise in Cleveland, he violated these sacred tenets and it is for this reason that no matter what he does or how many championships he wins in Miami he will never be able to ingratiate himself back to the masses and will always be burdened by it.

I therefore submit that the only way LeBron will ever be able to exercise all of his demons remains the same today as it did the second after he announced his intention to bolt to Miami and it has nothing to do with winning championships. For LeBron James the only path to restoring his legacy and winning back the public is for him to return to the franchise he abandoned and do all he can to finish what he started.  It is that simple. No amount of money, no amount of titles, no amount of press, no amount of MVP awards no amount of anything else will ever work for him.

Whether or not the Prodigal Son actually fulfills this prophecy and returns to Cleveland however is anyone’s guess.

Many of my readers have asked repeatedly for it, so here it is without delay. Obviously I doubt I will hit on all of them, but I heard as gambler you are doing well if you can hit at over 54%, I feel confident I will hit on at least 70% of the following…

Enjoy..AND PLEASE REMEMBER THAT THIS ENTRY IS CONSTRUED FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!! IT IS MEANT TO BE HUMOURS AND A SATIRICAL TAKE ON PRESENT SOCIETY!!!

THINGS THAT WILL COME TO PASS AFTER JUNE 14, 2012

-Although I missed out on the initial Apple gravy train, Apple will hit $1000.00 dollars a share in the near future. With the iPhone 5 dropping soon, kids going back to school, Blackberry in turmoil, the launch of a new iPad things look gravy for Apple so buy ASAP and don’t be irked by the day-to-day swings. The next two quarters should be large for Apple.

-Buy up all the Liquor Stocks you can. I have watch the market for the last year and can tell you that one of the most resilient assets to hold or liquor stocks like Diego and Budweiser (DEO and BUD). Although the market is rollercoastering what do people need in good time and bad? ALCOHOL. Somebody will always be celebrating or drinking there sorrows away, either way you’re a winner.

-With the baby-boomers getting up there, the only safer bet then them watching the news 24/7 is them needing more pharmaceutical drugs. So be smart and grab some Pfizer, Johnson and Johnson and Proctor and Gamble while you can.

-If you can get Lionsgate stock (the film company) anywhere in the 11 dollar range buy it a shit load of it and hold it until the conclusion of this Hunger Games craze.

-GOOGLE!! Now initially I had Google outperforming APPLE and reaching $1000.00 a share first, however a couple of things have since irked my confidence. Google’s odd proposed stock-split, its suspect diversification into things like self-driving cars (which could be a big hit, I know I will buy one), increased competition from Apple with respect to its navigation programs, increased competition from Yahoo with Yahoo’s picture based search engines and the increasingly difficult task of managing advertisements on mobile devices (a problem for Google since the majority of its revenue comes from ads), are all reasons to be weary of Google. None the less, in an information age where the internet is everything and Google (for the time being at least) is the internet, feel confident that Google will hit $800.00 a share at some point in the medium future. If you want to be smart wait for the proposed split and then buy it up like a biscuit in a bowl full of Gofer gravy.

-Lindsay Lohan’s death is on the horizon. I feel bad because the girl has talent, but way too many factors are working against her (i.e. jail, drug and alcohol abuse problems, bad parents, the press stalking her relentless, questionable finances, the shame of being relegated to do life time etc.) and so it is only a matter of time. I don’t know how what the ramifications are with respect to this latest Porsche crashing incident, but you can believe they won’t be good.  Also, WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING STILL GETTING BEHIND THE WHEEL OF ANY MOTOR VEHICLE???? You have a fucking assistant, let that schmuck drive!!!

-Tila Tequila’s death is also on the horizon, probably a lot sooner then Lohan’s

-Charlie Sheen will tragically die within the next 5 years.

-This will be a big year for Leonardo DiCaprio. Depending on how Gatsby goes he might win his long overdue Oscar this year.

-The film Rock of Ages will tank miserably.

-The film That’s My Boy will do well enough that Adam Sandler will continue to be allowed to make movies. God I hate the movie industry.

-The movie industry will wonder why receipts are down despite the fact that they have pumped out nothing but terrible un-funny comedies (see above), monotonous sequels and comic-franchise reboots.

-The flop of Jon Carter will only inspire movie studios to “stick to what works” and pump out the same old crap. GOD I HATE THE MOVIE INDUSTRY!!!!!!

-Taylor Lautner will come out as Gay

-Jason Derullo will come out as Gay

-Missy Elliot will come out as Gay/Lesbian

-Hugh Jackman will continue to live as a straight man despite being Gay

-Rhianna and Chris Brown will get back together (if they are not already)

-If the Miami Heat lose another NBA final, Erik Spolestra will be fired quicker then you can say Pat Riley

-If Miami loses again, expect at least one of the big three to be moved

-The only way the public forgives Lebron James and gets behind him again is if he somehow goes back to Cleveland

-Mike Brown will be fired as Lakers coach either after this season on next

-Larry Brown has a good chance of replacing Mike Brown as Lakers coach

-Phil Jackson will be named coach of the New York Knicks

-Amar’e Stoudamire will not last 2 more seasons with the Knicks

-Mikel Pokarvovs (sp?) of the New Jersey/Brooklyn Nets will be a spectacular failure as the Russian will soon lose complete interest in the venture.

-The Bulls roster as is will never compete for a championship despite their regular season runs. Either Derrick Rose will continue to disappoint come playoff time or they will need an established big man who can work the paint (both offensively and defensively).

-Dwight Howard has (mercifully) played his last season in Orlando

-Peyton Manning’s tenure in Denver will be largely disappointing

-The Jags will regret not landing Tim Tebow. Either that or it was there plan all along to get the hell out of Jacksonville.

-Adrian Peterson will be finished as a running back within 2 seasons.

-Terrel Owens will die under tragic circumstances. Feel bad for the guy, he had tremendous talent but could never hold it in check under the medias’ bear-baiting to find and keep a home in the NFL.

-Robert Griffen 3 will be a spectacular failing in the NFL

-The Patriots will beat the Tennesse Titans in Week 1. BET THE HOUSE ON IT

-The Dallas Cowboys will lose to the Giants in Week 1.

-The Patriots winning after a loss and Dallas losing any big game it needs to win shall continue to be the safest bets in sports unless Dallas’ secondary has a miraculous shift. Claiborne might be the spark.

-Despite losing in week 1 Dallas will go on to have a good season.

-The Toronto Maple Leafs sign Robert Luongo.

-Wilmer Valderamma will continue to score with chicks way out of his league and only cement his status as this generation’s Scott Baio

-Taylor Swift will finally get called out for her dubious relationships (see Taylor Lautner, John Mayer) and lose the fake victim status she accrued when Kanye West rushed the stage

-Taylor Swift will make an album about it that will sound the exact same as all of her albums and all of her songs.

-The Miss World, Miss America, Miss Universe or whatever else pagents that are run by Donald Trump will either be exposed as frauds or the scandal will force Donald Trump to give up ownership. Trump will be sad as he will lose control of something he truly covets, a breeding ground for potential mistresses.

-The next big trend in music will be producing songs that were meant to sound like they belong in the 80s.

-Bill Hader will be officially recognized at the funniest man alive (long overdue by the way)

-Dark Knight Rises will be a massive hit, but will miss the mark set by Dark Knight

-Megan Fox’s career is over.

