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NFL WEEK 9 and 10 THOUGHTS AND WEEK 11 PICKS

My apologies for being MIA for the last couple of weeks but I was busy getting married. Due to time constraints and the fact that weeks 9 and 10 are probably a distant memory I will only cover select games over these periods (my apologies to anyone from Cleveland, Jacksonville, Buffalo, KC or Indy).

To the recaps….

Week 9

Seattle v. Dallas (13 v. 23)

Dallas climbed was back from the gutter (and brought someone with them-Simpsons Reference) as they beat up on the Seahawks at home to get back to .500. While this was a solid win for my beloved Cowboys, I am sorry to say the stink from the shilacking they took at the hands of the Eagles is still there as that loss was downright embarrassing.

Miami v. KC (31-3)

Easily the upset of the week. I know KC is one of my 4 all-time hype up teams and no one should ever have faith in them, but seriously to get beat down by Miami at home? Really? Pathetic. This loss was especially sour for me as I stupidly bet on KC. I really need to learn how to take my own advice.

Cleveland v. Houston (12-30)

Cleveland suuuucccks. Seriously. I don’t care that Indy is 0 and whatever, I have watched a few Cleveland games this year and they are the worst team in football. Peyton Hillis’ vaginal rejuvenation surgery cannot come soon enough and until it does, this team will remain crappy and heartless.

NY Giants v. New England (24-20)

Eli Manning must have a voodoo doll of Tom Brady and/or Bill Belichek in his house and must stick it day and night with needles. You would think that the Patriots who lost the single most defining SuperBowl any team has ever lost would be ready and go and take it to the Giants every time they played, even 50 years from now. But no, the Patriots allowed the Giants to hang around and AGAIN let Eli Manning steal the game from them in the closing seconds. This was a huge loss for the Patriots not only because of the reasons aforementioned, but it is significant because it was their first loss at home in 30 games and first back-to-back loss since I can remember. Game of the year for the Patriots next week.

Green Bay v. San Diego (45-38)

Big time shootout in a game featuring two of the NFL’s favorites, but of course at the end of it Phillip Rivers was just left with his dick in his hands. I have called out Phillip Rivers all season, stating that even though the Chargers had a good record (one time at 4-1) that this was all smoke and mirrors because his play was atrocious. And again what happens? Rivers might have had a good fantasy day, but he stunk it up on the field throwing picks at the absolute worst time. Rivers man up!!

Chic ago v. Philly (30 v. 24)

I cannot believe that a team that was 2 games under .500 was getting -9 against a team that two games over .500 that has solid defense, a super solid run game and the best special teams in all of football. I hope for your sake then, that you took this opportunity like I did and bet hard against the Eagles. I do not know how Andy Reid can be so dominant after bye weeks and so terrible in defining games season after season. I don’t know what’s wrong in Philly, but I am pissed that the Cowboys had to play them after their bye. Wait what am I saying of course I know what’s wrong in Philly…

-Vick is suffering for Chris Johnson Disease a.k.a. Got Paid Syndrome, and after the single best season of his life has gone back to the normal overrated Michael Vick we love and loathe, i.e. injury prone, questionable passing, worst time interceptions, not finishing in the red zone etc.

-Reid is the worst game manager in all of football and has been for a while

-Asante Samuel is still pissed at getting sent to the bottom of the corner pecking order and is taking it out on Philly by not playing anywhere close to his Pro-Bowl caliber days

-Nobody fears Nmandi Asomugha, and while he does have some picks a lot of big plays are being lit up on him

-for the 12 straight season (or more) the Eagles still don’t have a power rusher who they can rely on in crucial situations.

-Their passrushers while playing good are not playing anywhere near the pre-season expectations

-Ronnie Brown is a moron

WEEK 10

Oakland v. San Diego (24 – 17)

And the smoke and mirror show continues in San Diego, although now its more like the Wizard of Oz and the whole flawed system has been exposed. Rivers is a shell of the QB he has been the last few seasons and had 2 picks a fumble and six sacks in this game. Ouch, no team can win with that kind of performance. The AFC West is up for grabs but no team seems to want it..its like the Deena (Jersey Shore), Courtney Love or Tara Reid of the NFL.

Pittsburg v. Cincy (24-17)

Nice bounce back for the Steelers, although I do not know how this game was this competitive. Either the Steelers are still in some kind of SuperBowl hangover this season, or the Bengals are for real. I shudder to think it’s the latter and even though the Bengals have quietly assembled a good record and Andy Dalton who to this point is the Anti-Cam Newton (i.e. not flashy but gets the job done) I still would not bet on them beating them beating any quality team week to week. They have some tools, but are a ways away from being elite.

Buffalo v. Dallas (7-44)

Ok maybbbbbbbbe the stink is starting to fade off them a little since that Philly loss, but only a little. I hope they keep piling up the wins against these beatable teams, but I want to see one season defining win against  a real opponent before I get my hopes up again (the Giants would be an excellent place to start). Can the Cowboys win the NFC East? I don’t know, but in the coming weeks I’m gonna find out (yes, yes I know I use that Rounders quote way too much). In sum there is plenty to feel good about if you are a Cowboys fan, Romo healthy and not making bone-headed plays, WRs stepping up even with Miles Austin out, Demarcus Ware remains a beast as does Jason Witten and DeMarrco Murray looks super solid and is putting up some eye popping numbers (knock-wood). My chiefs concerns is the secondary, as I still have no confidence in it…and of course Felix Jones needs to be given his walking papers ASAP.

Washington v. Miami (9 v. 20)

Did Miami just win a game at home???!!??? Did Miami just win two in a row????!??????? Bet hard against them in their next game.

Baltimore v. Seattle (17 v. 22)

In the upset of the week the Ravens lose a cupcake game a week after beating the Steelers for the second time this season! WTF Ravens? After you beat the Steelers last week people pre-maturely ejaculated and called you the most complete team in the AFC and this is how you repay them?? For shame.  And while I was never one of these people due to Flacco’s questionable throws this year, if you are a Ravens fan or tolerate them because your girl likes Michael Oher because of the blindside (like me), you had better hope they find a way to fix Flacco before seasons’ end because their window closes this year, or next at the latest.

Detroit v. Chicago (13- 37)

Detroit What? At this point it should be more like Detroit Who, because their stock is faling faster then Netflix and RIM…although I probably shouldn’t laugh at that.

New England v. NY Jets (37-16)

If you have watched the Patriots for any extended period over the last decade you knew this was coming. No way does this team lose 3 in a row no matter how bad their defense is and no way do they lose a meaningful game that is not in the playoffs. I hope you bet and cleaned up on this game like I did, because anyone who actually thought that betting the Jets as favorite should have their head examined and be relieved of their money post haste anyway.

Minnesota v. Green Bay (7 v. 45)

Ouch!

WEEK 11 PICKS

OK There are some juicy lines out there this week so let me get right to the picks…

GOLD PICK- Buffalo v. Miami (+1 Buffalo)

This is maybe the lock of the season after, the Patriots line last week. Miami might have won 2 in a row but they are a terrible team, and a terrible home team, playing a desperate and much better Buffalo team looking to get back on track with a vengeance.

SILVER PICK- Oakland v. Minnesota (-1 Oakland)

I have no idea how in the world Oakland is only favored by 1. Minnesota just showed how crappy they really are, and the Raiders, now that Palmer has settled in are poised to make a run in the AFC West. I know it’s a situation where one team is coming off a brutal loss and one an amazing win so maybe handicappers think the teams are closer, but they are not. Oakland should (knock-wood) take this game no problem.

BRONZE PICK-St. Louis v. Seattle (-1 St. Louis)

I know the Seahawks upset the Ravens and have a better record than the Rams, but Seattle has only one game on the road this season (against the Giants). And even though that win was big, Seattle has had much trouble historically playing outside of Seattle. On top of that Bradford is back, seems to have solid chemistry with Brandon Lloyd and Steven Jackson is playing his brains out even though he’s on a bad team . So even though both teams are bad, St. Louis is at home, has more playmakers and should be able to win this game.

BONUS PICKS

Detroit v. Carolina (-7 Detroit), Jets v. Broncos (-6 Jets), Jacksonville v. Cleveland (-1 Cleveland)

 SEATTLE V. CLEVELAND (3 v. 6, yes sadly that was the true score)

If you heard about this game I am sorry that this stinker even had to be processed by your ear drums, however my true apologies lie with anyone else who had to watch this game. Why did I? Well one of my starting fantasy back, Peyton Hills, was have his vag rejuvenation surgery and so I was forced to play his back-up to see how we would do in Hillis’ stead. While it was a relatively solid performance by Hardesty (the aforementioned Hillis back-up) in that he went 95 yards on 33 carries the game itself was atrocious, the watching of which is a fate I would wish on no one and was probably the worst football game I’ve seen since the infamous “mud-bowl” where the score ended up being 3-0. And don’t get me wrong I love defense as much as the next person, but this wasn’t a defensive showcase, this was just an awful team v. awful team trademark crap-tastique performance.

ATLANTA v. DETROIT (23 v. 16)

In the battle of perennial hype up team v. newcomer hype up team (or as George Washington Duke would put, it old lion against new lion…except here both lions are only kings of the hype of jungle), Atlanta trying to stay the course and turn around their already disappointing season (relax Atlanta, its not even the playoffs yet) when they took on the Lions at Ford Field. The result? A back and forth contest which saw Atlanta, despite their defense doing all they could to blow the game, come out and ride Michael Turner to victory. If this game teaches us anything thing is that while the youth might have the physical gifts, experience trumps all…at least when it comes to being a hype up team that will always lose to any legitimate contender and disappoint their fan-base when they expect it least.

Houston v. Tennessee (41 v. 7)

Ouch, I actually thought Houston was in for a close game, especially with the Titans coming off the bye. I guess I must have forgot that their quarterback is a 167 years old, they lost their best WR, and Chris Johnson is still drinking Banana Daquris in witness protection. But even with those factors, given Houston’s lack of Andre Johnson, Shaub’s chronic streaky play and that they were playing on the road, I never would have guessed that they would have ran over Tennessee the way they did. Either Chris Johnson pulls a Christmas Day Grinch move, has his heart grow three sizes and he returns Tennessee’s check so they can go out and get some play-makers or the Titans are in for an up and down next few seasons that will inevitably end badly and at least two more players chucking their equipment in the stands, flipped-birds galore and some more punched out strip club owners.

Denver v. Miami (18 v. 15)

While the Bible-Belt and other fundamental Christians across America will have you believe that Tim Tebow’s come back over Miami was some kind of divine miracle, I like to think of it more as a mathematical certainty. I’m sorry but when you have a team that is winless, plays terrible, starts a player that’s goal is to get thrown out by halftime, has the worst home losing streak in the game and a coach that’s filling out his unemployment and/or W2s on the sidelines during the game the outcome here is merely the summed result of all these factors. In fact, the only miracle was that Miami was even leading at any point during this game.  Even the 0-16 Lions from a couple years back showed way more grit then this Dolphins team. This team is the sports equivalent of the Wizard of Oz’s loveable Tin-Man except that they aren’t lovable and there are 52 of them. I here they went out and signed J.P. Losman this week, and wow if that isn’t the biggest white flag of the season I don’t know what is. They might as well have Tony Sparano playing QB, God knows he isn’t working out as coach.

SAN DIEGO v. NY JETS (21 v. 27)

I keep waiting for Philip Rivers and the Chargers (but mainly Philip Rivers because he’s my fantasy QB) to turn it around and show me that they are capable of winning a game without their opposing team losing it to them. Yes I know even with this loss the team is 4-2, but they look terrible and are totally out of sync  and the team they fielded last year that missed the playoffs, looked much more impressive then this squad. I don’t know what’s wrong with Rivers and the offense, but if they don’t get their act together they will find themselves bounced from the playoffs early in the best case scenario and in the worst case scenario KC rallies and they finish third in the division behind the Raiders and KC and thus miss the playoffs completely. Again I’m hoping they turn it around because of Rivers, but if you are actually a San Diego fan you have some serious cause for concern despite the record. This team is the NFL equivalent of Nicolai Valuev and no one with any sense can have any fairth in them at this point.

Chi-town v. Tampa Bay (24-18)

If you figured that Tampa can’t win anywhere except home and that this game was being played in London and thus bet hard against them, congrats, I hope you won money like me. Unfortunately the only person who seems to be out of money right now is Matt Forte, who is the most spectacular RB in the game right now, outplayed his current contract 6 games ago and is basically playing hard until he gets hurt so that the Bears can give him the shaft financially (or in the case he’s really hurt bad, show him the door). I know it goes against everything the NFL stands for, but if I was Forte I would sit my ass on the bench and refuse to play until I got a fair deal with some serious guaranteed money. Yes this might be considered dirty to do once the season starts, but if Forte gets hurts he is going to get pennies on the dollar for what he is worth to his team right now and is the BS-one-way media going who will no doubt turn on him if he were to get hurt be there with a check? Are the fans? Are the fantasy owners? The answer is plain and simple, no. The Bears as a franshise especially do not give two shits about loyalty or being fair which is why they cut Tommy Harris when he complained about playing time and his deal and asked for a trade, which is why they refuse to pay Lance Briggs what he deserves and which is why they are refusing to pay Forte his due despite the fact that he accounts for over 50% of their offensive plays. No fuck that, if I’m Forte I sit because I’ve already given the Bears fantastic value for their money since I have come in the league and are the main reason for their success over the years, at least on the offensive side of the ball given their suspect QB-ing and non-existant WRs. PAY ME OR I SIT.

WASHINGTON v. CAROLINA (20 v. 33)

The Redskins not only continue their slide down the standings (which is fine by me because I am a Cowboys fan), but they also continue to lose their best offensive players. And while their team’s best offensive players aren’t stars to begin with, they have worked well together this year to out-shoot everyone’s expectations…at least until now. And while out-shooting expectations is hard enough, losing your starting RB, your starting and best WR, your starting and former pro-bowl TE and having your former starting QB who is a joke to begin with , turning into an even bigger one, well I mean no team can overcome that (especially again if you’re playing over your head to begin with).

KC v. Oakland (28 v. 20)

Another ouch game. I never knew a team could be so impressive one week and so unimpressive the next. Yes I know in a game where your QBs combine to throw 6 picks is a recipe for disaster, but to not even get 3 points on the Chiefs at home is downright disgraceful. Hopefully for the Raiders McFadden gets on the field soon, their young receiving core continues to improve and Carson Palmer remembers how to play football again, but until then the good times in Oakland are finished.

Pittsburgh v. Arizona (32 v. 20)

If you bet on Pittsburgh in this one I bet you’re happy. If you bet on Arizona I bet you are not. Ok enough, but seriously the line in this game couldn’t have been high enough because Arizona stinks. In fact they just don’t stink, they wreak. Pittsburgh who is in playoff mode already after a slow start has come on hard and they absolutely rolled over Arizona. I don’t care what the score says these teams are nowhere near as close both in terms of this game and going forward as franchises. I don’t know what Arizona was thinking getting rid of Leinhart because at least they would have had a young guy cutting his teeth in a system he knows. Kolb is brutal and I’m shocked Larry Fitzgerald hasn’t joined Chris Johnson in witness protection with the crap they have been giving him over the last while. Poor Larry….but wait, no nevermind, I just remember they also handed him a 125 million dollar plus contract as well. For that money they could have Chris Johnson take a dump on Larry and he should still smile and call it ice cream…although his team still is a pile of shit. Beanie’s gone for a while too I hear so, I hope they got their winter tires on.

