Looking for a light and humorous movie to watch this weekend, my girl and I started flipping through our catalogue of movies at home and one thing became increasingly apparent as we did, there are not a lot of funny movies out there. In truth, while we were impressed with the number of quality dramas there were in the 500 movies we have at home, of these 500 movies there were maybe only 10 solid comedies in the bunch and 8 of them we have seen pretty recently. Miraculously, we found a DVD that contained both Beverly Hills Cop 1 and 2 on it, and as soon as we hit play it looked like the weekend was saved.
I love Eddie Murphy and always have. From the time I was 8 years old and my parents and I watched Coming-To-America together I have remained pro-Murphy (ok maybe their decision to have me watch that at 8 was suspect but I think I turned out alright). Even in the dark days of the mid-nineties, and with the sporadic hit and misses of today I stayed true to the school of Murphy, because with the exception of Chris Rock and Richard Pryor, no one can make you think and make you bust a gut the way Murphy can.
While my wife was wary of a Murphy movie because she was born a little outside of Murphy’s prime (J), I had an ear-to-ear grin when that Beverly Hills Cop DVD emerged out of nowhere. However, when the movie commenced this strange sadness came over me and I couldn’t believe I was getting depressed. I knew I was not getting depressed because for some stupid reason like thinking I was starting to outgrow Murphy or had any doubt in his comedic genius even though its twenty years 23 years since I first became a fan, but rather it was related to my earlier search for decent comedy which turned into a prolonged effort even though we had over 500 movie titles to choose from. As I continued to think about it I was racking my brain to desperately come up with any other comedies that we were lacking at home and by the time Victor Maitland was blown away, I still could not. We had them all and there were only about 15. Fifteen movies in the entire contemporary age of cinema!! And even though my definition of the contemporary age of cinema is 1980 for comedies and 1970 for dramas, the comedy draught is still terrible given that its been 32 years and there are only maybe 15 comedies worth remembering. How can this be? Is it Eddie Murphy’s fault that he does not make 50 comedies a year? Doubtful. Is it Richard Pryor’s fault that his drug addiction ended his career prematurely? Maybe. Is it Chris Rock’s fault that while he is an amazing stand-up he has not translated that ability to the big-screen yet? Possibly. Or is it Hollywood’s fault for paying every two bit no talent-comedian who tells “half-jokes” , fortunes to make what seems like the same shitty ass movie over and over ? To quote inspector Todd, “You damn right it is.”
While Hollywood has rightfully taken heat in recent years for its terrible selection of movies which seem to be composed of nothing more than the regurgitation of old ideas (the reboot and the sequel), kid friendly visually appealing big budget larks (the Disney/Dreamworks Cartoon and the Comic Book Franchise), the ill-conceived original idea that failed miserably (the John Carter and the Battleship, which by the way I still contend was fashioned with the leftover CGI from the Transformers franchise), and of course the terrible comedy.
While there is the occasional original gem (usually attributable to one of Martin Scorsese, Christopher Nolan or James Cameron), by and large the world of movies stinks and has for some time. And sadly if you love to laugh like me, things are perhaps most bleak within the realm of the funny.
I could continue to cry about the state of comedies today or I could point hold my breath for Eddie Murphy to start making movies again (because even his worst movie is still better than anyone else’s best), but rather than harm myself, I will release my burning inner scorn and point my finger at those in Hollywood’s most responsible for the terrible state of comedy, the movie studios and the Hollywood big-wigs the people paid by the movie studios and the Hollywood big-wigs who take millions and turn out lame ass uninspired effort after lame ass uninspired effort.
I’m pissed.
I’m choking on my own rage so I will try and keep the hate short.
Enjoy.
10. Paul Ruud
Ruud makes the list not because he is terribly unfunny, but because he isn’t really funny at all. In fact, couldn’t Rudd be replaced with about any white guy aged 18-45? What is so special about him that makes him privy to millions of dollars and the ability to keep getting cast as the lead in almost every other comedy? Oh right, Mavel Tov Mr. Rudd.
9. Jerry Seinfeld
Please do not get me wrong, I loved Seinfeld (the show). During the 90s there was no bigger Seinfeld fan then me and I still watch Seinfeld as it continues its amazing run on syndication. However, it has been years since Jerry Seinfeld did anything remotely close to the levels he attained in the mid-90s and even more troubling, given Larry David’s tremendous success on Curb Your Enthusiasm, it makes you wonder whether or not it was David and not Seinfeld (the person) who was responsible for the success of Seinfeld (the show).
I will always root for Seinfeld, but unless he does something funny in the near future, unlike Billy Mumphries’ enthusiasm, mine will have to remain bridled.