-Brooklyn Decker will come to her senses and leave perennial loser Andy Roddick.

-The marriage of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban will not last.

-Serena Williams will lose her standing as sports media darling and she will become the most disliked athlete in professional sports.

-Tiger Woods will no more then one more major.

-Reality T.V. will undergo a tough phase due to the oversaturation of the medium (especially with this recent wave of knocks like the Choice, Glasshouse etc.). Even ratings heavyweight American Idol will continue to suffer. Score one for the Golden Age of television.

-Despite the re-vamp of Simon Cowell’s X-factor it will remain a disappointment.

-Despite the support of TBS ratings for Conan O’Brien’s talk show will continue to dwindle until he is embarrassingly cancelled.

-Jay Leno will remain the undisputed king of late-night (Ryan that one’s for you).

-David Stern will finally release his dubious grip on the NBA and finally resign under mounting pressure for his debacles.

-Someone will die as a result of an on ice injury in hockey in the near future. Months of coverage by the sports media will follow.

-Ditto as the above for professional football.

-Carly Rae Jespen (or whatever her name is ) will displace Tom Cochrane as the greatest Canadian one hit wonder ever. Unless of course she sadly “goes slutty” and moves to the United States.

-People Magazine will come under fire for being racist due to it never selecting a minority as its ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ (only one time in the publication’s history has the title gone to a non-white).

-Despite the recent swirl over head injuries in the NFL the game might change to accommodate more precautions, but will not lose any interest by audiences. Furthermore, the recent worry that athletes will be deterred from playing football thereby leading to some kind of shortage on the supply side will be a non-factor given  the massive talent pool in the United States and Canada. Somehow Bill Simmons and Malcolm Gladwell talked about each of these issues as problems but did not make the link.

-The Office will be mercifully cancelled by NBC (about 3 years too late).

-The overuse of Sheldon Cooper on CBS’s Big Bang Theory will lead to audience exhaustion and cause an early end to the show.

-Oprah Winfrey’s OWN television network will continue to disappoint leading to its dismemberment. A return to her old program is possible.

-Every solo project undertaken by the members of ‘Jersey Shore’ will fail miserably.

-Barrack Obama wins re-election as President barring some massive scandal

-In Canada (where I am from) the ruling Conservative Party will continue to rule until the two prominent left wing parties, the NDP and the Liberals, amalgamate.

-The four evil masters of the Media Universe, Adam Sandler, Howard Stern, Seth Macfarlane and the phoniest man in show business Ryan Seacrest will continue to put out terrible projects that will rake in millions in undeserved income until the populace realizes that these guys are talentless, shallow hacks who don’t deserve anything!! I can’t wait for that day, but I can feel it coming!! Bring on the media revolution!!!

After another not-so-great outing at the local ‘sino I found myself rightfully angry with myself for making the same bone-headed blunders I swore I would never make again. These blunders however, are not what you think, as they have they have nothing to do with how I play my hands at the table. Rather these mistakes are violations of basic tenets I have crafted for myself about how I should comport myself within the environment of the casino.

After having been playing since I was 18, and despite the fact that I still consider myself “up” in the long-run (due to some major luck at the Caribbean stud table..I have luckily won  all the prizes save the Royal Flush), these rules have been crafted from years of pain. I hope that you will take these lessons to heart as I hope to now that they are somewhat codified..

Enjoy and PLEASE GAME RESPONSIBLY

THE RULES

1. NEVER PLAY AT A TABLE WITH A GIRL DEALER- NEVER EVER EVER, it is not just that I have some superstition against girl dealers, but there is also real science/logic behind why you shouldn’t. Girl dealers attract low-lifes, drunks and basically people who don’t know how to play and just want to run their mouths and try to run some lame-ass game rather than follow basic strategy or basic common sense. So in sum, if she’s got chips, she ain’t paying out chips. STAY AWAY.

1. IF THE TABLE HAS BAD ENERGY OR YOU ARE NOT FEELING IT, LEAVE TABLE- never listen to people who say each hand is independent or that there is no higher power at work at the gaming table. These people are wrong and if you look at their stacks have done in the long-run following the atheist approach to gambling you will see that I’m right. Just like sports energy and momentum is everything, so if the table is packed with douche bags, or everyone is expecting to lose or people are pissed off, do yourself a favour and get up and move to another table. Unlike your spouse you are not married to any table and should feel free to leave at anytime. Casino’s get you by getting you to stay when you don’t want  to be there, so get up and walk at any time.

1. AS SOON AS SOMEONE MAKES A BONEHEAD MOVE, LEAVE TABLE- I cannot underscore this enough, if a player makes a stupid head scratching call like hitting a13 or higher against a bust-card, splitting tens, splitting 5s, doubling 12 against 6s (YES I HAVE SEEN ALL OF THESE>>>AND MORE!!! L) do yourself a favor and get yourself the fuck out of there as fast as possible. Yes I can even concede to even the atheist of gambling that the cards are independent (well actually I don’t agree with this, fuck that every card counts), over time these bad plays add up and they will only increasingly happen when you need them to happen the least (i.e. when you’ve got 20s and/or the dealer has 5 or 6 and you get dirtied by that guys’ stupidity.

1. NEVER CUT THE DECK- Best case scenario is the deck will go well, but more likely is it will go bad and you will spend the entire shoe feeling guilty and have to weather storm of bad looks and comments like “who cut that shoe” from other players.  Plus for whatever reason I just have had bad luck with it, its like putting your hands on a conference trophy, it jinxes you or something.

1. NEVER PLAY AT A SUSPICIOUSLY EMPTY TABLE- I know how it is even though the casino is packed and you and your friends are desperately looking for a table and you see one empty in the distance, inviting you…but still you must not go. Because just like an oasis in the barren chaos, it will most likely turn out to be a mirage. Ok enough with the metaphors, that table is empty for a reason, the dealer most likely just got through pounding everyone’s dick in and the cards are still messed. STAY AWAY.

1. ALWAYS TIP THE DRINK GIRL- its just Karma. The gambling Gods will not reward you with good cards if you can’t spare a 50 cent piece or a buck to the poor person who has to hump the drink-cart.

1. ALWAYS TIP THE DEALER IF ITS GOING GOOD- cards can change in an instant, you need all the positive energy you can get, even if its from the guy handling the cards. So if its going good tip, again its Karma, but a lot of times unless he’s a dick the dealer will pull for you because like you he’s also working for the man (and more likely than not you are too). So if he rewards you, you do the same..its just good business.

1. IF YOU’RE DOWN AND MIRACULOUSLY RALLY BACK TO EVEN, LEAVE GAMING HOUSE- we’ve all been there, down a ton after a bad night, but than suddenly the cards turn and you go on a hot run packed with splits that can’t miss and double downs that turn into 21s. You get back to even on the night, and think “how much further can I push this?” Well the simple answer is don’t. If the gambling Gods were merciful enough to let you get back to even, or even plus your food and drink expenses on the night, take it as a sign of their good will and get the hell outta there.  If you push it its like spitting in their face with your ungracious saliva and the last thing the Gambling Gods is to be spat at.