St. Louis v. Dallas (7 v. 34)

Even though I am a huge Cowboys fan I thought the line going into this game was entirely too high. At +13 I thought the Rams were a lock to cover the spread given the fact that Dallas’ defensive back can’t cover anybody, they blow leads like you or I blow our nose and they have an eleven game streak in which their games have been decided by 4 points or less. In the end? Streak begone! How did the Cowboys crush the Rams and the corresponding spread? Well much like the Joker’s pharmaceutical products (the Jack Nicholson one), it was a combination of things that made them lethal. First, the Rams who are bad enough, were playing without Sam Bradford and Danny Aremndola (gone for the season) plus Steven Jackson was banged up (as usual). In addition, Dallas played shut down defense the entire game (I can’t believe I just wrote that) and didn’t even let St. Louis score a meaningless touchdown to close the game (If these trends continue, ehhhhh…..). However, the biggest thing going for the Cowboys was Demarrco Murray and the explosive and setting game he had. I actually managed to benefit form this performance because of Peyton Hillis’ aforementioned vaginal rejuvenation surgery, Felix Jones who was out with injury (thank goodness) and my zero confidence in Tashard Choice. Dallas finally after many seasons now, seemed to have a competent running game which they can not only use to run up the score (pun intended), but also to take the pressure off Tony Romo and run out the clock when they are ahead (pun intended also). Although I like Felix Jones because he is a Cowboy after all, I hope Dallas keeps him on the bench as long as possible and really give Demarco Murray a legitimate shot. It was a long and painful search to find replacements for Troy Aikman and Michael Irvin (in Tony Romo and Dez Bryant respectively), hopefully now they’ve finally found one for Emmitt Smith.

Green Bay v. Minny (33 v. 27)

While I was shocked Dallas covered the spread, I was more shocked that Green Bay didn’t. This game although on the road, was waiting for them to continue their streak of blowing out opponent. However, much to the dismay of myself and other gamblers, the Vikings actually showed some signs of life now that the human mole Donovan McNabb was removed from their posterior. Hopefully, Green Bay can get back to their winning ways after the bye because daddy needs a new pair of everything.

Indy v. New Orleans.

The beating of the year without question. The silver lining for the Colts? Well they can pull a San Antonio, and snake Andrew Luck in this year’s draft and have their franchise set for the next 15 years (of course ala the Spurs and Tim Duncan). Can they do it? I don’t know but I’m gonna find out (Rounders is still too pimp and has taken over the all-time guy movie crown from Scarface).

Baltimore v. Jax

Wow and in the upset of the week Baltimore loses to Jacksonville. I don’t know what’s wrong with Ray Lewis’ squad, but if he doesn’t find a way for his team to be more consistent and stop getting beat by these terrible teams he is going to end up eating egg noodles and ketchup like an average nobody and  live the rest of his life as schnook (I am sorry Rounders but I forgot about my beloved Goodfellas).
WEEK 8 PICKS

GOLD:  Dallas + 3.5 over Philly in Philly. This is a total statement game for Dallas and Philly like Asante says, is a pure fantasy team with less chemistry then Johnny Depp and Angelina in their cash grab Tourist movie a few months back. Even if Philly eeks out a win it won’t be for 4 or more.

SILVER: Detroit -3 over Broncos in Denver. As over hyped as Detroit is, no way they lose three in a row and to Denver, the spread is low and Denver just won a miracle game against Miami, no way they pull off another big win.

Bronze: Washington +6 v. the Bills. Although the Skins are going downhill fast they should still have enough players and good coaching to beat the Bills, who appear to know the jig is up on their Cinderella season, and if they don’t, well no offense but they are not beating the Skins who still have a solid defense by more than 6..but I have been wrong before so please gamble responsibly.

Alright, here are my thoughts for the NFL’s Week 6. Some teams won, others lost…it’s a zero-sum game people what do you want from me. Just a quick announcement before I get to my thought, next week I’m going to feature a section where I give my thoughts on things I don’t think people are giving attention to, too much attention to or not the right amount of attention to (I know that makes no sense right now, but please stay tuned). In any event here are my thoughts….

Carolina v. Atlanta (17 v. 31)

And Cam Newton loses another game, qu’elle suprise (which is French for what a surprise). Yes I know I said I would give him a shot for a year, but if he’s doing Deion Sanders’ highstep shuffle after TDs he be ready for some criticism, which I will gladly serve up. I will continue to monitor him over the next couple of weeks and if he continues to showboat whilst also losing games and the press continues to slurps him any harder, well that’s all I can stand ;til I can’t stands no more.

As for Atlanta, don’t be fooled by the box score and think that Atlanta is back to its fake contending ways. This two touchdown win, involved zero running game from Carolina, Atlanta playing at home and Michael Turner having the game of his life (or at least the best he’s had in 2 seasons). Do not be fooled by the 4 headed fake contenders monster of Atlanta, Tampa, KC and Houston. Ever. That’s just a rule, and I know KC sucks this year, but they’ll be back fake contending next year.

Indy v. Cinncy (17 v. 27)

This Cincy turnaround is all Andy Dalton and I am shocked that he is not getting more exposure and Dap, for how he has this terrible franchise sitting 2 games over .500 when most people (including myself) had them amongst the worst teams in the NFL going into the season. Not only has Dalton found a way to bring out the best in his teammates, he manages the game tremendously for a rookie and always finds a way to win games late for his squad. You might call him the Anti-Cam Newton or Mark Sanchez 2.0. Seriously he is without question the rookie of the year thus far in the NFL…I could give too shits about Newton’s numbers, Dalton gets it done.

As for Indy what can you say really, it has been imploding faster than a dying star since Peyton was lost for the season (yes I meant to write that) and each loss strengthens my argument that the MVP should be given to Peyton Manning every year retroactively for every year he didn’t win it. His teammates all look terrible without him (including Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark) and his coach even worse.

San Fran v. Detroit (25 v. 19)

While I still don’t consider either of these team legitimate contenders (and since Manning/the Colts went down, and Pittsburgh is off its tracks a little bit,  the only real supreme contenders are Green Bay and New England anyway), this was a game to see which team could be taken more seriously. Well when the final whistle blew the answer was San Fran, although given that their franchised is attached to a historically shakey Alex Smith until they beat a more solid team on the road, I will not be convinced. If they can pull off a win against Green Bay, New England, Baltimore or Pittsburgh then come talk to me. Until then they and Detroit will still be the Donnie Brasco’s for the Fake Contender 4 (i.e. being proposed for membership, but not quite there).

As for the talk of the NFL which was the fight afterward, I was just hoping that the Whoa whoa whoa San Fran guy hadn’t gotten in the way and someone actually threw a punch. Harbaugh’s bad sports karma is already reaching Bill Belichek levels and its only his first year. He better help build some homes in Honduras or start reading at the homeless shelter before his spleen explodes at the NFC championship game.

St. Louis v. Green Bay (3 v. 24)

You know you’ve got your swagger going full-tilt when you blow out a hapless and defenseless (literally) team at home and your Quarterback who just finished winning a Superbowl last season, says that he was thursting for a better win. Green Bay is firing on all cylinders right now, but they are firing so well that you just get this weird feeling that something bad is about to happen. Although they won the Superbowl last year as the 6^th seed, with 15 guys on IR so they can probably overcome whatever dark cloud hangs over them.

As for St. Louis, they better cover the spread this week against Dallas. Dallas hasn’t beat anyone by 10 to 13 points (depending on what spread you get) since Eisenhower, so while I am hoping for a Dallas win, here’s hoping that the hapless Rams can at least find a way not to lose by more then 10-13..which again, is totally probable.

Buffalo v. Giants (24 v. 27)

The Giants get a big win when they needed it most, and it was a good win after their implosion at home against the Seahawks last weeks. I don’t know how many people were booted from their suicide pool when the Rams beat the Giants, but I do know one…my buddy ry, sorry guy.

As for the Bills the luster on their improbable season is fading faster then my interest in Jersey Shore. And if you’ve seen the steamer of a season Jersey Shore offered up this fall you know this is not good (seriously I never thought a season which didn’t have Ronnie and Sammi fighting and making me want to rip my hair out, could be this boring…might be time to find some new Guidos and Guidettes…I say start by replacing Vinnie, he offers nothing).

Jax v. Pittsburgh (13 v. 17)

The only thing that troubles me about this game other than losing the “under on this game(which was at 40)” is that Pittsburgh didn’t blow this team out at home and was in a position to even lose it in the 4^th. The Steelers I know would have totally dismantled a terrible Jaguarsa team which have no playmakers (other then MJD who was MIA in this one) and a new scarecrow of a QB playing at QB. This game should have been 42-3 minimum.

Philadelphia v. Washington (20-13)

While things are better in West Philadelphia, these still appear to be the ‘End of Days’ for Andy Reid’s tenure and this overhyped Eagles team .Despite playing on the road, they were playing a team in which Rex Grossman did everything he could to lose this game for his team except for pulling of an Ak-47 and going medieval on his own teammates. I have never seen a worse redzone performance in my life by a QB. EVER. The guy through 3 picks inside the redzone (and another on top of that somewhere else) and the Eagles ONLY won by 7!!! Even if the Eagles kicked field goals on these picks they would have won this game despite Grossman’s latest greatest meltdown.

On the plus side for the Skins they are a lock to cover the +3 spread against Carolina so grab it if you can because that is smoooooth Sammy’s pick of the Week. Now that Grossman is benched the run game and defense alone can cover the spread against Carolina.

Cleveland v.Oakland (17 v. 24)

The post-Al Davis all amnesia love fest continues in Oakland, and the Raiders actually played a solid game. They are futures however are now tied to the arm of Carson Palmer, but while most people hate this deal for the Raiders, I actually really like it. Palmer no matter is drop off, was a probowl QB capable of bringing out the best of his teammates and if that dirty ass Steeler didn’t purposely go low on Plamer in 2005, the Bengals probably would have gone to the Superbowl and had a few solid seasons instead of just a couple. Even if there is even 60 percent left in Palmer’s tank I will take that over whatever is in Jason Campbell’s tank. Palmer’s got some really good playmakers on offense and the defense even with the lose of Asmougha is better than most, so if they have a real shot the rest of the way of making the playoffs and even snaking the division away from the Chargers.

Cleveland better find a way to keep Hillis happy, although he’s been playing like a trick this season and better get his act together before the Browns bench  him and he’s left with a horrible contract situation league wide next season.

Houston v. Baltimore (14 v. 29)

Soild win by Baltimore top to bottom, and the way the Ravens have been playing this season I was surprised Houston even put up 14 without Andre Johnson in the line-up and Matt Shaub just waiting for a big injury (but he always looks like that).

New Orleans v. Tampa Bay (20 v. 26)

I only had one question about this game, and it was how in the World did the Saints lose this game??!?? Yes Tampa was playing at home and desperate for a win after their 45 point blow out loss in San Fran last week, but seriously how did the Saints manage to lose to this fake ass hype up team in an important divisional game???!? Oh wait why am I asking when I know, their man-boy genius coach was lost on account of the most devastating and flukiest side-line injury probably seen in a 100 years and Drew Brees continues to play like he snorted Brett Favres ashes and throw costly picks at the worst possible times (Favre’s not dead yet? My bad). Seriously if the Saints ever want people to take them as serious Super Bowl contenders again, Drew Brees needs to find a way to stop with these terrible and abundant picks (he’s had 8 in 4 games, and all seemingly at the most critical junctures).

Dallas v. New England (13-17)

Ohh my beloved Cowboys what a valiant effort you put forth. You were taking it to the Golden Boy and the Patriots, despite no run game, a shaky offensive line, conservative and shaky play calling by Jason Garrett and an even shakier confidence on the part of Tony Romo (understandably jumpy after his suspect picks the last few weeks) and were leading the Patriots with 13-10 with under three minutes to go. What happened? Well you gave Tom Brady the ball WITH UNDER THREE MINUTES TO GO!!!! And if that wasn’t bad enough Dallas’ decided to call off its pass rush and play prevent, which actually prevents nothing on the regular and especially against a guy like Brady. If we have learned anything about the Patriots since the Giants beat them in the Superbowl in 2007, is that the only way to beat Tom Brady is by getting in his grill and getting him off his game. Every team that has beaten him in the playoffs and/or a big game since then has employed some type of frustrating pass rush. Instead of doing what it did last Sunday Dallas was better off letting Tom Brady score before the 2 minute warning, getting the ball back right then and allowing Tony Romo, who is another fantastic QB with 2 minutes or under to go, a shot at winning the game.

The silver lining for Dallas is that they get the Rams at home and the bye coupled with this solid performance against the Pats has gotten some of the stink and pressure off Tony Romo and the rest of the Cowboys. While I don’t think they will cover the spread (-13), they have an excellent shot of at least beating the Rams and getting back to .500 with a few winnable games to go.

Minnesota v. Chicago (10 v. 39)

I hope you bet large on this game like I did because not only was the under waaaayyyy too low (40 pts), Chicago was a lock to cover the spread which was tremendously undervaluing them. Yes the Bears had offensive line problems and were coming off a tough loss, but they still have a quality run game, decent defense , explosive special teams, an above average QB and of course, they were playing the Vikings who, except for Jared Allen and a disgruntled Adrian Peterson, have nothing. Actually they have less than nothing because Leslie Frazier is perhaps the worst coach in football right now.

Miami v. NY Jets (6 v. 24)

If you thought the Eagles were a team desperate for a win, they had nothing on the NY Jets. Yes the Eagles were the “Dream Team” going into the season, but Rex Ryan has been running his mouth for 3 years now and a team who got all the way to the AFC championship game the last two years was looking at a 2-4 start in a year that was make or break for their franchise QB. If the Jets lost this one, and in the division they are in, you could rest assured that they were out of the playoffs, especially with all the other AFC teams blowing up around them. Want more justification for why the Jets were desperate? Well the Jets haven’t just been underperforming, they have been finding ways to get this asses kicked by other AFC squads like the Raiders and Ravens, so if they lost another one, especially to the terrible Dolphins and after all their boasting, you can rest assured that they would have been the laughing stock of the NFL.

PICK TIME

New segment. I am going to be providing my top three picks against the spread each week from here on out. Happy birthday to all you gamblers out there.

Gold Pick: Bears +1 over Tampa Bay – Not only is Tampa overrated, coming off a big win (and being the fake team that they are destined to lose after that), and missing their top Running Back, but their “home game” is actually being played in England and Tampa has been atrocious playing anywhere but home. This one has Bears written all over it.

Silver Pick: Rams +13 over Cowboys- Again, while Dallas while probably win this ‘must win game’, Dallas has played in 11 straight games decided by 4 points or less. I have been watching this brand of Cowboys for years now and I can’t remember the last time they just blew out an opponent and especially did so in a game they absolutely had to win. This game is decided by 7 or less.

Bronze Pick: Redskins +3 over Panthers- Yes the Redskins have a new QB playing this week, but this is a rare instance when that is a bonus. The Redskins have been finding ways to win all season even with Grossman at the helm and have produced a surprisingly robust running game and defense. After a tough loss against the Eagles, which again they win easy if Grossman doesn’t throw those redzone picks (THREE OF THEM!!!!), they will be looking to rebound against a Panthers team dying to lose another game.

BONUS PICKS:

Detroit over Atlanta

Denver over Miami- I have no idea how Miami is favoured in this. They are winless, have a new QB, no running game, a short week, a headcase WR who might not play  and have the worst home field advantage in the history of sports. The blessed Tim Tebow should be able to win this one easy, despite his questionable playing style.

Philly v. Buffalo ( 24 v. 31)

And the Eagles epic failures continue as Michael Vick seems determined to become the first NFL QB ever to throw 10 picks in a game. Not only that but Andy Reid seems determined to be the first NFL coach ever to use up all his challenges in the first 14 seconds of a game. In sum, this was not only a poor showing  by the Eagles, it was an across the board terrible performance, from the Offensive line, to the QB play, to the Play in the secondary (apparently Nmandi Asomugha has joined Chris Johnson in witness protection), to the run game, to coaching, to everything . It was a truly horrendous performance by the Eagles and with the possible exception of Vince Young lifting and throwing Andy Reid into the crowd well pronouncing that he only wins for himself with Brigiette Neilson cheering him on or Ronnie Brown throwing his jockstrap (with his nuts still inside) on the goal-line I cannot envision a worse scenario. And while I am not still sold on Buffalo and their ability to consistently beat good teams (Baltimore, New Orleans, Green Bay etc.), they will probably get into the playoffs as a wildcard, while the Eagles at 1-4 playing in the best division in all of professional sports with every other team at .500 or better I cannot see them getting in this year.