8. Wayans Brothers
When it comes to a body of work, these guys have assembled probably the worst roster in the entertainment business of anyone not named the Toronto Raptors. The movies they star in and worse, the movies they are responsible for as producers, are the lowest forms of entertainment imaginable and come in one of two forms; trite and un-original or terrible spoof. However, whatever form they come in you can always count on them tonot be funny.
Why aren’t the Wayans brothers higher on this list? Well they seem to have cooled on their penchant for making movies lately. So shhhhh….
7. Dane Cook
When I heard that Dane Cook’s business manager had ripped off him off to the tune of about $12 million dollars I couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for the guy. What’s worse is that that the scum who ripped him off was his own half-brother, and what something like that happens within one’s own family it definitely blows (you expect the rest of the World to rip you off, but never expect it from your own family).
However, despite my empathy for Dane Cook , it quickly started to fade when I realized two things. The first was that this financial hit would only result in a oversaturation of Dane Cook products and appearances in a Nicholas Cage-esk desperate attempt to sign on to every project no matter how terrible in order to recoup the financial loss. The second is that Dane Cook is already terrible and so the thought of how much lower he could go in his desperate cash grab mode both frightened and disgusted me to the very core.
If I were as terrible as Dane Cook instead of agreeing to sink to even lower depths with even worse humorless efforts, I would announce my retirement and hope that my tale of family deception was enough to launch a best-selling book that could hopefully be optioned into a blockbuster movie. The only problem with this plan is that Dane Cook would probably be the only person terrible enough to play Dane Cook.
6. Luke Wilson
While I briefly debated putting him on the list, given his entrenched presence in Hollywood and suspect performances which barely elicit a snicker I quickly wised up.
When it comes to humour there is certainly a difference between un-funny and not funny. The latter is someone who tries really hard to be funny and even though they cannot make anyone laugh, at least they are giving it their painful-to-watch best effort. The former however is a someone who does not try to be overly humorous, and in the Hollywood sense is just content on submitting an uninspired and ultimately non memorable performance. This sums up Luke Wilson to a tee as he (like Paul Rudd) is able to hang around Hollywood for years despite the fact that not only can 50 million guys do what he does, but no one ever really remembers anything he does. Even though I wasn’t a fan of ‘Old School’ Luke Wilson was the lead in this movie that was many acclaimed by many, but does anyone remember anything funny or notable he did in it? The answer is no, and what’s worse is that its probably his best movie.
Sad.
5. Ben Stiller
If Luke Wilson is un-funny, then Ben Stiller definitely is not funny. I do not know how many more award shows we are going to have let him ruin before we give him a pat on the back and say “there-there”, but his horrible efforts coupled with the crickets from the audience manage to make even me feel bad for a guy who probably takes in $10-15 million dollars a ( terrible) movie. Remember what I said about painful to watch, that is this guy to a tee, especially on live t.v.
4. Seth MacFarlane
If you are someone who knows me, you know that I will watch almost anything that’s on T.V. Even shows that stretch back to the 80s I am often right there watching them over and over (The Cosby Show, Golden Girls Matlock mark me down, I’m down). However, despite my love for the idiot box there is one show that is too idiotic even for me to watch (and thanks to my wife it isn’t Keeping Up With the Kardashians or the Bachlorette), and it is of course Seth MacFarlane’s Family Guy (and its terrible and even less amusing derivatives The Cleveland Show and American Dad).
Despite the facts and my cynicism in general, I actually have a lot of faith in society and consider myself an optimist overall. But the popularity of this show coupled with the MacFarlane’s ability to keep getting paid for churning out new and crappier crap (sorry that’s the only way I can describe it) that is lowest brand of desperate shock humor this side of Howard Stern is mind boggling. It has shaken my belief in everything.
I have faith though, if they could cancel Family Guy once (or two or three times), hopefully they can do so again. I very rarely make public appeals, but I desperately asking the critics to continue to blast the dregs that are Seth MacFarlane’s Family Guy brand and implore the masses to wise up and turn off this drivel.
3. Jack Black
Ok, we are now at the part of the list where I look at the biggest offenders and here is where I start to get mean. I want good comedy back so call this tough love or an intervention or whatever. When Chris Farley tragically died in the mid-90s there was a void left in our hearts for the likable chubby funny man, who screams and falls down. In attempting to fill this void countless tubs have tried their best, but through the power of his network and Hollywood connections his various efforts it appears that Jack Black has temporarily taken the job. The only problem is that he forgot the likeable and funny part. I don’t know how exactly Jack Black has managed to escape the limitations of his own talent which should be confined to playing the unlikable 42nd lead (like he did in The Jackal), but for whatever reason be it his close association with Hollywood power-players or the genuine absence of funny people in Hollywood, Black has somehow thrust his fat gut into the spotlight and managed to stay there far longer than he should have.