1. DON’T KEEP THE UP-BET UP-ED AFTER A PUSH- while I always advise to play with the same denominations, occationally after your 17 beats the dealer hand that was showing the 10 you might feel frisky and wanna up your bet by 5or ten dollars. And while there’s nothing wrong with that, if you are dealt a hand that pushes against a deal (20 and the deal get 20) or a painful push against a deal (you’ve got 19 and the dealer works his 6 into a 19), IMMEDIATELY LOWER YOUR BET BACK!!!! I have been gambling since I was 18 (so about 13 years now) and I have never seen a victory come after this kind of push. Be smart and do the Paul Pierce step back and fire away only with your previous regular bet.

1. 10.   FOLLOW BASIC STRATEGY TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY- Basic strategy is what it is, it’s the mathematically best way to play the percentages at blackjack developed by a bunch of nerds at M.I.T long ago. And while I like to play with feel in terms of my environment and the way I bet sometimes, it’s important to still put yourself in the best position to win, which is of course by following the numbers…and of course who knows the numbers better than a bunch of M.I.T. nerds. So do yourself a favour and memorize basic strategy or failing that get a little chart to prop down next to you or don’t be afraid to ask the dealer to ask the pit-boss to check his chart, they are there standing around getting paid so they might as well be good for something. HOWEVER, even if you don’t wish to follow-basic strategy to the tee on the toss up hands(I myself have the fatal flaw of not remembering whether to hit the 12 against three or the 13 against the two…don’t try and tell me it is just something I will never know…please), the key is playing consistently, so if you never hit that particular hand, just remember to never hit it ever. EVER!!!

1. 11.   NEVER COUNT YOUR MONEY/WINNINGS WHILE PLAYING- to do this is akin to laughing at the gambling goods for all the money you have stolen from them. If you must count do so while the cards are being changed or you are on a break, but never at the table. If you do decide to do it anyway, you will be brought back to Earth and quickly have no chips to count. That is a sad quick count indeed.

1. 12.   NEVER PLAY WITH A TIME CRUNCH- Not only is this true if you are supposed to be somewhere or meeting someone in the near future, but is ESPECIALLY TRUE if someone like your spouse or girlfriend is waiting for you in the Casino. If you are playing with a looming deadline or forcing your significant other  to have to wait longer, you will only become frantic and make erratic moves you would otherwise not make. And as bad as the negative consequences that come from frantic play are, they pale in comparison to the bad karma you bring in but trying to eek out a couple of extra hands despite your pre-determined commitments, or worse pissing off your loved ones. As such take a tip, if you have some place to be in the near future and/or someone is waiting on you, cut your play take a minute to grab a drink (or grab them a drink) and leave early.

1. 13.   NEVER PLAY ON PACKED NIGHT- This one is easier said then done especially when you have made plans and gotten dressed up for a night at the casino. Who wants to go all the way there, get food, watch everyone play and then not play yourself right? However, as tough as it is resist the urge as packed nights (usually Friday and Saturday) means higher table minimums and longer waits for games you want which causes you to want to stay at the table even if its not going good. My advice therefore is that if it’s a packed nights, take in the sights, grab some drinks, grab some food and only gamble with smaller amounts at games that aren’t usually so packed and your money lasts longer (i.e. Paigow).

1. 14.   NEVER TRY AND GAME AT THE END OF A NIGHT OUT- I know its tempting, the bar is closing, your still having a great time ballin’ out with your friends, you want the night to keep going and you figure, “hey the Casino is open 24hrs?” BAD IDEA. If you want the night to keep going, grab some food, find an after hours spot, go back to your friend’s house…hell even ringing doorbells is a more constructive activity then attempting to end a night out on a good note with the Casino. I have done this more times than I can remember and it has only worked out once (on a New Years’ a couple years back). ONCE. I don’t know what it is that makes the nights end badly at the Casino, but it never works out. Oh wait, I know exactly why it doesn’t work out….

1. 15.   NEVER PLAY WHILE INTOXICATED- I may not know much in this life, but if I know one thing for absolute certainty it is that ALCOHOL AND GAMBLING DO NOT MIX. And I am not even talking about games like poker that require your constant attention and your ability to hide your emotions, even in games like black jack when all you are doing is following basic strategy while playing (or at least you should be), your play is significantly compromised. Why you ask? Well with alcohol lowering your inhabitions you will find yourself wildly changing your bets, staying at crappy tables with bad players and even winding up at tables with, gulp, girl dealers. So do yourself a favor if you are hammered stick to the bar or hand your wallet off to someone else and watch them play…or pull an Iverson and urinate in a trash can. Believe me,  you and your wallet will thank me.

1. 16.   EAT!!!!- One of the worst things you can do as a player is gamble on an empty stomach because not only will you become tired, but you’ll become agitated, impatient and start playing more aggressively than you would otherwise. My advice is that you if you start to feel that hunger coming on, take a break when the cards start to cool a bit and head to the buffet or restaurant and eat hearty (not too hearty cause the last thing you want is to feel slow when important calls need to be made at the table).

1. 17.   BEWARE THE COOLER!- We’ve all been there, the table is going well, everyone is happy, winning and there is enough energy at the table to power Vegas (or at least a small fan) for two days. And then it happens, your dealer who is paying off like crazy gets that icy tap on his shoulder. When the dealer change occurs one of two things happens, the dealer will either burn one card or continue to deal the deck as is, but either way THE CARDS CHANGE!! Don’t ask me where the logic is with respect to the latter, but it happens (either because people play differently out of fear with the dealer or the icy dealer somehow manages to freeze time and change all the cards in the shoe). My advice therefore, is don’t necessary leave when the new dealer arrives, but play ultra conservative (i.e. don’t up your bet) and watch what happens. If it gets frosty in hurry grab your chips, wish everyone at the table luck, give a stern fist shake to the dealer and get the hell out of dodge.

1. 18.   KNOW WHEN ITS YOUR NIGHT AND WHEN IT IS NOT- Really this rule should have been number one because if you can understand it and have the discipline to understand it you will save yourself a lot of pain and a lot of coin. Why? Well if you are anything like me you will know within the first 5-7 hands if you are going to be up on the night. If those hands go well, you are in for a good night. If however they go bad and you find yourself getting beaten on winning hands and/or the dealer is a picaso when it comes to turning 6s into 21s (the ol’ 6,5,5,5 is the worst), then do the smart thing and bet small for the rest of the night, or better yet chalk it up to being a bad night. Trust me it is better to quit while you’re ahead, then making repeated trips to your wallet and/or the bank machine and losing badly (and yes I meant to write that, leaving down only a little is ahead compared to being down much more). In sum, knowing when to hold them and knowing when to fold them, is not just applicable to the cards in your hand, but rather some nights on the whole.

1. 19.   ASK PERMISSION BEFORE JUMPING ONTO A HOT TABLE- If you are looking for a spot to play and you see a table having a good time and winning large DO NOT just jump in because there’s an empty seat. Respect the game and respect the other players at the table. If the shoe is beefy, ask the players if it is ok that you join, this will not only maintain the good vibes at the table, but will not make you feel bad should the cards take a turn for the worse. If the shoe is almost done, don’t’ even ask, just let the players who are a run play on and wait for the next shoe to enter in. In sum, the gambling gods will appreciate your courtesy, Karma will be on your side and the players at the table will appreciate you. Running afoul of all three of these will result in a greed laced downward spiral and certain doom.