KC v. Indy (28 v. 24)

Yes, after getting beat badly, losing questionably and losing a ton of key playmakers on both sides of the ball, KC gets back-to-back probably for the last time until 2022. As for Colts fans, I don’t know what everyone is talking about, this losing streak is the best thing that could happen to this team. Look I am a huge Peyton Manning fan and still think that the MVP award should be retroactively awarded to Manning every year he did not win it in the last 15 years (because we are obviously seeing the consequences of a sans-Manning Colts squad), but with the kind of mysterious and mysteriously hard to cure ailment he has, which is extremely career threatening, we might have already seen the best from Manning and probably the last of him. Why is this good for the Colts? Well obviously unless you are sporting a vagina and/or are not into sports you know that Andrew Luck is coming out this year, and he is probably the most highly regarded and talked NFL QB prospect in a long while. It should not just be “Suck for Luck”, but “Suck like a Dyson Vac for Luck”….especially with the weak QB prospects surrounding the NFL (there is a reason why Tavaris Jackson currently starts on an NFL team).

Arizona v. Minny ( 10v. 34)

I will admit I had this wrong, and actually bet that the Cardinals after a close and hard fought battle against the NFC leading Giants would actually cowboy up and take out their frustrations against the hapless and winless Vikings who currently sport as their head coach, the worst head coach in all of football. Well, needless to say I was wrong, as the Cardinals proved that they are indeed the undisputedly the most terribly unreliable team in all of the NFL and that they shouldn’t be counted on for anything because they can fuck up a cup of coffee like no one else. Jared Allen and Adrian Peterson, strapped their team on their backs and had this team beat within 15 minutes of this game.

Tennessee v. Pittsburgh (17 v. 38)

Classic overrated team versus underrated team with sexy results. Or at least results that should be expected. The Titans formula for success seems tough enough as it is with a new coach, new and perhaps over the hill QB, lose of their start WR for the season, without Chris Johnson occasionally checking in from witness protection to offer his team 2.88 years per carry on the ground.  Pittsburgh needed a win like no other team in the NFL save maybe the Eagles, but the difference is that they execute on offensive, defense and special teams to make sure that unlike the Eagles, they were going to get it.

New Orleans v. Carolina (30 v. 27)

Carolina must be the only team in the history of the NFL where losing at home is not only consistent and accepted, but impressive as well. Why? Well Cam Newton of course. Like I said last week I said that I will give Cam Newton until next season to start getting wins before I criticize him for the lack their off, so other then that there were some solid flashes of brilliance and impressive plays from scrimmage so good on him. Hopefully these flashy, eye grabbing and ultra-athletic plays by Newton translate into some solid and momentum building wins in coming seasons. New Orleans again look great for their part, but this team is going to have to learn how to play defense at some point.

Cincy v. Jax (30 v. 20)

The Bengals who were supposed to be as terrible as the Jags found out two things on Sunday. The first is that they are better than most people expected (especially with Andy Dalton’s quite, but surprisingly efficient play) and second that the Jags really are as terrible as they look and are in fact much worse. Who would have thought cutting your franchise QB hours before the season is set to kick off, having a coach who appears to have been unfrozen along with Brendan Frasier in Encino Man and no other real playmakers on either side of the ball other then MJD, would have a season this bad. WAIT EVERYONE KNEW THAT!!!??!!!!!!

OAK v. HOUSTON (25-20)

OAK was able to capitalize on a Houston team that was without its best player (Andre Johnson) and ride a wave of emotion with the passing of their owner into an impressive road win. What does it mean in the long run? Well that the Raiders having all the forces with them can win, but barely or that Houston is a actually a decent team, will probably still win the AFC South and that if they had Johnson and/or Matt Shaub would not have thrown that terrible pick in the endzone to end the game, that they would have still easily won this game. Good news for the Raiders short term. Good news for Houston long term. Although they still have a long way to go before I take them out of my all hype up club with its perennial members KC, Houston and Atlanta and its new junior members Buffalo, Detroit and San Fran.

Tampa Bay v. San Fran (3 v. 48)

Speaking of the all hype-up club, San Fran screammmms for full membership in this tilt after they pound the travelling bucks at home like they committed a crime (other than being charter members of the all-hype up club). Will they get full membership? Well everyone in the media seems to be on their jock, they have not beaten a real contender, and there is already talk of dynasty after 5 weeks, so all the elements are there, let us see what happens.

San Diego v. Denver (29 v. 24)

San Diego continues its winning ways by climbing its record to 4-1 but does so with most unimpressive and uninspired way and play possible. How is San Diego 4-1, I have no idea because they do not look that great and Rivers looks as terrible as I think I have ever seen him (WHICH IS TERRIBLE BECAUSE HE IS MY STARTING QB IN FANTASY). Hopefully, Antonio Gates will come back and decided to play solid football again, because when he’s in the team looks crisp, they move the ball well and score at will. Without home they looked confused, their offensive stalls and looks lackluster at best and they squeak out games against teams like the Broncos that they would ordinarily throttle. Yes they are 4-1, but they are the worse 4-1 team I think I have ever seen.

NY Jets v. New England (21 v. 30)

Another big loss by the Jets which has some long-time Jets players and associates (namely Joe Namath and Bill Parcells) clammering that maybe Mark Sanchez isn’t the guy who should be under Center for the Jets right now. With all due respect to these guys, I think Sanchez is the guy and has proven that he comes to play when it matters most, which is late in the season. Unfortunately for the Jets they might not even get the chance to play games that matter late if they keep putting up these terrible performances but the one silver lining (if you can call it that) is that at least they didn’t get totally blown out by New England (like they did in their previous games) and were somehow able to keep its explosive offense to only beating them by 9. Maybe it’s a because I bet on this game and managed to bet the Patriots by 7.5 instead of the standard ten that went around which is why I am able to see this as a positive. The Jets need to find their running game stat and need to get their defense together stat 2.

Green Bay v. Atlanta (25 v. 14)

Atlanta continues on its downward spiral as it got beat down by the Packers at home in a game they should have been much more prepared for. After Green Bay whooped this team in the playoffs last year as the 6^th side, you would have thought the Falcons would have shown more grit and tried much harder to exact some revenge and remain in the NFC conversation. Neither appears to have happened. With this beating. I have watched Julio Jones for 5 games now and think he should change his name to ‘Who-lio Jones?”, which is my second favorite NFL nickname after “No-Show Moreno”.

Chicago v. Detroit (24-13)

Well the Calvin Johnson show continues and he continues to look like a superstar among boys (yes the disparity is that glaring). Watching Calvin Johnson I wonder that despite his all-star play for a number of years now, where has this supernatural play of late coming from. The only somewhat comparison I can make to this scenario is when Hot Rod (a super solid transformer) grabbed the Matrix of leadership off Galvatron’s neck, opened it and became Rodimus Prime. Hmm Given that Calvin Johnson is Megatron (Galvatron’s Predecessor and former self) this analogy could be somewhat apt. Although not really. They are both Transformer related though so I’m sticking with it. Tired of Transformer analogies? Well too bad because Detroit’s defensive front is totally the Constructicons (sp?) and working together they are devastating like no other and hence they are the NFL’s version of Devestator. Yes my mind is that warped.

As for the Bears well despite the Henny Penney’s and all the rest who are predicting the demise for this team there are some bright spots and I don’t think this team is nearly as bad as most people think. Don’t get me wrong, unless they fix their problems on the offensive line they will be questionable at best against any decent team they face all season, but should they fix that they could maybe make a run at the wildcard, although two teams from the NFC East are probably taking those spots so who knows. So while they have some issues, at -3 they seem to have a great shot at taking out the Vikings at home, and that is smooth Sammy’s pick of the week.

My apologies for not writing more but given that I only have 60 minutes to get through this entry it makes sense that I focus on the recap and not the apology/flimsy excuses right? While I can’t cover all the games, I will do my best to cover the important points and the important games….

 WEEK 2

KANSAS CITY v. DETROIT

I knew I had Kansas City (the others are Atlanta, Tampa Bay and Houston) as one of my four hype-up/overhyped teams for a reason, but no one has been pounded this hard at home since Lindsay Lohan’s stint on house arrest….yes I know the Lions were at home, but I couldn’t waste the line.

OAKLAND v. BUFFALO

Nice to see Buffalo at 2-0, McFadden has got some wheels on him and unless Big Ol’ Al Davis finds a way to fuck it up, he’s a lock for AFC Offensive Player now that Chris Johnson has gone into witness protection.

TAMPA BAY v. MINNESOTA

Tampa is able to build on its hype up status by coming back against a terrible choking Vikings team which has now given up leads in two consecutive weeks.

New Orleans v. ChICAGO

No big surprises here, the Saints offensively challenge Bears team who have insisted on leaving Jay Cutler out to twist in the wind. The only bright spot on the Bears is Forte and he’s unhappy with is contract. Her Martz and Bears brass, PAY THAT MAN HIS MONEY!

BALTIMORE v. TENNESSE

Wow huge win by the Titans, especially after the Ravens throttled the Steelers in Week1. Could the Titans be for real? The win is even more impressive given Chris Johnson’s aforementioned status in Witness Protection.

Cleveland v. Indy

Cleveland steamed Indy with the run game, and without Peyton Manning the Colts are like a group of turtles on their backs

JAX v. NY JETS

Jets pound the Jags at home, which is no surprise given that the Jags gave up on the season 3 days before the season kicked off by cutting their franchise quarterback to save a couple Fazools.

Seattle v. Pittsburgh

NO, the Steelers didn’t just crush a terrible Seattle team at home who similar to the Jags also gave up on the season when it decided to make Tavaris Jackson its QB instead of going after Carson Palmer. Again no big surprises.

Arizona v. Washington

Gutty win at home by Washington, Washington who is relying on Rex Grossman and Rex Grossman’s bold prediction of winning the NFC East, at 2-0 is on track.

Green Bay v. Carolina

No big surprises here other then the fact that I would have thought GB crushes Carolina by at least 21 and not a meager 7. Still not sold on Newton, has the tools, but is missing that killer winning instinct.

Dallas v. San Fran

Great win by the Cowboys despite their terrible Secondary and even more terrible Offensive line. Seriously when is Uncle Jerry going to take some of that big take some of that big Texas  money and spend it on his O-line so that he can protect the franchise QB?? Last year the season was lost when he took that terrible blindside hit…this year he broke his rib and punctured his lung on the same sort of deal. Come on Jerry, get on the trolley.

Cincy at Denver

Denver wins at home. Whoop.

Houston v. Miami

Houston also builds on its hype-up status by beating up on a Miami team in free fall.

San Diego v. NE

NE continues its dominance by easily beating a team many had representing the AFC in the Superbowl. The Chargers better pray they get Gates back soon, because while they win some games, a Rocky Balboa  real contender they’ll never be.

Philadelphia v. Atlanta

Philly losses to Atlanta and in the process spoils Vick’s home coming (although he actually was a back-up when Philly played at Atlanta some time ago…but shhh don’t spoil it for the lazy writers). Not only did Philly get beat, but Vick predictably shockingly left the game with injury. While this is bad news for Philly, its good news for Vick who by getting injured in game 2, wins the Bob Sanders Mr. Glass Award given to the first guy who you know is going to get injured during the course of a season…wait what Bob Sanders went on the IR already??!?? Well there you have it folks Bob Sanders just Bob Sandered Mickael Vick. Hey they don’t call it the Bob Sanders award for nothing.

St. Louis v.Giants

No real surprises here, an under valued Giants team beat up on an overvalued Rams team hurting with their star RB hurting and their franchise QB regressing.

WEEK 3

NE v. BUFFALO

HUUUUUUGEE shocker (although I actually was going to bet on this one…seriously, you can ask my friend Ry if I was going to bet on Buffalo or not…I just didn’t have my online sports account set up…seriously). NE looked like they were going to run away with this one until Tom Brady decided that he was tired of Greg Easterbrook and 95% of the Sports Media riding his jock, that he decided to give a game away to Buffalo and in so doing quelled early calls/talk about a 16-0 (which is annoying as fuck and should only be banned until a team is 13-0). 

San Fran v. Cincy

I sure hope you bet the under, as a 13-8 win by San Fran is the lowest and weirdest point total I can remember. How do you even get 8 points?

Miami v. Cleveland

Miami continues its freefall by proving that not only can they not win at home, but they hate the road just as much. I haven’t seen a team quit on their coach this badly since the Vikings went from ‘Love Boat’ to ‘Mutiny on the Bounty’ last year.  Peyton Hillis also apparently had his period and was unable to play and nearly sunk my fantasy team until I realized I had his backup on my squad as a handcuff. Man up Hillis.

Denver v. Tennesse.

Chris Johnson continues to give us his best Henry Hill impression (although I believe Hill even got tired of Witness Protection) and showing us how easy it is to disappear with tens of millions of dollars. He is a role model to fugitives everywhere and I applaud him for that. The Titans w/o Johnson however continue to impress and are doing so with Matt Hasselback who many thought was washed up.

Detroit v. Minnesota

Massive comeback for the Lions as they come from 20 down to snake the victory from the win-starved Vikings. I do not think they are for real yet, but  at 7-0  in their last season strectching back to last season, they certainly are not charter members in my all hype-up club (HOUSTON, TB, ATLANTA, KC you know where you at).

Houston v. Saints

Another offensively impressive win by the Saints, who are determined to put up more points and play less defense then anybody who has ever thought of playing football.

Giants v. Philly

Philly gets hammered at home by the Gmen (fuck I wished I had save that Lindsay Lohan line). The Dream-Team cannot catch a break and appears to falling apart faster then a Chinese motorcycle (one love Rodney Dangerfield).

JAX v. Carolina

This week’s who cares game (which is pretty much any Jax game). The only thing of note is that Cam Newton won his first NFL game, and in ten years when he still hasn’t won a title it will be something for him to look back fondly on.

NY Jets v. Oakland

Wow did the Raiders really put the hurt on the Jets this badly?? What is up with the Jets? All that talk and this? To quote Diddy’s boy Mase “I talk a lotta shit, but I back it up there’s a difference…”…true say, and maybe its something big Ol’ Rex needs to remember and take to his hardened artery encased heart.

Baltimore v. St.Louis

Never do anything nice for anyone. Ever. At least that’s my moto after this game. Why? Because just before this game kicked off I had a 25.00 dollar bet on this game for Baltimore to win against the spread and another 25.00 dollar bet on Atlanta  betting the same thing. But just before I was about to hit ‘confirm bet’ I remember that my friend Stef (Stefano) was locked out of his Account so I called him up to see if he wanted any action. He promptly said he wanted me to put 50 on the Ravens for him. Big paid day coming right? Wrong, because by the time I had fixed the bets, I was 1 second over and could no longer place that bet. So what did I do? I put the 25 I was gonna put on the Ravens and put in on the Falcons, and of course the Ravens won huge and Matty Ice and Co. find a way to fuck me out of 50.00 bucks by not being able to beat hype up team TB (although I am partially to blame because I should never have bet on one hype up team being able to beat up another). So there are two lessons learned, never do anything nice for anyone, and never bet on a hype up team to beat another hype up team(never betting on a hype-up team against anyone is a given).

Atlanta v. TB

Cover above. EFFF U ATL!!!!!!!!!!! AND EFF YOU ARTUR BLANK FOR TRYING TO MAKE NFL FANS FEEL SORRY FOR YOU DURING THE VICK SCANDAL WHEN YOU GOT A BETTER FRANCHISE QUARTER BACK AND ARE A FUCKING BILLIONAIRE!!!!!!!

KC v. San Diego

“Back-and-forth, Back-and-Forth, I can’t take it…and end has to be put to this”-KC Underboss Artie Piscano (from Casino) 

KC finds a way to lose in a game that San Diego was trying its best to give away. Seriously, Gates either saw your foot off or retire, you are causing too much stress to my fantasy QB Rivers.