Jack Black is not funny and his terrible repertoire of movies should provide more than enough evidence for anyone who questions my conclusions. In fact the only thing more repulsive than Jack Black’s comedic performances on screen is Jack Black himself. If he doesn’t look like a fat midget with T-Rex arms and a face even his mamma couldn’t beat off with a broom handle then I don’t know anything. Told you I was going to be mean..I didn’t want to be but Hollywood you have left me with no choice.
2. Adam Sandler
Where to begin with Adam Sandler? Are there even enough words to describe my disdain for him? How does a guy whose Rotten Tomatoes movie average looks like the temperature in Antarctica (and on the Celsius scale mind you) keep getting green-lit by Hollywood studios?? And more importantly how is he paid 20 million a picture for the lame-ass turds he churns out???
While there are many questions one can ask when it comes him, the only one that matters is has Adam Sandler ever made me laugh? The answer is of course no. A grim, resentful, absolute no. What does it say about not just Hollywood but the World when a no-talent moron like Sandler can use the same high pitched effeminate voice over and over in movies and still remain socially relevant for over 15 years??
While critics and true fans of not just comedy, but film, have done their part in blasting Sandler for each subsequently worse dud he puts out, Hollywood (and apparently the moronic executives at Sony Pictures http://entertainment.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/06/17/12266836-rock-of-ages-and-thats-my-boy-flop-at-the-box-office?lite) seems satisfied to keep following the same business model and giving his projects the go ahead. To their credit it appears to be quite the ingenious scam. Give Sandler 20 million, put another 10 million into the rest of the project and then put together an aggressive marketing campaign (that probably doubles the cost to make the movie) in order to saturate the market and annoyingly convince the masses to come check out the movie. What happens? Well much like the beautiful woman who succumbs to a geek’s relentless advances and says what the hell, the audiences finally say what the hell, go to see Sandler’s crap and probably feel worse than a hot chick who gives up the 15 minutes of pity sex.
In sum, Adam Sandler is the biggest scam ever perpetrate on the North American public and unless the moon landing is revealed to have taken place in the basement of CIA headquarters, will remain so. I dislike Sandler with every fibre of my being, but his occasional flicker of dramatic talent saves him from the number one spot on this list. That spot can and must be reserve for someone who is truly talentless.
1. Will Ferrell
Will Ferrell why are you so bad? You seem like a nice enough guy, one who I would have no problem with if you were my neighbor or went to school with. But boy how your movies suck. Your overly anxious but eager, slow-witted (but ultimately not funny) schtick is more tired than Christian Bale’s character in the Machinest and your “half-jokes”, jokes that aren’t quite funny but make you feel like you have to force a smile, have gotten so lame that it seems that members of your own “Frat Pack” seem not to want to get on screen with you. Of all the people on this list your movies and your performances in them are the worst because with the exception of maybe Sandler, your entire delivery remains the same regardless of the movie you are in.
Think I am being too rough? Well its not just me, the World seems to have grown wise to Ferrell and his propensity for terrible movie making as he was recently ranked as Hollywood’s most overpaid star by Forbes (http://www.forbes.com/2010/11/04/hollywoods-most-overpaid-stars-2010-business-entertainment-most-overpaid-stars.html) and his recent movies, with the exception of the Mark Wahlberg co-headlined The Other Guys, have all tanked at the box-office.
Do the mounting criticisms and poorly performing efforts of lame, and dare I say boring, comedians like Sandler and Ferrell mean that perhaps this terrible and painfully unamusing age of comedy are coming to an end? I do not know for sure, because if these guys have been able to hang around like cockroaches despite the nuclear blasts they receive from critics, maybe they can withstanding anything. But I am certainly hoping. And you should too.
I close by saying that despite the vitriol I have hurled at the names on this list I am not a hater, at least not in general. But I and millions of movie goers like me have had enough. Not can I no longer turn a blind eye to talentless hacks who are getting paid millions to do the same lame ass thing over and over, but I am starving for something better. Although it might seem like it, we are not asking for much.
All we want as consumers of entertainment is that when it comes to comedy, just give us a product that has an interesting premise, some clever and engaging acting, a few quality jokes and a decent story that maybe has some social commentary that makes you think after the credits have rolled (think Trading Places, think Brewster’s Millions).
For the amount of we money drop at the box-office I don’t think this is asking too much.
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