1. 20.   BEWARE OF JUMPERS- Unfortunately not everyone follows rule 19, so you have to keep your guard up for people looking to get in quick and ride your table’s coat tails. And sometimes there is no harm in this, but if this quick entrants, turn into quick exitors after winning  a hand or two there could be problems. Cards change and nothing changes cards quicker then people jumping in playing a one or two hands and bouncing out. As such, unless you play at a table which protects against mid-shoe entries (and usually this is reserved for high stakes tables) you have must keep a constant vigil on not only what’s in front of you, but what’s behind you as well (a difficult task, but no one said gambling was easy). As such I would recommend keeping an eye on all those who troll around your table, especially the high school/university kids thrilled to win 20 dollars, and keep your guard up. If they suddenly pop in and you can tell they are holding a light stack and/or goof-offs who likely don’t know how to play you can either ask them to please wait a few hands or just sit out and wait for them to leave. Worst case scenario they will win or lose 20-40 dollars and be on their way.

1. 21.   WASH YOUR HANDS- What do you get when you mix the excitement of gambling, free drinks at the table, biological needs and people with questionable hygene practices together? You get urine soaked chips. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen dudes rushing out of the bathroom after they take a  piss at the Casino without washing there hands. It’s like the bathroom is on fire and they cannot take a second to douse themselves with some hot water and soap. It is downright nasty, no other way to put it. To help alleviate this problem, which is certainly a health hazard if you mulitiple all the trips to the bathroom by the number of times your chips have changed hands, Casino’s have even started installing Purell stations but still people blow past these like yellow lights. I have no idea what is causing to check their hygene at the door, but please people WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS!! And if you watch someone leave the bathroom without doing so (at the Casino or otherwise) chase these people out of the bathroom and exclaim for all to hear that “THIS SICKO DID NOT WASH HIS DAMN HANDS!!!!” Shame is a terrific motivator, maybe even the best.

1. 22.   SPREAD THE WEALTH- When you win a big hand in some statisiscally against the way manner, do yourself a favor and spread some of these winnings around. And while I am not advocating do things and day to day hands, but if you say, hit a big jackpot, win a big prize at Carribean stud (4 of a kind or higher), make some crazy coin at let it ride poker etc. , show your gratitude by helping out the less fortunate around (and in so doing paying tribute to the gambling gods). And while you might be one of those people who thinks its an empty gesture, I can assure you that you are mistaken. For example, when I hit a four of kind in Caribbean Stud a couple of years ago I got paid about 1000 dollars. Of that thousand I paid 25 dollars to each of my fellow players. By doing this I was not only paying it forward, but showing my gratitude for such a fortuitous event. Last year my luck at Carribean Stud continue  straight flush about a year ago in Caribbean Stud it paid out about 7700 dollars and I immediately paid each of my players 50 dollars a piece. Were the two events 100% connected, probably not, but it felt good too do it, and like most things in life Karma probably had a big hand in it. Furthermore, last week I was beside a guy who hit 3 7s of the same suit in blackjack which paid him a cool 5Gs and you know what happened? He immediately paid everyone at the table 50 bucks each. What goes around comes around..one way or another. And while the doubters doubt I promise you Karma is a more surer law than gravity…especially at the gaming house.

1. 23.   DON’T BE AFRAID TO TELL A MORON THEY ARE PLAYING BADLY- While this point may seem to go against everything I have peppered I this entry about Karma, it actually really doesn’t. At least this is the way I figure it because in a way calling someone out and telling them they are making terrible play is actually a benevolent act in the long run. How you say? Well by cluing this current moron onto the fact that they are playing moronically, you are hopefully saving said moron from losing many of his moronic dollars in the future. Furthermore, speaking up against stupidity will also help save the rest of your table from a dude whose play is costing them money as well and help them to confront someone they might not be able to themselves. Its like being a modern day Rosa Parks or the white girl from the Help who writes that book, because stupidity no matter its form must be boldly confronted head on.

1. 24.   PLAY GAMES YOU KNOW (OR AT THE VERY LEAST AREN”T AFRAID TO ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT)- Occasionally you will see a group of people laughing, having a great time, winning big stacks and think, “wow that looks like fun.” But before you do make sure you are at least somewhat familiar with how the game works  before you do. I know this make seem like an obvious thing to preach but I remember there are times when I have seen people think Aces are low and muck their hands (poker), forfeit their winnings because they did not place their cards in the appropriate places (paigow), bust on hands they should not have hit (black jack) and attempt to play because a group of Asian were betting their life savings on and it seemed like a sure thing to join in (Bakarat). In sum then, please save yourself some coin and only play games you at least have a working knowledge of. However if you are deadest on trying something new without how to play, at least make sure you are comfortable enough to ask the dealer how to play then hand. I myself still ask the dealer what the house way is in Paigow (although I often play against said house way).

1. 25.   REMEMBER IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN- I know when you’re getting pissed at dealers, losing it on fellow players, trying to avoid contracting E-bola in the bathroom and getting dirtied on hands you are supposed to  win that’s it hard to remember what going to the casino is all about, having fun. Its not about making money, well at least serious money, because if you want to do that there are wayyy easier and surer ways to do that (buying APPLE, GOOGLE and then selling them every time they go up 10% is an example). Unless you are a person who considers gambling their profession AND are consistently good at it (this second aspect is often overlooked), there is no reason for you to be betting huge sums of money and/or getting super pissed when you lose. As such if you are going to the Casino consider it a night out playing fun and engaging activities, no your limits  and stop when it stops being fun and/or you have reach your limits. That’s it. That’s what gambling should be about. If you can do that I promise you will have nothing but positive memories about your gambling experiences….until of course some moron decides to double down his 12 against a six and pulls the dealer’s break card. Then it’s on!!

BONUS RULE- NEVER PLAY WITH WINNINGS-  Say you start one day with 200 and turn that 200 into 400. Whatever you do DO NOT start your next casino adventure with 400!!!! Instead throw that two hundred into the bank, buy stock, buy your girl something nice or even burn it for warmth, but never ever play with money you consider “winnings” as it will only compromise your judgment, cause you to play in spots you do not want to and be the catalyst that causes you to lose the entire amount of money (in this case 200 start and 200 profit). I therefore emplore with every fibre of my being not to play with so-called winnings as losing it is a mathematical and universal certainty.

See You At the Tables…..

A few days ago, mysteriously still employed sportswritter Rick Reilly composed a piece about why Lebron James doesn’t deserve public scorn as he is in Reilly’s estimation a “Selfless Hoops Genius.” The piece made me want to throw up and although I do not wish for you to throw up as well it can be found here (PLEASE USE CAUTION AFTER CLICKING)  http://espn.go.com/espn/story/_/id/8011587/lebron-being-lebron. After choking back the last few drops of my vomit, I calmly (or as calmly as I could) composed a reply to Reilly’s terrible piece and I have attached it here..

Enjoy..

Hello Rick,

I just read your LeBron column and could not have been more disappointed. While I am usually disappointed after reading your work, today’s piece was particularly un-funny and ignorant.

It was un-funny because as usual you are out of touch with what ESPN’s main demographic finds humourous. You are the type of writer one’s grandmother might have found funny years ago find funny but no one under the age of 40 will find you slightly amusing (I suspect this is why one is not allowed to leave comments below your work, while J.A. Adande and Jackie McMullan pieces are freely available for comment). But that is you and has been for some time.