Green Bay v. Chicago

Predictable win by the Superbowl champs. Nothing new of note either, Rodgers keeps rolling, and Chicago is still not paying their best player his money. PAY ALL-DAY FORTE HIS MONEY (That’s right AP until your team wins a game I am jacking your name). Ohh what am I talking about this game featured the best play of the year, although it was called back and I am of course referring to the fake catch and run by Devin Hester which was actually caught and run by Johnny Knox and returned for a touchdown until the refs decided to invent a hold and call the play back. Even if there was a real hold and not a phantom one a play of this fantastic magnitude should be allowed to stand.

Pittsburgh v. Indy

Wow does Pittsburgh look weak right now. While Indy gave a gutty performance, without a running game or passing game Pittsburgh should have trounced the Colts in this one. Their once heralded Run game and Run Defense have stunk in recent weeks.

Washington v. Dallas

Another big week for Tony Romo’s ego, but this one was way to close for comfort. When your offensive line is doing everything they can to lose a game, your corners stink, your QB is hanging on by a thread and one of your top wide-outs is missing this win is a pure combination of luck and grit. And while grit has some staying power, luck can swing on a dime. Next week depending on the line I bet against Dallas.

WEEK 4

Carolina v. Chicago

While I am warming up to Cam Newton, after this game he is still 1-3. However, I will take my own advice and give him the slack all new QBs deserve instead of mercilessly ripping them apart and/or placing these huge and lofty expectations on their shoulders. Therefore, Newton I am giving until nextg year before I start judging you on wins and loss and I will continue to hope that the media and fans give Newton and all other rookie Qbs at least some of the courtesy and understanding that was extended 1^st ballot hall of famers Peyton Manning and Troy Aikman and the like. This was a winnable game for Carolina and hopefully Newton continues to improve…or feel my wrath next season. I will state that Newton being a “mobile” quarterback is a huge red-flag as it is my bold prediction (and has held true for the last 10 years) that no “mobile” quarterback (i.e. better at juking then throwing) can ever win a Superbowl (unless of course the vast majority of teams succumb to this terrible mobile quarterback hype that has infected the league the last 12 years or so).

Buffalo v. Cincy

Wow Buffalo, way to bring your fans and franchise back to earth after all the momentum you had built throughout the season. If Buffalo, Detroit and Tennesse aren’t added to my all hype-up club by seasons end I will be shocked. Totally winnable game Buffalo, you should be ashamed.

Tennessee v. Cleveland

Chris Johnson briefly comes out of witness protection to collect is check, and by that he had a good day on the ground. Will this last, well he is getting some help via the air with Matt Hasselbeck’s continued rejuvenation in Tennessee, but if the laws of “I just got paid” hold up, don’t expect too much from CJ this year and at best he will be 75% of the man he was last year when he wasn’t even close to being the best RB in football (despite his demands to be paid better than one). In other news, Peyton Hillis put away his tampons and decided to play, but only turned in a mediocre effort, getting outplayed and out-fantasy pointed by his back-up Hardesty. This stinks of an in-season contract hold-out and resulting lack of effort, which goes against everything the NFL stands for. Hillis should have been a man and held out before camp…that’s the American way, although he is going into work and doing his job half-assed which is also the American way, so I don’t know what’s going on.

Detroit v. Dallas

I knew Dallas was going to find a way to lose this game. I just knew it. I knew it before the game, I knew it during the game when they were up huge and I knew it when Detroit was in the midst of their comeback and Dallas was playing like a turtle trying to cross the freeway. How confident was I?? Well even though my beloved Cowboys were favoured at home, the second the line moved to -2.5 I bet against them (for anyone who has ever bet against their team you know how this feels, its like openly picking one of your kids over the other). The result? Even though Dallas was up large I could smell disaster looming, because being a Dallas fan for almost 20 years and watching them in their post glory days era I can tell you 5 constants about the Cowboys….

1)      They blow leads like no other team in professional sports (any Randy Moss Minnesota game, the Washington home opener in 2005, the Washington game from 2010, the Saints game from 2010, the Jets game from 2011, and of course last week’s game against Detroit). I am sure if I sat here and thought about it I could think of a ton more examples.

2)      They cannot blow-out teams, in fact the only games they win are close ones. I cannot recall them ever just absolutely blowing out a team in the last ten years (except maybe the Lions here or there before this season), that’s why I knew they were going to find a way to blow this Lions game. They can get blown out mind you, they can get blown out hard, especially in games of consequence (Philly game to get into the playoffs a couple of seasons ago, Minnesota in the Playoffs two years ago, Green Bay in 2010 etc.), but ya they can blow out no one.

3)      Their corners and defensive backs stink. I have seen no other team with worse play from their secondary then the Dallas Cowboys in the last maybe 13 years. Any Cowboys fan will tell you, any time Dallas has to make a critical 3^rd down stop, even if its third and long, Dallas will find a way to blow the coverage and give up the big play down field and probably allow the touchdown.

4)       Tony Romo is all or nothing. Period. Its weird because the guy plays some of the best gritty, smart football I have ever seen, and this is more then just his statistics, he does play great on field football, but there is the time/game where he will just implode like the Hindenburg and his team will go down with him. But again, a ton of times and more times then naught, he will be the catalyst in his teams victories,  he will lead the 4^th quarter comeback he will make all of his teammates better. So in sum he is better more often then he is bad, however the way he losses and the devastating effects that they have given the supreme let down, perhaps are more effect on the team morale overall. I am a Romo fan, given all that I have seen in the time since Aikman, but I hope that he at least finds a way to lose ok and not in such a terrible an gut wrenching ways.

5)      Dallas has no run game. Period. Yes their have been games here or there were various backs have put up various 100 yard games, but overall this team has not been able to run the ball effectively and consitantly for the last 13 years at least. Thomas Jones was not the answer, Marion Barber was definitely not the answer and to this point, Felix Jones has not been the answer (and his affinity for injury is helping nothing).

However all this being said, if New England beats the Jets this week and does so badly, bet a ton that Dallas will cover the spread against New England, because as strange as it may sound after all that I have said, Dallas has always found a way to keep games when they are the outright underdogs to good teams competitive (New Orleans last year, the Colts in their Superbowl season, the Giants in their Supebowl season-beating them twice in the regular season, New England in the season they went to the Superbowl etc.).

Minnesota v. KC

In another shocker, Minnesota found a way to lose to the hapless Chiefs. I hate Donovan McNabb and I hate the Vikings, but even I feel a little bit bad about what’s going on with this franchise and how they are giving games away and the humiliating way they are going down. Well I feel bad, but not that bad given that Leslie Frazier still has a job given his current standing as worst coach in the NFL (narrowly edging out Indy’s guy).

Washington v. St Louis

Washington continues to roll this season with a road victory against the Rams. Yes Grossman had a terrible week, but the Redskins were able to capitalize on a solid run game, solid defense and the fact that they were playing the Rams. Solid win overall..although I still have no confidence in this team’s ability to win against good teams, which yes qualifies them to be proposed for membership for the all-hype of squad.

San Fran v. Philly

Yes another solid loss for this the Philly ‘Dream Team’. At 1-3 this team is playing exactly how a team coached by Andy Reid, no chemistry and a just got paid QB should be playing…but worse. How they blew this game I’ll never know, and if Tony Romo didn’t win blow his team’s win so dramatically and by a greater margin, the facts that they blew a 20 point lead would have certainly been the talk of the NFL. While I am still pissed that Dallas didn’t get Asomugha despite his questionable Philly play (because he is still miles ahead better then any corner named Deion Sanders has ever had and light years ahead of anyone they currently have), I take solace in the fact that they are losing so splendidly. All this being said however, bet the farm that they will beat Buffalo this week and most likely cover the spread as well.

NO v. Jax

Predicatable win by the Saints, and predicatable terrible performance by the Jags. Other then Jones-Drew I can’ think of a single thing to like about the Jags. NOTHINGGGGGG.

Pittsburgh v. Houston

No I am not ready to take Houston off the all-hype and overrated list because they did not win the game, Pittsburgh lost it and not just lost it but handed it to them. If Pittsburgh’s run game was even a shell of what it was last year, they cruise to victory in this one. Plus their franchise QB gets hurt and has been playing questionably all season.  Will the Steelers turn it around? Unknown at this point because the Pros and Cons for them are pretty even

Pro

-their coach is still solid and he does look like Omar Epps, so he might still have the juice now

-Troy Polamalu is back and healthy

-Their No. 1 WR is solid

-Their defense despite being older and nicked up still plays hard

Cons

-Rothlesberger (sp?) has not raped anyone in a while (at least in a while) and it seems to be affecting his play

-Rothererreslegbergger (sp?) is banged up

-Their Defense is not only older, but injured in a bunch of places including losing Harrison for an extend period of time, possibly even the season

-Their O-line is terrible

-They have no run game, and Mendenhall has played like a jack-ass thus far this season

-They are fighting the Superbowl runner-up hangover/curse

So there you have it, pretty good pro and con list right there, although the cons do seem to win out, I see this team going 8-8 or 9-7 this season.

Giants v. Arizona

The Giants find a way to dirty Arizona and come from 14 back in this one to win the game late (and win my bet on the Giants as well). Arizona complained that Cruz fumbled the ball when he walked away from it, but that is a fluke fumble and the Giants still deserved to win the game. If Arizona ever wants to be taken seriously they have to find a way to either clone Kurt Warner or actually find ways to win and put away teams instead of relying on flimsy excuses.

Atlanta v. Seattle

My only question in seeing the final in this game, is how did Atlanta only win by 2? Yes Seattle is playing at home, where they find a way to suck less (just ask the Saints), but they still have Tavaris Jackson at QB, no playmakers on either side of the ball and Atlanta was up big in this one. Atlanta is on shakier ground this season then Tony Sporano’s job security. Zero faith in them. None.

Denver v. Green Bay

Green Bay trounces Denver at Lambo, no real surprises here other than the fact that Clay Matthews has stunk this season and is yet to make a play on defense (did he just get paid or something?) and that Kyle Orton was actually trying to make plays in this game despite the fact that his team was getting beat worse than Victor Ortiz (the one angle in this Mayweather fight that no seems to cover is the fact that he has won this way before when he slaughtered Arturo Gatti a few summers ago. Gatti put his hands down, and was whooped by Mayweather. To all the pretenders out there rememeber, keep your hands up at all times against Money May, he’s a killer. Also Ortiz has no right to complain, the way he was fighting he was going to get knocked out in the next round anyway, at least this way he can hook another payday with someone).

New England v. Oakland

I took New England in this one when it was New England at 4.5, even when it was -6 this game was a lock. New England always plays tremendous after a loss and even the Raiders garbage time score meant nothing.

Miami v. San Diego

I don’t know what it is, but even at 3-1 San Diego looks shakey to me. I have no confidence in their ability to win against a good team right now. They are winning games against scrubs, but even these victories are mad questionable. Would San Diego have covered the spread if Henne doesn’t get hurt and they find a stiff from the local morgue to come in and play in his stead? I doubt it. Rivers man up and start throwing some TDs one time…yes I have Rivers in fantasy.

NY Jets v. Baltimore

If the Jets didn’t get that dirty win in Dallas to start the season would anyone have any confidence in them right now? Like at all? They are playing terrible right now, and yes I know they start to win ball games later in the season like San Diego, but they look brutal right now and if they dig this hole any deeper I don’t know how they expect to climb out, especially in the AFC were a lot of teams are on the upward trend from last year. Baltimore continues to look sharp although their week 2 loss is awkwardly haunting.

Indy at Tampa

I sooooooo wanted to take Indy against the spread this week but didn’t have the nerve at the last second. Indy was doing everything they could to lose despite some surprisingly solid plays by Pierre Garcon, and Tampa barely squeaked out a win at home. If I know two things they are this, no one should ever have confidence and Indy is winning this week against KC barring some miracle or drastic give away by Indy.

Well I finally splurged, and so after years of fiending for it I am proud to announce that I am subscriber of the ‘Rogers Super Sports Pak’. As such I am lucky enough to view every single NFL game on Sunday and will never have to constantly click refresh on ESPN when the Cowboys are not on TV (I AM NOT AN ANIMAL).

However, in order to justify this purchase (which is surprisingly reasonable, and if the NBA was on T.V. this season or I cared about baseball it would be an even better value), I feel like I have to write about my observations and/or things that have unimpressed me in the week’s action….

Anyway, enjoy..

LIONS V BUCS

While I am not sold on the Lions bandwagon, I do like some of their young parts in Icantspell Suh and Calvin Johnson. However, I am also a fan of Matt Stafford, he might be young and rough around the edges, but like Mark Sanchez he is the type of quarterback that you feel has the tools to win ballgames where they count. Lets see if they make the playoffs with Stafford this year.

However, while I am not sold on the Lions bandwagon, I am sold on the fact that Tampa Bay is one of the most overrated and luckiest teams in the league. The team way overachieved last year which seemed to justify management’s decision to play way under the cap and not have a star in his prime at any position.

Surprise, Surprise, while the Lions DBs and specials were begging the Bucs to steal the game, the Bucs over-hype was too massive for their own good and they collapsed like a house of cards under their enormous cap space.

GIANTS V REDSKINS

Being a Cowboys fan I was hoping for both of these teams to find a way to lose (or at least tie), the immense Giants injuries predictably were too much to overcome. And while injuries were probably the biggest thing that caused the Giants downfall, there were three things to take away

1)      The Redskins played very well against the run, especially given how potent the Giants backs are.

2)      Tim Hightower actually looked like a half-way decent RB, Arizona must be pissed

3)      The injuries kept piling up for the Giants and if they even have a shot at getting to .500 this year they better pray some guys who got dinged on Sunday like Hakeem Nicks get healthy ASAP

49ers V SEAHAWKS

My only real thought while briefly watching this game, was how in the World did Seattle not cough up a first round pick on Carson Palmer?? Do you hate your loyal fan base so much that you are willing to throw away your season on a first rounder that will probably be a bust anyway???!? Carson Palmer might have some miles on him but he looks like the second coming of Joe Montana compared to Tavaris Jackson. Hell I look like the second coming of Joe Montana compared to Tavaris Jackson.

Sufficed to say Tavaris Jackson looks terrible, it is no surprise that a shaky 49ers squad got the win.

VIKINGS V CHARGERS

39 yards. 39 YARDS. THIRTY NINE YARDS!!!!!! How in the world does an NFL team throw for 39 fucken yards in a game???? I doubt even the 0-16 Lions never threw for under a 100 yds in a game!!

To put this into prospective throwing for 39 yards in a game is like an airplane pilot not knowing how to use landing gear or a doctor urinating into a patient while performing surgery. YES IT IS THAT UNBELIVABLE!!

It is therefore no surprise that the Chargers who were down big early to start (THANKS TO SPECIAL TEAMS NOT THE BIG 39 YARDS PASSING) and were actually auditioning members of the crowd to replace their injured kicker at half-time managed to still win this game.

39 YARDS!!!!!!??!!!!

JAGUARS V TITANS

24 YARDS!!! 24 YARDS!!!!!!!! Ok I’ll stop, but 24 yards is the number of rushing yards Chris Johnson put up after holding out all preseason and demanding to be paid like not only the top RB in the NFL, but the highest player in the NFL!!!??!! Thank you Chris Johnson for setting the Players Association back centuries with that unreasonable holdout and brutal hold out subsequent (although to be fair the Players Association set themselves back centuries with that terrible deal they made despite having both the courts and right on their side).

Terrible CJ. Your team deserved to lose and that loss is all on you.

PANTHERS V CARDS

While Cam Newton had an amazing day tying the all-time record for yards passing at 422, I am left wondering how you didn’t get that extra yard?? This was not like a player sitting at the end of the season when they are right next to a record, this was opening day!! Steve Smith had 178 yards or so, flip ‘em an extra yard.

Anyway while Newton had a banner day with three touchdowns (2 passing and 1 rushing), he proved to be the anti-Stafford/Sanchez /Flacco as his squad was able to blow this record-setting (or record-tying) performance.

Therefore while Newton might have a bright future in the NFL to some degree (or at least much brighter than many like Terry Bradshaw figured), for whatever reason he does not seem to have that winning “it factor” and like too many mobile quarterbacks of today he seems to prefer looking good and losing, then doing enough to win. But whatever it was the first game, lets see how the rest of the season goes.

COLTS V TEXANS

As my friend Ryan has said, “this games underscores why Peyton Manning should retroactively be awarded the MVP for the last ten years. Not only did the Colts have an absolutely brutal game from top to bottom, but if you think about it Manning has not only over-performed for the last 10 seasons but have done so with no running back for years, questionable defense for years and a terrible coach for every season since Tony Dungy retired (YES JIM CALDWELL I AM LOOKING AT YOU).

With respect to the Texans, it appears that losing the Asomugha sweepstakes was a blessing for this squad as they were able to get Charles Tillman and a very good DB from the Bengals (1. Yes the Bengals has a good DB, and 2. I can’t remember his name) and fill some of the biggest holes that plagued this team for seasons. They have always had the weapons on offense, and now with a much better defense, coupled with a Manning-less Colts squad, the AFC South seems like their’s to lose.

SAINTS V. GREEN BAY

Where was the defense in this game?? For all the talk about Green Bay’s defense they sure seemed happy to let the Saints stick around and let them put up points on them at will. My only other thought about this game was that Darren Sproles looked great, a true sans-regret move by letting Bush walk. Now all they have to do is cut some of the excess runningbacks they got and use that cash to sign and/or up their defense.

BENGALS V BROWNS

I HATE YOU BROWNS!!! You truly are every bit as a worthy as your name, as you managed to shit all over yourselves and manage to lose to a team that was 1-7 on the road last year and 4-12 overall, has no quarterback, has no wide receivers, probably the worst coach in the NFL not named Jim Caldwell, and certainly the worst owner in the NFL and they managed to lose against them at home???? It was not only that they lost, it was the way they lost. First they started off down 13-0, then they took the lead at 14-13, grew the lead their lead to +4 deep in the 4^th quarter and then somehow managed to lose the game by 10??????!!!???

You suck Browns. I hate you and everything about you.*

*my hate for the Browns I assure you has nothing to do with the fact that I lost 50 bucks on a two game parlay when the first game was contingent on the Browns winning against the hapless Bengals by 6. Yuck.

BILLS V. CHIEFS

You might remember earlier in this entry when I went on and on about how overhyped the Bucs were and how they were they most overrated and un-trustworthy teams in the league. Well allow me to introduce you to the other most overrated team in the league, ladies and gentleman allow me to introduce you to the Kansas City Chiefs.

Last year this team looked more shaky then Trevor Berbick when he was trying to get up against Tyson back in ’86. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how this team was putting up wins last year until I put together 3 things.

1)      They were playing in the AFC West

2)      They had an overachieving running back

3)      They were playing in the AFC West

And while 2010 was great to the Chiefs, their Enron-esque run predictably and decisively came to an end when they were throttled at home by the hapless and one of the worst projected teams’ in the NFL this season in the Buffalo Bills. Gross.

Fitzpatrick I have you in fantasy on my pine, keep doing what you’re doing so that I can get my flip on.

EAGLES V. RAMS

While there is much to look forward to in St. Louis, they were simply overmatched by the high octane Eagles and their much improved defense. Silver Lining for the Rams? They were competitive for much of the game despite a rash of injuries to some of their best players (i.e. Bradford, Jackson, Aroumadalamajah (sp?!) etc.)

COWBOYS V. JETS

How badly did the Cowboys want to blow this game?? Well Bill Bartwell, a lead writer for Bill Simmons’ Grantland.com, stated that despite the Cowboys problems in the 4^th (and there was a TON OF THEM), they were still a 95% favorite or so until the point when they blocked that infamous Cowboys punt and then ran it in for a score. And while the blocked punt was not Tony Romo’s fault many of the plays leading up to it and subsequent were all on him. To quote Tony Romo, “this game was all on me.” Well said Tony, and I could not agree more.

Please do not get me wrong, I am a huge Cowboys fan and a big Romo fan (if you have any questions about this please feel free to read my ‘Hate for the Cowboys Hate’ entry from last year), but something has got to give. The Cowboys have to not only live up to the talent they do have on their roster, but they need to make some moves ASAP to fill the gapping holes they have in their defensive backfield (who have for about 10 years now have always found a way to give up the big play when they need to get a stop) and offensive line. I have no idea what’s going on in Cowboy-land and they have done some good things of late (keeping Garrett, ditching Roy Will and Barber, finding Dez Bryant etc.), but these holes have been holes for a while now its time for Rich Uncle Jerry to get these things fixed STAT.

Luckily for the Cowboys despite this crushing loss, their schedule is actually very favourable to them, so if they can get their act together they might be able to do some things. But they need one competent corner to get this done like now.

PATRIOTS V DOLPHINS

Well I just finished watching Brady throw down an ass kicking on the lowly Dolphins and was happy to see it (particularly because I have Welker in fantasy). However, despite my fantasy after glow, I can’t help but wonder why everyone is all over the Patriots jock once again this year?? This team has looked great during the regular season for a few seasons now, but they have also been a disappointment for many seasons too.

I would therefore implore all those like Gregg Easterbrook who can’t wait to drop to their knees, open their mouth and await the Patriots load, to please hold off until this squad at least makes it past the first round of the playoffs and ideally at preferably until they make it to the AFC title game.

Lastly the only other thing I was wondering with respect to the Patriots was why Bill Belicheck has a reality show?? Isn’t Bill Belicheck one of the most low-key, anti-media, anti-attention guys in history?? This was really distrurbing and makes me wonder when the D.H. Lawerence/Terrance Mann reality show is set to kick-off.

*Bonus thought*

I love how the powers that be keep showing Marc Anthony and Will Smith all over each other up in the VIP. If you think this is a coincidence, think again. This is absolutely, positively a calculated move by the powers that be disprove rumours that Miami Dolphins co-owner Anthony is having or had  an affair with the biggest movie star on the planet’s wife.

Pure and simple.

Get off me powers that be, ya’ll can’t hold me.

RAIDERS V. BRONCOS

This game is going on right now, so I don’t have any final thoughts, other than to how and pray that Orton and Llyod have subpar games given that I’m going against them and their potentially devastating double dip potential.

Oh no I actually had two other thoughts.

1)      How did John Fox, a guy who coach the NFL’s worst team last year (the 2-14 Panthers), a guy who got fired, somehow turn around and get offered the head coaching gig in Denver??  Who other then gets promoted after doing such a poor and terrible job? I want to know what scandalous photos of John Elway Fox has in his possession.

2)      Did anyone else notice that Bible Belt favorite and overhyped sensation Tim Tebow is now third on the Broncos depth chart?? Solid.

I hope you have enjoyed my last entries on ‘Sex and the City’ and my 2011 NFL Fantasy picks, but now I feel it is time to get back to my roots, catch-up on the sports and pop culture doings of the last couple of months and pound out a late August quick hits entry.
Enjoy, and stay tuned on entries focusing on the un-funniest and funniest people in Hollywood, Karma in the Sports, and why we should not aspire to “be like Mike (Michael Jordan)”…

CHRIS JOHNSON’S HOLDOUT

From the outset I would like you to know that I am all for players holding out for a better paid day/more financial security in the NFL. Unlike the NBA which somehow guarantees lengthy contracts despite the far less likelihood of injury compared to hockey or football (which means the only reason a player doesn’t live up to their potential is if they got lazy or old quick/lost their abilities overnight), the NFL practically exploits their players by having almost bare bones rookie contracts (unless you are top first round pick), shorter deals on average, and allows teams to cut players whether or not the player has lived up to their potential and stop paying them on the spot (players do have guaranteed money but that money is rationed out at the top of the talent pool thinner then Vince Carter’s pain threshold).

That being said however, my sentiments and compassion for the average player do not transcend in the case of Chris Johnson. Why you ask? Well despite the fact that he is underpaid due to the fact that he is still relatively new to the NFL, his team has already offered to compensate him for his talents by making him the highest paid running back in the entire league, yet inexplicably this is not good enough for Mr. Johnson. This is made all the more perplexing given the fact that Johnson, while near the top, is not a leader or close to it in any major running back benchmark.

Chris Johnson Rushing, 2010 Season
Total NFL Rank
Yards 1,364 4th
Rushes 316 6th
TD 11 T-6th
YPG 85.3 7th
Yds per rush 4.3 19th

After examining the numbers it is pretty clear that not only should Johnson be elated to be getting a contract like the one he has been offered, but if he truly wants to be paid like a “top-playmaker” he has a lot of work to do in terms of his on-field performance. My advice therefore to Mr. Johnson is to take the top running back deal, be happy that you even got that, step your game up, inspire your team into a couple of more wins and maybe, just maybe you’ll get the deal you’re looking for.

STEVIE WILLIAMS

A couple of weeks ago when Tiger Woods’ fired his caddie of 12 years or so because Tiger felt it was time for a change, many in the sports world felt bad for his caddie Stevie Williams and also felt that Williams was being made a scapegoat for Woods’ chronically stinky performances of late. However, when Williams caddied for the winner of the 2011 WGC-Bridgestone Invitational Adam Scott a couple of weeks later, he was predictably thrust into the spotlight with seemingly endless questions about how good it felt to be in the winner’s circle after getting dumped by Woods and if he felt there was some kind of karmic retribution for what happened. The aftermath of this was that the majority of sports journalists (who still have deep ties and fondness for Woods), felt that Williams was overstepping his bounds and that as a caddie he had no right to express his opinion, that he should not feel happy about proving that he was not the problem in the Woods-Williams duo (and thereby totally exposing and deflating Woods’ attempted scapegoat) and that somehow because he had made about 9 million dollars off Woods’ tour wins, that he should keep his mouth shut and be more grateful for all Woods’ did for him.

I am not one of those people.

I am of the opinion that Williams had every right to engrain in everyone’s mind that he not only was terminated by Woods’ without merit, that the manner in which did it was cowardly and weak given the amount of time they had spent together(i.e. over the telephone like he was getting dumped by one of the Jonas Brothers) and that his ability to help guide players and turn them into winners was intact. And while yes I will concede that he perhaps went a little overboard in terms of taking the spotlight off Scott’s victory, but exposing lies and fixing one’s reputation is worth a lot in any profession, even if you are “only” a golf caddie. Good Job Stevie Will.

JAMES HARRISON

Why of why does this blowhard still make headlines??!? Hasn’t the media realized that this guy is a total headcase and total media whore and will say and do anything for attention no matter how stupid. However, the worst thing about Harrison’s rants isn’t that people still take him seriously despite the ludicrous and desperate things he says, its that everytime he goes overboard with one of his rants, a couple of days later he comes back like a whiny dog with its tail between his legs, says he’s sorry and begs for forgiveness. Seriously for a guy who is 6 feet tall and 242 pounds Harrison really needs to grow some balls because I have no problem with someone shooting their mouth if they believe in something, but to do so and come back time and time again like a whiny little bitch and say you’re sorry is indefensible. My advice to Harrison is therefore to either a) grow some balls b) not shoot your mouth off c) find a less pathetic way to say you’re sorry or d) actually stick to your word for once, retire and the fuck out of the NFL because I am tired of hearing you act all big and bad and then cry like a girl. MAN UP HARRISON

Finally, to the media who cover this guy it is also time for you to man up and decide to either stop covering this guy and his tantrums or call him out for shooting his mouth off and then acting like a baby. MAN UP NFL MEDIA

RANDY MOSS RETIRES

They say when this come to an end, that they don’t go out with a bang but rather go out with a whimper. And in the case of Randy Moss’ this statement could not be a more accurate description of the man’s career.
When Randy came into the NFL, he exploded onto the scene and made sure that everyone, especially teams like my beloved Dallas Cowboys who passed on him, knew that he was a force to reckoned with and the best WR in the NFL. At least that’s how he started. However, after a few seasons into the NFL Randy seemed to not care anymore and aside from his brief resurgence with the Patriots, seemed to steadily decline as team after team got tired of his antics and he was bounced from team to team, until being bounced out of the league after no team would even pick him off the waiver wire in 2010 or sign him as a free agent in 2011 (and why would they after the bloodbaths he left in his last two stops in Minnesota and Tennasse). And in the end that was that, Randy Moss was gone and officially announced his retirement after no one wanted him on their roster.

His legacy? Well talent-wise he will still make the Hall of Fame and be one of the best receivers who ever played the WR position without question. As player however, his legacy is far more grave, and his lack of effort, bad attitude , inconsistency and overall lack of heart will have him go down as one of the worst teammates and headcases the NFL has ever known.

Last year while Randy was still putting up numbers I wrote an article which not only compared him to T.O. but illustrated exactly why T.O. was a much more valuable player and would leave a better legacy then Moss because of Moss’ mental state and effort. It is more true than ever It is enclosed here…
Mid- October Quick Hits: Randy Moss, Gilbert Arenas and Brett Favre how I loathe thee and thy selfish ways…

Ohh and while I was looking I found this article on Jerome Harrison I also wrote which is also more true than ever (half way down after the NBA FANTASY PREVIEW)…
FANTASY NBA PREVIEW…

NBA PLAYERS PLAYING OVERSEAS

I am so annoyed that this tired story keeps making the rotation and keeps popping up day after day now that the NBA work stoppage is in full swing. I should correct myself however, and change the word story to rampant speculation because that’s all it is given that no player of quality is ever going to play overseas no matter how long the lockout lasts. Do people really think that Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, Derrick Rose, Dwight Howard or even Lebron are really going to risk serious injury or damage to their careers to play in an unknown environment, where their competition is sketchy, the fans are sketchy and their method of payment/timely payments are also sketchy as fuck?? Never!! Not even Shaq would play under these chaotic conditions if it was a wheelchair league (which coincidently the only way anyone is going to get Shaq on the court for more then 25 minutes).

My proposal to the sports media is therefore this, you may broadcast variations of this tired story 24/7 on every sports outlet you like, you can come outside my house with a megaphone and shout that day’s player speculation for weeks on end, you can kick me in my nuts on the way out of my house in the morning and tell me about all the rumours of guys going overseas, you can essentially do whatever you want and blather on as much as you want IF…and I mean if…even ONE top 15 NBA player signs overseas.
Until then please shut up and move on to a real sports related story.

JETER’s 3000th HIT

I have no idea how this was even news worthy and followed for weeks on end. The all-time hits leader Pete Rose, who still mysterious is not in the Hall of Fame, despite the Commissioner rolling out the red carpet to all the roided up players who inflated stats for decades, has 4256 hits and thus 3000 hits is a totally insignificant and meaningless number in relation. I don’t even want to talk about this anymore, let me know when Jeter crosses 4150 hits.

OHIO STATE, THE UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI, USC…WHO IS NEXT TO FALL

Dear NCAA, how do you still not have a stipend which allows football programs to provide college athletes from disadvantaged backgrounds(or even advantaged backgrounds) a sum of money which is not even the tiniest of drop in the Hoover Dam sized bucket in terms of money these programs rake in off the backs of their slaves student athletes?? How many programs are going to have to go through these pathetic scandals and programs will you let be destroyed until you wake up and realize that the only way to fix the problems you have in your system is to offer players a nominal stipend to keep them away from taking payoffs??

I know it is only a matter of time before the NCAA wakes the hell up and adopts the stipend system, but to have to hear about big-time program after big time program being ‘exposed’ after they win National Championships, the money is safe and secure and their players are already in the NFL and/or out of their control is annoying as fuck.

Please NCAA wake up and fix this now before you give the guys on PTI a heart attack and/or another heart attack in some cases.