Your ignorance today however, is what really sets this piece apart from your already disappointing body of work. First of all, the only reason you and other members of your profession are all over LeBron James is because you’re (excuse my language) “Star Fuckers” and because LeBron gives you access you want to gloss over his on-court achievements (or lack their-of) and his off-court behaviour  (plus you and your bosses don’t want to pen the truth about LeBron for fear of a blackout similar to when Jordan blacked out SI for telling him to bag it).

The fact remains that people do not like LeBron for no reason, because there are plenty of reasons not to. He is selfish, spoiled ingrate who abandoned his fans/fanbase to take the coward’s way out and tried to find the short cut to winning a championship. And while you are correct in your statement that everyone has the right to do so, what really troubles fans is not just that he did this in the most obnoxious way, but that you and your peers continue to annoint him as the king of basketball. Not only has LeBron not won a title in 9 years despite being given every advantage from both the media and GMs who fall over backwards to cater to this guy, but he is not even one of the top two basketball players playing the game right now, so why the hype?

Because Kobe Bryant’s accolades and tenaciousness speak for themselves, I will make the case for why Kevin Durant is better player and a leader both on and off the court.

Kevin Durant is not only younger then Lebron, but is putting up numbers at a much higher clip then Lebron ever did (save assists and steals) so from a statistical stand point alone he is the better ball player. With respect to on court leadership, despite being much younger than LeBron he has been able to work with what his team has assembled around him and has brought his team to the cusp of beating what you and the rest of the mainsteam media were dubbing the greatest team of all time just a week ago, so here too he is the superior ball player. And finally with respect to being a leader off the court, well his actions speak for themselves. He inspires his teammates, takes less money to be true to his endorsements, and quietly shows gratitude to the team and fanbase that made him a star by signing a long-term deal when he didn’t have to. That is what being a superstar is all about, it takes that kind of leadership Mr. Reilly.

So while you and your peers might continue to spin stories about giving Lebron a break and why does the public hate him so, well part of the reason has to do with you. You continue to spin unoriginal falsehoods about the “King of Basketball” while paying tribute to him in the form of MVP trophies and the like, despite the facts.

Win or lose Kevin Durant is the superior basketball player(and of course Kobe Bryant already is), but if he wins a ring this year there should be no debate. Usually the general public is chastized for allowing bogus things to go unchecked (i.e. Howard Stern, Family Guy, Adam Sandler, Your Columns), but in this case they have got it absolutely right.

Stop trying to cram Lebron James down our throats.

Samir

www.hundyspot.com

After another not-so-great outing at the local ‘sino I found myself rightfully angry with myself for making the same bone-headed blunders I swore I would never make again. These blunders however, are not what you think, as they have they have nothing to do with how I play my hands at the table. Rather these mistakes are violations of basic tenets I have crafted for myself about how I should comport myself within the environment of the casino.

After having been playing since I was 18, and despite the fact that I still consider myself “up” in the long-run (due to some major luck at the Caribbean stud table..I have luckily won  all the prizes save the Royal Flush), these rules have been crafted from years of pain. I hope that you will take these lessons to heart as I hope to now that they are somewhat codified..

Enjoy and PLEASE GAME RESPONSIBLY

THE RULES

1. NEVER PLAY AT A TABLE WITH A GIRL DEALER- NEVER EVER EVER, it is not just that I have some superstition against girl dealers, but there is also real science/logic behind why you shouldn’t. Girl dealers attract low-lifes, drunks and basically people who don’t know how to play and just want to run their mouths and try to run some lame-ass game rather than follow basic strategy or basic common sense. So in sum, if she’s got tits, she ain’t paying out chips. STAY AWAY.

1. IF THE TABLE HAS BAD ENERGY OR YOU ARE NOT FEELING IT, LEAVE TABLE- never listen to people who say each hand is independent or that there is no higher power at work at the gaming table. These people are wrong and if you look at their stacks have done in the long-run following the atheist approach to gambling you will see that I’m right. Just like sports energy and momentum is everything, so if the table is packed with douche bags, or everyone is expecting to lose or people are pissed off, do yourself a favour and get up and move to another table. Unlike your spouse you are not married to any table and should feel free to leave at anytime. Casino’s get you by getting you to stay when you don’t want  to be there, so get up and walk at any time.

1. AS SOON AS SOMEONE MAKES A BONEHEAD MOVE, LEAVE TABLE- I cannot underscore this enough, if a player makes a stupid head scratching call like hitting a13 or higher against a bust-card, splitting tens, splitting 5s, doubling 12 against 6s (YES I HAVE SEEN ALL OF THESE>>>AND MORE!!! L) do yourself a favor and get yourself the fuck out of there as fast as possible. Yes I can even concede to even the atheist of gambling that the cards are independent (well actually I don’t agree with this, fuck that every card counts), over time these bad plays add up and they will only increasingly happen when you need them to happen the least (i.e. when you’ve got 20s and/or the dealer has 5 or 6 and you get dirtied by that guys’ stupidity.

1. NEVER CUT THE DECK- Best case scenario is the deck will go well, but more likely is it will go bad and you will spend the entire shoe feeling guilty and have to weather storm of bad looks and comments like “who cut that shoe” from other players.  Plus for whatever reason I just have had bad luck with it, its like putting your hands on a conference trophy, it jinxes you or something.

1. NEVER PLAY AT A SUSPICIOUSLY EMPTY TABLE- I know how it is even though the casino is packed and you and your friends are desperately looking for a table and you see one empty in the distance, inviting you…but still you must not go. Because just like an oasis in the barren chaos, it will most likely turn out to be a mirage. Ok enough with the metaphors, that table is empty for a reason, the dealer most likely just got through pounding everyone’s dick in and the cards are still messed. STAY AWAY.

1. ALWAYS TIP THE DRINK GIRL- its just Karma. The gambling Gods will not reward you with good cards if you can’t spare a 50 cent piece or a buck to the poor person who has to hump the drink-cart.

1. ALWAYS TIP THE DEALER IF ITS GOING GOOD- cards can change in an instant, you need all the positive energy you can get, even if its from the guy handling the cards. So if its going good tip, again its Karma, but a lot of times unless he’s a dick the dealer will pull for you because like you he’s also working for the man (and more likely than not you are too). So if he rewards you, you do the same..its just good business.

1. IF YOU’RE DOWN AND MIRACULOUSLY RALLY BACK TO EVEN, LEAVE GAMING HOUSE- we’ve all been there, down a ton after a bad night, but than suddenly the cards turn and you go on a hot run packed with splits that can’t miss and double downs that turn into 21s. You get back to even on the night, and think “how much further can I push this?” Well the simple answer is don’t. If the gambling Gods were merciful enough to let you get back to even, or even plus your food and drink expenses on the night, take it as a sign of their good will and get the hell outta there.  If you push it its like spitting in their face with your ungracious saliva and the last thing the Gambling Gods is to be spat at.

1. DON’T KEEP THE UP-BET UP-ED AFTER A PUSH- while I always advise to play with the same denominations, occationally after your 17 beats the dealer hand that was showing the 10 you might feel frisky and wanna up your bet by 5or ten dollars. And while there’s nothing wrong with that, if you are dealt a hand that pushes against a deal (20 and the deal get 20) or a painful push against a deal (you’ve got 19 and the dealer works his 6 into a 19), IMMEDIATELY LOWER YOUR BET BACK!!!! I have been gambling since I was 18 (so about 13 years now) and I have never seen a victory come after this kind of push. Be smart and do the Paul Pierce step back and fire away only with your previous regular bet.

1. 10.   FOLLOW BASIC STRATEGY TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY- Basic strategy is what it is, it’s the mathematically best way to play the percentages at blackjack developed by a bunch of nerds at M.I.T long ago. And while I like to play with feel in terms of my environment and the way I bet sometimes, it’s important to still put yourself in the best position to win, which is of course by following the numbers…and of course who knows the numbers better than a bunch of M.I.T. nerds. So do yourself a favour and memorize basic strategy or failing that get a little chart to prop down next to you or don’t be afraid to ask the dealer to ask the pit-boss to check his chart, they are there standing around getting paid so they might as well be good for something. HOWEVER, even if you don’t wish to follow-basic strategy to the tee on the toss up hands(I myself have the fatal flaw of not remembering whether to hit the 12 against three or the 13 against the two…don’t try and tell me it is just something I will never know…please), the key is playing consistently, so if you never hit that particular hand, just remember to never hit it ever. EVER!!!

1. 11.   NEVER COUNT YOUR MONEY/WINNINGS WHILE PLAYING- to do this is akin to laughing at the gambling goods for all the money you have stolen from them. If you must count do so while the cards are being changed or you are on a break, but never at the table. If you do decide to do it anyway, you will be brought back to Earth and quickly have no chips to count. That is a sad quick count indeed.

1. 12.   NEVER PLAY WITH A TIME CRUNCH- Not only is this true if you are supposed to be somewhere or meeting someone in the near future, but is ESPECIALLY TRUE if someone like your spouse or girlfriend is waiting for you in the Casino. If you are playing with a looming deadline or forcing your significant other  to have to wait longer, you will only become frantic and make erratic moves you would otherwise not make. And as bad as the negative consequences that come from frantic play are, they pale in comparison to the bad karma you bring in but trying to eek out a couple of extra hands despite your pre-determined commitments, or worse pissing off your loved ones. As such take a tip, if you have some place to be in the near future and/or someone is waiting on you, cut your play take a minute to grab a drink (or grab them a drink) and leave early.

1. 13.   NEVER PLAY ON PACKED NIGHT- This one is easier said then done especially when you have made plans and gotten dressed up for a night at the casino. Who wants to go all the way there, get food, watch everyone play and then not play yourself right? However, as tough as it is resist the urge as packed nights (usually Friday and Saturday) means higher table minimums and longer waits for games you want which causes you to want to stay at the table even if its not going good. My advice therefore is that if it’s a packed nights, take in the sights, grab some drinks, grab some food and only gamble with smaller amounts at games that aren’t usually so packed and your money lasts longer (i.e. Paigow).

1. 14.   NEVER TRY AND GAME AT THE END OF A NIGHT OUT- I know its tempting, the bar is closing, your still having a great time ballin’ out with your friends, you want the night to keep going and you figure, “hey the Casino is open 24hrs?” BAD IDEA. If you want the night to keep going, grab some food, find an after hours spot, go back to your friend’s house…hell even ringing doorbells is a more constructive activity then attempting to end a night out on a good note with the Casino. I have done this more times than I can remember and it has only worked out once (on a New Years’ a couple years back). ONCE. I don’t know what it is that makes the nights end badly at the Casino, but it never works out. Oh wait, I know exactly why it doesn’t work out….

1. 15.   NEVER PLAY WHILE INTOXICATED- I may not know much in this life, but if I know one thing for absolute certainty it is that ALCOHOL AND GAMBLING DO NOT MIX. And I am not even talking about games like poker that require your constant attention and your ability to hide your emotions, even in games like black jack when all you are doing is following basic strategy while playing (or at least you should be), your play is significantly compromised. Why you ask? Well with alcohol lowering your inhabitions you will find yourself wildly changing your bets, staying at crappy tables with bad players and even winding up at tables with, gulp, girl dealers. So do yourself a favor if you are hammered stick to the bar or hand your wallet off to someone else and watch them play…or pull an Iverson and urinate in a trash can. Believe me,  you and your wallet will thank me.

Recently, former NBA role player Steve Kerr wrote a piece for Bill Simmons’ GRANTLAND sports and pop culture website http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7883540/steve-kerr-problems-age-limit-nba where he attempted to make the case for the NBA raising its current age limit of 19 to 20. The piece uses many different arguments in its attempt to convince the reader why the league, its players and fans would all be better off with the raised age limit. However, while he tries to make arguments which appeal to the reader’s sense of decency like ‘sense of team’ and ‘mentoring’, Kerr eventually drops the façade, drops these points, tramples on arguments centred around protecting players civil liberties and declares that the NBA is all about the dollar and that “The NBA should only care about running its operation the best it can.”

In this piece I will look at some of the arguments made by Kerr and of course the other half baked arguments that have become popular for raising the draft age to 20. And then categorically debunk them. The purpose of this exercise is to demonstrate that raising the draft age is not only not the best way to make the NBA as a product better, but doing so is just an exercise in futility which allows incompetent owners and team managers like Steve Kerr to continually make bad front office decisions while blaming others for their problems.  And while Steve Kerr was shown the door before he could convince management that the Boogey-Man was responsible for Phoenix’s prompt down turn upon is arrival, there are still plenty of GMs looking for scapegoats so without further ado,  to business…

Player Maturity, Player Development, Sense of Team, Mentoring, Young Players Dun Took Our Jobs etc.

Unlike Steve Kerr I don’t get paid by the letter, so I will loop together the most popular arguments on young players lacking skills and maturity if they enter the league too early and that somehow raising the age limit from 19-to-20 will cure all the underperforming headcases in the NBA into one analysis.

With respect to lacking skills, what age limit proponents forget to mention is that the game’s most popular, skilled and team leaders are all guys who entered the league after high school or one year of college. Lebron James, Zach Randolph, Derrick Rose, Kevin Durant, Carmelo Anthony, Amar’e Stoudamire, Dwight Howard,  Trace McGrady, Jermaine O’Neal, Tyson Chandler, Al Harrington, Al Jefferson, Andrew Bynum, John Wall, Mike Conely, Kendrick Perkin, Monta Ellis, Josh Smith and Kobe Bryant are all players who either played no or only one year of college basketball. And you know what? THESE GUYS RULE THE LEAGUE!!!

I will never get this aspect of the age-limit argument that high school players or one year guys are somehow lacking in skills. In fact, I reviewed the list of high school players drafted into the NBA, and the majority of them have been notable players in the league, totally in line (if not superseding )the late-great-not-really-late Jerry West’s 51% wellness standard for good drafting.

In sum anyone who makes the argument that high school players or even guys who leave college after a year cannot have the same basketball skill set as other players are totally full of it, you should never buy what they are selling and if any GM truly believes this they will sooner or later surely join Steve Kerr on the unemployment line.  

With respect to the lack of maturity or sense of team absence, this argument is somewhat more plausible to buy into due to the fact that young people are for the most part less mature then older people due the latter group having more life experience and stabilized emotions. However, it is also a fact that no matter how old your players are you are never going to have an organization as large as the NBA that will ever be free from immature headcases like Ron Artest or Dennis Rodman. Furthermore, to say that people who are only one or two years older will be leaps and bounds more mature than younger counter parts is far less persuasive of an argument than to say the difference in maturity level between a 19 years old and a 20 year old would only be incrementally higher. Therefore, to me the difference in maturity level between a 19 and a 20 year old, or an 18 and 20 year old, on average, is negligible. However, even if you disagree with me, and you (like Steve Kerr) believe that players are need to be around older people and mentors at a young age for maturity purposes, what better place is there then the NBA when they can learn from older players in the league and be mentored by one of the many former players often given cushy front office jobs? Since more often than not they screw things up on the management end, if you are concerned with developing a mentor-protégé relationship (which mind you can last far longer than even 4 years with a college coach), let these former players  who are busy running franchises into the ground, take a step back and mentor these young guys. Its win-win.