DAP OF THE WEEK(MONTH)-EAGLES

While some teams did not do much once the NFL resumed and they were let of the free agency leash, others like the Philadelphia Eagles did. While I hate giving the Eagles any sort of dap due to them being in the same division as my beloved Cowboys, the Eagles did so much across the board, and did it so well, that they not only filled the holes they had, but made them points of strength (like Bart said in the episode where Homer joins the Robot Fighting League, “their weakness is now their strongest point”). From Jenkins, to Ronnie Brown to the last minute theft signing of Nmandi Asomugha I was left scratching my head wondering how a team with so many weapons and with the new hard salary cap, were able to sign so many studs at so many different positions? The answer is a mix of guys leaving money on the table, explosive weapons still under rookie contracts (i.e. DeSean Jackson) and Eagles management do great work in (establishing flexible and favorable contracts all along their roster) and out (selling players on the idea that Philadelphia with Vick at the helm is the place to be)of the executive offices.

I will conclude this point by stating, that while I do not think the Eagles will win the Superbowl or even Rep the NFC (because Vick is still way to erratic, has look terrible in preseason and it is still my firm contention that a team based around a “mobile” quarterback can never win a Superbowl), they have put themselves in a position to win a bunch of ballgames, and be both headlines and highlight worthy all-season. Dap

DOUCHE OF THE WEEK(MONTH)-THE FAMILY BLACK SHEEP

I would like to now step away from the sporting world, and talk about something that in my opinion does not garner nearly as much attention as it should, yet is as annoying and burdensome as many of the other problems many of us face on a regular basis, the family black sheep.

Throughout human history from Charles Adams (son of President John Adams) to Pauline Bonaparte (sister of Napoleon Bonaparte) to Louis Phillipe of France (brother of Louis the XIV) to the Bush twins, history is full of embarrassments and disappointments family’s have shamefully have had to endure. However, it is my contention that these mortifying individuals actually come in two groups each of which should actually deserve different amounts of hate and disgust from one’s family.

The first group are what I like to call the well-intentioned, but poor performing black sheep. These type of sheep are those that which to achieve the level of fame and success as the other member(s) of their family, but sadly due to a lack of talent, intelligence and/or charisma end up falling far short. Prominent examples of these types of black sheep are Frank Stallone, LaToya Jackson, Roger Clinton, any Baldwin not named Alec etc. However, because it is tough to follow in the large footsteps of the one talented and trailblazing sibling, we forgive these well meaning goofs for their desperate and embarrassing gafs because they do not intentionally set out to make themselves or their accomplished family members look stupid.

The other group/classification however is much worse and what I like to call the annoying and parasitic black sheep. These types of black sheep are the type that have looked at the enormous shadow that their one successful sibling and/or other well performing family members have cast, realized that they themselves are bitter, talentless and probably too ugly as fuck to do anything for themselves and have set upon creating havoc and destroying any good name, respect or happiness their parents or other members of their family have achieved for themselves because they figured if I’m lonely, bitter and unhappy maybe I can do the easy and malicious thing and make everyone else around me and/or connected to me too. This type of person really is pathetic and weak, and while you wish to ignore them and just let them just destroy themselves on their own, you can’t help but cast your thoughts on them because of the harm they are doing to your family as a whole or the epicenter of harm they create for their immediate family (you know if this person is a cousin or something and not connected to you directly). And while you might wish to lash out at them, put them in their place and/or take them out back and whoop them until they get some sense about them, this type of parasite often has a safety net which often manifests itself as a very kind aunt, uncle or some other kindhearted family member who already has the burden of dealing with this monstrosity day-to-day that you do not wish to make things harder for them by dealing with a now whinny and beatdown parasitic black sheep. It is a Catch 22 in every possible way.

So what’s the solution??

Well the solution to deal with these parasitic black sheep or Rosies as I like to call them(because they are just as fat and annoying as Rosie O’Donnell, but often because they are so desperate for attention they will claim to be gay or pull some other hail mary stunt when no other attention grasping mechanism works for them. Not that their is anything wrong with being gay, but their is something very wrong about faking being gay just for attention) is not an easy one. It involves getting every member of your family together who is tired and/or aware of their desperate and pathetic antics, have a frank and rationale discussion on what to do about Rosie, and then encircle the parasite when their safety net is not looking and tell them flat out what a disgrace they are, that they best change ASAP even for their own good cause you can only be lonely and bitter for so long, and then collectively shun them until they implement some positive steps to prove to the family that they are even worthy of being part of said family.

Therefore it is not enough for those in a family to sit back and watch a Rosie destroy themselves or those closest to them and pray for a miracle that the fat lonely Rosie one day change, no as a family they must collectively stand up, say enough is enough and take progressive steps like the ones I have outlined that are forceful and really get through to the black sheep because like the old adage goes, “you can sheer a sheep many times, but skin them only once.”
I wish all of you well in dispelling with your Rosie’s once and for all.

P.S. sorry for all the spelling and grammer mistakes but I have a job, responsibilities and a life, I don’t have all the time in the World to endlessly edit.

My apologies for getting these picks up, but I have been absolutely swamped of late. The following are my fantasy football picks for the 2011 NFL Season and I have divided each skill position into both the players overall rank (i.e. what position they will finish the year) and the a value rank (if you are doing an auction league the player that will give you the most bang for your buck). I have also included some of my sleepers and busts for the year.

Enjoy and Please Gamble Responsibly…

QB

Aaron Rodgers

Tom Brady

Phillip Rivers

Drew Brees

Tony Romo

Peyton Manning

Michael Vick

Matt Ryan

Michael Vick

Ben Rothlesburger (sp?)

Matt Shaub

Joe Flacco

Josh Frreman

Matt Cassel

Value QB

P. Rivers

T. Romo

T. Brady

A. Rodgers

P. Manning

D. Brees

M. Ryan

B. Rothlesberger (sp?)

M. Vick

J. Flacco

M. Shaub

M. Cassel

J. Freeman

RB

Adrian Peterson

Chris Johnson

MJD

Arian Foster

Rashard Mendenhall

Ray Rice

Michael Turner

Peyton Hillis

Jamal Charles

Darren McFadden

Matt Forte

Frank Gore

Lesean McCoy

Steven Jackson

Ahmad Bradshaw

Lagerette Blount

Value RB

Peterson

MJD

C. Johnson

Mendenhall

Turner

Foster

Rice

Gore

Hillis

S. Jackson

M. Forte

D. McFadden

L. Blount

WR

Andre Johnson

Calvin Johnson

Roddy White

Reggie Wayne

Larry Fitzgerald

DeSean Jackson

Greg Jennings

Dez Bryant

Miles Austin

Vincent Jackson

Dwayne Bowe

Marques Colston

Steve Johnson

Wes Welker

Chad Johnson (Ocho Cinco)

Brandon Llyod

Mike Williams (Pit)

M. Williams (TB)

Hakeem Nicks

Santonio Holmes

Plaxico Buress

Percy Harvin

Anquan Boldin

Sidney Rice

Value WR

Calvin

White

Wayne

AJohnson

D. Jackson

Bryant

V. Jackson

Jennings

Fitzgerald

Austin

Welker

S. Johnson

B. Marshal

P. Harvin

H. Nicks

M. Williams (Pit)

M. Williams (TB)

Plax

Holmes

Rice

Boldin

Ocho Cino

TE

Gates

Whitten

Clark (higher if Peyton not out)

Vernon Davis

Jermichael Finley (sp?)

Mercedes Lewis

Rob Gronkowski (sp?)

Zach Miller

Brandon Pettigrew

Owen Daniels

Tony Gonzalez

Chris Cooley

Value TE

J. Whitten

A. Gates

V. Davis

D. Clark

J. Finley

Mercedes Lewis

Rob Gronkowski (sp?)

Zach Miller

Brandon Pettigrew

Owen Daniels

Tony Gonzalez

Chris Cooley

SLEEPERS

Cedric Benson

Ryan Fitzpatrick

Ryan Grant

Sam Bradford

Matt Stafford

Monterio Hardesty

Jerome Harrison

Jacoby Ford

Nate Washington (esp if Britt’s out long)

Roy Williams

Kyle Orton

Super Sleeprers (seriously, how do the Jags, Bengals, Rams or any other scrub team short on receivers sign these guys…even for the press)

Terrel Owens

Randy Moss

BUSTS

Donovan F. McNabb

Any Giants WRs

Deion Branch

Jacob Tamme (or any Colt if Peyton can’t get on the field)

Cam Newton

Tim Tebow

Anquan Boldin (slight bust)

Jahvid Best

Steve Smith (Carolina one especially)

Sidney Rice (esp. for the price)

Mike Williams (at least one of them)

Michael Vick

 MY FANTASY TEAM

In case anyone is interested, the following is my fantasy team. As usual I tried to put the most value in the air, but luckily for me while were over bidding for guys like Hakeem Nicks and Mike Vick I was lucky enough to put my money into a quality ground game as well. Feels like a good year (even better than last year when I was far an way the best team in the league with a perfect record and the league high in points until sadly Tony Romo and Antonio Gates went down…things were never the same although I ended up 4^th out of 14 still and second in points).

QB –P. Rivers

WR1- V. Jackson

WR2- D. Bryant

WR3- Wes Welker

RB1-Ahmad Bradshaw

RB2-Peyton Hillis

TE- Jason Whitten

K-Mason Crosby

D-Jon Beason (although I am probably swapping him out due to injury)

D-Clay Matthews

DB-Yeriimiah Bell (sp?)

DL-Jared Allen

Bench1-Nate Washington

Bench2-Roy Helu-

Bench 3-Tashard Choice

Bench 4-Montario Hardesty

Bench 5-Ryan Fitzpatrick

Lastly, I also joined a $25.00 loaded salary league on www.rosterdoc.com, and once the season has begun I’ll post my players…

Enjoy the Season

INTRO:

I first formed about this show back in undergrad, when a friend of mine asked, “have you seen this show ‘Sex and the City’? There’s this girl on it that is like ‘if you drink your cum I’ll drink it too’”, and so naturally I had to tune in and had to see what the hell he was talking about and whether something so (entertainingly) vile was allowed to be on T.V. Well I did tune and learned two very important things, 1) that HBO can show and do whatever they want (and good on them, especially with results like ‘the Sopranos’ and ‘the Wire’) and 2) that this vile cum drinking episode was actually a pretty good metaphor for the whole show in that the show itself is so vile and repulsive that you keep tuning in to watch to see how much lower it could go (and believe me it did go pretty low).

While I only started watching the show in its 5^th season, I was able to watch the entire series via Bravo (a TV station in Canada which showed these episodes un-cut) and while I have to admit it was sort of entertaining, it was so in the repulsive and vile in the way stated above, that it was sort of like a horrible freak or car crash. However unlike a freak or car crash, the show was not grotesque simply because of what was displayed visually (although some close-ups of Sarah Jessica Parker were tough to stomach), but because of the various underlying messages sent to the viewing audience which served up heavy helpings of crass materialism, poor financial choices, men-driven/dependant existences, how to overreact to the most meaningless things in life and low moral character and choices. And while single men everywhere and women with low self-esteem will rejoice in one of the shows central themes which is that it is ‘fabulous’ to sleep around, the show which in my opinion is actually a bible and/or template on how to live one’s life for many women and as such is actually very dangerous to the overall happiness and well-being to any of the impressionable viewers watching it (many of whom or underage…or just old and clueless).

In order to illustrate my point, I have decided to examine some of the more notable quotes from the show and expose the true dangers which lie within these supposedly humorous and lighthearted quips. Lastly I would like to reiterate that while I get and do accept the defence thrown around from many pieces of art, that “it is only entertainment” and that the creators must bare no responsibility for its social impacts, I must vehemently disagree that this show is mere fluff entertainment due to the mysteriously high number of women who model themselves after this lifestyle (or who’s lifestyles the show perhaps is emulating), who view this as an actual depiction of the contemporary women and/or the women who might know better but let this crap seep into their sub-conscious. Confused people everywhere this is for you…ENJOY….

 QUOTE 1:

Carrie: The only thing that I have ever successfully made in the kitchen is a mess. And several little fires.

Carrie: Are you kidding me, I use my oven for storage.

COMMENTARY:

One of the most consistent things I noticed about this show is how often these women go out to eat in fancy restaurants and how none of them appear to be able to cook for themselves or others in the least. And before I get attacked by feminist assassins, I would like to boldly state that it is not a woman’s job to cook, but rather that both man and woman should equally be able to provide sustainance for their family… both! However, going back to the quotes and underlying message above, it would appear that not only is it ok not to be able to cook, but that in this day and age it is more than acceptable given the ‘fabulous’ eating out options available all over their ‘fabulous’ city. Well bubbleheads behind SATC I can tell you that it is not alright for someone to not be able to know how to prepare homecooked meals and fend for themselves, let alone their families. Sorry. In this day and age where North Americans are undergoing one of the most difficult financial times they have ever faced (caused largely by people succumbing to the materialistic messages they are bombarded with daily and thus spending more than they can afford to), it is time for people who are not multi-millionaires to scale back and make sensible financial decisions which include savings and wise investment of all that you can (and even the multi-millionaires to do the same lest they want to end up like the Pratts or one of the many broke-ass ‘Real Housewives of BLANK’).

Furthermore, even if North Americans for the most part didn’t have to watch their pocketbooks the way they do now given the market and general financial condition, isn’t it nice to not only be able to cook for yourself and not take in all the poisons food additives, preservatives and grease that comes from most outside food, but to be able to do so for your children and family as well??!? And don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with eating out once in a while or even a couple times a week because it is a good bonding experience for couples, relief for families an adventure for children (and to be honest I personally like it very much), but this should obviously be done in moderation, not only because of financial reasons, but health reasons as well.

So Carrie and friends, less time with the power brunches and witty puns and a little more time at the grocery store and stove top perhaps (and again fake feminists, for themselves not husbands)?

 QUOTE 2:

Carrie: I’ve spent $40,000 on shoes and I have no place to live? I will literally be the old woman who lived in her shoes!

Carrie: Samantha, you owe me $300.00 for that pillow

Miranda : I don´t invest anymore, it´s too volatile

Carrie : Exactly! I like my money right where I can see it… hanging in my closet!

COMMENTARY:

Similar to the above in that how is there such an emphasis given on empty, materialistic, soul substituting gestures when people are better off using that money (even in good financial times) saving and building for their futures. I get that buying can be fun sometimes (although over paying for anything, especially a 300 dollar pillow, is retarded with any amount of money) as it something new and perhaps exciting, but I just wished that this show even once emphasized that shallow materialism and the constant want for more is not the answer to deeper emotional problems which cause this behaviour to manifest and take shape in the first place. Not only that but this reckless behaviour has been proven both on this stupid show and in real life that it leads to way more complicated problems down the road in terms of bankruptcy/poverty/being destitute in the future…unless of course you can marry rich in which case that’s just ‘fabulous’.

QUOTE 3:

Charlotte: Do you think I’m a whore?
Miranda: Well, you have had a decent amount of bone in you.
Charlotte: This is bad, nobody wants to marry a whore.

COMMENTARY:

While on the surface this quote does not provide much insight due to the fact that nobody does in fact want to marry a whore, it does provide some insight into a bigger problem going on to today, which is the rise of the ‘undercover ho’. The character of Charlotte on the show, who pretends to be mystified and down on her whore status, is actually supposed to the good girl prude on the show, the voice of reason, the eternal romantic, the one girl with standards and morals etc. However, on the show, just like all too often in real life, this type of girl who pretends to be the good girl, who pretends to be naive, acts all shocked and disgusted at everyone else’s sexual escapades is actually a dirty little hypocrite who gets down on the reg. and is ready to ‘rock and roll’ with the best of them.  Some of this good girl’s good deeds include: cheating on her husband, only dating rich guys, having sex on the first date multiple times (despite claiming over and over that its wrong for women to do that), hoping into the bed of her divorce lawyer shortly after splitting on her husband, lying to the men she dates, prostituting herself for goods and services (i.e. the shoe fetish guy) etc.