Finally, while the “sense of team” might seem on the surface again might seem like a decent reason to force players to stay in college longer, the fact that young players have the opportunity to play 4 years of high school ball in addition to the obvious fact that they can build a sense of team with their new NBA teammates, which in the vast majority of cases (especially with the new CBA) will be much longer then 2 or 3 years of college. Furthermore, as for the argument that AAU teams do not adequately foster a sense of team, that is not only highly debatable, but even if people like Steve Kerr question the system, why not pen a critique or actively try and change the rules of that system instead of forcing extra unpaid and ultimately financially unfruitful years on up-and-coming players, many of whom are from impoverished backgrounds.

And speaking of financials…

Marketing Costs, Financial Costs…THE ALL MIGHTY DOLLAR $$$$$$$

In the movie Casino, Joe Pecsi’s character Nicky Santoro has a great line which encapsulates the essence of almost every thing or every “reality” we are exposed today, “it’s about the dollars. It’s always about the fucking dollars.” And of course the NBA is no different. Even after Steve Kerr and the other pro-college pundits try and pull at your heart strings by saying that the young players are missing out on college life, sense of team, acquiring maturity blah blah blah etc. they will eventually  cop to the fact that what it boils down to is money (and of course, Steve Kerr is no exception). And probe a little deeper and you will see that what it is really about, and its simply keeping fat cats fat even if that means stepping on the civil liberties and financial security of the players that are responsible for keeping these fat cats fat and giggly in the first place.

However, while we as a society have accepted the fact that those who have will always seek to keep their gravy trains running on time, there are several reasons why even from a business perspective forcing young players to remain in college is not the best way to maximize fat cat dollars, present or future.  

Astonishing you say? Well here is why…

One of the biggest problems with the current debate about the age-limit is that it allows GMs and other front office persons an excuse for doing their jobs badly when things go wrong. Steve Kerr and others who share his view postulate that having an extra year to watch kids in college will allow them to watch players for an extra year and make better decisions. However, whether or not this is true is of little consequence due to the fact that the front office brass should be able to make the same informed decisions and do the same required background research on most prospects the way past NBA executives have had to make for years. Thus the real reason brass push for the age-limit is because they want an opportunity to make their cushy jobs even more so, and have an extra year to saunter through an evaluation process that other competent executives have done for years. I’m sorry but for the money being made in front offices around the league, decisions should be made efficiently and executives should be held accountable. Obviously if some GMs are keeping their jobs for years on end some people are able to cope with the demands of the jobs and make their teams in to winners and thus  it should be survival of the fittest. In sum, keeping the current draft age-limit, or even putting it back to 18, will keep front office personnel sharp, force them to do their jobs efficiently and keep them accountable.

Building on the last point, there is also another reason why raising the draft limit will not help the NBA from a business perspective and it is because it will not help cure or help prevent the culture of nepotism and “cronism” which has infested front-offices league wide(and sadly, not just in the NBA). In fact, keeping the draft limit where it is will help put the spotlight back on NBA front office and make sure people are not just hired because of who their daddy is, what frat they belonged to and, in the case of former players who are way under-qualified from a business and sports management standpoint to be in the front office anyway, how big of a local hero they might be. Clearing house and making sure you have qualified people able to meet the demands of tighter scouting, recruiting and the resulting evaluation process will do much more for improving the NBA business as a whole then raising the draft limit ever could.

With respect to the interest generating and or marketing argument I am going to dispel that very quickly  as hogwash for the simple reason that while there was indeed tremendous anticipation for talented guys like Patrick Ewing when they entered the league, you cannot convince me or anyone that talented guys like Lebron James did not generate equally is not more interest when they entered the league (he was getting guys like Shaq to come down watch him in high school, while also appearing on the cover of SI so give me a break). Further, even if some people are willing to concede that the press might have been greater for college vets entering the league back in the day, that means nothing because again, all of the leagues best players today, the super-duper stars, the guys that move the jerseys, make the headlines and sell out the games, are mostly perp-to-pro guys or one and dones. The list is huge, so give me a break with the losing out on marketing argument.

With respect to the argument that younger players do not put up numbers right away similar to how past greats like Jordan, Magic and Bird did in their rookie years, the fact that most new players do not is a fair point. However, not only were those guys were three of the all-times greatest players ever, but  players today be they high school phenoms or college vets do not put up rookie numbers like that simply because the game has changed and the minutes are simply not there for rookies as more time is usually spent on development in the first year. However, if you take the second year numbers from some of the best players today like Kevin Durant or Lebron James for example, their numbers are as good if not better then those put up by even said Dream Team All-Stars. And what does this mean from a business stand point? Well it means that in terms of age v. production, the younger guys today are able to produce at comparable (if not better) rates much earlier then guys who would still be in college under the proposed new age limit. So really, on average GMs would be coming out ahead. Still don’t believe me, well look at the facts…

For example, Michael Jordan was 21 when he entered the NBA and, admittedly he put up fantastic numbers right away.

However, Lebron James was 18 when he entered the league and by 19 he put up similar numbers to Jordan

And it isn’t just a phenom like Lebron, the trend is also visible when you look at the end year numbers of other guys like Carmelo Anthony and Kevin Durant

Carmelo Anthony 2^nd year

*rookie year bonus

Kevin Durant 2^nd year

Therefore, if there were no draft limit, teams would be able to utilize these eye pop numbers and the skills of young stars right away and two to three years earlier.  And of course that added jump spike in numbers who obviously correlate to more team interest, higher ticket sales, better tv deals, increased jersey sales, sponsorship deals and eventually wins (which further multiplies everything) much sooner. Therefore, why keep your golden goose on the shelf when it is ready to lay eggs right away, or at least much sooner. 

Lastly, even if all the other reasons and examples are wrong, and bottom-lines were actually effected by players playing in college, is enacting legislation forcing them against their wills and/or civil liberties the best way to accomplish this? Won’t you just get an increasing amount of players complaining that you are treating them like property and not human being (oh wait, this is happening now? Shit)? Won’t this in turn lead to ugly, contentious, and non-interest based negotiations with the very player that make your league and put money in your pocket(oh wait, this also just happened? Double Shit)?  Aren’t you going to have to make a worse deal and suffer a longer then necessary work stoppage then you otherwise would have if these terrible feelings never existed(oh wait, this is precisely what happened? Triple Shit)?

Won’t all of these things ultimately affect your bottom line (I know, SHIT)?