So for the record while I have no problem with the frequency with which women want to have sex if they so chose, or how they wish themselves portrayed, because every woman has the right to do what they want…what I do have a problem with is woman who pretend to be one thing but in actuality are totally the opposite and then have the nerve to chastise others from their high skanky horse.

In short, undercover ho be gone.

QUOTE 4:

Miranda: Ah, it’s Skipper, I told him I was here. And he insisted on picking me up, but he’s not supposed to be here till 11!
Carrie: Oh! He’s like a sweet little seal pup.
Miranda: That you sometimes want to club.

COMMENTARY:

With respect to men and women today and their behaviour, there seems to be a disturbing trend growing that I have noticed for a while now. What is this trend you ask? Well it appears that for whatever reason men are becoming more like women, and women are becoming more like men…at least from a traditional roles perspective. Is there anything wrong with this? Well not necessarily, men could stand to be more sensitive and attentive overall and it is very much welcomed if women are more career oriented and assertive. However, a warning should go out to all men today and that is if you are too nice, too attentive, too emotional and/or too accommodating to any woman, especially an overly new age aggressive, you will find yourself on the curb within a matter of weeks, picking up and sorting your belongings while your girl is out looking for a new man (if she has not found one already). Period. I know it might sound harsh, but from what I can observe this formula is more sound then gravity. So remember men and women out there:

over nice guy + woman = woman walking all over man + dumped sad man=end relationship

QUOTE 5:

Carrie: If you’re a thirty something woman living in Manhattan, and you refuse to settle and you’re sexually active, it’s inevitable that you’ll rack up a certain number of partners, but how many men is too many men? Are we simple romantically challenged, or, are we sluts?

Carrie : We had such a fantastic connection. Then he leaves me money. I don’t understand. What exactly about me screams “whore”?

Miranda : Besides the thousand dollars on the end table?

Carrie : I can’t be hemmed in by rules. I go with my emotions.

Samantha : Carrie, you can’t date your fuck buddy.

Aidan: I just want to try to sleep with somebody I care about. I really think I can care about you. It’s only been a week and a half, don’t people date anymore?

Miranda: You both got excited, and you went for it. Stop blaming yourself.
Carrie: Oh, I don’t blame myself. I blame the dress. The dress!

COMMENTARY:

While there were numerous things about this show that really didn’t sit well with me (hence this list), in general the indifferent way sex was portrayed on the show, and how these women essentially equated having sex with various people with using the toilet (i.e. a human function to be completed without though) is definitely at the top of the list. And again while most single men and confused women everywhere rejoice, especially given how much easier messages like these make it to get people into bed, is this really how we want people to interpret having a meaningful connection with someone? Is this truly the road to happiness? I think not.

The glorification of emotionless sex is probably one of the biggest problems facing society today and I have no doubt that it is one of the chief reasons why so many people today are unhappy. How can I prove this? Well look around, all the images that are seen with respect to the icons of casual sex and getting down with as many partners as possible, Hugh Hefner, Charlie Sheen, Deion Sanders (at least the old Deion), Mike Tyson (at least the old Mike), Wilt Chamberlain, Lindsay Lohan, or the countless other give-it-up playmates/models/actresses/pop-stars like her, the girls in real life who emulate the Sex and the City lifestyle, the rock stars who brag about their conquests (and who 90% are clinically depressed and/or attempt suicide), the regular guys who are in your ear about how many girls they banged, are any of them truly happy?? For real happy? I have racked my brain and cannot think of one person who lives this kind of lifestyle and is truly happy at the end of the day…and I’ll bet you can’t either and I guess that’s how I can prove my point.

So while I do not judge, if you want to get down and do your thing, I’m happy for you…play on playa right?…but two things should be kept in mind a) the people who you think and are portrayed living this type of lifestyle are never happy, or a least in the end never happy because the actually lose much more of themselves in the process in terms of their mental health and self worth then they ever gain by getting it on with randoms and b) they only have themselves to blame…and not the dress.

 QUOTE 6:

Carrie: When I first moved to New York and I was totally broke, sometimes I would buy Vogue instead of dinner. I felt it fed me more.

Carrie: How did he die?

Miranda : Heart attack. At the gym.

Carrie : See? This is why I don’t work out.

Carrie: It’s all total bull s**t. What is wrong with cigarettes?
Stanford: Nothing, they’re fabulous!

COMMENTARY:

So let me get this straight this Sex and the City, not only do you want to help erode a generation and a half of women by eroding their minds with the idea that random sex and shallow materialism is fantastic, nay, ‘fabulous’,  but you also want to destroy their bodies by promoting the idea that meals can be skipped (or that eating out is the way to go), phsycial exercise outside of the bedroom is not needed and that its ‘fabulous’?

Sorry City folks, that’s BS, wrong, dangerous and you know it.

QUOTE 7:

Charlotte: “How do the moms who have no help do it?”
Miranda: “I have no f***ing idea.”

COMMENTARY:

Now please do not get me wrong, being a stay at home mom (especially if you are a single mom) is possibly one of the toughest jobs in the World even if you cannot technically classify it as a job given the fact that you do not get paid. This task is all the more difficult given the number of kids one has, their respective bratty-ness level and their respective demanding activities. Therefore, in no way am I under-appreciating the level of difficulty inherent in being a stay at home mom or even a stay at home dad…as long as there is no help and/or hired help.

If however a parent has help, and especially if it is a lot of help like the rich women depicted in this show have and their real-life counter parts have, I’m sorry but you need to shut the fuck up and not complain. Like seriously, shut the fuck up. Why? Well if you are this breed of ‘stay at home mom’ and you do not work, do not clean the house, do not prepare meals, do not watch over your kids, do not take your children to their activities etc. then other then fucking your husband (or wife depending on who is working) what exactly are you contributing to your family?? I always find it fascinating when this breed of spouse is dumped/cheated on/replaced and then wonder why this happened to them and why their spouse wanted to get rid of them…ITS BECAUSE YOU DO NOTHING!!

Therefore, to the women or men with massive amounts of help, whose biggest daily challenges are baking cupcakes in expensive outfits and throwing a fuck to their spouses here and there just to keep busy or feel like they are ‘contributing’, and still complain about how tough it is you really need to shut the hell up because you have no idea what it really means to run a household and raise your children because someone else is doing it for you.

Before I move on, I would just like to add that I also find it strangely fascinating and kind of sad that much of the time these rich, bubbleheaded, WASP-y type people who have 1, 2 and 3 poor, hard working immigrant people looking after their kids and family while they sit back and do nothing with passion other then complain, are often the same people who are staunch Republicans or other Right Wingers who desperately shout for anti-immigration legislation, stricter border security, etc. the deportation of aliens. What happens if or when they get their way?? Don’t they realize that they then might have to do something around the house??? Something to think about…

QUOTE 8:

Samantha : Well, let’s just say it: you won.

Carrie : Was there a contest?

Samantha : Oh please! There’s always a contest with an ex. It’s called “who will die miserable.”

COMMENTARY: True Dat. No Arguments here.

 QUOTE 9:

Carrie: Women come to New York for the two L’s: Labels and Love.

COMMENTARY:

I am so sick of hearing about all this hype about New York, ohh new York is the best city in the World, how hard it is to survive in a town like New York, although you will never own a yard or a car how this is so much to see and do in New York…please such BS. Yes I will concede that there is a certain electricity about New York that you can only find in really big cities around the World, but really other than that what does it have? New York for all its cracked up to be is just a pretentious, materialistic, over-priced, crowded, dirty, mean-spirited city built and currently run by poor immigrants to serve as the stomping grounds for the rats on Wallstreet, do-nothing socialites, idiot sons/trust fun babies, over-compensating nouveau riche, the fashion world who try to sell their over priced goods to these fat cats, overrated and underperforming sports franchises (except the Yankees who despite being overpaid, do win on occasion), terrible sports media, east coast celebs and of course, love-lorn single women with disposable income trying to land a rich guy…oh wait maybe it is the perfect setting for this show! 

P.S. While I will give New York credit for the fantastic quality and variety of food it offers, unfortunately just like anything else in New York much of the good stuff is overpriced (and hence unattainable by most) and there is of course no where to park your car.

QUOTE 10:

Miranda : I don’t talk to Steve about my work.

Carrie : And he doesn’t mind?

Miranda : I think he prefers it that way.

Charlotte : Everyone needs a man. That’s why I rent. If you own and he still rents, then the power structure is all off. It’s emasculating. Men don’t want a woman who’s too self-sufficient.

COMMENTARY:

This was a show about strong, independent, free thinking women right? Right??… RIGHT???

QUOTE 11:

Samantha: All that bull s**t you spout about not sleeping with men right away, actually, paid off. I mean if I’d f**ked James already, who knows where we’d be……

 After Sex…

 Miranda: Don’t beat yourself up, you had certain expectations, and your disappointed.
Samantha: Why? Why? Why does he have a small d**k? I really like him.
Miranda: I thought you loved him?
Samantha: Well..shrugs shoulders

Charlotte: Well, I wanted to save myself until we got married.
Carrie: But, sweetie, you’re not a virgin.
Charlotte: Well, I am in this relationship, and I think it’s romantic.
Samantha: Yeah, it’s romantic, until he can’t figure out where to put it in. Honey, what if he’s terrible?

 After Sex…

Woman: Oh, what a beautiful wedding ring! Where’s your husband?
Charlotte: Oh, um, he’s not here. We’re actually taking some time apart. We’re separated – not legally separated, nothing legal, oh God no! We’re just taking some time to figure things out. We got married really fast – love at first sight, didn’t think it through. So now we’re talking and trying to figure out what he – actually, we, he and I – really want. We love each other so much but that doesn’t always mean a marriage is working does it? No, it does not. We had some problems. In the bedroom. but it was more about the fact that we got married so fast. So, now we’re just talking and trying to figure things out – just talking, nothing physical. I think it’s better if we just talk. So we are talking until we figure it all out. So, no, he’s not here.

COMMENTARY:

Just for a bit of context, the above two stanzas if you will, involve two of the women on the show (the overt ho and the undercover ho) and relate to two of the few instances on the show as whole when the women didn’t drop their panties and actually decided to wait for a change and wait to make it special with the guys they liked.

Well as you can see from the disasterous results that ensued (when guy having a tiny schlong and another not being able to keep schlong up), that the message is loud and clear; Women if you wait to sleep with a guy you can be sorely disappointed, so it is therefore best to drop those panties and sleep with him right away. Waiting to make it special, getting to know someone or have self worth?? Pffff  no…tis always better to have dropped those panties and lost then to never have dropped them at all.

QUOTE 12:

Miranda: Magda I have a mother already, she lives in Philadelphia

COMMENTARY:

One of the strangest things about this show, other than the fact that Sarah Jessica Parker could somehow land all the rich, professional guys she does despite looking like something that was yanked out of a drain half the time (seriously she has to be one of the most contrasting ‘two-faces’ ever, and although her ‘good face’ isn’t really that good, when juxtaposed with her bad leathery-big moled, dishevelled bad face she looks passable), is the fact that these women seem to exist within a vacuum of irresponsible being. What do I mean? Well while they do have the four of them as friends, their work contacts (well the two of them that actually do work) and of course the men they are currently sleeping with, the women seem to have no real long lasting personal relationships with anyone except those that exist within their narrow selfish world.

For example in terms of Family, only Charlotte (the ‘undercover ho’) has a brother that appears on screen over the show’s entire 6 season and 80 episode plus run, and he only has a minor role in 1 episode. And other then Miranda’s mom who she eludes to in the quote above when she chastises her maid for trying to organized her life, and who dies suddenly which forces the gals of NY to go to Philadelphia for the funeral, there is no reference ever to any real world, long lasting personal relationships for any of these women (other than of course the four of the them and the others I mentioned above). How can this be??!? Are we expected to accept the notion that it is possible that people today have no connections to the past whether it be family, friends, former classmates or anyone?? Well really what seems to be transpiring and the message being conveyed is that today’s woman (or man) has no time or interest in maintaining, let alone cultivating, relationships with family and relationships past because in today’s world the focus must be on oneself first in foremost as we cannot afford the burdens of dealing with the people who have nurtured and supported us from the beginning and the only ones (family especially) who truly care about our welfare. All in all its nothing more than further strengthening of today’s pathetic and selfish “Do-You” maxim which seems to be taking root everywhere.

It really is puzzling why people who only do for themselves are so confused as to why they are so unhappy, lonely and un-fulfilled (which sadly is far too many people). Don’t they get that “Do-You” does not work and is one of the main reasons why millions of people are so miserable today because in order to feel good you have to do for others??

Well if they don’t know, now they know.

QUOTE 13:

Mr. Big = Real Name John

COMMENTARY:

One of the most disappointing things about this show was that for all the guys that were banged by these 4 women, and yes there were a lot of them, there were only a couple that were actually non-white. In fact there were only two black men ever featured in some relationship capacity during the series’ entire run and none of them were attached to the main character or around for long. I repeat THAT’S IT! So what’s the message? Well the obvious message is that despite the over hundred cookie cutter white guys that were collectively banged on the show (many of which were ugly as fuck), only two minorities were worthy of depiction with these women who seem to get with everyone except any minorities save two hugely successful black guys. As for the subliminal message, well sadly it is that white women should not be hooking up with or wasting their time on minorities because they do not mesh with white women or mainstream society either on the show or in real-life…unless in the rare exception they are super well off, then its passable and somewhat ‘fabulous.”  

Am I going too far in my assessment and being too hard on ‘Sex and the City’ in this respect? Well I will admit that it is not entirely the fault of ‘Sex and the City’ because this depiction of white people being the only acceptable standard of beauty, relationships and depiction on stage and screen is everywhere, from People magazine and their Sexiest Man Alive/Most Beautiful Person, to the trashy Bacehor/Bachelorette programs, to the overwhelming majority of leading men and ladies in Hollywood, to the models depicted in print and electronic media too etc. etc. So in this regard it is perhaps too harsh to place the entire exclusion of minorities from the prominent depictions of Western society, but for a show that claimed to be a progressive take on how four women interact in a metropolitan and minority heavy environment, the show could have done a much better job of promoting the diversity of Black, Oriental, South East Asian and Hispanic peoples instead of only having them around as waiters, bus-boys, cab-drivers, store clerks, nail salon employees or hotdog vendors. A much better job.     

And of course, if anyone still doubts the racist undertones of the show, all you have to do is rent and be one of the few people who watched ‘Sex and the City 2’ and view how these supposedly metropolitan and progressive women interact in a different, but still affluent, culture.

QUOTE 14:

Carrie: Everything before ‘I love you’ just doesn’t count.

COMMENTARY:

Perhaps the most stupid and dangerous line/message on the whole show. 

The context of this line is that the main character Carrie gets into an argument with her boyfriend at the time (who she eventually marries), and instead of doing the mature thing, decides to pick a fight with him, makes a scene, storms off and goes home with a bartender with the intent of sleeping with him, and hence cheating on said boyfriend. Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it, the two of them were so drunk that they were unable to perform that night (although plenty of making out and intent to bang was at hand) and the boyfriend calls to apologize for not saying ‘I love you’ soon enough which is what caused the whole tantrum and cheat-fest to begin with. The main character Carrie, instead of doing the honorable thing by confessing her unfaithful behavior, rationalizes what happened and quenches her guilt by convincing herself that it is ok to cheat and betray the person you are with because the words ‘I love you’ have yet to be uttered.

This line is yet another example of how a show that claims to empower women and cast them in a positive light, actually does the opposite by providing a blueprint for a selfish, destructive, and immoral existence illustrated in this instance with the lighthearted and totally unrealistic image of betrayal.

In sum, in an age where more and more people are cheating on their partner and doing so in such a flippant, unconscious manner, this show and its casual message that cheating is ok, and that even if you get/caught or confess everything will always work out in the end, is terrible, irresponsible and does nothing to highlight the fact that the rise in cheating is proportional with the rise in unhappiness. But hey, maybe I’m just not ‘fabulous’…

QUOTE 15:

Carrie: It’s like the riddle of the Sphinx. Why are there so many great unmarried women, and no great unmarried men?