Simply, put instead of trying to force your erroneous convictions about raising the draft limit on a group of players  who again, the majority of which come from impoverished background and are desperate to help their families, why not just work with the NCAA to change their rules on paying players so that players have an actually have an incentive to stay in college and have a real free choice about going to college or playing in the NBA (it is also a great and overdue business decision for the NCAA because they will be able to hang on to kids longer and avoid the scandals which seemingly give them and the college teams they represent  a different blackeye everyday). With respect to payment I am not advocating paying the players a ton of money at the college level, just a stipend amount (maybe 500-1000 dollars a month) so that they are even minimally financially compensate for their efforts and are able to develop a sense of responsibility and  self-worth early on. These feelings of fairness will help to avoid the us-against them mentality which currently exists between players and owners (not just in the NBA but in other leagues as well), and thus eliminate many of the roadblocks based on personal conflicts which hold up negotiations, and ultimately keep the gravy train from running on time.

In sum, I have prepared a point by point counterargument aimed not a just Steve Kerr, but to all those who think that a higher draft age will magically cure all of the ills plaguing the NBA. Ultimately attempting to whitewash a problem very rarely works, and in this instance with respect to the NBA it is notdifferent. The NBA is riddled with a variety of different problems keeping it from realizing its true potential both from a business and non-business standpoint, and as is often the case bad management is the problem. As a whole we are culture that shirks responsibility, than looks for excuses/the scapegoat and than the quick fix to larger underlying problems. Unfortunately, these quick fixes never work, but are merely patch jobs until the problems either rears its ugly head again or gets worse. Unless, the NBA actually looks at the root causes holding it back, only time will tell if the higher draft limit is the former or the latter.

One of the great joys in my life is watching my friend Ryan hit the ceiling with some of the outlandish things I say. He accuses me of having “Cartman’s memory”, which if you have seen the South Park episode spoofing Kanye West, is quite the indictment. However, while I might do cop to saying pretty outlandish things because I am right so often I think I am justified in the manner in which I carry myself, even if the end result is my friend Ryan having a stroke by the time he is 35.

In any event, here is a list of some of the prominent events, trends or just plain”calls” I have made over the past few years. Some of the calls I have made which have yet to come to fruition (but that I GUARANTEE will happen) I will post in coming days. The list is not complete, but I will continue to update it as time goes by/I can remember more things. Enjoy

COME TO PASS CALLS THAT I HAVE MADE

-The 2011 Giants would beat the top ranked Green Bay Packers ( I have the gambling slips to prove)

-The 2011 Giants would win the Superbowl (ditto)

-Jeremy Lin’s success was temporary (ready my entry a few months back)

-Terrence Newman was terrible and needed to be cut (I even wrote Jerry Jones an impassioned letter as a fan back in 2003 or 2004)

-The Bacehlor as a show is racist as fuck (not only does it not feature a minority in the leading role, but minorities never make it far in the competition)

-Apple Stock would blow up (made this call in 2007 before the release of the IPOD and told everybody, sadly as student I had no money to invest)

-NetFlix would blow up after hitting a low of 68 dollars a share in 2011 (although after clawing its way back to 130 the stock slipped, luckily I sold my fifty shares at around 110)

-Beats-Audio headphones would blow up

-Lady Gaga would become a huge star (called this before her Ms. Universe appearance a few years ago)

-Rhianna would be a big star (said this back in 2005 when Jay-Z introduced her along simultaneously with some other girl. I don’ t know what happened with that other chick, but I wonder sometimes).

-Mixing Rap Artists with dance beats was a winning combination

-Tiger Woods has a phoney personality, would never break Jack Nichlaus’ record for Majors and was finished after the incident with his car and his wife (despite the hackiness of sports writers who pushed his brand, he was actually finished the year before)

-Brett Favre was a phoney and the most overrated athlete ever (even my friend Ry will attest that I called this as far back as the early 2000s)

-Building a frnachise around a “Mobile” Quarterback is the stupidest decision one could ever make (both in fantasy and real life) as NFL success is dependant on pocket passing, making good decisions and staying healthy.

-Kristen Weig is the funniest woman alive and everyone will know it (called a couple years back).

-Adam Sandler is the most un-original and un-funniest person alive and his sweeping of the Razzies and string of terrible movies should attest to this (forget Stonehenge, how he still makes movies and get paid millions of dollars for it is the World’s greatest mystery).

-Will Ferrell is almost as untalented and unfunny as Adam Sandler (called this many years ago and his ranking as the most unbankable movie star in the World last year or the year before is proof positive).

-Untalented hacks like Sandler and Farrell will continue to stay current by latching on to actually funny people only to suck them down as well (Chris Rock in Grown Ups, Seth Rogan in Frunny People, John Header in Blades of Glory etc.)

-We would see a rise in movies that being at the end (or near end) of the film’s story (there was a rash of these around the time of the Hangover)

-Heath Ledger would win best supporting actor (called this months before the Dark Knight came out)

-Rosie O’Donnell sucked, was overpaid and about to be flushed out of show business

-Keith Oberman (see Rosie Above)

-Peyton Manning was done in Indy (called this right when it was announced he was gone for the season and the Colts were tanking)

-Conan O’Brien would fail miserably  in his role as Tonight Show host

-Jay Leno despite his detractors would return as the King of Late Night (rating don’t lie Ryan)

-The Tim Tebow fad would not last

-The Playboy Club would fail miserably

-SNL despite its recent bout with losing cast members would return to prominence due to its case being one of the best of all time (With Kristen Weig’s impending departure though this might not remain true. Plus the writing has gone to shit recently).

-The Miami Heat would not win the title in 2011

-The Jonas Brothers would not last long in the music business (I know I know, who are the Jonas broehters right?)

-Amy Winehouse dies (everyone called this I guess)

-Whitney Houston dies (again a sad ditto)

-Anna Nicole Smith dies (ok this is getting sad)

-Martin Bashear is responsible for the Death of Michael Jackson (not much debate here, he underhandedly pushed a weak man over the edge)

-Sandra Bullock was an idiot to marry a scumbag like Jesse James

-Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johanssen’s marriage would not last

-Ashton Kutcher’s marriage to Demi Moore would never last (anyone who thought they would be parried past her turning 55 is mentally ill)

-Kim Kardashian and Blake Griffen’s  Kris Humphris’ marriage would never last (I didn’t see 70 something days though)

-Jennifer Aniston will continue to ride public sympathy into far more fame and movie roles then she deserves (I didn’t think all her movies be this terrible though)

-Taylor Swift will continue to ride public sympathy into far more fame and music albums then she deserves (I didn’t think all her songs would sound the same though)

-Boxing despite seeing a resurgence in popularity would continue to be ignored by the sports media who would rather push a real sport like golf on us  (Floyd’s numbers this weekend both in terms of record setting guaranteed purse and pay-per-views buys are proof positive of this sad trend/call).

-Lebron James being able to call himself the King without actually winning any titles could only last so long (I have no idea how he lasted 7 years in the league

-Avatar was going to be one of the biggest movies ever (despite several media outlets and my friend Ry betting against it).

-Inception would be a massive hit (I also called in the theatre that his ring indicates what is real and what is dream)

-2011 would be one of the worst summer for movies ever (called this before it kicked off, but the audience is only to blame. Unless we stop going to see trash like Grown Ups, Jack and Jill, cash grab sequels, cash grab comic book sequels and super-cash grab movies which are deliberately broken in two just to squeeze out every last drop from movie goers (Harry Potter Deathly Hallows and Breaking Dawn) we will only continue to be inundated with terrible selection and awful movies).

-Despite movies being terrible of late, we are in an absolute golden age of television (this isn’t really a call as it is a fact. A gloooorious fact. So tay home and watch tv until movie makers get their fucking act together).