Peter Mason, Toxic Bachelor: There’s not one woman in New York who hasn’t turned down ten wonderful guys because they were too short or too fat or too poor.

COMMENTARY:

Question asked. Question Answered.

QUOTE 16:

Carrie : I’m someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.

COMMENTARY:

I remember watching this scene and saying to myself, “YOU SELFISH OVER-DRAMATIC TWO-TIMING SKANK YOU HAD REAL LOVE A TON OF TIMES ON THE SHOW ONLY TO WIPE YOUR ASS WITH IT AND TOSS IT AWAY EVERY TIME.” Ok these might not have been my exact words when I saw it the first time around, but the more I thought about it and thought about how many women today sadly have this same take when of course they also chuck love, the potential for love or a great relationship, that definitely became my prevailing sentiment over time. So my advice to both men and women who have let go of great people in one way or another or are willing to do so because over some flimsy excuse, please for your own sake remember three things; think about what really makes you happy, don’t always think the grass is green on the other side because while it is incredibly easy to destroy something, real love and someone who cares about you is incredibly hard to find, and of course karma is a bitch, so if you’re flippant about people and relationships…

QUOTE 17:

Big: “We are adults without children, we can design our lives the way we want.”
Carrie: “So you’re telling me that you want two days off a week from me?”
Big: “You know so that I can watch TV, do all of the sh*t that bugs you.”

Carrie: “Is this because I am a b*tch wife who nags you?”

COMMENTARY:

While man today is more technical advanced than he has ever been, and equipped with more gadgets, machines and amenities then he knows what to do with, it has actually never been tougher to get by today, be genuinely happy and be at peace. Think about it, has there ever been more pressure and tougher do things like get an  education,  attain peace of mind, to raise your children right, pay your bills, resist destructive images that bombard you daily, to get a good job/career, look out for your family and friends and of course find and maintain a healthy relationship. I am no expert per se, but it seems to me that life is so tough enough as it is, that if you are lucky and able to find balance and find someone who makes you happy, that genuinely cares about you, is there for you and the both of you really love each other, that maybe, just maybe that that should be enough. I know that in this day and age, the message is to expect perfection and always want more, and maybe that is a great thing to pursue and hammer out in terms of money, career, security, education etc., but I think it is tremendously important to remember that people are not perfect, and thus to have this type of relentless pursuit for something better and always wanting for more, is perhaps one of the very reason people and relationships are riddled with so many problems today and have no patience and understanding when it comes to their partner or home life. And in no way am I advocating that people “settle” in terms of the people they end up with, but if you are lucky enough to find the type of person I described in the previous paragraph, that is in no way, shape or form settling especially in this day and age.

Lastly, while it is important to remember that everybody has something or a few things they can improve upon and that these things can often be annoying to another person (especially if you see this person everyday), I really think it is important to remember that attempting to badger someone (man or woman) into your mould is going to only result in one of two scenarios. The first is that the person eventually is hounded into submission, but bares resentment towards you which in turn adds a layer of hostility and resentment on your relationship, which of course over time can help to crush your relationship into nothing. The other is that the person refuses to be hounded into submission causing resentment by both parties to the relationship, layers of hostility and resentment are added that much quicker and of course the relationship is destined to crash that much quicker. That’s it. There are your only scenarios. Well I shouldn’t say that, if you really feel that something needs to fundamentally change you could in a calm, understanding and kind-hearted manner attempt to bring it to your partner’s attention, explain why it is important, and if you don’t hound them regularly they can possibly and depending on how reasonable the request heed what you are saying, but do remember even this is no guarantee for the results sought.

In sum then, be happy with what you have especially if it is good to you, only seek change if really necessary and can make you both stronger and happier. And again this day and age is tough enough as it is, use the time you have wisely and appreciate every moment.

CONCLUSION:

It really is funny how things work out sometimes because when I started this entry ‘Sex and the City’ as a television show had been off the air for about 7 years (even though the last movie only came out last year). But just yesterday it was announced that the show was about to be brought back, and thus the entry is actually quite timely and more apt than ever. I would thus implore every one, man or woman, who think this bubbleheaded, dangerous, shallow and materialistic drivel should serve as any kind of inspiration to please remember that the only people who have gained something positive from this show are the cast and crew who lined their pockets from promoting this crap at your expense and the expense of anyone else naive/impressionable/misguided enough to buy into it.

If you really are looking for some kind of message on how to be happy, it is not going to come from watching this slop. If you really want happiness in life and are someone who is looking for real love, the answer is simple, value yourself, do for others and try to make those around you happy, reciprocate the genuine care and love you do receive and take lessons from the few people you know that who have the real love and happiness you wish to emulate. That’s it, it is the key to happiness and it is actually fabulous.

A few days ago Bill Simmons’ new website Grantland, offered up an explanation for why the combined efforts of Indiana Jones (a.k.a. Harrison Ford) and James Bond (a.k.a. Daniel Craig) were not enough to vanquish the most formidable of movie foes known as “the Bomb.” I sent this explanation in the form of an article entitled ‘Bomb Shelter: Why Did Cowboys and Aliens Fail?’ written by Andy Greenwald and Lane Brown http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/31772/bomb-shelter-why-did-cowboys-aliens-fail to my movie buff friend Ryan so he could be kept abreast of the doings-a-transpiring in the world of movies. Sufficed to say he was unimpressed.

His disappointed spawned a two hate-fest (which was joined by our friend Flem/Michael Fleming on the second day when he decided to e-mail pics of the new Batman movie) that consisted of among other things why the movie industry today sucks, why the current state of journalism sucks, why Harrison Ford is over-the-hill, why despite his over-the-hill-ness Ford still makes movies, the myth that Harrison Ford is the greatest actor of all time etc.

Looking back on the entire chain and on the advice of my friend Ryan, I have decided to post the chain in its entirety. Enjoy, and remember the opinions expressed are those of e-mail chain participants and not, as my friend Ryan so eloquently puts it, of the ‘brain dead hacks’ who pull the strings today’s movie industry.

DAY 1

SAMIR (ME) SAYS:

Check this article http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/31772/bomb-shelter-why-did-cowboys-aliens-fail

RYAN SAYS:

That was a TERRIBLE article. It made me mad to read.

First, the premise of asking the retards (agents/producers) who consistently make these awful decisions why people just like them made an awful decision is flawed from the get go. It’s just like whoever decided to hire Matt Millen to talk to me about football. These producers/publicists/agents are only capable of thinking within their preconceived notions of how to make a “successful” movie. This is immediately evident from their reasoning: “the movie had stars, but not big enough stars”, “we based it on a comic book, but not a popular enough comic book”, “it had 20 producers, we should have kept it to only 9″, “it should have been 3D”. Are you kidding me? Such junk. Exactly the thinking that churns out the same crap over and over. Total inability to think outside the box.

Also, nice job calling out Harrison Ford for not having a “non-Indy action hit” in over a decade. The man is 70+ fucking years old! How about Hollywood tries making good, original movies with talented young actors, instead of giving me movies based on toys staring Cam Gicandet or trying to warm over successful films/franchises from 20 years ago?

Of the reasons they list, only #10 matters.

SAMIR SAYS:

Oh ry, you are way too hard to please…

I agree with what you’re saying in theoryy…but in theory communism works…

That being said who knows these could be the hollywood guys who greenlit inception and hangover…we can’t assume they are all matt millens…

Also I liked the ford rip…he flies way to far under the radar for his crappy performances…if he got ripped consistently he wouldn’t have fans like flem on his jock and the ability to keep making craptatic non-classics….

RYAN SAYS:

My compliment on the Ford rip was meant as sarcasm. Only these Hollywood minds could expect a 70-year-old to be the star of an action film.

And these producers/publicists/agents are the same one who said before the release of Inception that *it* would be a flop! It only got anything because of Nolan’s deal with WB for the next Batman. And The Hangover *wasn’t* greenlit – Todd Philips had to finance it himself, because the studios “knew” you couldn’t make money with an R rated comedy. Of course, now you get a slew of copy-cat R rated films because stupid studio-types misattribute the success to the rating itself, and not the fact that the film was, you know, good. Judging a piece of work on its subjective merits is beyond their comprehension – they need metrics and demographics and cross-promotional synergies.

I’m telling you: Matt Millens, the whole lot of them. And I can’t understand why anyone would think that I would want to hear the opinion of someone who demonstrably has no idea what they’re talking about.

/end rant

SAMIR SAYS:

Wow you’re pretty fired up today…gotta take the coloured chalk out of the accenture board room…

but ya don’t get me wrong hollywood execs are still dopes in suits…but I thought the article gave ford some heat and popped flems bubble that that shit movie would be good

End communication

Also did you check the new wordpress blog layout? Now I just have to link the new name to that blog
RYAN SAYS:

Yah, looked good – now let’s just see some more content. Hell, you could pretty much copy/paste this email chain for a nice easy post. (SAMIR SAYS: YES YES …it was a, lazy and easy way to post)

SAMIR SAYS:

Ya I was juuust gonna say why don’t you submit a why I hate movies feature by ryan furlong…you’ll be the first guest writer

RYAN SAYS:

Come on now, I like movies. Even terrible movies. In fact, I’ll probably like Cowboys & Aliens. I did when it was first released as Vikings & Aliens a few years ago (under the title Outlander).

What I hate is the braindead, race to the bottom, lowest common denominator approach to making movies that Hollywood employs, and how the reasoning for the failure of Cowboys & Aliens, as outlined in that article basically amounted to “we didn’t go low enough”. Seriously, one of their “solutions” to making the movie more successful was “put a hot chick on the poster”. These people are idiots, and their worthless analysis does not deserve a pulpit.

/seriously, end rant

DAY 2

FLEM SAYS:

http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1429716736/rg1920637440 (PHOTOS FROM DKR)

SAMIR SAYS:

Did ry send you that article about cowboys and aliens and why it bombed that I asked him to forward to you?? We both thought it was solidly discussion worthy…

FLEM SAYS:

he did not….it still might get to 100M$. From where I’m sitting, the ads and trailers sucked, except for maybe the first one.

RYAN SAYS:

Sam is full of shit, as per usual. The article was slop.

FLEM SAYS:

Before even reading it – How is it Harrison Ford’s fault? He was barely in the ads it was all Daniel Craig and Olivia Wilde. If anything, film makers need to play him up. It’s as if they don’t realize that they have THE BIGGEST MOVIE STAR OF ALL TIME in their movie and they shove him to second billing.

SAMIR SAYS:

Whatt??? I said you didn’t like it and I thought it through ford some much needed heat…(He veracity of that is 100 percent accurate…

RYAN SAYS:

Sent my email before seeing your last. That one was accurate. The asking me to forward to Flem and my considering it discussion worthy were not accurate.

FLEM SAYS:

Have either of you SEEN the movie?

RYAN SAYS:

My problem was with the terrible article, not the movie.

RYAN SAYS:

Which, no, I have not seen.

SAMIR SAYS (TO FLEM):

You should read the article for the ford heat alone…theywerent saying it was all his fault, but they said he’s over the hill, unlikable and hasn’t made a good movie in 15 years…I also think eddie murphy or samuel l jackson by gross are the biggest stars of all time.

FLEM SAYS:

I just read it. Point 3 and 4 are pretty valid and I want to reiterate my “crappy ads” point. None of them made me say “Wow, that looks cool” and I’m the guy who wants the Ford man to be back on top more than anyone – even Harrison Ford himself if the article is to be believed.

Anyway, he is almost 70 now, so I’m not sure why people are slagging him with “outside of his big hits, he hasn’t had any hits!”. It’s not like Connery, Sly, or Arnie are doing it at advanced ages. But I guess the biggest movie star of all time be held to a higher standard.

GIVE ME BACK MY FAMILY!!!!! – Haha, classic. (THIS IS WHEN WE ADDED HARRISON FORD QUOTES)

RYAN SAYS:
I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK!!

FLEM SAYS:

I SAID NO CAMELS! – BTW according to box office mojo, Ford is #3 all time behind Hanks and Murphy. But strip out animated voiceover roles and Ford is EASILY #1.

SAMIR SAYS:

First of all Arnie and Sly ARE still getting it done with the expendables and its no doubt sequel…plus arnie was the governor…and sly also have rocky 6 and rambo 4…

No ford does not take nearrrly as much heat as he should…he phones in performances worse then al pacino and liam neeson combined…

GET OFF MY PLANE..

FLEM SAYS:

Uh excuse me, but only one of those movies scrapped to 100M and the others didn’t come close. Cowboys and Aliens will easily outgross all of them. What you should have cited was Spy Kids 3D, but even that was 2003….GET OFF MY PLANE!!

SAMIR SAYS:

That’s because animation with sound is before ford’s time….although I hear he’s being courted as guest animator for the sequel to steam boat mickey…

THERE WAS A MAN IN MY HOUSE WITH ONE ARM…

SAMIR SAYS:

I already used get off my plane…also rocky 6, and rambo 4 didn’t have the budgets or advertising dollars that cowboys and aliens did…for it to pass 100 million when it cost with advertising over 400 million makes it a massive bust..

I BELONG IN A MUSEUM or IT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM…

FLEM SAYS:

Rambo did not even make it’s production budget back and the Expendables barely did before advertising. Apparently he has a voice role in “Zookeeper” So you can hang your hat on that, although he’s obviously riding Kevin James’ coat tails.

JAKE, THERE’S A SNAKE IN THE PLANE!

SAMIR SAYS:

I’m not sure what ur argument is here…cowboys and aliens stands to lose over 300 million and was crushed by the smurfs…if for was the biggest movie star of all time and with the budget and promotion they had it should never have tanked that bad…but alas…ford’s appeal today is that bad…he’s the human version of howard the duck…no one wants to see him

ALRIGHT KID YOU’RE ALL CLEAR

FLEM SAYS:

First of all it beat the smurfs on opening weekend. Second, let’s see what the final worldwide gross is before you declare it a bust.Third, the listed budget is 163M$, not this magic $400M you keep citing, so it has an excellent chance of turning a profit. Fourth, the Smurfs are a worldwide icon, and cheesy kids movies in 3d are a fucking golden goose. Fifth I beat you to that quote, and sixth……

LUKE, WE’RE GOING TO HAVE COMPANY!!!

SAMIR SAYS:

The premise for many of your arguments is as empty as Harrison Ford’s (Oscar) trophy case…

1) It just squeaked by the Smurfs and the Smurfs suck so that should have been an absolute crush
2) It is a bust no matter what because…
3) It does need 400-500 million to break even because…

The Studios (DreamWorks, Imagine, Reliance, Relativity, and Universal)
“First of all, Cowboys & Aliens isn’t a HUGE flop,” says our producer. “The movie cost $165 million, and they’ll spend another $150 million to market it worldwide. So it probably needs to do $400 [million] to $500 million to break even. In this insane marketplace, where even unwatchable action movies make a fortune overseas, it’s conceivable.”

4) The Smurfs are a world wide icon really???!? I thought Harrison Ford is the greatest actor of all time…
5) Yes you did beat me to that quote, I guess he does not have nearly as many memorable quotes as we thought because he sucks
6)……

THATS THE CUP OF A CARPENTER…

FLEM SAYS:

you can’t break a sentence into 2 and call it 2 points.

MOLA RAM…PREPARE TO MEET KALI…IN HELL!

FLEM (GETTING DESPERATE) SAYS:

Well Ford should sign up to do “The Dark Knight Returns” he’d be great as a grumpy old guy who kicks ass.

SAMIR SAYS:

Maybe he can play Alfred’s dad…

NO TICKET

FLEM SAYS:

How Dare you…….

YOU’RE ALL CLEAR KID, NOW LET’S BLOW THIS THING AND GO HOME

And there you have it, two days of hate, slacking at work, slamming Hollywood execs, and much more. Although it was a great time, what I think I will take away most is the love…..and the Harrison Ford hate.